# Help me design the universally offensive MRE menu. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 19, 2009, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973 "2009-03-19T01:52:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973/1 "2009-03-19T01:52:27Z")
For my own, typically me-ish reasons, I’ve recently started trying to design a universally offensive “Meal, Ready to Eat” (MRE) ration—a menu that would contain taboo, forbidden, and/or ritually unpure foods for as many cultures as possible, all in one bag. I’ve been calling it the “Sepoy Special.” Of course, I set a few ground rules to keep the exercise from becoming a farce: 1. No human flesh, or any other ingredients that it would be a major felony to include. 2. Foods chosen must be actual food—no simply including feces in a bag, or inedible garbage. It has to be something that real people actually eat, or ate. 2a.Along the same lines, just dumping a bunch of awful ingredients together in a stew is sort of cheating. 3. No outright poisons, or items or treatments that possess no other function but to defile (i.e., you can’t just have Pentagram-shaped cookies, sardines packed in unholy water, or pages from the Necronomicon instead of toilet paper). Legitimate ingredients that happen to be allergens are OK. According to [this lovely web page](http://www.mreinfo.com/us/mre/mres.html), the typical layout of an MRE bag is along the lines of: > [@](#): > > ``` > * Entree - the main course, such as Spaghetti or Beef Stew > * Side dish - rice, corn, fruit, or mashed potatoes, etc. > * Cracker or Bread > * Spread - peanut butter, jelly, or cheese spread > * Dessert - cookies or pound cakes > * Candy - M&Ms, Skittles, or Tootsie Rolls > * Beverages - Gatorade-like drink mixes, cocoa, dairy shakes, coffee, tea > * Hot sauce or seasoning - in some MREs > * Flameless Ration Heater - to heat up the entree > * Accessories - spoon, matches, creamer, sugar, salt, chewing gum, toilet paper, etc. > > ``` Anyone want to take a crack? ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973/2 "2009-03-19T02:00:39Z")
If the entree is a meatloaf made of pork and beef, you’re pretty much covered. Add some communion wafers on the side and you can piss off Catholics, too. ---
**Author:** ![ultrafilter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/3d9bf3/32.png) [@ultrafilter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultrafilter)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973/3 "2009-03-19T02:02:41Z")
Throw in some haggis for dessert and a shot of grappa for a chaser. Even though those items aren’t taboo to anyone, not many people will eat them. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973/4 "2009-03-19T02:12:39Z")
I seem to remember that lion and owl meat are both not kosher. Add those to the meatloaf, and you can piss off the World Wildlife Fund as well. 😃 For the spread on the wafers, use that Italian cheese that has maggots in it. Dessert: a Twinkie. This will annoy the natural-foods contingent, and will outlast the rest of the meal. And probably civilization, as well. ---
**Author:** ![Rhythmdvl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85f322/32.png) [@Rhythmdvl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhythmdvl)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973/5 "2009-03-19T02:20:32Z")
Since meatloaf sounds like way to go, don’t forget to add a small assortment of domestic animal meats (both mammalian and avian) and a sampling of endangered species. ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973/6 "2009-03-19T02:23:34Z")
My Desert Storm Special (not so much religiously offensive, but offensive nonetheless) - Entree - Whale meat with brussels sprouts - Side dish - Darian fruit (ripe and stinky) - Cracker or Bread - wonderbread slice - Spread - cheap pate spread - Dessert - butterscotch ice-cream (unfrozen) - Candy - circus peanuts - Beverages - milk (uncooled) - Hot sauce or seasoning - death hot chilli paste - Flameless Ration Heater - nuke-powered - Accessories - spork ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973/7 "2009-03-19T02:28:42Z")
Meatloaf time! Meatloaf time! Offend all your comrades with one bite! Meatloaf time! A hint of lime! Do all your shopping — AT WAL\*MART! The most unwanted MRE ---
**Author:** ![Q.E.D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/51bf81/32.png) [@Q.E.D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.E.D)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973/8 "2009-03-19T02:30:02Z")
And of course, a slice of Christmas fruitcake for dessert. ---
**Author:** ![wunderkammer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ed8c4c/32.png) [@wunderkammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wunderkammer)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973/9 "2009-03-19T02:33:12Z")
Cracker or spread: Foie gras flavored spread (mostly mystery meat, may contain up to 10% cruelty to animals). Candy: Ribbon candy, spice flavored, stuck together in a big lump. Accessories: Wooden ice cream paddle. ---
**Author:** ![History\_Geek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b19c9b/32.png) [@History\_Geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/History_Geek)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973/10 "2009-03-19T02:41:04Z")
> [@Q.E.D](#): > > And of course, a slice of Christmas fruitcake for dessert. I remember tearing into some MREs my dad gave me once - some of them had fruitcake in them. I can only suppose that the fruitcake was meant as a tool for opening canned items or as an emergency E&E weapon for downed airmen. You certainly couldn’t eat it. ---
