# Help a boss out... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 16, 2012, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-a-boss-out/637884 "2012-10-16T14:21:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![DragonAsh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/db5fbb/32.png) [@DragonAsh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DragonAsh)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-a-boss-out/637884/1 "2012-10-16T14:21:28Z")
My assistant told me 3 weeks ago that she was 3 months pregnant. She had to go to the hospital over the weekend, and was told yesterday that she had likely miscarried; they are doing a confirmation scan today. Obviously she’s distraught, and I feel absolutely sick to my stomach for her. Her pregnancy was not widely discussed among the team, although some people were aware of it on a need-to-know basis for contingency purposes. I’ve told her that she can have the rest of the week off if she likes, or to come back if she feels up to it. I’ve faced lots of situations before with co-workers facing difficult circumstances, but never one quite like this - any hints on anything I can say/do to help her back? I have no idea what to do - somehow booming out my normal ‘Good morning!’ doesn’t quite seem right, nor does completely ignoring her loss. At the moment my only thought is just to meet her in one of our side rooms for a short five-minute talk one-on-one the first morning, just to offer my sympathies, but even that I’m not sure if it helps or not… Any advice for me and my team on helping her back to work? ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-a-boss-out/637884/2 "2012-10-16T14:23:54Z")
Don’t wear a Boss hat; wear a friend hat. Seek to understand if she is okay, and how she is thinking she’d like to deal with it. If it makes sense see if taking a day off could help… ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-a-boss-out/637884/3 "2012-10-16T14:59:55Z")
Big hug, winks, knowing nods, and a little hand holding, go a really long way when there’s nothing to say that hasn’t already been said. After all she _knows_ what you’re trying to say. ---
**Author:** ![VunderBob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/839c29/32.png) [@VunderBob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VunderBob)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-a-boss-out/637884/4 "2012-10-16T15:03:33Z")
When she comes back, treat her like you would someone that had a death in the immediate family, because that’s essentially what happened. On the physical level, light duty may be indicated if the miscarriage wasn’t clean and the doc had to do a procedure on her. Another round of ‘be a friend’, too. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-a-boss-out/637884/5 "2012-10-16T16:13:05Z")
> [@VunderBob](#): > > When she comes back, treat her like you would someone that had a death in the immediate family, because that’s essentially what happened. On the physical level, light duty may be indicated if the miscarriage wasn’t clean and the doc had to do a procedure on her. > > Another round of ‘be a friend’, too. But react according to how she acts. If she looks like she doesn’t want to talk about it, approach her once and then leave her alone. Don’t make a big fuss over it if she doesn’t want to. So yes, act like there was a death in the family. What would you do if her mom died? Give your condolences, maybe a little hug, and then see if she continues talking about it or doesn’t want to. Same thing. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-a-boss-out/637884/6 "2012-10-16T16:21:03Z")
Yeah, try and say “I’m sorry” if it won’t be overheard, and leave it at that unless she wants to talk. Big issue is what about the other people who knew. I hope that she knows that you told them about the pregnancy, so you can tell her that you’re also telling them about the miscarriage. Otherwise, you’ve got to tell them and have them pretend they don’t know anything, which sucks when they’ll probably want to offer sympathy, but that’s what happens when secrets are told. ---
**Author:** ![drastic\_quench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e36b37/32.png) [@drastic\_quench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drastic_quench)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-a-boss-out/637884/7 "2012-10-16T16:43:19Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Big hug, winks, knowing nods, and a little hand holding, go a really long way when there’s nothing to say that hasn’t already been said. After all she _knows_ what you’re trying to say. Not winks. Never winks. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2012, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-a-boss-out/637884/8 "2012-10-17T00:13:36Z")
> [@drastic\_quench](#): > > Not winks. Never winks. And hand-holding / hugs should be offered very judiciously if at all (I don’t know the OP’s gender for example). A quick word where people aren’t within earshot, or perhaps a note, might do well. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2012, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-a-boss-out/637884/9 "2012-10-17T00:51:43Z")
Good on you for telling her to take the rest of the week off if she wants to, rather than having her have to ask. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2012, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-a-boss-out/637884/10 "2012-10-17T00:55:14Z")
Also realize that she may need some time off in a week or three, when it really hits her. It’s not unusual for a person to delay grief when a sudden loss occurs. She may be just fine this week and a mess next week. Do your best to accommodate her, just as you would anyone else who lost a child. For some people, for some pregnancies, a miscarriage is very much the loss of a child - a child they’ve created in their minds, even more than in their uterus. For others, it’s a heavy period they don’t think about again. There’s no one right way to deal with a pregnancy loss. ---
**Author:** ![DragonAsh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/db5fbb/32.png) [@DragonAsh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DragonAsh)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2012, 9:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-a-boss-out/637884/11 "2012-10-18T09:19:31Z")
Txs for the suggestions - I’m male, coworker in question is (obviously) female, so hugs & hand-holding are probably not part of the equation unless the situation really really really, unequivocally called for it, and even then I’d probably hesitate; this co-worker has only been with us a bit under two years so I don’t know her -that- well. Sadly, because of all the jerk male bosses around the world using every excuse to cop a feel, I can’t just pretend my ‘boss’ hat doesn’t exist. Hugging only came up one time in my 15+ years as a manager - an assistant that moved with me to three different companies over 7 years, became a very very good friend (never anything more than that). Her grandmother she was very close to died suddenly; she broke down in tears in front of me while trying to tell me why she needed to take the next day off. So, I’ve arranged for some flowers to be delivered to her home, with a short note (just from me) to her and her husband. I’m going to give her a phone call tomorrow afternoon to just see how’s she’s doing, and not bring up the topic of work unless she brings it up. And **WhyNot** - txs for the reminder that we’ll need to be aware that it may be two-three weeks later when it hits her again. ---
**Author:** ![drastic\_quench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e36b37/32.png) [@drastic\_quench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drastic_quench)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2012, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-a-boss-out/637884/12 "2012-10-18T13:19:27Z")
> [@Mama\_Zappa](#): > > And hand-holding / hugs should be offered very judiciously if at all (I don’t know the OP’s gender for example). > > A quick word where people aren’t within earshot, or perhaps a note, might do well. Yeah, that was an inappropriate bit of advice for the workplace.