HELP! I've found my father and I'm terrified.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

All the best jes.

I can’t speak from personal experience, but I did see what happened with my Mum. She was adopted at birth, then orphaned early in her teens. After that was a roller coaster ride round the relatives who had no real connection. She found her birth parents about 15 years ago. It helped her put all the pieces together. If your parents (all three perhaps) are going through a messy time, then all the more reason for you to find out the truth for yourself (slowly) and put a stable rock underneath yourself. You’ll never regret it.

We’re all with you on this one.:slight_smile:

22

Thanks, j_sum1.

23

[Shirley’s Advice Du Jour ]

I admire your courage to go this far.

I’ve often wanted to go to the next step to find my birth parents but can’t. By the time I get around to finding a set of cojones, they’ll be dead.

The fear of the unknown is as great as the fear of the known.

Anywhoo, I would recommend making up a list of things to talk about and how to start the conversation. Don’t expect the first conversation to last forever. He might be busy or in the middle of soemthing or has some place to go.

Give yourself and him an out for that first phone call. " I am on my lunch break and have a few minutes." Or " I don’t want to take up too much of your time…"

Do not, under any circumstances in this call, bring up the incident of pushing your mother down the stairs. That will buzz-kill the entire conversation. If things progress from there nicely, I wouldn’t bring it up for quite some time. And, (not to disparage your mother at all and what she went through) what happened back when your parents were married is water under the bridge. They probably both irritated the crap out of each other for many factors and were emotionally immature and just spewed alot on each other during what was probably the worst relationship of each other’s lives of which you are their little souvenier of. He probably has moved on and locked that time period with your mom into the mental closet. (Men seem to do that far easier than women, who hold onto a grudge like a dog with a frisbee, but then again, I/You don’t know all the particulars of their divorce so I’ll shut up now.)

But I bet he hasn’t forgotten about you, how could he when he has two other daughters? He’s probably wished to see you but feared a nuclear war with your mom and eventually gave up citing that your happiness was more important…etc.
I am willing to bet that since he is a professional now, if you call him at work ( don’t expect to actually talk to him the first time, he’s probably busy. Ask for voice mail. That could ease things considerably on both ends.Nothing like a quick Hit n Run through a machine.) that he has wondered about you and wants to see what has become of you.

Remember, as a detective, he has been in a world of tough questions and situations with scary characters, this call will probably knock the wind out of his sails, but he’ll recover quickly and probably appreciate your straightforwardness and understand your nervousness.

Babbling on along the intangent like this, " Hi, this is jes. do you have a few minutes? I’m not calling for a hand out or to crap all over you , I’m calling for two reasons, 1) to get your side of the families medical history for future reference. A heads up is far better than an unexpected poke in the eye. 2) To get to know the man who gave me life. I have unanswered questions that I need info on…"

Do your best, hope for the best, but don’t get attached to the outcome ( the pipedream of a perfect reunion …) because then you will be crushed in any and all circumstances.

as **J_sum ** said, " We are all with on this one."
And, naturally, we want to know the details as they warrant.

Good luck.

24

Well, I’ve made a decision, at least. I AM going to call him. I’ll do it this afternoon, around two. Still at a loss for openers, and pretty convinced that I’ll humiliate myself by crying like a newborn, but I’m going to do it. (Why isn’t there a scared/frightened smiley?)

25

It’s okay to be scared to death and cry.

It means you are human.

If you weren’t nervous about this then I would be worried.

Take a deep breath before you talk and center yourself.

I will send you good vibes today :slight_smile:

26

You guys have made me feel much better. I always knew dopers were nice folks, but you’ve all proven it. Thank you for your good vibes, Shirley. With all the well wishing and crossed fingers, it can’t go too horribly. :slight_smile:

Gulp

I hope.

27

My son looked up his half sisters when he was 17. Then their dad got sick and he saw his daughters for the first time in over 20 years just days before he died. It was sad, but I think they’re all glad they did it. Good luck!

28

Incidently, he was an asshole…but most people aren’t assholes 24 hours a day.

29

You know, I have a friend who lost both her kids when they were very young due to her being in a really bad state with drugs and alcohol. Years later, she recovered and was able to get in touch with her daughter again. She hadn’t tried for all those years because she knew she was an unfit mother, but when she had a few years clean and sober under her belt, she’d changed enough that it turned out to be a really good reunion.

