# Help! How to Meet Men??? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 26, 2012, 8:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150 "2012-05-26T08:24:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![saralee504](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc8723/32.png) [@saralee504](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saralee504)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2012, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150/21 "2012-05-26T20:45:44Z")
> [@Lightlystarched](#): > > Just go out and practice _smiling_. Go walking anywhere - mall, park, museum - and practice smiling at people. Go by yourself and call it smile therapy. Make a goal that the first time you go, you’ll smile at 2 people. Doesn’t matter if they are male or female. The next time, smile at 3 people and say hello to one. > > A really good time to do this is during the week you are ovulating. Women tend to be a little more open and adventurous during this time and you may not feel as socially anxious. The more you practice, the easier it gets and you will find that eventually you can be comfortable anywhere, and have conversations with lots of people. > > You are not looking for a boyfriend, you are focusing only on smiling and feeling good and greeting people. > > The rest will happen. Hey starched! Thanks for responding. I don’t have a problem smiling or making small talk with people. That’s not my problem. My problem is with SUSTAINING relationships with people (both men and women). For instance, at my job, there’s maybe 3 people I feel comfortable holding conversations with. I mean, like talking to a lot. There’s only one person I will occasionally hang out with outside of work. But I wouldn’t really call it a real friendship. Because she only knows me on a surface level. And she doesn’t see my REAL personality the way my family does, because I have a REALLY hard time getting that comfortable with people. But right now my focus is on the opposite sex. I really wouldn’t be that afraid to go up to a man I found attractive and smile or make small talk. But the minute he starts asking me questions about what I like to do for fun, or why I don’t have a boyfriend, I get nervous. Because I guess I’m afraid of rejection. In my mind, I’d rather jump off a cliff and die than to have someone I like think I’m weird and boring (even though they’re most likely already thinking it lol). ---
**Author:** ![saralee504](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc8723/32.png) [@saralee504](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saralee504)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2012, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150/22 "2012-05-26T21:28:59Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Just a couple of things; > > Don’t you find it a little hypocritical that you don’t want to be judged for kissing a man you knew was married, at the same time you’re harshly judging him for finding another lover so quickly? > > I’m going to judge you, shouldn’t go hand in hand with ‘don’t judge me’. > > Most people your age, don’t write ‘ppl’ ‘2’ ‘bcus’, etc. If you’d like to be taken seriously, I’d suggest you step up to adulthood and drop the teenage phrasing. If it comes across when you write I’d be willing to bet you come off as ‘teenagerish’ in other ways as well. A married man seeks out an inexperienced teenagerish girl, blocking his number and moving on at the first opportunity. If you don’t want to be victimized again, quit with the teenagerish junk and own your damn adulthood. Start with grammar and spelling. Last time I checked I was writing on a\*\* message board\*\*. Had someone notified me that I was writing to a 60 year old English professor (and being graded on spelling and grammar) instead, then perhaps I would’ve used spell check and made sure I spelled out every word. :rolleyes: Someone says they’re depressed and seeking advice and the ONLY thing you can offer is insult and point out how that person abbreviated some of their words instead of spelling them out??? And to add even more insult, you try to make the person feel even less about themselves for having a disorder, that is making them depressed in the first place? How pathetic are you. I laugh at people like you. You’re a miserable human being. Even given all of my issues with depression and low self-esteem, I don’t need to insult someone or try to tear someone else down just to feel better about myself 🙂 Now, why don’t you take your own advice and “own your damn adulthood” by getting a life and learning some manners. ---
**Author:** ![Idle\_Thoughts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@Idle\_Thoughts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idle_Thoughts)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2012, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150/23 "2012-05-26T21:47:16Z")
> [@saralee504](#): > > How pathetic are you. I laugh at people like you. You’re a miserable human being. Welcome to the boards, **saralee**. Just to let you know, it’s against the rules to insult other members of the boards in THIS forum. If you want to lash out at someone, you want to start a topic in The BBQ Pit. Please try to keep a cooler head in this forum and not call people names or insult them. ---
