# Help! Help! My sister is turning into a bridezilla!!! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 14, 2011, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908 "2011-05-14T17:25:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908/61 "2011-05-15T15:58:43Z")
Oh, there it is. Yeah, I agree that it seems like the people around the bride are being pretty obnoxious. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908/62 "2011-05-15T16:01:28Z")
That’s no excuse. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908/63 "2011-05-15T16:14:20Z")
> [@classyladyhp](#): > > A wedding is a major thing to some women. After all they go into this thinking that they will only get married once and they want everything to be perfect. I find the term bridezilla very offensive and I find nothing wrong with what your sister is doing. It’s a major day in her life. Be more supportive. Nothing wrong with a bride wanting to make her wedding a big deal special day, and want things a certain way, but IMO, don’t lose focus on what the day is about by getting crazy over the details. If you or your parents can afford a lavish wedding hire professionals. If you can;t and you’re expecting friends and family to pitch in you should expect some reasonable limitations. Asking someone to make dresses is a big deal and they have every right to set a limit. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908/64 "2011-05-15T16:21:16Z")
> [@Grapefruit](#): > > Thanks for the replies and advice, for those who gave them. I just want to clear up something right now… my sister is NOT a crazy bitch. It’s not that choosing what she thinks is a suitable venue and having a picture perfect cake is making her a bridezilla, it’s how she’s going about doing it. I mean, it’s BIL-to-be’s wedding too, but she’s shooting down most of the suggestion that’s coming from him. Yes, she’s the bride and she gets to play princess (oh, is she ever!) but he’s the groom and he should get some say. And don’t be mistaken that I don’t know what he and his family wants… I lived with my sister for three years as her roommate, I know BIL-to-be and his family very well. > > At any rate, it’s not that she wants a big extravagant wedding that is making me tear my hair out. It’s that she explicitly said that she doesn’t care about being the center of attention, but now she’s basking in it. From us laughing about bridezillas to her actually turning into a demanding control freak is quite alarming. It’s not that plans for a big wedding was thrust upon her. She was perfectly content to book a small chapel and have a nice dinner with family and friends, but somehow she got her hands on a few wedding magazines and after browsing wedding blogs, she’s insisting (yes, insisting) that it has to be a full blown fairy tale. WTF HAPPENED?!?! > > I’ve made up my mind though. I’m going to finish up her dress, pray to the flying spaghetti monster that she doesn’t lose more weight from now until August, make my own dress, and that’s it. NO MORE FREAKIN’ DRESSES. Now, I just have to put my big girl panties on and prepare to argue with her about it. It’s not easy when I’ve always been “the little one.” Good for you. Making her dress is enough and hopefully she will appreciate it. The other bridesmaids can handle their own however they choose. It’s really not your problem or obligation in any way. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908/65 "2011-05-15T16:27:35Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > You do have to be a gracious hostess to your own wedding - which means meeting the reasonable expectations of your friends and relatives. And that can be tough. But being a gracious hostess also means not being a doormat. Not letting your friends step all over your sister with their “but I want to be a bridesmaid! Make my dress too!” whine. I feel sorry for the OP, but also for whatever four friends of the groom’s have now been roped into wearing monkey suits for the bride’s four whiny friends. I’m not sure what you mean by reasonable expectations. If I’m invited to someone’s wedding it’s THEIR wedding and I’ll help to whatever degree I’m able. I don’t feel entitled to expect them to accommodate me at all. If you ask someone to be part of the wedding party then there needs to be an understanding about attire and who’s paying. The same with other details. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908/66 "2011-05-15T16:28:29Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > That’s no excuse. It’s really easy to say that, but I had to fight my mother about everything UnFancy I wanted in my wedding. I had a screaming throwdown in Macy’s because my mom was INSISTING I “had to wear heels or I wouldn’t feel right” (to understand how crazy this was, note that my mother was a bra-burner in the 70s). I wore the embroidered freaking sneakers under my dress I planned on wearing all along. Was I being “Bridezilla” when I insisted on choosing my own shoes? Was I making myself the “center of attention”? Was I “focusing too much on the party being perfect”? No, I just wanted to wear freaking sneakers, and I was sick of people telling me I couldn’t. People have this idea that if you try to keep it minimal things will be so easy. The more you try to make it simple, the more the Moms, aunts, uncles, friends, cousins, hairdressers, etc. freak out and make your life a living hell. Knuckling under to the Wedding-Industrial complex is often the path of least resistance, NOT representative of the bride asserting herself as the most important. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908/67 "2011-05-15T16:36:29Z")