Maybe your biological dad was having problems like alcoholism when he was with your mom – has she ever mentioned that? It’s certainly not uncommon in the police community. And if so, maybe he’s no longer drinking and has changed. This is all purely and totally hypothetical, but it’s possible he’s no longer the same jerk who pushed your mom down the stairs. People really can and do change that dramatically sometimes. The only way to find out is give him a chance. Good luck, and I really hope it goes well for you!

30

Good luck, jes! Hope it goes well and I will be thinking of you!

31

Not much to say on my part; I’m not adopted nor do I know anyone who is. But I can say that what you’re going to do is probably one of the hardest things you’ll ever face and regardless of what happens, I’m sure you’ll be happier as a result.

I think it’s an incredibly brave thing you’re doing and you’ve got my (for what it’s worth) complete and utter admiration.

32

Mama, I have asked my mother point blank whether or not my bio father had any addiction issues. She swears that he didn’t. She says that he had a very quick, violent temper, though. The way she presents things, he truly was an asshole and he treated her rather badly.

On the other hand, the few memories that I have of him do not involve any such behavior. I guess I’ll have make my own judgements about what he’s like now.

Thanks to Kalhoun, Aguecheek and HerMajesty. All this support has really made things…not easier, but… Well, you’ve all made me braver at any rate.

33

Two hours until show time… :eek:

34

hyperjes

First off, good luck to you.

I was raised by my dad and his parents and at age 25 (now 30) my birth mother contacted me, for medical purposes. The first thing she said was, this is P (I’ve always known her name) and I need to discuss a medical issue with you.

I found that angle very cold, as the receiver. Even if it was an ice breaker (although she did have a medical concern) I would much rather have had her just call me. Just a thought.

We have had an off again, on again relationship with a few ups and downs. I enjoyed having her in my life, but we’re not as close as we were the first year or two. Mostly on my part. I find it very difficult to be a friend, or daughter to her.

Call him up and say, "Hi (first name), this is Jes. If he says Jes who, tell him, using your Mom’s name… “Blank’s daughter” He’ll get it.

Again, good luck. It takes a LOT to do something like this. I thought about it for years, and never did it.

35

hyperjes, you have my support and best wishes. I know how scary this is–I contacted my father after many, many years of separation. It was very painful and difficult, but I’m glad I did it. It answered a lot of questions I had. At first, it seemed to go really well, and he sounded happy to hear from me. But gradually, we lost contact again (I think this is because he was ashamed of his life/situation/past actions). We no longer speak.

While I hope things go well for you, and I can’t imagine that he won’t have been curious about you for years now, please try to be prepared for a less than stellar reaction. As Shirley said, this will probably knock the wind out of his sails for a while. He probably feels guilt and shame for not having been part of your life for so long, and he may not know how to react to your phone call (this is not necessarily fatal to the potential relationship; he may just need time to get used to the idea of talking to you). Or he may turn out to be the deadbeet your mother says he is (like my father). But it could also open the door to a wonderful relationship, and be the best phone call you’ve ever made. Don’t worry about getting emotional–of course you’re going to be emotional!

As for opening lines, I would just say something like, “Hi, [insert your dad’s first name here, since it sounds like it might be awkward to call him ‘dad,’ and since you already have a father. Plus, your biological father doesn’t really have a claim on the title anyway, IMO], this is your daughter Jes. I wanted to get in touch and see how you were doing.” Then see how he responds, and take it from there.

I’ll be thinking about you, and am anxious to know how it goes. You’re doing a very brave thing, and no matter how it turns out, you’ll be glad you did it.

36

Down to one.

C’mon everybody somebody start the tomahawk chop :smiley:

We’re here for you and I’m sure its going to work out.

Hell a few years ago I rediscovered an entrie wing of my family that moved out west. There were the great grandchildren of my aunt who are surprizingly younger then me by 2 years. Go figgure.

37

{{hyperjes}} and {{everyone else who’s had to do this}}
Good luck!

38

{{{{{hyperjes}}}}}

39

Update when you can, good luck jes.

40

Thanks again, everyone. 30 minutes to go, now. I’m shaking. Literally.

I’ll let you guys know what happens.