# Help me convince my boyfriend to split birth control costs **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 16, 2009, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329 "2009-04-16T20:36:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/21 "2009-04-16T21:18:45Z")
> [@Caldazar](#): > > While I’m not immediately in the “dump him” camp, I have to wonder if $30 is a significant financial burden for him. If it’s a bearable expense, that says something about the guy’s character and mentality. If it really is a lot of money to dish out right now, then I think the answer is to abstain from sex until you both can comfortably afford the expense. > > . If 30 bucks is a big deal for EITHER of em, and abortion is a big deal for either of em, as others have said/implied, a heck of alot more than than who pays for birth control needs to be discussed. ---
**Author:** ![Lightray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lightray/32/391_2.png) [@Lightray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightray)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/22 "2009-04-16T21:20:32Z")
He’s getting half the benefits, he should pay half the cost. That’s how these things work. (and, yes, I’m a guy.) Really, I don’t think a little dose of the Fear Of God might not do him some good. Tell him that you’re never late, but you missed a period and you need to buy some home pregnancy tests. Then make sure he’s around and has to wait with you to see what the result is. Maybe make some small talk while waiting about how much a baby costs nowadays… and how he’ll have to drop out of school and get a job that pays. _Then_ see how he feels about splitting the costs. ---
**Author:** ![Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimmy_Gibbler)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/23 "2009-04-16T21:21:14Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I don’t consider condoms the optimal or appropriate method of birth control for persons in a committed long term relationship. If I recall aright, **MissIntent** and her boyfriend are cohabiting, so they’re clearly intending to be together, if not necessarily for the long time, then certainly for an indefinite period of time. Something more reliable is called for, I think. Wait, what? Do the condoms know about the longevity of the relationship?!? I would think the more reliable method is the one you would use for your torrid night with a random, right? It’s the random whom you don’t want to be stuck with if something goes awry. The idea that long-term use of condoms with one partner increases the per-incident probability of breakage is just [the gambler’s fallacy](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gambler%27s_fallacy) or a close cousin of it. So, if condoms are good enough for a hookup, why wouldn’t they be good enough for an LTR? Also, an aside, it is “they intend,” “they are intending” is ungrammatical. ---
**Author:** ![emmaliminal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7bcc69/32.png) [@emmaliminal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emmaliminal)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/24 "2009-04-16T21:21:50Z")
The only reason I can think of for not being annoyed would be if you think a knee-jerk worry about money got in front of his manners and good sense. My husband, a stellar human being in most respects, loses his mind a little when he thinks about money. I know this about him and so does he. I know I must be patient with him when we discuss finances, and I sometimes let things go rather than press points with him because the points are not important enough. If they’re important, I do find I need to work at the patience part, but I think it’s fair that I be patient; everyone’s entitled to a few quirks. **billfish678** , actually, why wouldn’t they? I don’t mean to the penny or anything, but it’s pretty normal for co-habitating unmarrieds to agree to split shared costs, especially for monthly expenses. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/25 "2009-04-16T21:22:41Z")
I really didn’t mean to start the “dump his ass” bandwagon others are so ostentatiously avoiding. I think it’s possible that the boyfriend simply has not thought it through, but if MissIntent makes a calm reasoned case he will see that he’s being a doofus. ---
**Author:** ![emmaliminal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7bcc69/32.png) [@emmaliminal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emmaliminal)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/26 "2009-04-16T21:27:17Z")
> [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](#): > > Also, an aside, it is “they intend,” “they are intending” is ungrammatical. No, it isn’t. The continuous tense merely reinforces the semantic meaning. You could say it’s _unnecessary_, but you can’t say it’s ungrammatical. ---
**Author:** ![Jackknifed\_Juggernaut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de053/32.png) [@Jackknifed\_Juggernaut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackknifed_Juggernaut)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/27 "2009-04-16T21:28:58Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > I have to agree with **Dangerosa** and everyone else. I have never had a serious boyfriend who didn’t insist on paying for half of the birth control without me ever bringing it up… Really? I’ve never had any girlfriend ask me to share the costs of pills. I certainly would not have objected. But I just never really thought about it. I did pay for Plan B a couple of times. ---
**Author:** ![Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimmy_Gibbler)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/28 "2009-04-16T21:30:44Z")
> [@emmaliminal](#): > > No, it isn’t. The continuous tense merely reinforces the semantic meaning. You could say it’s _unnecessary_, but you can’t say it’s ungrammatical. [See the first bullet point in the section titled Dowty’s analysis.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stative_verbs) One either knows or does not know, one cannot be in the middle of “knowing;” likewise, one either intends or does not, one cannot be in the middle of intending. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/29 "2009-04-16T21:30:47Z")