**Author:** ![Capt\_Kirk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@Capt\_Kirk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Capt_Kirk)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2012, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150/24 "2012-05-26T21:51:33Z")
Saralee, the truth is everyone is weird and boring, really everyone. We all have hang ups and self doubt even the beautiful and successful. IMHO you think you are so different from everyone else that you are hiding your true self, for fear that your true self will be judged and rejected, but how can someone reject what they don’t know? I have a suggestion, you mentioned a co-worker that you sometimes hang out with, call her up to go boy watching not meeting just watching. Go to a place that men are going to be and you two can talk about them, it would be a good way for you two to get to know each other and have a little feminine bonding as a plus she might know someone that would make a great date for you. It is a nice long holiday weekend call her up and go, somewhere anywhere. Back to the boring and weird part, I will use me as an example On the surface: I work in the music business, have a giant goatee, travel big chunks of the world, ride motorcycles= one cool guy Reality: Still the same shy guy that I was when I was 17, haven’t been on a date in two years, still can’t figure out how to get the forks of my motorcycle apart(I have the shop manual and the tools), most of my conversations are about this message board, women make me so nervous that I sometimes stutter= one big loser Neither of those views is actually true, I am both of these and more and so are you. Now go out there and find the rest of yourself, you already reached out for her, you came here didn’t you? Paz Y Amor Capt Kirk PS don’t worry about the sex thing, it has a tendency to work itself out, just be safe ---
**Author:** ![dropzone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dropzone/32/7515_2.png) [@dropzone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dropzone)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2012, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150/25 "2012-05-26T22:26:02Z")
> [@Capt\_Kirk](#): > > …still can’t figure out how to get the forks of my motorcycle apart(I have the shop manual and the tools)…= one big loser > > Neither of those views is actually true… I don’t know. That fork admission, well, just don’t tell any women about it. :eek: ETA: But there is a crowd where being a Star Trek fan can serve you well. A lot of them post here. As for the OP (Original Poster, in this case **saralee504** ), I am a Dad who studies serial killers and STDs and I hyperventilate at the very thought of you meeting men in bars or through online dating services, ESPECIALLY craigslist. Have your friends set you up. Join a club or a church. Whatever you do, get him vetted first, either by your friend or by you getting to know him, before you go on your first date. And think of the SDMB as a club. Some very happy marriages have happened because of this dump. Another thing about men from bars: I’m in AA and you really, truly don’t want to date those guys. And they’re (we’re) the GOOD ones, the ones who realized we had a problem. ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2012, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150/26 "2012-05-26T22:38:56Z")
Well, saralee504, you’ve provided insights into you through your posts; particularly your response to elbows. ---
**Author:** ![MetroGnome](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8e7dd6/32.png) [@MetroGnome](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MetroGnome)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2012, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150/27 "2012-05-26T22:46:56Z")
This is pretty specific, but try checking out your local climbing gym, especially one that features a lot of bouldering (low unroped climbing so you don’t need a partner). Since bouldering doesn’t involve teams (it’s just you vs the wall), it’s an ideal sport for introverts. However, because climbing involves a good amount of problem solving (the routes are actually called “problems”), it’s not uncommon to find an impromptu group of climbers taking turns working on the same route sharing techniques and offering pointers and words of encouragement to each other. The climbing gym allows you to be selectively social: you can either work in a quiet area by yourself or take turns on a popular route. Because routes vary in difficulty, if you go regularly, you will inevitably find yourself working the same routes as other regulars in your same skill level. It’s a rare activity that involves physical problem solving done individually, but invites spontaneous cooperation. The gym is an easy place to meet people where the ice of physical proximity is if not broken, is at least slightly thawed. I’ve seen many people who came to the gym by themselves but leaving for a drink and/or bite with someone else. As an added bonus, next time someone asks you what you like to do for fun, you have an interesting answer. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Plumpudding](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Plumpudding](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Plumpudding)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2012, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150/28 "2012-05-26T23:36:34Z")
