# Help...I've already bought a gift for my child's teacher **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 15, 2011, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341 "2011-12-15T21:27:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![67java89](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/aeb1de/32.png) [@67java89](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/67java89)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341/1 "2011-12-15T21:27:46Z")
And now the room mom is asking everyone to send in $20.00 for a group gift card. I can return the gift, but that is beside the point. I think my child should give the gift she wants to give her teacher. How do I handle this tactfully? ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341/2 "2011-12-15T21:33:44Z")
Just email the Room Mom and say you’re declining because you already have a gift. I doubt you’ll be the only one. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341/3 "2011-12-15T21:35:20Z")
Tell the room mom that you’ve already got the gift that your child wants to give. Teachers love getting gift cards, but they also enjoy getting personal gifts. Unless it’s an apple themed gift. Most teachers have more than enough apple themed items as it is. The room mom does NOT have the right to determine how much, if any, money each family can afford to give. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341/4 "2011-12-15T21:45:08Z")
Exactly. Each family should pay the bribe it can afford. ---
**Author:** ![ZenBeam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/3ab097/32.png) [@ZenBeam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZenBeam)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341/5 "2011-12-15T21:49:42Z")
> [@SmellMyWort](#): > > Just email the Room Mom and say you’re declining because you already have a gift. I doubt you’ll be the only one. This. Don’t add in anything like “I hope that’s OK.” Just send an FYI email so she’s not counting on your $20. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341/6 "2011-12-15T21:50:20Z")
I agree with the others that you should email the room mom and tell her you’ve already bought something that your child specifically wants to give the teacher. You will not be the only one. I promise. Only twice was I asked for money for a group gift. Once it was only $5 so I didn’t mind. The other time we declined because we did not like the teacher or how she treated our child during the last part of the school year. ---
**Author:** ![miss\_elizabeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/838e76/32.png) [@miss\_elizabeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/miss_elizabeth)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2011, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341/7 "2011-12-15T21:58:15Z")
> [@ZenBeam](#): > > This. Don’t add in anything like “I hope that’s OK.” Just send an FYI email so she’s not counting on your $20. +1. Don’t apologize, just inform. It will be fine. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2011, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341/8 "2011-12-16T00:16:22Z")
I wouldn’t add anything at all about having “already bought another gift” or even “we prefer to choose our own gift” I’d just send a note that says “we won’t be participating in the room gift” Don’t open the door to “oh, well next year you’ll know we buy a room gift.” If you can, add another paragraph letting her know you appreciate the work she does as “room mom” i.e. I got your note about sending $20 for a room gift. I wanted to let you know we won’t be participating in a room gift. I also wanted to take the opportunity to let you know how much I appreciated all the work you did as room mom in setting up the Halloween party. It was the highlight of Junior’s year. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2011, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341/9 "2011-12-16T01:13:04Z")
I agree with most here, to send your own gift. It’s a little late for the room mom to be “asking” for that kind of money. It would really add up. If I was someone who DID send in the money I’d want to see the gift card, to be sure all of it went to the teacher. ---
**Author:** ![phall0106](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/phall0106/32/5934_2.png) [@phall0106](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phall0106)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2011, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341/10 "2011-12-16T01:43:31Z")
$20 a kid, times (how many kids are in the class–20 or so?) = one VERY nice gift card. I can’t say I’d be handing over $20 (even if I had it). Demanding $20 from every kid is a bit ballsy (especially this close to the Holidays–she couldn’t have mentioned this six weeks ago?). ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2011, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341/11 "2011-12-16T13:48:46Z")
Twenty bucks per kid? Damn, where were these folks when Mom was teaching? She mostly got coffee mugs and Christmas ornaments and little tchotkes and homemade cookies/candies. Also, isn’t a few days before school gets out pretty damn late to be putting something like this together? ---
**Author:** ![Teacake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Teacake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Teacake)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2011, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341/12 "2011-12-16T23:10:33Z")
Jesus wept. If all the kids in my form put in £20 I’d end up with a gift card worth £540! Which I couldn’t accept, especially if I knew the parents had been asked for the money. I find that a really strange aspect of the US parent-teacher relationship. Oh, also, send her an email saying that you’ve already purchased a gift and won’t be participating. I think you do need the explanation, unless you want to be seen as curt, stingy and snippy. None of which you are, obviously. ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2011, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341/13 "2011-12-16T23:48:23Z")
$20 is a lot of money, I think. Just say no. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2011, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341/14 "2011-12-17T02:21:37Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Twenty bucks per kid? Damn, where were these folks when Mom was teaching? She mostly got coffee mugs and Christmas ornaments and little tchotkes and homemade cookies/candies. Also, isn’t a few days before school gets out pretty damn late to be putting something like this together? I imagine that the room mom left this chore until the last minute, when she decided to hit all the other parents up for money for a gift card. I think that I’d probably want confirmation of some sort that all the money did, in fact, end up in a gift card for the teacher, if I participated in any way. ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2011, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341/15 "2011-12-17T02:34:01Z")
I had a thread like this. Just tell her no thanks. 🙂 My room parent/pto asked for $36 per kid _minimum_. ---
**Author:** ![Runs\_With\_Scissors](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/278dde/32.png) [@Runs\_With\_Scissors](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Runs_With_Scissors)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2011, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341/16 "2011-12-17T04:26:19Z")
As a teacher, I find all these gift threads every year very distressing. If I were made of money and had kids, I would totally spend a shitload on a special teacher. But I also know that a thoughtful, hand written note from my child would be treasured just as much as an expensive gift, if not more. I sure hope no one reading these threads thinks teachers are “on the take.” (And if they are, well, they should get nothing.) Explain to the room mom what you prefer, and if she’s put out, then eff her. I think it’s fantastic so many parents want to show their appreciation, but it shouldn’t cause stress. I wish I had the money to buy gifts for all the wonderful parents who help me throughout the year! ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2011, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341/17 "2011-12-17T04:57:56Z")
Why is a specific amount being requested? Taking up a collection is fine, though I would hope that the kids aren’t involved at all and that all of this is happening among the parents. But putting a dollar amount on the donation is just tacky. I don’t even know what the hell a “room mom” is. We didn’t have one of those in any of my classes, and we certainly didn’t need one to make us bring the teacher presents. Is this a new-fangled thing or did I just go to bad schools? ---
**Author:** ![Rand\_Rover](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/db5fbb/32.png) [@Rand\_Rover](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rand_Rover)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2011, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341/18 "2011-12-17T05:08:08Z")
> [@67java89](#): > > And now the room mom is asking everyone to send in $20.00 for a group gift card. I can return the gift, but that is beside the point. I think my child should give the gift she wants to give her teacher. How do I handle this tactfully? I would just chip in the $20 and have your kid give the gift you already bought. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2011, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341/19 "2011-12-17T05:24:48Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > I don’t even know what the hell a “room mom” is. We didn’t have one of those in any of my classes, and we certainly didn’t need one to make us bring the teacher presents. Is this a new-fangled thing or did I just go to bad schools? We had them when I started elementary school in the late '80s, so they’re at least older than “playdates”. ---
**Author:** ![Butterscotch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/dc4da7/32.png) [@Butterscotch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Butterscotch)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2011, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341/20 "2011-12-17T07:18:40Z")
As the others said, just tell her you have already taken care of a gift and thank her for her work. Where I work the PTO collects 20 euro from each child at Christmas, but this money is then split, so gift cards are given to the teachers, principals, secretaries, teaching aids, specialist teachers, etc. Everyone who has contact with the children is included. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-ive-already-bought-a-gift-for-my-childs-teacher/606341.md?page=2)