# Help me be all cool and ass-kicky **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 24, 2003, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553 "2003-07-24T04:32:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![ace22](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f05b48/32.png) [@ace22](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ace22)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2003, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553/41 "2003-07-24T21:37:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by troub \* > \*\*But make sure you hold it sideways. > > Same thing if you just get a cat instead of a gun. \*\* Is that what I’ve been doing wrong all these years? Holding my cat upside-down instead of sideways?? > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by evilhomer_ > **Spelling your name in the snow would definately be cool - and a pretty good aerobic workout for a woman too, what with all the running required.** Well that’s officially the best visual I’ve had all week - a woman waddling around trying to spell her name…unless she has better muscle control than I do… ---
**Author:** ![StanDup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e5b9ba/32.png) [@StanDup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StanDup)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2003, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553/42 "2003-07-24T23:09:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by troub \* > \*\*But make sure you hold it sideways. > > Same thing if you just get a cat instead of a gun. \*\* I’ve got a cat, his name’s Raymond. _He_ can kick ass like nobody’s business. ---
**Author:** ![StanDup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e5b9ba/32.png) [@StanDup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StanDup)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2003, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553/43 "2003-07-24T23:35:40Z")
Oh, and I have GOT to draw all this stuff… Codpiece indeed…😃 ---
**Author:** ![StanDup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e5b9ba/32.png) [@StanDup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StanDup)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553/44 "2003-07-25T01:44:43Z")
And I have a pic of my cat…somewhere. ---
**Author:** ![fizgig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f04885/32.png) [@fizgig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fizgig)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553/45 "2003-07-25T02:03:15Z")
Your codpiece must have a detachable merkin if you want to reach that level of cool. ---
**Author:** ![StanDup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e5b9ba/32.png) [@StanDup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StanDup)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553/46 "2003-07-25T02:50:18Z")
[http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-7/298460/LooksLikeCool.jpg](http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-7/298460/LooksLikeCool.jpg) Here is the pic of me looking pretty damn coool, if I do say so myself. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553/47 "2003-07-25T03:38:35Z")
Roll on the balls of your feet when you walk. Cultivate a wordless cool stare. Dress in shades of a single color (at one time; dressing in a single color all the time will simplify your life but limit your options.) Avoid black; anyone can do black (but very few should). Develop a devastating warm laugh and smile for contrast. Learn to lower your voice half an octave. ---
**Author:** ![Eilsel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c68b51/32.png) [@Eilsel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eilsel)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553/48 "2003-07-25T03:54:06Z")
ooooo I’ll hold your codpeice…if I can ride you…er…ride your motorcycle…unless you’re a girl, then never mind. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![My\_Darn\_Snake\_Legs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f14d63/32.png) [@My\_Darn\_Snake\_Legs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/My_Darn_Snake_Legs)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553/49 "2003-07-25T04:15:27Z")
nope…when you illustrate you need to hold the cat/gun sideways with the butt of the gun outwards. That could also work with the cat. Wear gloves with that one though. –==Mike==– ---
**Author:** ![xiaoping](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/77aa72/32.png) [@xiaoping](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xiaoping)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553/50 "2003-07-25T04:38:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Topaz \* > \*\*[http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-7/298460/LooksLikeCool.jpg](http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-7/298460/LooksLikeCool.jpg) > > Here is the pic of me looking pretty damn coool, if I do say so myself. \*\* Topaz, have you learned nothing? Sideways, hold the gun (or cat) _sideways_ ---
**Author:** ![Quantum\_Butterfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e79b87/32.png) [@Quantum\_Butterfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quantum_Butterfly)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553/51 "2003-07-25T04:41:35Z")
Knee-high shiny black boots. With stiletto heels, if you can walk in them. (Personally, I can’t. Which is why I have settled for being a happy geek. That, and the fact that GeekWear is so much more comfy.) ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553/52 "2003-07-25T12:30:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by xiaoping \* > \*\*Topaz, have you learned nothing? Sideways, hold the gun (or cat) _sideways_ \*\* [ul][li]Cool illustration. Even has the Mickey Mouse\* pants. Hobbes would be proud.[/li][li]It _is_ cool to hold the gun properly…‘cos those sideways-gun-holdin’ muther lovers ain’t gonna look cool no more when you’ve got them bleeding all over the sidewalk.[/li]I don’t know about cat holdin’.[/ul] ---
**Author:** ![Kn\_ckers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/96bed5/32.png) [@Kn\_ckers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kn_ckers)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553/53 "2003-07-25T14:03:56Z")
If you are going to replace the gun with a cat, you should hold it with both hands. Unless it’s a very small cat, or you have very large hands. ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553/54 "2003-07-25T14:17:08Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Kn_ckers \* > \*\*If you are going to replace the gun with a cat, you should hold it with both hands. > Unless it’s a very small cat, or you have very large hands. \*\* That’s good advice. And make sure it’s a house cat and not a lynx. I tried to hold a lynx…once… ---
**Author:** ![Kn\_ckers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/96bed5/32.png) [@Kn\_ckers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kn_ckers)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553/55 "2003-07-25T16:46:25Z")
Maybe you should have tried with a dead lynx. Or at least a heavily sedated one. That might make it easier. To avoid any confusion, I’d suggest that instead of a cat, **Topaz** replace the gun with cucumber. They’re far less likely to scratch, and they’re good in sandwiches ---
**Author:** ![troub](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troub/32/14802_2.png) [@troub](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/troub)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553/56 "2003-07-25T17:08:20Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Kn_ckers \* > \*\*To avoid any confusion, I’d suggest that instead of a cat, **Topaz** replace the gun with cucumber. They’re far less likely to scratch, and they’re good in sandwiches \*\* Oh, so a cucumber is the same as a declawed cat? ---
**Author:** ![Kn\_ckers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/96bed5/32.png) [@Kn\_ckers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kn_ckers)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553/57 "2003-07-25T17:26:45Z")
No, because the cat can still bite. So, in terms of dangerousness, a cucumber is the same as a TOOTHLESS declawed cat (unless you’re allergic). However, cucumbers are smaller and less awkward to hold. Kn(resident expert on comparing animals and produce)ckers ---
**Author:** ![ace22](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f05b48/32.png) [@ace22](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ace22)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553/58 "2003-07-25T17:28:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by troub \* > \*\*Oh, so a cucumber is the same as a declawed cat? \*\* Is that what I’ve been doing wrong? Only _declawed_ cats taste good in sandwiches? Damn. ---
**Author:** ![StanDup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e5b9ba/32.png) [@StanDup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StanDup)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553/59 "2003-07-25T18:16:45Z")
Hehe… ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553/60 "2003-07-25T19:00:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ace22 \* > \*\*Is that what I’ve been doing wrong? Only _declawed_ cats taste good in sandwiches? Damn. \*\* You might want to shave it, too. If not, the ensuing hairball might get your cause of death listed as “terminal irony”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-all-cool-and-ass-kicky/190553.md?page=4)