# help me - I need to insult someone **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 26, 2001, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214 "2001-08-26T19:02:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![beckwall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b487fb/32.png) [@beckwall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beckwall)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2001, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214/1 "2001-08-26T19:02:13Z")
He pissed me off, and now he’s gonna get it. The only problem is, I don’t quite know what to say yet. So I ask for your assistance - nothing too threatening, something very original and witty, and BTW the target is from the UK, so maybe something of a provincial nature that he is sure to understand. The usual “wanker” and “scouser” have been used too many times. I hesitate to bring up his bad habits (drinking/tarting to excess) but will do so if I can’t think of anything else. Our relationship is basically the equivalent of a verbal chess match anyway, the problem is that I need a really sharp smackdown this time. You are the smartest people on earth - come together and help a fellow Doper, won’t you? ---
**Author:** ![Nicklz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/8baadc/32.png) [@Nicklz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nicklz)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2001, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214/2 "2001-08-26T19:15:29Z")
Whenever I really want to insult/hurt someone, I’ve always shot for their insecurities. ---
**Author:** ![Piell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/34f0e0/32.png) [@Piell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Piell)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2001, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214/3 "2001-08-26T20:09:26Z")
"All too often your predecessors in this area, whose tradition you uphold so well, proved to be nothing more than axe-grinding political reactionary inbred unthinking illogical cereberally-challenged knee-biter two-bit flame-throwing fight-starting loud-mouthed dippy know-nothing lunatic impotent Tiberius moronic dumb loser no-date sheet-for-brains cowardly crass tin-plated-dictator-with-delusions-of-manhood flaccid fatheaded needle-nosed wimpy pimply facile Canadian bigoted mean small-minded dull cheap-shot-taking impolite pinheaded idiotic boring asinine oxygen-wasting loony screwball braindead feeble sophmoric simplistic egocentric never-kissed-a-girl drooling clueless stuffed-shirt weiner-brained dittohead armpit-scratching knuckle-dragging incapable-of-realizing-no-one-gives-two-yanks-of-a-pig’s-teet-what-their-politics-are black-helicopter-fearing Bircher obnoxious bad-beer-drinking hypocritical hair-triggered unread pesty churlish stupid self-righteous lame childish unlistening rude unquestioning Good-Times-Virus-contributing nightmarishly-ill-informed pablum-puking cretinous obstinate intellectuallly-bankrupt unsound childish doltish mouth-breathing hydrocephalic pontificating shrill easily-offended knock-kneed Gawd-help-us dotty puerile juvenile criminally-ignorant sorry-assed monstrous priggish maggot-brained pissant foul-smelling cranky fricked-up weasel-word-talking moronic poop-for-brains danglesocket wannabe know-nothing painful-rectal-itch-of-a-person snot-sucking gaping-wound-where-the-brain-should-be trying annoying sickly childish piggy excrement-spewing hate-filled trash-talking ill-conceived personality-transplant-needing pinheaded urinal-breath incognizant lame-ass breathable-air-wasting meat-by-product horse-faced decaf-drinking thumb-sucking no-date shivelled-spirit loser hose-bag bitch-talking crybaby craven no-sense-of-humor no-sense unworthy laborious bet-you-think-I-can’t-keep-this-up-bet-I-can facile reprobate ungraceful slackbladder clue-repellent just-plain-repellent momma’s-boy wailing sniggeringly-inept uncreative immature lackluster beneath-contempt mild-geek-by-day-but-freaking-offal-eating- geek-by-night wormy crass no-excuse unclear-on-the-concept attention-craving net-loon drive-by-shooting-candidate freakish stupid lying snivelling no-class lower-than-dirt illiterate unprofessional inadequate laughable inept uncultured repugnant prig goober earwig flaccid zero-friends did-you-ever-finish- that-degree-or-are-your-pompous-posts-your-way-of-trying-to-deal-with-your-failures-as-a-real-human grunting nakedly-juvenile-to-the-core embarrassing masochistic goose-egg-IQ hellspawn inarticulate flailing funkless dolt creepy monstrous socially-clumsy dog-kibble noxious atrophied-neuron irredeemable posting-recklessly-while-under-the-delusion-you-can-actually-think truculent mycogenous goony spittle-spraying one-track-minded nebbish hopelessly-outclassed pofaced amoral toadlike craptrap buttinski loopy spoiled-brat idiotic you-should-eat-more-because-it’s-obvious-your-body-is-scavenging-your-grey-matter-for-nourishment boorish whiny unsound capable-of-sucking-ambient-humor-from-the-very-air atrocious imbecilic impotent malodorous dismissable boring incapable callous mean-spirited snippy piece-of-dung evil nerdy almost-not-worth-this-but-I-gotta-say-you’re-a-fun-target pre-pubescent cheesy monosyllabic safe-and-effective-diuretic rank-smelling fetid ditchwater peculiar noxious thick-skulled troglodyte wheedling monkey-boy pukestain