# Help (and compassion) from SDMB polyamorists and other Dopers requested **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 11, 2004, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-and-compassion-from-sdmb-polyamorists-and-other-dopers-requested/264057 "2004-09-11T17:29:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 4\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2004, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-and-compassion-from-sdmb-polyamorists-and-other-dopers-requested/264057/161 "2004-09-20T18:37:16Z")
> [@Giraffe](#): > > Jesus, what a trainwreck. **FinnAgain** , I’ll repeat the advice I gave back on page 2 – stop fighting battles that are now, frankly, irrelevant. You were in a (complicated) relationship and you got hurt. Wallowing in all the ways things didn’t turn out the way you expected isn’t going to help you heal. A very good point. It was, still is, hard to accept that they’re irrelevant. That something that was good and sweet is just dust. (or that it wasn’t good and sweet) But I guess that’s the game. I’ll figure things out in time, or I won’t. And I’ll heal and move on. And yeah… I’m still in love with women I knew years and years and years ago, so I know that I’ll always hold a space in my heart for these two wonderful gals. > [@Giraffe](#): > > Carolyn may have been just as controlling and manipulative as some of your exes, or she may have just been a young woman who thought she knew what she wanted from the relationship and found out she was wrong. Helping **FinnAgain** pick apart all the ways she was awful to him isn’t really helping anyone, in my opinion. Also a very good point. Chances are things just didn’t work out, we all tried, we all had issues, and yeah, I did work on mine, and I still fucked up. But I’m richer for having experienced this. And neither Caro nor **nevermore** are bad people. “sometimes the light’s all shining on me other times I can barely see lately it occurs to me what a loooooong strange trip it’s been.” I’ll never really stop loving either of them, or wanting to be with them… but I suppose that’ll lose its edge in time. Just a damn shame all around, time to move on. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2004, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-and-compassion-from-sdmb-polyamorists-and-other-dopers-requested/264057/162 "2004-09-20T19:11:12Z")
This story is just another example of why polyamory doesn’t really work. You both were in a “poly” relationship while it suited her, but then it failed to suit her anymore, and you were the one kicked to the curb. So, Finn, are you still going to continiue being poly? I sure hope not, unless you want to get hurt again. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Cymbeline](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_cymbeline/32/9244_2.png) [@Green\_Cymbeline](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Cymbeline)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2004, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-and-compassion-from-sdmb-polyamorists-and-other-dopers-requested/264057/163 "2004-09-20T19:19:06Z")
Let me make another comment about polyamory and how it suits people for purely selfish reasons. I say this because it is kind-of-sort-of happening in my own life. I am dating a really great guy, but I know in my heart that he isn’t “the one.” He is not someone I want to settle down with, but I care about him and enjoy his company and friendship. However, all along I have made it clear to him that is was not exclusive and that we are both free to date anyone else we please. Anyway, recently I have met a couple of guys who I would like to see too. Now, while he was initially cool with the non-exclusivity thing, now that I am actually going to be seeing someone else too, he has made it clear that he is NOT cool with that… and he is totally justified. You see, he _really_ does like me (as in, he feels more strongly for me that I feel for him), and if I felt that way about someone, I wouldn’t want them screwing other people either. So for me, I was all about being able to date several people simutaneously… for selfish reasons. But the moment I fall in love and decide he is “the one,” all other dating will cease. Yeah polyamory can be fun, but it can also be really hurtful and painful once love develops… ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Griffin-Kentzel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_griffin-kentzel/32/14787_2.png) [@Larry\_Griffin-Kentzel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Griffin-Kentzel)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2004, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-and-compassion-from-sdmb-polyamorists-and-other-dopers-requested/264057/164 "2004-09-20T19:25:26Z")
This trainwreck has come to it’s end. **Cajun Man** for the SDMB [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-and-compassion-from-sdmb-polyamorists-and-other-dopers-requested/264057.md?page=8)