# Help me convince my boyfriend to split birth control costs **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 16, 2009, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329 "2009-04-16T20:36:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![MissIntent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/97f17d/32.png) [@MissIntent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissIntent)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2009, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/141 "2009-04-19T02:18:15Z")
I got worked up because when I initially realized how much birth control was going to be costing me I thought I would have to stop using it. And maybe I do seem greedy, but I challenge anyone to really stop and think about how wonderful their partners are. I am far from the first person to forget to count my blessings. Oh, and as for job discrepancy… We both work, and he’s actually making more than me right now, based on my part time internship. Still looking for something better though. ---
**Author:** ![emmaliminal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7bcc69/32.png) [@emmaliminal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emmaliminal)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2009, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/142 "2009-04-19T02:30:23Z")
**MissIntent** , rock on. I think the peeps that were thinking you were greedy were maybe forgetting what that stage of life is like, with the crappy jobs and the tuition and the loans and all, or maybe just not understanding your situation. It completely made sense to me that, if you asked him to share BC expense and he balked, it would throw you. It would have thrown me: it _sounded_ like he didn’t want to take part in the whole fertility dance ticket. Then, later, when you rethought your expense sharing, that made sense too. I hope you two will still have a better understanding about who pays for what and why after this. And I also hope you can get a lead on a cheaper Nuvaring deal! They are out there… ---
**Author:** ![Caricci](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Caricci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caricci)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2009, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/143 "2009-04-19T15:54:47Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Condoms don’t know anything. They’re inanimate objects. However, as birth control devices, they are strongly associated with casual and relatively unplanned sex, rather thana relationship that is intended to be ongoing and indefinite in duration. In such a relationship, when it is understood that the parties will regularly be havng intercourse, a method that is more reliable and less apt to reduce the pleasure for the parties involved is indicated. I’ve been married so long my wedding gown had a butt bow and puffy sleeves and that’s what we use. That’s what we’ve always used. My husband doesn’t like the idea of all those hormones other types of methods have. I don’t understand the bad rap condoms get. ---
**Author:** ![Rubystreak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Rubystreak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rubystreak)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2009, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/144 "2009-04-19T16:16:59Z")
> [@Caricci](#): > > I’ve been married so long my wedding gown had a butt bow and puffy sleeves and that’s what we use. That’s what we’ve always used. My husband doesn’t like the idea of all those hormones other types of methods have. > > I don’t understand the bad rap condoms get. [Condom failure rates](http://www.fda.gov/Fdac/features/1997/babytabl.html#a) according to the FDA’s clincal trials. [Another source](http://www.stanford.edu/group/SHPRC/ch6_bar.html) says typical use carries a 14% failure rate. A lot of people don’t think that an 11-14% chance of getting pregnant is an acceptable risk. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2009, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/145 "2009-04-19T16:23:14Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > **MissIntent** and her boyfriend are cohabiting and monogamous. If they were in a committed, adult relationship, all their costs would already be shared. There would be no question of “asking” to “split” costs of a particular item. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2009, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/146 "2009-04-19T16:25:26Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > A regional variant is “seventh day of the week.” I did not know that; thanks for the information. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2009, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/147 "2009-04-19T16:46:27Z")