> [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](#): > > Wait, what? Do the condoms know about the longevity of the relationship?!? Condoms don’t know anything. They’re inanimate objects. However, as birth control devices, they are strongly associated with casual and relatively unplanned sex, rather thana relationship that is intended to be ongoing and indefinite in duration. In such a relationship, when it is understood that the parties will regularly be havng intercourse, a method that is more reliable and less apt to reduce the pleasure for the parties involved is indicated. > [@](#): > > Also, an aside, it is “they intend,” “they are intending” is ungrammatical. No, it is not. It is a style error, perhaps, as it is quite casual, but so what? This is a causal conversation. If I were writing a report for work (which I am doing in my Word screen) I’d not use the construction, but a message board post is not analogous to formal reports; it’s analogous to a casual conversation. I don’t fuss about “who” versus “whom” on message boards either. ---
**Author:** ![Caldazar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Caldazar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caldazar)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/30 "2009-04-16T21:32:53Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > If 30 bucks is a big deal for EITHER of em, and abortion is a big deal for either of em, as others have said/implied, a heck of alot more than than who pays for birth control needs to be discussed. _shrug_ I remember certain times as a college student when I didn’t have $30/month to spare. Sometimes you’re just plain poor, and you have to play the hand you’re dealt. Not saying that this applies to the OP or her boyfriend, necessarily, which is why I threw my comment out there. The OP probably does need to have a bit more discussion with the boyfriend, regardless of the financial situation. > [@MissIntent](#): > > I want to hear good honest reasons for NOT splitting birth control that I need to consider. I know how I feel about this - annoyed with him. If there’s any reason I shouldn’t be, I want to take it into consideration. Any reasons posters may or may not be able to come up with aren’t really important here. More to the point I think: what are your boyfriend’s stated reasons for not wanting to pay $30/month out of his pocket for birth control? ---
**Author:** ![taxi78cab](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47c2d/32.png) [@taxi78cab](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/taxi78cab)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/31 "2009-04-16T21:33:31Z")
> [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](#): > > So, if condoms are good enough for a hookup, why wouldn’t they be good enough for an LTR? I don’t think it’s that they aren’t good enough, I think it’s that most people in LTRs get tested for all the various STDs and then stop using condoms, replacing them with some form of hormonal BC or an IUD. Condoms are the only way to reduce the risk of STD transmission so they should always be used for a short-term hookup. But once it becomes something longer term, many people like to get away from condom use. I think that’s what Skald meant. ETA: Oops, Skald got around to answering before I did. But I made a slightly different point, so I’m going to leave my post. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/32 "2009-04-16T21:34:08Z")
> [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](#): > > [See the first bullet point in the section titled Dowty’s analysis.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stative_verbs) One either knows or does not know, one cannot be in the middle of “knowing;” likewise, one either intends or does not, one cannot be in the middle of intending. One is not constrained to follow formal conventions of usage in a casual conversation. One might be considered needlesly pedantic for taking others to task for not doing so. One might easily argue that introducing sidebars on stative verbs is wholly inappropriate. Next you’ll be lecturing us on copulative verbs and structural grammar. I will be obliged to shoot myself in that case, of course. ---
**Author:** ![emmaliminal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7bcc69/32.png) [@emmaliminal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emmaliminal)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/33 "2009-04-16T21:34:50Z")
> [@Jackknifed\_Juggernaut](#): > > Really? I’ve never had any girlfriend ask me to share the costs of pills. I certainly would not have objected. But I just never really thought about it. Most of my boyfriends asked _me_, not the other way around – but then my BC of choice has always been covered by my insurance. **MissIntent** , you know, I had a pharmacist tell me that the Nuvaring/heat thing wasn’t as important as all that on the user’s end; that the pharmacy keeps 'em refrigerated because they may have them on hand for several months. I don’t know if he was blowing smoke – at the time I was picking up a refill that had sat in the “Ready” box, not the fridge, for a few days (in Texas, btw), and I was concerned about it. If you really can get it affordably online, it’d be worth the research to find out how important temperature really is, I’d think. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/34 "2009-04-16T21:35:40Z")
> [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](#): > > I would think the more reliable method is the one you would use for your torrid night with a random, right? Ideally, you’d want both the reliable woman-used hormonal method **and** the condoms for a hookup, since hormonal methods don’t do jack to protect against sexually-transmitted infections. (I’m assuming at this point that the OP and her boyfriend are tested clean and monogamous.) ---