**Author:** ![Stealth\_Potato](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Stealth\_Potato](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stealth_Potato)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973/11 "2009-03-19T02:44:24Z")
> [@Ludovic](#): > > Meatloaf time! Meatloaf time! > Offend all your comrades with one bite! > Meatloaf time! A hint of lime! Do all your shopping — AT WAL\*MART! > > The most unwanted MRE Oh great. Now I can’t get that song out of my head. Thank you ever so much. 😛 As for the fruitcake, that’s a moot point; I’m pretty sure it’s physically impossible to actually _slice_ it. ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973/12 "2009-03-19T02:53:06Z")
The “Hands across the world” Special - Entree - Pork trotters in black bean sauce - Side dish - Seafood cocktail with thousand island dressing - Cracker or Bread - “Cracker Ass” brand crackers (does that violate rule 3?) - Spread - pate (gonna have to go with the pate again - “stuffed duck” brand) - Dessert - Great Wall of Chocolate - Candy - marzipan nut bar - Beverages - vodka - Hot sauce or seasoning - nampura - Flameless Ration Heater - kerosine-fueled burner - Accessories - chopsticks ---
**Author:** ![Ephemera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8baadc/32.png) [@Ephemera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ephemera)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973/13 "2009-03-19T03:16:11Z")
- Entree - Whale sashimi - Side - Tiet canh (Vietnamese blood pudding) - Bread - Communion wafers - Spread - casu marzu (maggot cheese) - Dessert - Bashasi ice cream (horse flavored) - Candy - Bertie Bott’s Beans (including booger and soap flavored jelly beans) - Beverage - Kopi Luwak coffee (made from beans civets have eaten and shat out) and yak butter tea. - Hot sauce or seasoning - Capsaicin extract - Condiments - Marmite (yeast) and fermented bean paste ---
**Author:** ![ExTank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/35a633/32.png) [@ExTank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ExTank)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973/14 "2009-03-19T03:33:48Z")
> [@ultrafilter](#): > > Throw in some haggis for dessert and a shot of grappa for a chaser. Even though those items aren’t taboo to anyone, not many people will eat them. _:Raises Hand:_ I’ll trade you my Chicken a’la King for it. ETA: > [@Ludovic](#): > > Meatloaf time! Meatloaf time! > Offend all your comrades with one bite! > Meatloaf time! A hint of lime! Do all your shopping — AT WAL\*MART! > > The most unwanted MRE You’ve obviously never had MRE Chicken a’la King. ---
**Author:** ![FlyingRat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/59ef9b/32.png) [@FlyingRat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyingRat)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973/15 "2009-03-19T06:21:15Z")
I think Aesiron’s is hard to top for sheer offensiveness + grossitude. Maybe toss in some balut for a snack, and/or some _paadaek_ (Lao rotten fish condiment), and you’ve got it made. ---
**Author:** ![Isamu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/7c8e57/32.png) [@Isamu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isamu)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 7:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973/16 "2009-03-19T07:01:01Z")
Candy - black (only) jelly babies. ---
**Author:** ![CutterJohn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/91b2a8/32.png) [@CutterJohn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CutterJohn)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 7:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973/17 "2009-03-19T07:43:27Z")
be sure to add [Natto](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natto) in there somewhere. ---
**Author:** ![Grumman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/43a26b/32.png) [@Grumman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grumman)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 9:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973/18 "2009-03-19T09:43:51Z")
> [@Stealth\_Potato](#): > > As for the fruitcake, that’s a moot point; I’m pretty sure it’s physically impossible to actually _slice_ it. I’m sure that if anyone could manage this feat, it would be the guys with a 65+ ton food processor. ---
**Author:** ![Half\_Man\_Half\_Wit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/half_man_half_wit/32/21766_2.png) [@Half\_Man\_Half\_Wit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Half_Man_Half_Wit)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 10:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973/19 "2009-03-19T10:14:57Z")
For beverages, you could go with alcohol-free wine. It’s still _haram_ (I think), due to having some alcohol left, and it’s also offensive to just about anybody who would regularly drink wine. Have it come in a carton for the extra offence to any wine snob. Also, ketchup as the sole condiment. Gotta have something to alienate the food snobs! ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2009, 11:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973/20 "2009-03-19T11:00:26Z")
I seem to recall some northern culture ate fertile bird eggs that had been buried until the bird fetus died and was cooked by it’s own decomposition. That’s pretty yucky to a lot of people. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-design-the-universally-offensive-mre-menu/489973.md?page=2)