> [@Caricci](#): > > I’ve been married so long my wedding gown had a butt bow and puffy sleeves and that’s what we use. That’s what we’ve always used. My husband doesn’t like the idea of all those hormones other types of methods have. > > I don’t understand the bad rap condoms get. Most people don’t exactly do the dance of joy at the thought of pumping synthetic hormones into their or their partner’s body, but a lot think it’s a far more attractive option than pregnancy. Condoms have a typical use failure rate that’s somewhere between twice and three times that of the pill, depending on which statistics you look at. They have a typical use failure rate about 20x that of the ring or patch, and about 80x that of a Mirena. If you’re okay with having a baby (or an abortion), then condoms aren’t a bad option. They’re cheap, immediately effective, and if you forget to pack them for a trip or realize at 8pm on a holiday weekend that you’re out, they’re easily replaced. They reduce sensitivity, but not enough to stop anybody getting off. Stopping and putting one on isn’t that big a hassle. But if you’re _not_ okay with having either a baby or an abortion…well, it’s a whole different world. ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2009, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/148 "2009-04-20T14:09:49Z")
I’m glad you got it worked out. However, if you’re in a situation where you’re not okay with a baby or an abortion, I’d be using condoms AND the pill (been there, did that). It minimizes the risk and lets both partners feel like they’re contributing. That being said, if I felt like my financial situation were sufficiently dire that I might not be able to afford BC while my husband and I were dating, and he balked at helping, I’d have seriously reconsidered the relationship. It’s not about equality or fairness, it’s about how depressing and lonely it would be to be in a long-term relationship where my partner had a “not my problem” attitude about things that bothered me and affected him. ---
**Author:** ![Caricci](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Caricci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caricci)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2009, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/149 "2009-04-20T14:37:03Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Most people don’t exactly do the dance of joy at the thought of pumping synthetic hormones into their or their partner’s body, but a lot think it’s a far more attractive option than pregnancy. Condoms have a typical use failure rate that’s somewhere between twice and three times that of the pill, depending on which statistics you look at. They have a typical use failure rate about 20x that of the ring or patch, and about 80x that of a Mirena. > > If you’re okay with having a baby (or an abortion), then condoms aren’t a bad option. They’re cheap, immediately effective, and if you forget to pack them for a trip or realize at 8pm on a holiday weekend that you’re out, they’re easily replaced. They reduce sensitivity, but not enough to stop anybody getting off. Stopping and putting one on isn’t that big a hassle. > > But if you’re _not_ okay with having either a baby or an abortion…well, it’s a whole different world. I will admit it probably works best when you’re mostly infertile, too. I keep forgetting about that. ---
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2009, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/150 "2009-04-20T15:39:42Z")
> [@Kalhoun](#): > > You’d be well served to re-think that. Because if you don’t consider your partner’s choice of contraception at least _partly_ your responsibility, you could end up with a bouncing baby child support payment. **Angry Lurker** ’s original response to the OP included: > [@](#): > > This is entirely the kind of feminism-when-it-suits me attitude that typifies modern women and I’m not having it. It appears that contraception is not one of his current considerations. He’s “not having it” at all… ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2009, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/151 "2009-04-20T15:48:08Z")
Gee - whatever happened to NOW? “My Body, My Decision!” Sounds like the argument could be extended to “My Expense!” Personally, as the guy in the relationship, I’d pay half if I were the least bit able. Sounds like neither of you have the finances to raise a child and abortion is out of the equation. I’d vote for either “No Sex” or “Use the ring and condoms.” If you cant afford a $35 increase in your monthly expenses, then you can’t afford a child either. Both BC methods have well-defined failure rates. The better definition of “Failure Rate” is “Successful pregnancy rate.” ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2009, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/152 "2009-04-20T18:15:25Z")
> [@Bridget\_Burke](#): > > **Angry Lurker** ’s original response to the OP included: > It appears that contraception is not one of his current considerations. He’s “not having it” at all… Oh, I see. If he doesn’t agree with what a woman says on the subject, obviously he’s too repellent to be having sex. Either that or I’m the only one apart from **Angry Lurker** who understands “I’m not having it” to mean “I’m not putting up with it”. :rolleyes: **MissIntent** , maybe if you’d shown up with a sincere “Which of us is right?” attitude rather than “I’m right! How do I make him do what _I_ want?” I’d have been less testy. It chaps my butt to see people posting in this thread to the effect that you should ignore his financial contributions to the relationship, because, you know, he’s only doing it to make himself feel good and in control… Hope everything works out OK anyway. