# Help for aging parent/sibling **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 13, 2006, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-for-aging-parent-sibling/364292 "2006-07-13T03:44:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 5\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2006, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-for-aging-parent-sibling/364292/1 "2006-07-13T03:44:32Z")
A friend is dealing with a tough situation (email excerpted below with her permission) and I thought I’d ask if any of you have any info or thoughts on how to proceed with getting help. She herself is limited in what she can do due to her own family situation, as well as being in another part of the country. Any suggestions to how she might best proceed in finding help in this situation would be gratefully received. I know we’ve got some NJ residents, as well as members who’ve dealt with eldercare issues all over the US. > [@](#): > > If anyone is familiar with the social services resources offered by the state of New Jersey, could you please e-mail me? I’m looking particularly for agencies that help with elder-care issues and mental health issues. > > To give you the Cliff’s Notes version of things: I need to help my elderly mother, who is widowed and who up till now has been living in the house I grew up in. She is the caretaker for my brother (age 49), who is physically incapacitated by chronic fatigue syndrome/fibromyalgia and, more pertinent, is mentally ill and not receiving treatment. It appears my mom can no longer take care of herself, her home, and my brother. And he can’t take care of her. Basically, they both need help and neither one will accept it. > > I’ve reached the point where I’m going to ask the authorities to step in. But first I have to figure out who those authorities are, and the best way to go about it. This could end really badly if not done right. I’m hoping to get in touch with someone who knows enough about the state agencies to advise me about who to consult (and who not to consult). There’s a lot of info online, but it’s like picking a name at random out of the yellow pages unless you know someone who’s > familiar with the system and who can give you some commentary. So I’m putting out feelers, trying to connect with someone who’s a social worker, psychologist, eldercare lawyer, pastoral counselor, or who can otherwise help me figure out how to do what I need to do. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-for-aging-parent-sibling/364292/2 "2006-07-19T00:16:25Z")
Using my one bump (I’ve been away for a couple days) ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-for-aging-parent-sibling/364292/3 "2006-07-19T00:57:41Z")
Jesus. All I can suggest is a visiting nurse service to visit them a couple of times not as a solution, but as a consultation: then you can ask the nurse what her suggestions are. The visiting nurses generally know all the local assisted living homes, nursing homes, etc., and which ones are good and bad. Other than that, call a local hospital for a social worker who can (if you’re lucky!) help you. My sister and I floundered when our mother had a stroke: you really are on your own in these situations. ---
**Author:** ![kiz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7feea3/32.png) [@kiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiz)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2006, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-for-aging-parent-sibling/364292/4 "2006-07-19T03:43:19Z")
[Elder Care Online](http://www.ec-online.net) has vast amounts of information. When you click the link, go to the “Neighborhood Network” link, find New Jersey, and click on that. It’ll bring up all the county elder agencies, their phone numbers, etc. I was referred to the website by our town’s COA after my mom was diagnosed with probable Alzheimer’s. I contacted our county’s elder agency, who, in turn, assigned us a social worker. SW – bless her heart – set me up with a vast amount of information as to what services were available to Mom, how to go about getting them, etc. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask here or through my addy in my profile. I may not know all the answers, but I’ll direct you as best I can. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [July 21, 2006, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-for-aging-parent-sibling/364292/5 "2006-07-21T01:28:20Z")
**Eve** , **Kiz** - thanks. I’ve forwarded a link to this thread on to my friend and she’s very grateful for the info.