**Author:** ![Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimmy_Gibbler)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/35 "2009-04-16T21:35:57Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Condoms don’t know anything. They’re inanimate objects. However, as birth control devices, they are strongly associated with casual and relatively unplanned sex, rather thana relationship that is intended to be ongoing and indefinite in duration. In such a relationship, when it is understood that the parties will regularly be havng intercourse, a method that is more reliable and less apt to reduce the pleasure for the parties involved is indicated. So he should be required defray the cost of the more expensive nuvaring, even though she works and he’s still in school, and even though he is willing to split the cost of rubbers, because in the semiotics of birth control, condoms = promiscuity? ---
**Author:** ![holmes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e95f7d/32.png) [@holmes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/holmes)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/36 "2009-04-16T21:38:44Z")
> [@Caldazar](#): > > _shrug_ I remember certain times as a college student when I didn’t have $30/month to spare. Sometimes you’re just plain poor, and you have to play the hand you’re dealt. Not saying that this applies to the OP or her boyfriend, necessarily, which is why I threw my comment out there. That’s certainly true, but the other side of that are students who say they are broke, yet can find money for cigs, or beer or ringtones or whatever. Often saying they’re broke is shorthand for, “I don’t want to spend money on THAT, i will on this.” as opposed to not having the money for anything. ---
**Author:** ![taxi78cab](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47c2d/32.png) [@taxi78cab](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/taxi78cab)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/37 "2009-04-16T21:38:58Z")
> [@emmaliminal](#): > > **MissIntent** , you know, I had a pharmacist tell me that the Nuvaring/heat thing wasn’t as important as all that on the user’s end; that the pharmacy keeps 'em refrigerated because they may have them on hand for several months. I meant to address this point too. I get my Nuvaring by mail order, and they come in a styrofoam-lined box with a frozen gel pack thingy. As long as you take them inside the same day that the FedEx or whoever leaves them, I’d think they would stay cold. ---
**Author:** ![emmaliminal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7bcc69/32.png) [@emmaliminal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emmaliminal)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/38 "2009-04-16T21:43:36Z")
> [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](#): > > [See the first bullet point in the section titled Dowty’s analysis.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stative_verbs) One either knows or does not know, one cannot be in the middle of “knowing;” likewise, one either intends or does not, one cannot be in the middle of intending. First, what **Skald** said. Second, one can \*too \*be in the middle of intending, as one can decide to change one’s intent. “I no longer intend to do that” is perfectly sensible. Third, and dehijackingly, to your last pertinent point, condoms are a hassle in a moment of passion; hormonal BC is not (if you’re doing it right). Condoms are a reasonable inconvenience for unexpected sex, with the bonus of protecting against disease from an unthoroughly known partner. BC is a reasonable investment for expected sex, at which point you would presumably know more about how necessary disease-prevention is likely to be. ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Sensitive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/58956e/32.png) [@Darth\_Sensitive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Sensitive)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/39 "2009-04-16T21:46:24Z")
> [@Lightray](#): > > He’s getting half the benefits, he should pay half the cost. That’s how these things work. (and, yes, I’m a guy.) > > Really, I don’t think a little dose of the Fear Of God might not do him some good. Tell him that you’re never late, but you missed a period and you need to buy some home pregnancy tests. Then make sure he’s around and has to wait with you to see what the result is. Maybe make some small talk while waiting about how much a baby costs nowadays… and how he’ll have to drop out of school and get a job that pays. > > _Then_ see how he feels about splitting the costs. That’d be a deal breaker for me. That’s intentional dishonesty and scare tactics. Talking it out about pros and cons of kids and various methods is one thing, lying like this is a whole different kettle of fish. Male, 20 ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/40 "2009-04-16T21:49:00Z")
> [@holmes](#): > > That’s certainly true, but the other side of that are students who say they are broke, yet can find money for cigs, or beer or ringtones or whatever. Often saying they’re broke is shorthand for, “I don’t want to spend money on THAT, i will on this.” as opposed to not having the money for anything. This. “I can’t afford this amenity” is often code for “I do not know how to make a budget” or “I need my daily dose of Nestle Crunch Bars.” Which makes sense ina way, as Nestle Crunch Bars are awesome. I miss them so. Anyway– **MissIntent** , can you sit your boyfriend down and make a budget? Examine how much the two of you are spending on various amenities, and commit to setting aside a given amount each pay period for the birth control. [QUOTE=taxi78cab] ETA: Oops, Skald got around to answering before I did. But I made a slightly different point, so I’m going to leave my post. [/QUOTE] Yes, but your respond was both functionally identical to mine, and considerably pithier. Stop that, as it makes me look bad and, repeated too often, will reduce me to crying, inside, as if I were no manlier than Richard Simmons. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329.md?page=3)