> [@cosmosdan](#): > > I’m not sure what you mean by reasonable expectations. If I’m invited to someone’s wedding it’s THEIR wedding and I’ll help to whatever degree I’m able. I don’t feel entitled to expect them to accommodate me at all. I have completely the opposite view. If I’m the guest, I have no obligations at all. I’m not helping with shit. I didn’t ask to be invited to the fucking thing. I’m just minding my own business and get hit with an invitation. Maybe I’ll show up, maybe not (probably not, I loathe weddings), but that’s _all_ the fuck I’m going to do. Their party plans are not my responsibility. Wedding guests shoul;d not be treated like free labor and bank cards. I think it’s inappropriate to expect a guest at _any_ party to lift a finger or spend a dime. The host is supposed to entertain the guests, not the other way around. They’re imposing on me enough just by inviting me. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908/68 "2011-05-15T16:43:24Z")
> [@Grapefruit](#): > > \ > At any rate, it’s not that she wants a big extravagant wedding that is making me tear my hair out. It’s that she explicitly said that she doesn’t care about being the center of attention, but now she’s basking in it. \ I think you have to just let that one go - for whatever reason, this is your new reality. Sorry. 🙂 > [@](#): > > I’ve made up my mind though. I’m going to finish up her dress, pray to the flying spaghetti monster that she doesn’t lose more weight from now until August, make my own dress, and that’s it. NO MORE FREAKIN’ DRESSES. Now, I just have to put my big girl panties on and prepare to argue with her about it. It’s not easy when I’ve always been “the little one.” Good for you. It is hard to get older siblings to see you as an adult in your own right, but (I assume) you are, and you have the right to draw some lines with your sister (even for HER BIG DAY!). And her friends. And your mom. Keep in mind that this is only for a couple of months, then it will be over. Do what you can to help her, try to figure out what is just too much and put your foot down, and have some fun. As for accommodating guests versus making your wedding the way you want it, that’s a difficult line that every marrying couple walks. Yeah, it’s your wedding, and you’re paying for it (or your families are), but you have to think of your guests, too - I think we’ve all been to weddings that were the way the happy couple wanted them, and the guests were uncomfortable throughout. ---
**Author:** ![alphaboi867](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alphaboi867/32/3898_2.png) [@alphaboi867](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alphaboi867)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908/69 "2011-05-15T17:39:36Z")
> [@classyladyhp](#): > > A wedding is a major thing to some women. After all they go into this thinking that they will only get married once and they want everything to be perfect. I find the term bridezilla very offensive and I find nothing wrong with what your sister is doing. It’s a major day in her life. Be more supportive. Apparently my sister was quite the bridezilla at her first wedding (I was too young to be aware of it). She mellowed out for her subsequent weddings (which she also had to pay for herself). ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908/70 "2011-05-15T18:34:35Z")
> [@cosmosdan](#): > > I’m not sure what you mean by reasonable expectations. If I’m invited to someone’s wedding it’s THEIR wedding and I’ll help to whatever degree I’m able. I don’t feel entitled to expect them to accommodate me at all. You don’t do things to make your family and friends uncomfortable - if it is within your power to accommodate them. i.e. your wedding is not the time to introduce your grandmother to sushi (unless you have additional entrees). Or to decide that since the theme of your wedding is orange, all your guests should dress in orange. Where you make requests of your guests beyond what is traditionally required of wedding guests (show up, dress nice), you understand when they don’t comply (i.e. you don’t throw a fit when your guests decide not to spend their vacation time and dollars going to Aruba so you can get married on the beach.) ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908/71 "2011-05-15T18:54:34Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > It’s really easy to say that, but I had to fight my mother about everything UnFancy I wanted in my wedding. > > People have this idea that if you try to keep it minimal things will be so easy. The more you try to make it simple, the more the Moms, aunts, uncles, friends, cousins, hairdressers, etc. freak out and make your life a living hell. Knuckling under to the Wedding-Industrial complex is often the path of least resistance, NOT representative of the bride asserting herself as the most important. WTF is up with that, anyway? You’d think that people would jump at the chance for things to be low-effort and inexpensive, but noooooooooo. Everyone has to bitch about how really _must_ have this and OMG you _can’t_ skip that, and it won’t be a real wedding without the other thing, and Oh! wouldn’t it make things so much _nicer_ if you just… By the day of the wedding, I honestly thought that if I heard one more goddamn kvetch about bridesmaids, or printed napkins, or real flowers, or a bigger cake, or why couldn’t we have had it in x location, I was going up a clock tower with a rifle. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908/72 "2011-05-15T19:02:39Z")