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![crazyjoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f14d63/32.png) [@crazyjoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crazyjoe)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2009, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/153 "2009-04-20T18:20:39Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I’m sorry, but that’s utter bullshit in this case. > > **MissIntent** and her boyfriend are cohabiting and monogamous. Both of them are on the hook if she gets pregnant; it’s absolutely appropriate for them to share the expense of not becoming pregnant. > > Of course, given how late in the day it is, they have probably already had this conversation, which I hope went well. Pardon me sir, but I don’t think it’s utter bullshit. I am glad to hear that MI and BF have resolved the issue for now. However, earlier in the thread, she stated her intent to keep the child if becoming pregnant. She mentioned that her BF has been _informed_ of her decision. He has absolutely no input into her decision, nor the right, under the law, to force her to reconsider. It is not unreasonable for somene to think that, because all of the deciding is coming from her end, she should bear the burden of her decision. I can understand why some might be put off by this opinion, but really, people’s opinions and preconceptions when it comes to sex are SO varied, that it doesn’t surprise me that there are people out there with slightly different viewpoints. Quoting failure rates for “typical use” of condoms also assumes that you’re including misuse and incorrect use of them. Obviously there are ways to learn about proper usage and practice that, or they would not have figures for it. And if you want to be really safe, combine it with natural family planning, which is remarkably effective when practiced properly. And using a condom doesn’t have to interfere with foreplay…it can be integrated in many fun ways. ---
**Author:** ![MissIntent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/97f17d/32.png) [@MissIntent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MissIntent)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2009, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/154 "2009-04-20T19:36:31Z")
> [@crazyjoe](#): > > Pardon me sir, but I don’t think it’s utter bullshit. I am glad to hear that MI and BF have resolved the issue for now. However, earlier in the thread, she stated her intent to keep the child if becoming pregnant. She mentioned that her BF has been _informed_ of her decision. He has absolutely no input into her decision, nor the right, under the law, to force her to reconsider. It is not unreasonable for somene to think that, because all of the deciding is coming from her end, she should bear the burden of her decision. I told him within a month of us starting to sleep together, before we shifted from condoms to a hormonal form of birth control. Yes, I guess I informed him. I told him if I became pregnant I could not, at this point in my life, abort said child. Just couldn’t live with that. I felt he had a right to know that, and if he wanted to 1, not have sex with me or 2, continue to use condoms so he had a more active part in preventing a pregnancy from happening, he had that right. If I had gone into the relationship saying “If I get pregnant I’ll abort it” and then changed my mind at some point, then I think it’s something that would have to be discussed with SO. But this was a decision I made prior to even meeting my boyfriend. It would have been a lie for me to say I would consider an abortion. It also would have been a lie for me to say I was interested in adoption. What would you rather I had done? I wanted to be up front and let the guy know ahead of time what he was possibly getting himself into. Oh, and the burden of the decision is really that we need to use a good form of birth control. We found one that works well with my body and we both enjoy sex more without condoms. So I’m evil because I want to continue with it? ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2009, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/155 "2009-04-20T20:36:56Z")
Evil? Of course not. Thoughtless and greedy for automatically assuming your choice ought to be subsidised regardless of what the subsidiser’s input might already be? That’s a little more open to discussion (and you seem to have reached the right answer). ---
**Author:** ![crazyjoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f14d63/32.png) [@crazyjoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crazyjoe)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2009, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/156 "2009-04-20T20:40:24Z")
I don’t think you are evil at all. My post really used you as an example for a general statement. The statement is basically that no matter what you say, the man has absolutely no control over your decision (short of taking yet another case to the supreme court and attempting to overturn Roe v Wade, and we all know how successful that has been). Since that is the case, it’s simply my position that I _understand and sympathise with_ the idea that the non-deciding partner not have to incur the expense of birth control. Personally I beleive that communicating and understanding is key in any relationship, so having a discussion about it was great, and I’m happy you’ve resolved it to your satisfaction. I don’t think of you as evil – I need to repeat that. I think that the position of several posters in this thread-- that the only answer is for the man to step up and pay half for the BC and if he doesn’t he’s a pathetic jerk – is evil, or at least pretty stupid. If your BF had agreed to pony up for the BC I wouldn’t think that was evil, either…as I said, there are so many differing ingrained emotional opinions where sex is concerned that I have a hard time with so many people in this thread declaring the “my way or the highway” option to be the only reasonable choice. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2009, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/157 "2009-04-20T20:45:39Z")
