# Help me convince my boyfriend to split birth control costs **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 16, 2009, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329 "2009-04-16T20:36:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Giltathriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b38774/32.png) [@Giltathriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giltathriel)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/61 "2009-04-16T23:54:42Z")
For what it’s worth, [www.feministing.com/archives/011440.html](http://www.feministing.com/archives/011440.html) Dear Abby agrees with your boyfriend. I, on the other hand, think he should definitely split the cost with you. ---
**Author:** ![appleciders](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85f322/32.png) [@appleciders](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/appleciders)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 11:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/62 "2009-04-16T23:56:22Z")
> [@Lightray](#): > > He’s getting half the benefits, he should pay half the cost. That’s how these things work. (and, yes, I’m a guy.) > > Really, I don’t think a little dose of the Fear Of God might not do him some good. Tell him that you’re never late, but you missed a period and you need to buy some home pregnancy tests. Then make sure he’s around and has to wait with you to see what the result is. Maybe make some small talk while waiting about how much a baby costs nowadays… and how he’ll have to drop out of school and get a job that pays. > > _Then_ see how he feels about splitting the costs. I’d break up with a girl who did this to me. That’s really dishonest and manipulative. One thing that would run through my mind is why you’re asking now. Yes, I understand that the price just doubled for you, but if it wasn’t ethically important for him to pay the $12.50 last month, why is it important for him to pay the $30 now? If I were a slightly paranoid person, I’d wonder if this isn’t a foot-in-the-door thing; this month he starts paying for half the birth control, the next month he’s paying for part of your rent because he sleeps at you house a couple nights a week, or something like that. If you’ve been together for years, that’s probably not a worry for him, but if you’ve only been together 2 months, it may have crossed his mind. That said, I’d probably pay $30 a month rather than use condoms. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![samm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/858c86/32.png) [@samm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/samm)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/63 "2009-04-16T23:59:30Z")
What about depo shots? Are they more/less expensive? It just seems to me that there ought to be some other form of cheaper birth control that you are willing to consider if you tried. If you are “unwilling” to compromise on the type of birth control and he is “unwilling” to compromise on the cost, then you both are equally at fault and should both find new lovers. ---
**Author:** ![MissIntent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/97f17d/32.png) [@MissIntent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissIntent)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/64 "2009-04-17T00:02:48Z")
I brought this up to him yesterday. His answer was vague, but it was not a no (though definitely not a yes). We will talk about it again on saturday. I worked this morning and afternoon, he worked this afternoon and evening, repeat tomorrow… I talked to Planned Parenthood yesterday. When I asked about a different clinic, they told me that all the clinics in my area stopped carrying the Nuvaring. Which is just annoying. Oddly though, after this thread I am leaning more toward rearranging my own budget and eating this expense for a few months. Why? A few posts caused me to think about how the costs in our relationship are not evenly split - despite my attempts. He has never allowed me to pay for dinner out, offers to buy me drinks in bars when we go out (both those things are very rare, I can’t remember the last time we ate out, and the last time at a bar… a month ago?). However, we stay in and cook dinner together most nights and he never voluntarily lets me pay for the food. I go to the store, I offer, he tells me no no, he’ll get it. And he admits if I’m not there he’ll just eat ramen. When we go anywhere he volunteers to drive 95%+ of the time, and has never taken money for gas. In short, when I thought about it for a while, the expenses in are relationship are not split evenly. He shoulders most of it, and I don’t think it’s unfair for me to take care of this, despite it being something we’ll both use. And finally, a last minute thought. I’m pro choice but at this point in my life, if I get pregnant, I’m keeping it. He knows this. This may seem foolish given both of our poor financial circumstances, however my parents are in the area, decently off and would love and support another grandchild (I am reminded of this weekly). I also just got an accounting degree and if I got pregnant now, by the time I gave birth I would be within a semester of a masters in accounting. That’s no guarantee for wealth, but I would have opportunities. It would be far from ideal, but getting pregnant now would not be a horrible thing. ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/65 "2009-04-17T00:06:48Z")
> [@kathmandu](#): > > Having said that, I’m of the view that everyone should be responsible for their own fertility. If you have chosen that particular method of birth control, it’s up to you to pay for it. Very true, and she’s also within her rights to decide that if she can’t afford her preferred method, she will abstain from sex until she can afford it again. Not a punishment for the boyfriend, just a fact. But one that might make him think. When Mr. S and I started messing around, I had just gotten a scrip for BCs to control some hormonal stuff; the BC aspect was just a handy and timely benefit. He was working full-time and I was still a poor student, but I managed to cover the cost myself. A while back, I asked him if he would have helped with the expense if I’d asked him to, and he said, “Absolutely.” Then again, he’s not a douche. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/66 "2009-04-17T00:14:28Z")
