# Help me create fake officer titles **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 16, 2009, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-create-fake-officer-titles/493290 "2009-04-16T15:13:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-create-fake-officer-titles/493290/1 "2009-04-16T15:13:43Z")
Some of you may remember that in my real life I’m an NCAA and youth sports official. There’s a local dive where we umpires hang out to have a beer or two, and enjoy the best wings (IMO) in the Atlanta area called Clay’s Sports Cafe. So, just for fun, I created a group on Facebook called appropriately enough: Clay’s Sports Cafe (come join if you’re interested). Today I was looking at the group, and realized I could name officers. This gave me a great idea to assign various officers with wacky and zany titles. (hey, now’s the time for you to imagine me winking, making a gun with my thumb and pointer finger, and then making that clicking noise w the side of my tongue). So, help me come up with some titles for my officers. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-create-fake-officer-titles/493290/2 "2009-04-16T16:04:30Z")
General Secretary (the boss) Officer in charge of crumpets (handles snack foods) Chairperson/man/woman (as appropriate) (handles furniture at group gatherings) Presiding officer (keeps the rowdies in line at group gatherings; also the bouncer) Executive officer (executes the plans of others: gofer) ---
**Author:** ![CutterJohn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/91b2a8/32.png) [@CutterJohn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CutterJohn)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-create-fake-officer-titles/493290/3 "2009-04-16T16:15:32Z")
Head Peon 3rd Lieutenant Vice Deputy Assistant Undersecretary of . ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-create-fake-officer-titles/493290/4 "2009-04-16T16:23:03Z")
Duke of Dumb Calls Viceroy of Ham Sandwiches Mayor of Turd Town Prime Minister of Internet Porn Dean of Officiating with One’s Eyes Closed ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-create-fake-officer-titles/493290/5 "2009-04-16T17:42:12Z")
Surely I can’t be the only one who initially wondered what fake officer titties were. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-create-fake-officer-titles/493290/6 "2009-04-16T17:45:57Z")
In college, the dance team I was on had to submit some paperwork to the school (for funding, I think), and the paperwork required the signatures and titles of two student officers. Since we didn’t have any student officers, we just made up titles. I think we ended up with “Grand Poobah” and “Lord Protector”. “Solicitrix General” and “Czar” were in the running, too. ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-create-fake-officer-titles/493290/7 "2009-04-16T17:47:38Z")
For years I had “Vice President in charge of Menial Tasks” on my resume for one of my jobs. [Muammar](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muammar_al-Gaddafi) always had some good titles. ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-create-fake-officer-titles/493290/8 "2009-04-16T17:56:16Z")
Uber-Dude Minister of non-specific Affairs Colonel of Corn ---
**Author:** ![Algorithm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/algorithm/32/12204_2.png) [@Algorithm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Algorithm)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-create-fake-officer-titles/493290/9 "2009-04-16T18:10:13Z")
Work “Comptroller” in there somehow. ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-create-fake-officer-titles/493290/10 "2009-04-16T18:14:18Z")
Nice list so far. I have now incorporated several of these. ---
**Author:** ![Hampshire](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hampshire/32/4887_2.png) [@Hampshire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hampshire)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-create-fake-officer-titles/493290/11 "2009-04-16T18:58:07Z")
General Ledger Commodore Sixtyfour Private Parts Corporal Punishment Major Asshole Commander Tositandstay Judge Mental Chief Bastard ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-create-fake-officer-titles/493290/12 "2009-04-16T19:56:03Z")
You probably can’t include it on FaceBook but my current favorite is the one I heard about Rahm Emmanuel, the former Congressman and now Obama’s Chief of Staff. He is known for his use of profanity and his blunt, confrontational style. His two brothers are also known similarly - the older one is a physician and the younger one is a Hollywood Superagent, the basis for Jeremy Piven’s character on Entourage. Anyway, so his brothers gave Rahm a little Title Plate for his office - it apparently sits behind his desk on the credenza for all to see. It says: Assistant Secretary of Go Fuck Yourself I still laugh whenever I think about it… ---
**Author:** ![Wargamer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/df705f/32.png) [@Wargamer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wargamer)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-create-fake-officer-titles/493290/13 "2009-04-16T20:39:14Z")
Lord Warden of the Northern Marshes, Defender of the Downtrodden, Keeper of the Eternal Sacred Flame, Guardian of the Poor, Esq. ---
**Author:** ![Nametag](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nametag/32/406_2.png) [@Nametag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nametag)\ **Post date:** [April 16, 2009, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-create-fake-officer-titles/493290/14 "2009-04-16T23:51:10Z")
Do you have a Minister of Propaganda yet? ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-create-fake-officer-titles/493290/15 "2009-04-17T02:20:36Z")
Minister of Meaningless Titles Chief Shovel-leaner Under-secretary of Self-Esteem Issues Bow-exactly-two-inches-when-you-call-me-Master-Control-Freak Lost Warden of GPS ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-create-fake-officer-titles/493290/16 "2009-04-17T02:36:09Z")
First Tiger ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 3:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-create-fake-officer-titles/493290/17 "2009-04-17T03:04:16Z")
**HMFWIC** \* \*Head Mother Fucker What’s In Charge ---
**Author:** ![Sunrazor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sunrazor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunrazor)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-create-fake-officer-titles/493290/18 "2009-04-17T03:19:09Z")
If y’all are sports officials, or at least sports fans, maybe you should use sports-oriented officer titties … er, I mean, titles. Head Whistleblower Assistant Whistleblower Offensive Whistleblower Coordinating Whistleblower First Chaingangster Second Chaingangster And like all clubs, of course, you’ll need “ranks” within the ranks: Flagthrower First Class Flagthrower Second Class Flagthrower Third Class Flagthrower Wannabe Dude Who Wandered Onto the Field ---
**Author:** ![Uncle\_Brother\_Walker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f08c70/32.png) [@Uncle\_Brother\_Walker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncle_Brother_Walker)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2009, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-create-fake-officer-titles/493290/19 "2009-04-17T06:17:18Z")
In 2002, a friend of mine joined her company softball team. This was a government job team. The team’s name was “The Department of Home Plate Security”. Her husband, who played catcher, is a former Navy Seal. They ended up winning the Championship that season. BZ! Titles: Chief of The Dept. of Homeplate Security? Gatekeeper Gozer? Seal Blower? …or more ironically, “the Pirates?” 🆒