# Help me be nice to an interested gentleman **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 25, 2010, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272 "2010-10-25T11:46:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2010, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272/41 "2010-10-26T06:07:26Z")
Just start telling him all about your girlfriend. Either he’ll get the hint or he’ll suggest a threesome. ---
**Author:** ![Nobody](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/94ad74/32.png) [@Nobody](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nobody)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2010, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272/42 "2010-10-26T06:11:37Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > She said she really didn’t want to have a friendship with him outside of work so mentioning friendship would seem to be the wrong thing to do. What you say sounds reasonable, but > [@Mangosteen](#): > > I would stay away from saying you enjoy his company “as a friend”. > > This only encourages him to continue the relationship and gives him hope that he will at some point convert you to his way of thinking ( your becoming his girlfriend). > > You need to make it clear that you do not want him in your life in any capacity. > > He is not nor will he ever be interested in being friends with you. Makes it clear that Mangosteen thinks that the guy, if told politely that monstro isn’t interested in him, will still try to win her over anyway. Which may be true, or it may not. Why assume the worse about him? ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2010, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272/43 "2010-10-26T06:21:52Z")
> [@Gestalt](#): > > I usually really like the “boyfriend” line, but in this case I think this would be a bit . . . obvious that you’re lying to give him the message. If you’ve been talking for a while and hanging out, etc, I think if you truly had a bf it would have been mentioned sooner. I like that line better for when you first meet someone who seems interested in you. Agreed. > [@](#): > > I do like the idea of super-duper emphasizing the business nature of y’alls relationship, and also emphasizing the business part of your weekend booth. also agreed. > [@](#): > > How about an email like this: > > Dear Nice Interested Gentleman, > > Hi, hope you’re doing well. \ But not too much small talk, when you have bad news, don’t mask it much. > [@](#): > > I just wanted to clear the air one on point . . . I’m afraid I might have given you the wrong signal when I let you pay for dinner for me last time. I really enjoy working with you and our little chats, but I can’t go any farther than that/can’t date you/must limit our relationship to that (however you want to phrase it). This sounds great. > [@](#): > > I also wanted to thank you for your purchases last week. The booth seemed really promising! I’m really hoping this week to be able to focus on connecting with potential customers. I think if I get a good turnout from this weekend, I could start a website or something, and sell fulltime. (Whatever. Just mention how you want to spend this weekend talking to people who are not him). this also sounds really good. However, if we are dealing with someone completely clueless, you may want to add “I’m afraid that I won’t be able to talk to you much if you come all the way up.” ---
**Author:** ![sisu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@sisu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sisu)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2010, 7:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272/44 "2010-10-26T07:14:44Z")
> [@Ogre](#): > > I’m oddly grateful for the characterization of this guy as an “interested gentleman”. Many posters around here, when writing about a similar situation, might overdramatize and depict his actions as stalkerish and creepy. He’s just a clueless guy who thinks he has a shot. I’ve been there. > > Let him down as easy as you can, but let him down. And do it soon. yep been there done that, men are clueless and need direction when our little heads do the thinking. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2010, 10:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272/45 "2010-10-26T10:55:25Z")
I can’t lie about the boyfriend thing. I’m not good with that kind of lying first of all, and I would think, as someone mentioned earlier, that if I had one, I would have mentioned it sometime during the day together. Also, it just seems seems like something that would be bound to be found out. I don’t know how, seeing as how we don’t work in the same location (that’s why most of our communication is done over the phone or through emails), but I would worry I’d be “found out” nonetheless. > [@Washoe](#): > > Just out of curiosity, why isn’t his interest in you reciprocated? Is it purely the age difference, or is it just that that certain ineffable ‘something’ simply isn’t there? I just don’t think I’ll ever click with people–male or female–in that kind of way. Even the friendships I have are vague and ephemeral. I am resigned to always be this way, and I have finally found some peace with it. But then I get into situations like this one and I never know what to do. I actually had a mini-nervous breakdown on Sunday about it, because the stress was too much for me to handle. I try to be friendly to mask the robot that dwells within. I can come across as a charmer because of my sharp and quirky sense of humor, and that makes me attractive to certain types of men. So then it becomes hard for me to later explain to others that I’m not “really” friendly—that it’s all just an act to fit in and get through the day as easily as possible. So in a way, I’ve already lied to him by presenting him with a facade. Which is all the more reason why I kind of resent him showing up, quite frankly. I wear the facade during the weeday. The weekend is supposed to be when I can be myself. ---