> [@MissIntent](#): > > In short, when I thought about it for a while, the expenses in are relationship are not split evenly. He shoulders most of it, and I don’t think it’s unfair for me to take care of this, despite it being something we’ll both use.. I understand your reasoning but his priorities are screwed on wrong if he routinely springs for dinner out, which I consider a luxury, but won’t contribute to a mutually beneficial medical expense. It sounds to me like he enjoys paying when it makes him feel good to so, and for some reason assisting financially in paying for BC is not in that category. Wouldn’t you actually prefer it if you cut down on eating out and had peace of mind about affording your BC? Maybe I’m reading this wrong, but it’s something to consider. ---
**Author:** ![Lightray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lightray/32/391_2.png) [@Lightray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightray)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/67 "2009-04-17T00:16:51Z")
Folks, I did sort of realize that **MissIntent** wouldn’t go off and give her bf the “I’m late” scare I’d mused about, any more than she seemed likely to go off and dump her boyfriend over this as half a dozen others suggested. > [@Kyrie\_Eleison](#): > > God save me, I can’t help but think about the resulting ethical quandary if **MissIntent** should happen to have sex outside of the relationship. “Honey, by my count we had sex 10 times last month. Here’s the $2.72 I owe you.” Still… this sort of thing might _also_ have jarred him into thinking on the consequences as part of a _couple_, rather than as a cheapskate. > [@MissIntent](#): > > In short, when I thought about it for a while, the expenses in are relationship are not split evenly. He shoulders most of it, and I don’t think it’s unfair for me to take care of this, despite it being something we’ll both use. Probably not a bad idea to discuss this line of reasoning with your BF, though, just so you’re not leaving him under the impression that reproduction responsibility is solely _your_ duty. Half of the DNA sloshing around is still his, after all. or is that RNA? biology, so long ago… ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/68 "2009-04-17T00:22:32Z")
> [@MissIntent](#): > > In short, when I thought about it for a while, the expenses in are relationship are not split evenly. He shoulders most of it, and I don’t think it’s unfair for me to take care of this, despite it being something we’ll both use. Then that is probably fair. A lot of it is your perception (and his) of fairness. ---
**Author:** ![kathmandu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kathmandu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kathmandu)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/69 "2009-04-17T00:24:46Z")
> [@Scarlett67](#): > > Very true, and she’s also within her rights to decide that if she can’t afford her preferred method, she will abstain from sex until she can afford it again. Not a punishment for the boyfriend, just a fact. But one that might make him think. I absolutely agree. ---
**Author:** ![eldowan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/848f3c/32.png) [@eldowan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eldowan)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/70 "2009-04-17T00:28:19Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I am going to be atypically serious and quite blunt in answering. > > You have to threaten to cut him off, and mean it, and follow through if he refuses. > > If he wishes to have sex with you but refuses ot contribute to your not having an unplanned pregnancy, then I predict with utter certainty that, in the event of such a pregnancy, he will neither be willing to help you pay for an abortion nor be willing to do his part in paying child support if you decide to keep the baby. I also predict, though with less certainty, that in the event of an unplanned pregnancy he will pressure you to abort the child, regardless of your feelings on the matter. But if he refuses to help pay for birth control, then he is not interested in being responsible. > > Tell him that no support on the birth control front equals no sex from you. If he protests that you would not make such an ultimatum if you love him, he is exposing quite a bit of information about himself. > > Phrase it nicely, but be firm. I absolutely agree with this! A very clear and pointed maner to get the situation across. FTR, I’m male. If your situation arose and I was a party to this I would have no problem in paying half the expenses, and depending on the respective finances, cover what portion will be increaseing. My thoughts are that I am in a relationship of equals, and I _need_ to take what precautions and responsibilities are in tune with where I am, where the other is, and where we both need to be. ---
**Author:** ![mariposalabrown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ad7895/32.png) [@mariposalabrown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mariposalabrown)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/71 "2009-04-17T00:29:53Z")
I have been a poor student as well, but $15/month each for sex, no baby, and the woman is more comfortable with the birth control? Go give some plasma or something, we did it all the time, and I think it was $60 a pop in Texas in 2002. I just think that if this is a problem right now, there are going to be much bigger problems in your future together. Not saying “dump him”, man, I don’t know. That would make me mad if my boyfriend couldn’t pony up fifteen bucks once a month to have sex with me, knowing that we won’t have a baby that we aren’t ready for yet. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/72 "2009-04-17T00:32:15Z")
> [@The\_Second\_Stone](#): > > Amen to that. You are at your sexual peak right now and in the most demand from men right now. Get one who isn’t such a selfish, self-centered sack of cheap crap. This may seem like a little thing, but it reveals everything about his personality that you need to know about his character: having sex with you isn’t worth $30 a month to him. If that doesn’t say what his priorities are, nothing will. Good God. Are you a pimp or something? Do you know how that sounds? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/73 "2009-04-17T00:40:56Z")