> [@MissIntent](#): > > I told him within a month of us starting to sleep together, before we shifted from condoms to a hormonal form of birth control. Did you have pregnancy scares when the condoms broke? Surely those led to ‘refresher’ discussions about protection and what you’d do in case of pregnancy, right? This likely came up during your recent discussion, but if you haven’t already, reinforce your point of view. (Though truly, no one knows what they would actually do with an unintended pregnancy until they’re met with one.) I am with those suggesting you use both the Nuvaring and condoms. Doesn’t do much for you, financially, but great for peace of mind. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2009, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/158 "2009-04-21T03:40:49Z")
> [@crazyjoe](#): > > I think that the position of several posters in this thread-- that the only answer is for the man to step up and pay half for the BC and if he doesn’t he’s a pathetic jerk – is evil, or at least pretty stupid. Well, I think it’s pretty short-sighted and stupid for a guy to be unwilling to pony up for part of the birth control, frankly. I mean, think about it–once the pee stick turns blue, he has no further control over whether or not he spends the next two decades paying child support. If he doesn’t want to be making those payments, birth control is his best and _only_ protection, so saying “not my problem you can’t afford something effective” doesn’t make a hell of a lot of sense. It doesn’t make him evil, or pathetic, or a jerk, but it does imo make him kind of dumb. And something I think a lot of guys never stop to think about is the physical risk involved with any form of birth control other than NFP. Read the lists of potentially deadly side effects on this stuff sometime–stroke, deep vein thrombosis, uterine perforation, all kinds of scary shit. And guess which partner is at risk for all those things? It ain’t the guy. The guy also isn’t at risk for the less serious but still miserable side effects like bloating and mood swings and chronic spotting. So it’s pretty easy for women to think “I’m permanently holding 10 pounds of water in my fingers and ankles, every pair of underwear I own is stained because blood randomly leaks out of my crotch, I’m riding a hormone-induced emotional roller coaster, this shit could _kill_ me, and he can’t write a goddamn CHECK?! WTF?!” From that perspective, chipping in a little cash really seems like the very least a man could do. ---
**Author:** ![not\_alice](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_alice/32/7283_2.png) [@not\_alice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_alice)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2009, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/159 "2009-04-21T05:00:11Z")
> [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](#): > > [See the first bullet point in the section titled Dowty’s analysis.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stative_verbs) One either knows or does not know, one cannot be in the middle of “knowing;” likewise, one either intends or does not, one cannot be in the middle of intending. [hijack] One certainly can be in that state when speaking in Japanese. Hence the state exists. This seems to be a fine way to express it in English to me. I don’t see “intend” or “know” as instantaneous verbs - i don’t know, I know (for an instant only), I knew. More like i don’t know, I know/am knowing (for a period of time), I knew. [/hijack] I am with Skald on this. Let him know gently, and if together you can’t afford it, then wait a few weeks. You won’t die and it won’t take long to persuade him once the waiting starts. ---
**Author:** ![not\_alice](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_alice/32/7283_2.png) [@not\_alice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_alice)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2009, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329/160 "2009-04-21T05:15:37Z")
> [@MissIntent](#): > > And finally, a last minute thought. I’m pro choice but at this point in my life, if I get pregnant, I’m keeping it. He knows this. This may seem foolish given both of our poor financial circumstances, however my parents are in the area, decently off and would love and support another grandchild (I am reminded of this weekly). I also just got an accounting degree and if I got pregnant now, by the time I gave birth I would be within a semester of a masters in accounting. That’s no guarantee for wealth, but I would have opportunities. It would be far from ideal, but getting pregnant now would not be a horrible thing. Have you told him this in these exact words? If you do, I predict you come home to a shitpile of condoms or an empty place very soon! If you told me this when I was that age, I would put you on a very short leash. Women for whom “getting pregnant would not be a horrible thing” get pregnant in my experience when they are in charge of birth control. Give him a fair chance to walk if he is not prepared to be a father. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-convince-my-boyfriend-to-split-birth-control-costs/493329.md?page=9)