# Help! I need clean, kid-friendly jokes! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 25, 2013, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-i-need-clean-kid-friendly-jokes/672181 "2013-10-25T03:20:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2013, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-i-need-clean-kid-friendly-jokes/672181/41 "2013-10-26T19:44:28Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > My dog’s got no nose… You fool, the OP is trying to keep them healthy, not kill them! ---
**Author:** ![Tethered\_Kite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a5b964/32.png) [@Tethered\_Kite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tethered_Kite)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2013, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-i-need-clean-kid-friendly-jokes/672181/42 "2013-10-26T20:04:23Z")
What did the ghost teacher say to the class? Now, watch the blackboard and I’ll go through it one more time. ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2013, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-i-need-clean-kid-friendly-jokes/672181/43 "2013-10-26T22:02:05Z")
What did the guru say at the hotdog stand? Make me one with everything. The guru handed over the money and got the hotdog. He then asked for change. The stand owner said “Change must come from within.” ---
**Author:** ![Tess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e480ec/32.png) [@Tess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tess)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2013, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-i-need-clean-kid-friendly-jokes/672181/44 "2013-10-26T22:50:15Z")
What do you call a dinosaur that just took a bath? Ex-stink ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2013, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-i-need-clean-kid-friendly-jokes/672181/45 "2013-10-26T23:18:21Z")
> [@Biggirl](#): > > … > > Why do the call it PMS? > Because Mad Cow Disease was taken. > … Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other, “Do you ever worry about Mad Cow Disease?” The second cow says, “Of course not. I’m a frog.” ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2013, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-i-need-clean-kid-friendly-jokes/672181/46 "2013-10-26T23:19:23Z")
> [@Tess](#): > > What do you call a dinosaur that just took a bath? > > Ex-stink What do you call a fairy who never takes a shower? Stinker Belle. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2013, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-i-need-clean-kid-friendly-jokes/672181/47 "2013-10-26T23:53:50Z")
Will a clean limerick do? _As a beauty I’m not a great star There are others more handsome by far. But my face, I don’t mind it For I am behind it. It’s the people in front that I jar!_ ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2013, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-i-need-clean-kid-friendly-jokes/672181/48 "2013-10-27T01:14:36Z")
Here’s another: _There once was a man from Purdue who found a large mouse in his stew. Said the waiter, “Don’t shout, Or wave it about. Or the others will be wanting one, too!”_ ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2013, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-i-need-clean-kid-friendly-jokes/672181/49 "2013-10-27T01:31:39Z")
Why did the Pilgrims’ pants always fall down? Because they wore their belts on their hats! ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2013, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-i-need-clean-kid-friendly-jokes/672181/50 "2013-10-27T01:55:11Z")
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2013, 8:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-i-need-clean-kid-friendly-jokes/672181/51 "2013-10-27T08:16:52Z")
> [@MannyL](#): > > Oh? How does he take in scents? In a little burner, of course. 😕 ---
**Author:** ![JBDivmstr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b4bc9f/32.png) [@JBDivmstr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JBDivmstr)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2013, 9:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-i-need-clean-kid-friendly-jokes/672181/52 "2013-10-27T09:15:25Z")
Where can you find a dog with no legs? (There are a couple of different answers to this one.) A. Right where you left him. B. In a bun. How come he (the dog with no legs) doesn’t have a name? He doesn’t need one, he couldn’t come if you called him. ETA: I grew up hearing my Dad tell this joke, usually to a stranger as a way to ‘break the ice’ and/or get a smile out of them, or when trying to get assistance from a ‘counter’ clerk/salesman, as a way to get them to be a little more inclined to be helpful and maybe induce them to remember him the next time he came back. I’ve taken to using it myself as I’ve grown older and it generally works pretty well. 🆒 The only time that it’s ‘backfired’ on me was at a Home Depot one day, a few years back. I casually ‘threw’ the joke out to a guy and with a completely straight face he replied, “Yeah, at home.” My reaction was, “Uh… yeah, right.” :dubious: He said, “I work for the SPCA and I _ **really do** _ have a dog at home with no legs.” :eek: I said, “You know that’s just a joke, right?” He said, “Yeah, I realize that. I’ve never heard it before, but since you asked…” He went on to tell me that the dog came to them after being hit by a car which caused it to lose the use of it’s hind legs. Since it was highly unlikely that the dog would be chosen for ‘adoption’, he decided to take it home rather than see it euthanized. While in his care, the poor thing developed diabetes and lost the use of it’s front legs. ☹ Never in a million years would I have bet that someone would have given me the answer that he did, to that question. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2013, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-i-need-clean-kid-friendly-jokes/672181/53 "2013-10-27T13:42:36Z")
How does a ghost get to the playground? On a boo-cycle. ---
**Author:** ![corvidae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@corvidae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corvidae)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2013, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-i-need-clean-kid-friendly-jokes/672181/54 "2013-10-27T17:30:21Z")
As I’m sure you’re all dying to know, our first flu shot clinic went beautifully. The kids did great, very few tears and many actually walked away laughing. Take a bow, Dopers, your contributions made a huge difference - thank you again from the parents, kids, and staff! We still have at least 4 more clinics scheduled (not to mention the shots we give all year long), so please keep them coming! ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2013, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-i-need-clean-kid-friendly-jokes/672181/55 "2013-10-27T20:40:49Z")
How many singers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change it and one to sing about the old lightbulb. ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2013, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-i-need-clean-kid-friendly-jokes/672181/56 "2013-10-27T23:41:21Z")
[Rinkworks.com](http://Rinkworks.com) has a “Really Bad Jokes” section. Here are some of the jokes. What does a wicked chicken lay? Deviled eggs. Where does a zookeeper hang his laundry? On a clothes lion. Why do businessmen carry umbrellas? Because umbrellas can’t walk. ---
**Author:** ![EmilyG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emilyg/32/364_2.png) [@EmilyG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmilyG)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2013, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-i-need-clean-kid-friendly-jokes/672181/57 "2013-10-30T21:51:09Z")
Why are pirates so popular? They just arrr. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-i-need-clean-kid-friendly-jokes/672181.md?page=2)