> [@samm](#): > > What about depo shots? Are they more/less expensive? It just seems to me that there ought to be some other form of cheaper birth control that you are willing to consider if you tried. If you are “unwilling” to compromise on the type of birth control and he is “unwilling” to compromise on the cost, then you both are equally at fault and should both find new lovers. All methods of hormonal BC come with major risks and side effects – even switching to a generic version of your ‘preferred’ type (often meaning you ‘prefer’ not to be suicidal, gain 40 lbs, lose all your hair, bleed for two months straight, lose your sex drive, etc.) can have major effects on women. If switching was that easy, I’m sure the OP would already have sought out the cheapest reliable BC available. As would all women. > [@MissIntent](#): > > I’m pro choice but at this point in my life, if I get pregnant, I’m keeping it. He knows this. This may seem foolish given both of our poor financial circumstances, however my parents are in the area, decently off and would love and support another grandchild (I am reminded of this weekly). I also just got an accounting degree and if I got pregnant now, by the time I gave birth I would be within a semester of a masters in accounting. That’s no guarantee for wealth, but I would have opportunities. It would be far from ideal, but getting pregnant now would not be a horrible thing. Right. As long as he knows this. All of it. ---
**Author:** ![MissIntent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/97f17d/32.png) [@MissIntent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissIntent)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/74 "2009-04-17T00:49:36Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > Right. As long as he knows this. All of it. Oh yes. I sat him down and told him that over a year ago, after we had been dating for 2 months. I have reminded him of it on occasion since. Never tried to hide it. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/75 "2009-04-17T00:52:18Z")
If the BF is generous with his money in other areas, and more importantly (since he’s a student) his time and his talents, then that’s all you can ask for. Don’t sweat the small stuff. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/76 "2009-04-17T01:48:59Z")
Well, if he’s in the habit of covering so many expenses…I think it would be best if you two sat down and discussed finances at this point. BC is more fundamental than dinners out–it’s way easier to cut back on nice restaurant meals, but you also don’t want to itemize your dating life! ---
**Author:** ![Marconi\_Schmeese](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ea666f/32.png) [@Marconi\_Schmeese](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marconi_Schmeese)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/77 "2009-04-17T02:08:32Z")
> [@thirdwarning](#): > > If thirty dollars a month is a big deal, or completely unaffordable, to either or both of you, maybe you need to avoid sex altogether. I sort of think you might want to figure out the cost of the Nuvaring plus condoms and split that. I know this is going to be an unpopular idea here, but if you truly can’t afford birth control, you certainly can’t afford a baby. I’d go with double protection. This. I’m married for 7.5 years, very financially comfortable, own two homes, two cars, etc. and my hubby and I still used double protection until one month ago when I had the Mirena IUD put in. Before it was pills and condoms EVERY time baby. AND I would have zero problem having an abortion. (We’re not the kid type.) I’d give him until Saturday to reconsider his selfish knee-jerk reaction and then either: 1. go without sex until you are financially comfortable enough to afford your choice method of birth control 2. kick him to the curb and find a better one ---
**Author:** ![Elyanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b5ac83/32.png) [@Elyanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elyanna)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/78 "2009-04-17T02:31:13Z")
I was going to chime in with ‘perhaps he pays for dinner and such a lot and feels picking up BC too would be uneven.’ But I see you’ve just covered that. So I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to refuse; and to answer those who are saying “but dinners are a variable expense and easily cut back,” well, if they come to the point where they need to cut back, they can probably rearrange who pays for what at that point. It’s a budget–it’s not set in stone. So I don’t think you should kick him to the curb over this, but rather have a talk and find out his purposes; that will probably help you more than internet people could. ---
**Author:** ![brickbacon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/898d66/32.png) [@brickbacon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brickbacon)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/79 "2009-04-17T02:40:54Z")
First and foremost, I would suggest you take your prescription to [Target](http://consumerist.com/consumer/baby-free-for-less/target-matches-walmarts-9-birth-control-pill-program-305208.php) or Walmart. Both stores offer birth control for $9/month. Second, I think it’s time to have a serious discussion with your boyfriend about how he views you and your relationship. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/80 "2009-04-17T02:43:24Z")
> [@MissIntent](#): > > Oddly though, after this thread I am leaning more toward rearranging my own budget and eating this expense for a few months. Why? A few posts caused me to think about how the costs in our relationship are not evenly split - despite my attempts. He has never allowed me to pay for dinner out, offers to buy me drinks in bars when we go out (both those things are very rare, I can’t remember the last time we ate out, and the last time at a bar… a month ago?). However, we stay in and cook dinner together most nights and he never voluntarily lets me pay for the food. I go to the store, I offer, he tells me no no, he’ll get it. And he admits if I’m not there he’ll just eat ramen. When we go anywhere he volunteers to drive 95%+ of the time, and has never taken money for gas. It seems to me that you may be reaching the point in your relationship where you really need to discuss shifting your finances away from “dating” standards and into “relationship” standards–something sustainable for a long period of time. Personally, I’d want to start going dutch to dinner/groceries and split things like birth control simply because I dislike feeling obliged. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329.md?page=5)