# Help me De-Franciphy America **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 11, 2003, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635 "2003-03-11T19:18:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Interrobang](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/interrobang/32/17463_2.png) [@Interrobang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Interrobang)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/21 "2003-03-11T22:47:39Z")
The auteur theory will now be known as “a film theory by Andrew Sarris.” Your subscription to _Les cahiers du cinéma_ will be replaced with a subscription to _Premiere_, but the magazine will now be known as _Opening Weekend_. In her movies’ American distribution, Catherine Deneuve will be digitally replaced with Grace Kelly. We will now recognize France as a protectorate of Monaco, rather than vice versa, and lobby the UN for recognition of Prince Rainier as the rightful French head of state. ---
**Author:** ![Jpeg\_Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/4bbf92/32.png) [@Jpeg\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jpeg_Jones)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/22 "2003-03-11T22:58:35Z")
Mayonnaise = Ghetto Relish Avant Garde = Artsy Fartsy Gruyere = Holy Christ Almighty, That is Some Stinky Cheese! ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/23 "2003-03-11T23:15:39Z")
The European nation formally known as “France” shall now be known as “Freedom.” ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/24 "2003-03-11T23:19:31Z")
Eeep. Make that “formerly.” I’m such an idiot. Wait, that’s French…I’m such a poopyhead. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/25 "2003-03-11T23:19:50Z")
And in an ironic reversal, California winemakers will now be able to sell “Champagne” instead of just “sparkling wine.” Doubleplus good! ---
**Author:** ![Dryga\_Yes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/838e76/32.png) [@Dryga\_Yes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dryga_Yes)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/26 "2003-03-11T23:20:42Z")
That’s not a garage you put your car in, it’s a LET’S _ROLL!_ CAR HOUSE. Also, you’ll no longer be going to picnics. You go to NINE ELEVEN NEVER FORGET EATING OUTSIDE EVENTS. ---
**Author:** ![Kallessa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7993a0/32.png) [@Kallessa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kallessa)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/27 "2003-03-11T23:22:15Z")
The movie **The French Connection** shall henceforth be named **The Freedom Connection** (not very original, but on point, so give me something). ---
**Author:** ![ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chockfullofheadygoodness/32/511_2.png) [@ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChockFullOfHeadyGoodness)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/28 "2003-03-11T23:39:11Z")
First of all… **RENAME THIS FORUM!!!** Mods… come on… it is your American duty to purge the SDMB of this unpatriotic “cafe” drivel. From now on, this is Society Salon, no wait, that won’t work either… uh… Freedom Message Board Thingy!!! That being said, let’s overdub _Grease_ to delete all references to Frenchie. Her character is now Frieda, that should match the lip-sync close enough. ---
**Author:** ![Tarantara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a4c791/32.png) [@Tarantara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tarantara)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2003, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/29 "2003-03-11T23:55:22Z")
But I shall miss the language. It always had a certain “I-don’t-know-what” “Panache” can be replaced with “Tude” ---
**Author:** ![jackelope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@jackelope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackelope)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2003, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/30 "2003-03-12T00:14:40Z")
I really think the Parris Island Marine Corps Recruiting Depot should be renamed the “_You’d Be Eating **Wienerschnitzel** If Not For Us, Asshole!_” Marine Corps Recuiting Depot. Just to be on the safe side, you understand. ---
**Author:** ![Lisa-go-Blind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Lisa-go-Blind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lisa-go-Blind)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2003, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/31 "2003-03-12T00:18:50Z")
The band “French Kicks” will now be known as “Blaaah”. (Lisa-go-Blind, laughing maniacally at \*\* Sampiro \*\* from Huey Longport, Reaganiana!) ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2003, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/32 "2003-03-12T00:30:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by RadioWave \* > **San Francisco shall henceforth be known as San Ralphcisco.** Hey, come on, we’re way too big to be auctioned off to a [corporation](http://www.ralphs.com/)! ---
**Author:** ![Katisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bcef8e/32.png) [@Katisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katisha)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2003, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/33 "2003-03-12T00:42:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tarantara \* > \*\*But I shall miss the language. \*\* Well, you know, the English language is something of a hybrid tongue, thanks to the Normans. I suppose, if we _really_ wanted to purge the French influence, we’d have to go back to speaking Old English. I _knew_ those classes I took would come in handy! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Treviathan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/838e76/32.png) [@Treviathan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Treviathan)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2003, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/34 "2003-03-12T00:48:05Z")
One would think that “laissez-faire economics” should be referred to as something as “do it yourself economics,” but in the spirit of fighting terrorism through the spending of our consumer dollars, the phrase will be copyrighted by Nike and referred to as “Just Do It! economics.” _Elle_ magazine can easily be changed to _She_. “Cafe au lait” will be known as “Cafe Olé!” and served with a side of nachos. The Canadian province of Quebec will be henceforth redesignated “Kuh-Beck” on all North American maps. Trois Rivières, Sault Ste. Marie and Montreal will be called, respectively, “Three Rivers,” “Saltville” and “Newer Amsterdam.” Islands such as St. Croix, because of their small size, will simply be blotted out and never spoke of again, on pain of death. “Poutine” will be called “Freedom Fries with Liberty Cheese and Gravy of Salvation.” ---
**Author:** ![Astralbovine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ce7236/32.png) [@Astralbovine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Astralbovine)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2003, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/35 "2003-03-12T00:55:44Z")
Pierre, South Dakota is now “That town in that state, up in Canada or something” Speaking of which, Canada will be known as “TEH FROEZAN WASTLAND!!!11”. Yes, it will be shouted. ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2003, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/36 "2003-03-12T01:42:42Z")
The Cannes Film Festival will now be referred to as “The Golden Tree Movie Screening/Awards Program,” or GTMSAP (pronounced Gittem-sap) for short. ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2003, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/37 "2003-03-12T01:49:40Z")
I’d suggest hiring selected Cajuns to infiltrate France. ---
**Author:** ![Aslan\_of\_Narnia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecd19e/32.png) [@Aslan\_of\_Narnia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aslan_of_Narnia)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2003, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/38 "2003-03-12T02:11:15Z")
Excuse my french will now be “Exucse my speech which sounds of a person of freedom”. Which puts in a whole new implication. ---
**Author:** ![Celyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@Celyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Celyn)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2003, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/39 "2003-03-12T02:21:58Z")
Um, aren’t a few Swiss names creeping in here? Gruyere, for instance. Now you doon’t want to be fighting people with all those nifty clever knives, do you? Not to mention the cuckoo clocks. 🙂 Oh and I think crossants are actually an Arabic sort of invention, dating back to the “Crusades”. Now there is a nice twist. ---
**Author:** ![CuriousCanuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d2c977/32.png) [@CuriousCanuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CuriousCanuck)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2003, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635/40 "2003-03-12T02:47:53Z")
Well the Statue of Liberty will have to be ripped down and destroyed of course (not sure if that is ironic or not…). Then all of Louisiana will have to be ceded to Canada. Sorry that you lose Mardi Gras. Also, you will have to rename every government position from the President on down… all dervied from the same roots as in France… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-de-franciphy-america/160635.md?page=3)