# Help me defeat my cat **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 22, 2025, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-defeat-my-cat/1017369 "2025-04-22T16:53:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2025, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-defeat-my-cat/1017369/21 "2025-04-22T19:29:10Z")
My cats are not _allowed_ to wake me up. 🤔 Well…I was ignorantly successful in never letting them sleep on the bed, with me. I’ve since decided they successfully defeated me. Unbeknownst to me they find my person disgusting and NEVER were they ever gonna be cuddlers(oh, they’re Siamese and bratty) and sleep with me. They just let me believe I trained them. I got them the cocoon type beds. Its the ones that look like little puffy caves. They retire to them. I only hear from them if I disturb them. By laughing aloud, dropping something, changing a channel, hiccupping or even moving around too much. The dogs make a commotion and we get an head poking out of a cocoon bed and one loud Siamese yowl sets all to rights. So…my advice: get a hotel room and leave them at home. Or, better yet, Move. ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2025, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-defeat-my-cat/1017369/22 "2025-04-22T19:39:48Z")
Rascal wakes me up at about 6:30 every morning by jumping up on the bed and pawing at my face. Since I use a CPAP the only part of my face she can touch in my eyes and lips, which makes it even more annoying. Banning him from the bedroom is not an option since the only litter boxes in the house are in the adjoining bathroom. Fortunately, if I push him away firmly enough (just short of throwing him through the doorway) he _usually_ takes the hint and I get an extra half hour or so. I have been known to get out of bed, open a can of cat food for him, and then go back to bed. ---
**Author:** ![Pleonast](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pleonast/32/1183_2.png) [@Pleonast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pleonast)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2025, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-defeat-my-cat/1017369/23 "2025-04-22T19:43:14Z")
> [@thorny\_locust](#): > > Step two, which would have been easier if you’d started doing it the first day she lived with you: do not, repeat do not, ever get up earlier than you would have gotten up anyway. No matter what she’s doing. That is, you can get up to pee if you have to – but if you do have to get out of bed early for some reason, Do Not Feed The Cat; or do anything else more amusing to her than a fast ear-rub. If she persists, hold her firmly, sharp side away from you, and pretend to fall asleep in that position, still pinning her down. You can let her squirm loose, but don’t make it too easy. This is the correct answer. If you feed the cat when it wakes you up in the morning, congratulations–you’ve trained your cat to wake you up in the morning. I feed my cats twice a day. First, after I’ve done my morning toiletries, when I step out of the bathroom I go feed them. They sometimes meow in impatience, but they can’t open the bathroom door. Second, I feed them when I get home from work. It makes them happy to see me when I get home. I am also “predatory” when I get up from bed to pee or whatever. I don’t talk or make reassuring noises. I don’t touch them affectionately, only gentle swats or pushes if they get in the way. Cats aren’t stupid and they can read human behavior quite well. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2025, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-defeat-my-cat/1017369/24 "2025-04-22T20:16:54Z")
> [@Dr.Strangelove](#): > > perform a Dutch Oven ?? Online search is no help at all for this sense. > [@Dr.Drake](#): > > They have a food ball full of kibble that they can bat around for snax I wonder if having a couple of those would solve the bully-cat problem? If nothing else, he’d have trouble monopolizing them both at once. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Strangelove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.strangelove/32/6613_2.png) [@Dr.Strangelove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Strangelove)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2025, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-defeat-my-cat/1017369/25 "2025-04-22T20:21:42Z")
> [@thorny\_locust](#): > > ?? Quoting the Wikipedia article on “flatuence humor”: [![Imgur](https://i.imgur.com/ZnnTay5.png "imgur.com") ](https://imgur.com/ZnnTay5) ---
**Author:** ![StringsandHammers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stringsandhammers/32/17933_2.png) [@StringsandHammers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StringsandHammers)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2025, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-defeat-my-cat/1017369/26 "2025-04-22T23:43:58Z")
Morning Scoreboard: Matilda: 1200 OP: -5 ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2025, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-defeat-my-cat/1017369/27 "2025-04-22T23:48:25Z")
That’s almost a tie. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2025, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-defeat-my-cat/1017369/28 "2025-04-22T23:51:09Z")
> [@thorny\_locust](#): > > If she persists, hold her firmly, sharp side away from you, This is difficult, since as Hobbes pointed out, cats are pointy on five of their six ends. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2025, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-defeat-my-cat/1017369/29 "2025-04-23T00:39:08Z")
Is Matilda spayed? ---
**Author:** ![XOldiesJock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/ec9cab/32.png) [@XOldiesJock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XOldiesJock)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2025, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-defeat-my-cat/1017369/30 "2025-04-23T00:45:53Z")
> [@xtenkfarpl](#): > > _They understand every word you say, you know…_ Today I heard a man talking to his dog. “How ridiculous,” I thought. I went home and told my cats all about it and we laughed and laughed. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2025, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-defeat-my-cat/1017369/31 "2025-04-23T00:55:02Z")
I bitched about my cat the entire 20 years she was alive. I wish she was still here. ---
**Author:** ![P-man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/p-man/32/3606_2.png) [@P-man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/P-man)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2025, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-defeat-my-cat/1017369/32 "2025-04-23T01:01:23Z")
Help you, and make her mad at me? Not unless we’re on different continents. ---
**Author:** ![Love\_Rhombus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/love_rhombus/32/10694_2.png) [@Love\_Rhombus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Love_Rhombus)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2025, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-defeat-my-cat/1017369/33 "2025-04-23T01:08:29Z")
Yes. Adorable little genius monster. ---
**Author:** ![Mish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e47774/32.png) [@Mish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mish)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2025, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-defeat-my-cat/1017369/34 "2025-04-24T06:36:47Z")
Get the cheapest robotic vacuum you could find and just leave it moving across the hall and get a laser pen and move her out of the room this way. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-defeat-my-cat/1017369.md?page=1)