**Author:** ![Salem](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8c91f0/32.png) [@Salem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Salem)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2010, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272/46 "2010-10-26T11:29:49Z")
I definitely would make it clear, in whatever way you’re comfortable saying it, that he shouldn’t come up again to your booth. Something along the lines of how you know you agreed at the time but that the more you think about it, it’s better for you to be focused on your business and customers. Or whatever will get the message across clearly so he doesn’t drive two hours again, wasting his time and making you feel awkward, stressed out and interfering with what you’re trying to do business-wise. Ugh. This is a tricky one with the work involvement. You don’t want to ruin the nice work relationship you’ve had. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2010, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272/47 "2010-10-26T11:44:15Z")
> [@Nobody](#): > > Makes it clear that Mangosteen thinks that the guy, if told politely that monstro isn’t interested in him, will still try to win her over anyway. Which may be true, or it may not. Why assume the worse about him? Not to speak for **Mangosteen** , but in my experience, the type of guy who would drive two hours to surprise a work acquaintance, “bother her as long as he can” by attaching himself to her side for the entire day, and then make a stealth date by trading one of her crafts for a dinner of lesser value, all the while missing or discounting signals of disinterest from **monstro** (I know I wasn’t there to witness this myself, but I’m an expert in **monstro** body language…she’s not a flirter) probably needs to have things spelled out pretty explicity. It’s not about assuming the worse about him. He just doesn’t seem to be all that sharp when it comes to judging when to say when, so it’s probably best for **monstro** to not leave anything to his imagination. But that’s a lot easier said than done. If it were me, I’d be highly annoyed with the dude and yeah, a little creeped out about the surprise visit. It’s one thing to show up out of the blue like that; it’s other thing to impose your company on someone else when they can’t escape from you and are there to make money, not engage you in idle chit chat all day. So if his actions grated on you **monstro** , it’s perfectly fine to acknowledge that. Don’t let your concern about protecting his feelings keep you from looking after your own interests. I’ve made that mistake before and it’s caused me undue stress. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2010, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272/48 "2010-10-26T12:27:50Z")
Monstro, if you truly were a robot, you wouldn’t be seeking advice as to how to let this guy down easy. Don’t confuse a social anxiety disorder, which is common among creative introverts (which is what it sounds to my layman’s ears that you have) from an anti-social disconnect. Anti-social people don’t set up booths inviting strangers to interact with them. My advice would be to speak up for yourself. It was intrusive of him to come to your booth, uninvited, and spend the whole day there. Forgivable, but still intrusive. So confront directness with directness. If he asks you if you want to do this again, say, “Honestly, I’ve found it rather stressful. I like working with you but I want to keep it at that.” ---
**Author:** ![interface2x](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@interface2x](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interface2x)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2010, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272/49 "2010-10-26T13:40:40Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > The sushi dinner was his way of paying for the item he “bought” from me. He didn’t have enough cash on him (even though we had been standing right next to an ATM the whole day :smack:), so dinner was his way of paying me for the eucalyptus tree in the decorated flower pot he bought from me. Also, I had previously taken him out to lunch when we had a business meeting a while ago. So he felt like he “owed” me. Did he then make a bet that Dustin Hoffman was in “Star Wars”? If so, you just dated Todd Gack. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2010, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272/50 "2010-10-26T16:27:32Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > …and he drove 2 hours just to come. Most of us would drive farther than that. Am I right, guys? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2010, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272/51 "2010-10-26T16:57:37Z")
> [@Finagle](#): > > Good advice. Or, I guess you could always work the phrase “my boyfriend” or “this guy I’m seeing” into the conversation which seems to be a somewhat universal way of saying “I think you may be hitting on me and I’d like to discourage that without being too confrontational about it.” One small problem with the bf lie. Many guys will see the willingness to spend quality time with them despite the presence of a bf as a sign that you are more interested in new guy than you are worried about upsetting the current guy. So in a nutshell, it needs to be made clear what the boundaries are and that you make it clear that this is how you want it. Attempting to deflect blame to external factors just makes it look like you are interested if that factor changes or it can be worked around. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2010, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272/52 "2010-10-26T17:22:19Z")
Plus there’s the whole lying thing. It doesn’t sound like this guy deserves to be lied to; he just needs a misconception cleared up. ---