So why include those people in the planning at all? ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908/73 "2011-05-15T19:09:59Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > So why include those people in the planning at all? Because if you say “butt out mom/aunt/friend/brother/hairdresser” you are a BRIDEZILLA WHO DOESN’T CARE ABOUT ANYONE BUT HERSELF and is ON A CRAZY EGO TRIP. Eleventy!~!~ ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908/74 "2011-05-15T19:30:58Z")
Many of these people are not, in point of actual fact, involved in the wedding planning. They’re people you have to keep updated on what the plans are and they just volunteer their obviously awesome and helpful opinions unsolicited. And if you disregard said opinions, or just stop talking to them about it…you’re a self-centered, bratty Bridezilla who needs to get over herself. ---
**Author:** ![Azeotrope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/0ea827/32.png) [@Azeotrope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Azeotrope)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2011, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908/75 "2011-05-16T14:48:56Z")
😃 > [@Grapefruit](#): > > I’ve made up my mind though. I’m going to finish up her dress, pray to the flying spaghetti monster that she doesn’t lose more weight from now until August, make my own dress, and that’s it. NO MORE FREAKIN’ DRESSES. Now, I just have to put my big girl panties on and prepare to argue with her about it. It’s not easy when I’ve always been “the little one.” ::sending supportive big-girl panty vibes your way:: I crochet and my “specialty” is fine lacework. I made small doilies for favors for my cousin’s shower and she got it into her head that I could make full-sized shawls for her 6 attendants, out of silk, in 2 months, because it would be cheaper than just buying the damn things. She wanted me to copy one that she saw at a store so she wanted me to go there and “look at it”, figure out how to do it, and make it so. She did offer to cough up a whopping $25 for materials because “yarn’s cheap, right?” I diplomatically told her no (“I’m sorry, September’s such a busy month for me and I’d hate for you to be disappointed if I couldn’t have them ready in time”) and she spent the rest of the time whining about how I was making her spend all this money (on shawls the bridesmaids had to buy themselves) and they looked ugly because I didn’t want to help her by making nicer ones. Not to mention how every time I saw her I got the snide “So how’s work 'cause I know you’re sooooooooo busy!” Stick to your guns. It’ll be an ugly scene when you tell her you’re not doing the other 4 dresses, but personally I’d rather have one knock-down-drag-out now than spend the next 3 months resenting every stitch. Think how nice it will be, the week before the wedding, when the “I gained ten pooooouuuuunnnddddss!” “I’m pregnant and it doesn’t fit anymore!” “This color sucks it clashes with my hair color!” etc hit and it’s Not Your Problem. It sounds as if there’ll be plenty of sound and fury to make up for it 😃 ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2011, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908/76 "2011-05-16T15:43:02Z")
> [@Grapefruit](#): > > Well, except for my poor innocent BIL-to-be. He’s usually good at putting his foot down, but he’s turned into some sort of boneless worm about his wedding. Is this how “whipped husbands” happen? No… whipped husbands usually start earlier in the process- they’re the guys who should know better than to marry these awful harpies, yet do it anyway out of blind love, duty, or whatever. Having said that, I’ll say that there’s something uniquely frightening about confronting a bride-to-be about “her” wedding as the groom-to-be. Years of expectations have been built up about “her special day” and you’re going against all of those expectations and the tacit approval of society and usually of her female family and friends that she gets what she wants in this one case. It’s kind of the ultimate marriage argument you’ll never win, and you’re starting off with it. Those of us with some sense know that it’s much better to choose your ground like a general deciding where to fight, and then maneuver her onto that ground and flank her. In other words, what you do is figure out what’s important to you to assert yourself over, and then figure out how to present it in a way that she’ll agree with, rather than telling her she’s wrong and starting a fight. ---
**Author:** ![ENugent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/4af34b/32.png) [@ENugent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ENugent)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2011, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908/77 "2011-05-16T16:02:04Z")
> [@ugly ripe tomato](#): > > She did offer to cough up a whopping $25 for materials because “yarn’s cheap, right?” Heh. While still refusing to do it (hell, I couldn’t turn out that many shawls that fast if I didn’t have a job at all), you should have showed her a catalog and told her how much that yarn would cost. I just looked online, and for 1200 yards of sport weight silk (one shawl, according to the pattern I pulled at random off Ravelry), that’s at least $80/shawl just for the materials. ETA: Oops, I was looking at laceweight. Make that $150/shawl. ---