inbred flirting-with-intelligence-but- getting-the-cold-shoulder-in-return distressing Air-Supply-listening scrotum-sniffing illkempt weedy figment-of-Satan’s-imagination bottom-feeding cromagnon pasty-faced Don-of-the-Moron-Mafia colostomy-brain pathetic nipple-biting noisome irrelevant be-sure-to-say-“when” deportee-from-the-Land-of-Good-Taste bile-inducing ridiculous feverish fricking total waste of time malignant feeble nauseating dribbly blisteringly-dull brane-challenged etiquette-impaired mouth-breathing intellectual-pea lard-butt unremarkable dozen-word-vocabulary amateurish King-of-Denial weinerbrain useless trivial sleep-inducing nightmarish disagreeable snotty prize-winning-jerk limp illogical uncouth piddling blue-ribbon-scumbag negligible insulting unreasonable pablum-licking strange little puke. Go home. " I got that from Euty. ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2001, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214/4 "2001-08-26T22:24:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Piell \* > I got that from Euty. You must have REALLY pissed off Euty! ---
**Author:** ![flup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d07c76/32.png) [@flup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flup)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2001, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214/5 "2001-08-26T22:38:35Z")
I have found that, as a male, it is a real conversation stopper to just tell someone to “lick my twat” when they are annoying me. If you want profane, go for the old “goddamn fucking bastard son of a bitch-cunt ass-nugget”. Or if you prefer, the censored version, “Goshdarn freaking illegitimate offspring of an unpleasant naughty-bits morsel” if i were you, however, i would ignore my advice altogether. ---
**Author:** ![drewbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drewbert/32/15890_2.png) [@drewbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewbert)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2001, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214/6 "2001-08-26T23:40:45Z")
I’ll have you know I am NOT Canadian. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![TheLoadedDog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/35a633/32.png) [@TheLoadedDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheLoadedDog)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2001, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214/7 "2001-08-26T23:44:48Z")
Hmmm… UK target you say? Those guys are much more hurt by expressions of contempt than by anger. Just call him “you poor fool”, or " you sad, sad little person". ---
**Author:** ![sdarr2002](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@sdarr2002](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sdarr2002)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2001, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214/8 "2001-08-27T00:34:03Z")
the brain always calls people divot, or if he is real upset, flaming divot. iwas never quite sure what he means by this, but it seems to work. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2001, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214/9 "2001-08-27T03:36:10Z")
A divot’s like a sod, only smaller. ---
**Author:** ![Arken](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@Arken](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arken)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2001, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214/10 "2001-08-27T05:53:54Z")
There was this girl who went to my high school who was often known as ‘cum-belching road whore.’ It’s an insult that has not seen enough use, IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2001, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214/11 "2001-08-27T06:19:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by TheLoadedDog \* > \*\*Hmmm… UK target you say? Those guys are much more hurt by expressions of contempt than by anger. > > Just call him “you poor fool”, or " you sad, sad little person". \*\* Or just tell him that he’s useless at cricket. ---
**Author:** ![Chance\_the\_Gardener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@Chance\_the\_Gardener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chance_the_Gardener)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2001, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214/12 "2001-08-27T15:00:04Z")
The best insults are ones that are tuned to a particular situation. Generic insults are, by their very nature, lightweight. However, maybe this will help. “Waste of good protein” is a favorite, and it feels good to say it when I feel it really applies. “Your mother must be proud” is lovely, too. This is a good one to use when someone expresses a loathesome opinion or brags about something shameful, like getting a girl drunk and forcing himself on her. (This one won’t work unless the person expresses some strong scruples in some situations.) “Please don’t breed”. What more needs to be said? ---
**Author:** ![Kilt-wearin\_man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/82dd89/32.png) [@Kilt-wearin\_man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kilt-wearin_man)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2001, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214/13 "2001-08-27T17:58:37Z")
If the target is male, it’s particularly effective to look at him with contempt and declare…“bitch.” Now you’ve insulted him and attacked his masculinity. Never had it used against me, but I’ve seen it used to fine result. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2001, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214/14 "2001-08-27T18:05:29Z")