**Author:** ![Nobody](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/94ad74/32.png) [@Nobody](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nobody)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2010, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272/53 "2010-10-26T22:13:31Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Not to speak for **Mangosteen** , but in my experience, the type of guy who would drive two hours to surprise a work acquaintance, “bother her as long as he can” by attaching himself to her side for the entire day, and then make a stealth date by trading one of her crafts for a dinner of lesser value, all the while missing or discounting signals of disinterest from **monstro** (I know I wasn’t there to witness this myself, but I’m an expert in **monstro** body language…she’s not a flirter) probably needs to have things spelled out pretty explicity. It’s not about assuming the worse about him. He just doesn’t seem to be all that sharp when it comes to judging when to say when, so it’s probably best for **monstro** to not leave anything to his imagination. But that’s a lot easier said than done. > > If it were me, I’d be highly annoyed with the dude and yeah, a little creeped out about the surprise visit. It’s one thing to show up out of the blue like that; it’s other thing to impose your company on someone else when they can’t escape from you and are there to make money, not engage you in idle chit chat all day. So if his actions grated on you. I have no problem with her being honest. She should be honest. Polite, but honest. If after being polite he’s still insistent on trying to hit on her then she should be less polite about it. My only point is don’t be defensive right off the bat and assume the worse about him. He was interested, he made a move, it turned out that the woman he made it on isn’t interested. No harm, no foul. now that she realizes he was hitting on her, she needs to nip it in the bud. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2010, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272/54 "2010-10-27T02:28:19Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > He will probably call sometime this week or next. And I’ll tell him if he plans to come up again to just let me know beforehand. And I’ll also say something like, “I just need to let you know, so that I don’t give you the wrong impression, that if we have dinner again I’d like to pay my own bill. I like having you as a friend and don’t want to change that relationship, you know? And if I’m totally reading too much into our last interaction, please forgive me.” Do ya’ll think that’s clear enough without stinging his heart too much? I think it’s perfectly clear. It’s casual and friendly and not angsty, overly formal, or snotty. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2010, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272/55 "2010-10-27T11:32:49Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > Most of us would drive farther than that. Am I right, guys? 😛 \ “Why don’t you have a seat right over there” \ ---
**Author:** ![Balthisar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/balthisar/32/2825_2.png) [@Balthisar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balthisar)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2010, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272/56 "2010-10-27T12:05:40Z")
This is like a complete 180 from the normal situation. Lots of guys are afraid of rejection, but here it sounds like **monstro** is afraid of rejecting. Tip: Guys are rejected all the time. Most guys, in fact. I’d say _all_ guys, but I know there’s an outlier there somewhere (stalker types, pickup scene, and such). It often takes a lot of rejections in order to get an acceptance, and we (guys) know that. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2010, 12:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272/57 "2010-10-27T12:14:16Z")
> [@astro](#): > > \ “Why don’t you have a seat right over there” \ \ "So what were you planning on doing with the wine coolers, that Teddy Bear and those piña colada-flavored condoms? \ mmm ---
**Author:** ![luv2draw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/46a35a/32.png) [@luv2draw](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/luv2draw)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2010, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272/58 "2010-10-27T17:10:14Z")
Since it seems that you are just communicating with him by email, my question is why are you even telling him where your weekend shows are taking place? I would just omit discussing them and anything else personal, keeping the emails just business. Of course, if the shows are always in the same venue or if you’ve already given him your schedule, then it’s too late for that tactic. I don’t think it’s ever too late to use the “my boyfriend” line. As in, “no, I can’t have dinner with you because I have to meet my boyfriend”. Also, if someone wanted to purchase some of my artwork from me, didn’t have the $$$ to pay for it and bought me dinner instead, I’d be pretty pissed and would have no trouble telling him that. Actually, it doesn’t make sense that he had $$$ for dinner but not to pay for what he bought. Huh??? ---
**Author:** ![BlankSlate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blankslate/32/80_2.png) [@BlankSlate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlankSlate)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2010, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272/59 "2010-10-27T20:50:25Z")
Considering the amount of detail in the OP, this thread could only be about two people in all of Virginia. Maybe Monstro will get lucky and the guy will turn out to be a member of this board. Or maybe just send him a link. Ok, I know that’s not possible, but if the gentleman in question could read it he’d see that she is trying to the right thing, in the right way. So my advice would be to email him and just lay it out in similar fashion. ---
**Author:** ![Gestalt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/90ced4/32.png) [@Gestalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gestalt)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2010, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272/60 "2010-10-27T20:53:07Z")
> [@luv2draw](#): > > . Also, if someone wanted to purchase some of my artwork from me, didn’t have the $$$ to pay for it and bought me dinner instead, I’d be pretty pissed and would have no trouble telling him that. Actually, it doesn’t make sense that he had $$$ for dinner but not to pay for what he bought. Huh??? I agree that dinner is a poor substitute for $$, but I think he was low on cash. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-be-nice-to-an-interested-gentleman/558272.md?page=4)