I’ll just add a +1 against going to bars and clubs with romantic intentions, especially alone, and especially if you’re socially anxious. From personal experience I’ve always gotten even more anxious in such a setting, causing me to drink even more and faster than usual, often ending in me being an asshole, waking up somewhere with someone I do not remember or both. I’ve never had a lasting relationship with anyone I’ve met in a bar, except for some mates or bartenders, and the last group loves me for all the money I’ve spent. I’ve destroyed relationships with friends by meeting them in a bar and ending up somewhere we shouldn’t have and I’ve destroyed relationships between friends by doing the same, with big regrets later on. Now, not to say it’s impossible to meet a nice dude/dudette in a bar. It is certainely possible, but for me at least most of the time it have given headache, heartache and games, games a socially anxious person may not be very suited to play. In my honest opinion, if you want to go to bars don’t do it to meet a boyfriend, go because you like bars, would like a couple of drinks and meet friends or new people, converse and have a nice evening without any expectations. PS: You should bring you co-worker to a bar and play backgammon, because backgammon is easy fun, a lot of people don’t know it and get interested in learning it. ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2012, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150/29 "2012-05-27T00:34:44Z")
> [@saralee504](#): > > Where the hell do I meet men at anyway (other than while I’m at work)??? Do I just go to the grocery store, the mall, McDonalds, or walk up the street and wait for men to approach me and just give my number to the 1st man I’m remotely attracted to??? This guy is awesome > **[OkCupid](https://www.okcupid.com/profile/onesweetjedi)** ---
**Author:** ![saralee504](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc8723/32.png) [@saralee504](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saralee504)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2012, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150/30 "2012-05-27T01:51:52Z")
> [@drachillix](#): > > This guy is awesome > > [OkCupid](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/onesweetjedi) Lol… Is that your profile? Couldn’t even see it. Looks like I have to create an account just to view it… ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2012, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150/31 "2012-05-27T02:51:56Z")
> [@drachillix](#): > > This guy is awesome > > [OkCupid](http://www.okcupid.com/profile/onesweetjedi) He’s wearing a short skirt and tan go-go boots. I suppose that’s kind of awesome. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2012, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150/32 "2012-05-27T03:13:35Z")
> [@saralee504](#): > > I don’t even have girlfriends to go out with… I’ve experimented with online dating in the past. But I deleted the account after 2 days. I got a lot of responses. But I just couldn’t do it. I started feeling embarrassed about even being on there. What if one of the men on the site recognized me at my job and said something like, "hey, don’t I know you from somewhere? > Me: Ummm… I don’t think so? > Guy: Remember we were chatting on [match.com](http://match.com)?.. I knew I remembered your face from somewhere! > > Some of the men who would contact me seemed like they had so much personality and so much going for themselves (at least their profile made it seem that way), and i’d just be thinking to myself, “why the hell are they even talking to me?” > And then they wanted to know what I liked doing for fun, or why I was even on the site given that I was fairly attractive looking… I had the hardest time responding both questions. > > Plus, I knew I’d eventually have to eventually meet them in person. And I just couldn’t do it. My worst fear? They’d think I was weird, inexperienced and boring. And then my mind would start conjuring up even crazier thoughts. What if this isn’t really the person i met on the site? What if I meet them in person and they try to rape me or kill me?.. I guess that was my way of trying to hide from the fact that I was just too chicken to go out on a date with them. > > I may give it another try, though. Thanks for your input, though. I really appreciate it! Given everything you’ve posted so far it seems like online dating would be your main conduit for eligible men. You’ve indicated don’t have a pack of female BFFs to send eligible men your way, and bars make you nervous. I’ve had female friends and co-workers who have expressed very similar reservations about online dating and yet (the parallels are kind of weird here) they have wound up hooking up inappropriately with married men at their places of work, and it was very awkward after the fact. As scared as they were of casual Internet embarrassment (but everyone will see me!) they will roll the dice in the much riskier game of fishing at the company pier. To be frank if you are not going to get over yourself re online dating you’re going to be fishing in pretty shallow and potentially inappropriate ponds. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2012, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150/33 "2012-05-27T05:23:42Z")
Do some volunteer work, in a guy heavy field. Just as a example, out here the parks have a day once a month to work at clearing trails. Fairly hard work, but it’s rewarding, and you’re out there in the fresh air and sunlight with the trees, etc. It’s 90% guys. And guys who are able to put in a half day clearing brush and guys who are willing to do so for free. In other words- nice guys who are at least somewhat fit. Make sure you show up without a male 'escort", and ask for advice and a little help from the guys who aren’t married and aren’t complete trolls. Offer them one of your cookies, maybe ask for some of their water. The nice thing is that you are going there to volunteer. Meeting guys is a bonus. Thus you won’t feel so akward. Of my group, about half the guys are married. Half are semi-retired. Ok, but that still leaves 3-4 guys who are ruggedly handsome (one is even a firefighter!), single, and somewhat fit. Brad Pitt they ain’t, but if you’re waiting for Brad… well sorry. There is also likely a day-hike group somewhere. Likely there’s even one for singles. Again, the idea is going for a day hike. If you meet someone, it’s all a bonus. Nor are they “meat markets”, like a singles cruise or a bar. No one goes on a day hike hoping to “get lucky” with a “one nite stand”. Or find a rather liberal Church, like maybe the Unitarians. they will have singles mixers. ---