**Author:** ![gurujulp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba9def/32.png) [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2011, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908/78 "2011-05-16T17:26:05Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > The big business of weddings is screwed up and needs to be overhauled. I used to work fancy weddings in college. I went to hundreds of them and they were all beautiful because we made them so for a steep price. People may think theirs is special but I assure you that they are not to anyone but the bride and those she sucks into it. > > The fundamental problem is that weddings have little to do with marriage. They are generally just some perverse reverse débutante party with the marriage itself being a minor sideshow. This could be remedied and made even easier if all females got equivalent of a wedding ceremony of their own but with no marriage at a certain age. Jews do something similar with a bat mitzvah. I don’t think most people would fall for that without the marriage commitment holding them hostage to witness it but that is part of the point. > > The other alternative is to embrace the flip-side the downside of gender equality and for all people invoking a marriage commitment to treat it as a solemn ceremony where the superficialities aren’t important but the simple presence of family and friends for such a decision is the only thing that counts. > > The only person that can keep the details of one wedding versus another straight are the bride, her mother, and a few bitter bridesmaids. No one is winning in the current system other than the businesses that thrive on it. I have to say that I think this is incorrect- I can remember every single wedding I have been invited to as a day of great joy, and some of them were small events in private quarters, and others rented out entire ballrooms or northern california wineries, and they were all special, and I was properly worshipful to both the bride and groom, both of whom I was friends with long before. A good wedding is awesome. A bad wedding where bride or groomzilla behavior is evident negatively is horrid. One where attention to detail is wonderful and a great memory to all concerned, the least guest (our daughter, who was known of but not known) will remember forever as a time to dress up and be publicly radiant with deference to the royal couple (the bride and groom). My buddy didn’t give two shits, but he dug seeing all his buds- the bride was in heaven, even if tiredly so, and it was great, on every occasion but one, where the groom was loving it more than the bride. I haven’t had the occasion to be at one of my gay friends’ weddings, but that’s cause they shut it down so quickly in California… So I myself eloped, as I didn’t have the stomach nor the bank account to afford it, but be assured, your talents will be remembered, even if your input and name is not. This is NOT to say that agreeing to two dresses, yours and your sister’s, is tantamount to agreement to sewing all six. That’s fucked up. ---
**Author:** ![Azeotrope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/0ea827/32.png) [@Azeotrope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Azeotrope)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2011, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908/79 "2011-05-16T18:02:15Z")
> [@ENugent](#): > > Heh. While still refusing to do it (hell, I couldn’t turn out that many shawls that fast if I didn’t have a job at all), you should have showed her a catalog and told her how much that yarn would cost. I just looked online, and for 1200 yards of sport weight silk (one shawl, according to the pattern I pulled at random off Ravelry), that’s at least $80/shawl just for the materials. > > ETA: Oops, I was looking at laceweight. Make that $150/shawl. I know, I couldn’t make one shawl out of bedspread cotton for $25 let alone anything fancier. Thing is, if I mentioned price she’d come right back with “So shop around and find it cheaper somewhere else.” She’s the same cousin who wigged out when she found out the 5-tiered fondant monstrosity of a wedding cake she wantedwas going to cost over $1000. “It’s just cake!” Well, when you go to the fancy custom cake designer instead of, you know, the boring old bakery and picking something out of their catalog… ---
**Author:** ![Xema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9de053/32.png) [@Xema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Xema)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2011, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908/80 "2011-05-16T20:03:30Z")
> [@Grapefruit](#): > > NO MORE FREAKIN’ DRESSES. Now, I just have to put my big girl panties on and prepare to argue with her about it. I’d suggest you decline to argue. Say something along the lines of “I thought hard about it and decided I could make two dresses that come up to acceptable standards. If I tried to make more, they wouldn’t be right. So that’s my decision.” To any and all ensuing protestations, you simply say “I am sorry, but my decision has been made: I want this wedding to be good, and two nice dresses are what I can manage.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-help-my-sister-is-turning-into-a-bridezilla/581908.md?page=5)