# Help me De-Franciphy America **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 11, 2003, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635 "2003-03-11T19:18:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/1 "2003-03-11T19:18:14Z")
For those not familiar, Congress has finally fixed the number one social problem in America today. The names of [French Fries and French Toast have been changed](http://www.cnn.com/2003/ALLPOLITICS/03/11/sprj.irq.fries/index.html) in order to preserve our sacred liberte’, egalite’, and fraternite’. I know I’m sleeping better already, and it’s not even bedtime yet. So to do my patriotic duty, I’m taking a list of further names that we need to get rid of in order to send those Frogs back to hell where they belong. (I’m so tired of having to live my life under the thumb of French nominal domination!) Please help me out by supplying your suggestions as well: Food Dijon Mustard = Twin Tower Yellowsauce Grey Poupon = Gay Mayonnaise Chardonnay = Grape Beer Burgundy = Mt. Rushmore Red The names of the following places must also be changed if we’re ever to be free: New Orleans should be Mighty Mississipp’ City Louisiana= Reaganiana Baton Rouge= Huey Longport St. Louis= Branson Missouri Too Louisville, Kentucky= New Ho Chi Minh City The Grande Tetons are now the Big Titties Nat’l Park Smaller places with French names (e.g. Bon Secour and Bayou La Batre, AL) will be auctioned off to corporations for renaming, so expect WalMartville and Netflix City to be in the landscape in your near future. Please to add, sils vous plez. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/2 "2003-03-11T19:27:53Z")
Menage Au Trois = Party Boink ---
**Author:** ![Trion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ccd318/32.png) [@Trion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trion)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/3 "2003-03-11T19:31:09Z")
Dagnabit! I was just getting used to “Liberty Cabbage”. OK. French Stewart is now renamed Doug. Not “Doug Stewart” - just Doug. ---
**Author:** ![Interrobang](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/interrobang/32/17463_2.png) [@Interrobang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Interrobang)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/4 "2003-03-11T19:34:56Z")
french kiss = while “freedom kiss” is tempting, I say let’s reward our British allies and go with “snog” (I have to add: if I go to a restaurant and find that they’re now serving “freedom fries,” I’ll leave immediately after rolling my eyes pointedly at the management.) ---
**Author:** ![dbygawdcapn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dbygawdcapn/32/3995_2.png) [@dbygawdcapn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dbygawdcapn)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/5 "2003-03-11T19:48:54Z")
french tickler = Warren Zevon’s “Excitable Toy” ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/6 "2003-03-11T19:51:23Z")
Well, I can only do the regular kind of braid in Michaels’s hair, but should I venture into a hairdresser’s with her for a new 'do, I think I’ll request a “Gordian Knot”, rather than a French braid. And my wife’s manicure will henceforth be known as a “WhiteClaws.” ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/7 "2003-03-11T19:53:52Z")
I meant Michaela’s; not Michaels’s ---
**Author:** ![Achernar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e274bd/32.png) [@Achernar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Achernar)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/8 "2003-03-11T19:59:32Z")
A rendezvous will now be known as a “liberty meet-up”. ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/9 "2003-03-11T20:03:31Z")
A maitre d’ will now be called an “uppity busboy.” ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/10 "2003-03-11T20:05:43Z")
Francois = Jimmy Joe Bob Paris, Texas = London, Texas ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/11 "2003-03-11T20:21:22Z")
French bread shall now be referred to as “Jumbo Bread.” In addition, the turkey is now called the gobblebird. ---
**Author:** ![Legomancer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/779978/32.png) [@Legomancer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Legomancer)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/12 "2003-03-11T20:38:24Z")
‘Family Affair’ will feature Buffy, Jody, Cissy, and Mr. Freedom. ---
**Author:** ![RadioWave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/91b2a8/32.png) [@RadioWave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RadioWave)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/13 "2003-03-11T20:38:39Z")
San Francisco shall henceforth be known as San Ralphcisco. When spotting someone’s underwear, children will now be required to say “I see London, I see Gdansk. I see Kimmy’s underpants.” French salad dressing will continue to be called inedible. ---
**Author:** ![Mojo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Mojo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mojo)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/14 "2003-03-11T20:44:47Z")
resume = a jobber. cliche = a done-heard-it. chauffeur = fruity driver And French Stewart better change his name soon… ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/15 "2003-03-11T21:08:23Z")
So Larry Bird’s from Freedom Lick now? ---
**Author:** ![Mojo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Mojo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mojo)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/16 "2003-03-11T21:18:30Z")
D’oh! Didn’t see your French Stewart comment, Trion. All French cheeses (Brie, Camembert, et. al.) will be renamed “stinky american”. And a croissant will be a “croissandwich with nothing”. If that doesn’t rile 'em, nothing will. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/17 "2003-03-11T21:51:16Z")
One good thing is that we get to rename hors d’oeuvre - never could spell it and reading it was nearly as bad. Microsoft Word’s Thesaurus suggests “nibble” ---
**Author:** ![The\_Calculus\_of\_Logic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/aeb1de/32.png) [@The\_Calculus\_of\_Logic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Calculus_of_Logic)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/18 "2003-03-11T22:15:02Z")
croissants = bumpy doughnuts ---
**Author:** ![Aguecheek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a9adbd/32.png) [@Aguecheek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aguecheek)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/19 "2003-03-11T22:15:43Z")
From a co-worker: entrepreneur = business major laissez-faire = hey, whatever je ne sais quoi = say WHAT? Statue of Liberty to be outfitted in white sneakers, university sweatshirt, and baseball cap Mine own: The Marquis de Lafayette shall henceforth be referred to in all history texts as Dan’l Stoutheart, the courageous backwoods hunter who mysteriously showed up out of nowhere to lead his fellow Americans to several victories against the tyrannical British (who bear no relation whatsoever to the gallant freedom-loving Britons of today). ---
**Author:** ![LolaCocaCola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7cd45c/32.png) [@LolaCocaCola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LolaCocaCola)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/20 "2003-03-11T22:19:20Z")
French Poodles shall now be called Curly-Haired Surrender Canines. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635.md?page=2)