**Author:** ![gastropod1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d2c977/32.png) [@gastropod1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gastropod1)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2012, 10:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150/34 "2012-05-27T10:18:59Z")
It may, or it may not, help you to know that I am in a refracted predicament to that of your own (you can read about it in the post below. It’s an en.thraw.ling read 😉 My advice to you: Be very careful on online dating sites… Excuse the presumptuousness, but you sound rather vulnerable and prone to fixation, and perhaps throwing yourself to a bunch of strangers would be unwise. According to my interp, you appear to be in quite a rush (NB., 23 does not equate to old spinster) to find a man. If you couple this anxiety with a bunch of strange men, all wanting their own, equally complicated solutions to the m/f problem, you may end up in a bit of a fix. I dunno about over there in the US, but in the UK there are various NGOs and NHS (sorry to be smug) initiatives that can help folk get over their low level social anxiety. -It sounds to me like group sessions may be useful to you, but you didn’t want to hear about therapy, did you? BUT DON’T LISTEN TO ME! I’m more hopeless than the average bear! As for getting down wit da nomenclature…I nva did, and it didn’t do me any harm. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2012, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150/35 "2012-05-27T16:12:39Z")
> [@saralee504](#): > > Because I guess I’m afraid of rejection. In my mind, I’d rather jump off a cliff and die than to have someone I like think I’m weird and boring (even though they’re most likely already thinking it lol). Your low self-esteem is not justified. Remember, nobody doesn’t like SaraLee. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2012, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150/36 "2012-05-27T16:48:08Z")
Lot’s of interesting advice here. I’d suggest you avoid dating strangers, and try to get people you know to fix you up on casual dates until you’re more comfortable with the process. A double date with a known couple and one of their single friends doing something simple like going to dinner and a movie will give you some experience without all the anxiety. Be up front with guys and tell them you’re just trying to go out and be with people more often. Don’t lead guys on if you’re not into them. I think you’ll find it all relatively easy in a short time. If you really get fed up with dating game, and just want to get laid, go to a bar and get drunk. Suddenly you’ll find a lot of attractive interesting guys who are interested in you. Bring some friends along to keep you out of serious trouble. ---
**Author:** ![BottledBlondJeanie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/0ea827/32.png) [@BottledBlondJeanie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BottledBlondJeanie)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2012, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150/37 "2012-05-27T18:49:18Z")
Honestly dopers, when are you going to learn your lesson about socks/trolls? ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2012, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150/38 "2012-05-27T19:06:30Z")
> [@BottledBlondJeanie](#): > > Honestly dopers, when are you going to learn your lesson about socks/trolls? It does happen rather often that a “young-woman-who-just-signed-up-and-is-emotionally-unstable-and-conflicted-about-her-relationships-with-men” generates a thread much like this one. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2012, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150/39 "2012-05-27T19:21:52Z")
> [@BottledBlondJeanie](#): > > Honestly dopers, when are you going to learn your lesson about socks/trolls? Probably never. There’s a good faith assumption that operates here and even if the trolls get to make us dance a bit the discussions might help someone viewing them. ---
**Author:** ![saralee504](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc8723/32.png) [@saralee504](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saralee504)\ **Post date:** [May 28, 2012, 9:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150/40 "2012-05-28T09:13:49Z")
> [@BottledBlondJeanie](#): > > Honestly dopers, when are you going to learn your lesson about socks/trolls? What’s that supposed to mean? Makes absolutely no sense to me. I wasn’t gonna post this on Facebook. Or Youtube. Or walk up to complete strangers, tell them my sad story, and ask for their advice. I’m never **that** bored where I want to “troll” internet forums–trust me! Lol. No, I don’t sit around chatting with people on message boards all day. But I love them because it’s like free therapy for me. Do you know how much a psychologist/therapist would’ve charged me for all this advice? Probably an arm, two legs and a head. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-how-to-meet-men/623150.md?page=3)