Well I always go for the classic ‘Oh yeah!’ The sublime way this insult calls forth how childish the entire argument is and how in turn the other person is delicious. Or just tell him his breath stinks of man jam. ---
**Author:** ![Lucifer12](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b38774/32.png) [@Lucifer12](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucifer12)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2001, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214/15 "2001-08-27T18:14:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by beckwall \* > \*\*He pissed me off, and now he’s gonna get it. The only problem is, I don’t quite know what to say yet. So I ask for your assistance - nothing too threatening, something very original and witty, and BTW the target is from the UK, > so maybe something of a provincial nature that he is sure to understand. The usual “wanker” and “scouser” have been used too many times. I hesitate to bring up his bad habits > (drinking/tarting to excess) but will do so if I can’t think > of anything else. Our relationship is basically the equivalent of a verbal chess match anyway, the problem is that I need a really sharp smackdown this time. You are the smartest people on earth - come together and help a fellow Doper, won’t you? \*\* Listen, my friend, you want the verbal equivalent of a pistol-whipping, you’ve come to the right place. The problem is, I don’t know enough of the situation. Is he English? Scottish? What? And what about you-English? What of your classes-upper, middle, etc? What did he do to piss you off? Ah well, never mind. If you aren’t English yourself, you could use ‘Limey’, as in, ‘You inbred, Limey parasite!’ Of course, if you’re English too, that probably wouldn’t work so well. With the limited info I have, I would recommend going for the crotch. Call him a cheap gin-slut, a syphilitic alkie, a pathetic whoring low-life. Better yet, if he makes some smart remark to you, smirk and tell him to ‘go have another drink, you rummy’, or mime someone chugging a bottle. If possible, it’s best to just laugh him off. Nothing jabs like someone who won’t take you seriously. Casually mouth off an appropriate insult, then be amused by his reaction, no matter what devastating comebacks he can think of. That’s hard to do, but if you can do it, it’s a real pisser! Evil-it’s what I do! ---
**Author:** ![nonsequitur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3ab097/32.png) [@nonsequitur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nonsequitur)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2001, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214/16 "2001-08-27T18:43:11Z")
I have to disagree with the swearing, it isn’t really personal enough to remember later. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Nicklz \* > \*\*Whenever I really want to insult/hurt someone, I’ve always shot for their insecurities. \*\* Examples from the grand master of insults (my mom-in law): When her chubby daughter dresses up to go out “That dress makes you look even bigger.” or “You look like a whore (Or clown).” When I was showing off my engagement ring, she was actually holding my hand when she said, “I bet you’re glad you’re not an old maid anymore.” To a friend who was clearly uncomfortable about a new short haircut, (She was sitting next to her sister who had long hair) “You two make a cute couple.” To everyone at a celebration for the birth of my son, “I thought they were going to be awful parents, but I’m glad to see that they’re better than I thought they’d be.” This one from The Onion, I think is the best tact. [http://www.theonion.com/onion3728/accurately\_insulted.html](http://www.theonion.com/onion3728/accurately_insulted.html) ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2001, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214/17 "2001-08-27T18:46:22Z")
Is this an in-person or E-mail insult? For the former, I find it effective to glare haughtily at someone through my lorgnette (a monocle will work for men) and snap, “YOU, sir, are an impertinent jackanapes!” ---
**Author:** ![caircair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/91b2a8/32.png) [@caircair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/caircair)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2001, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214/18 "2001-08-27T18:50:46Z")
Best all-purpose insult I’ve ever heard: “I hope your mother runs out from under the porch and bites you!” ---
**Author:** ![Billy\_Rubin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/billy_rubin/32/3622_2.png) [@Billy\_Rubin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billy_Rubin)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2001, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214/19 "2001-08-27T20:33:51Z")
To a grown man who had reached the pinnacle of his success, working in a second rate chain auto parts store, who irritated me by not even TRYING to find the correct length fan belt I needed, because it was for a tractor and not for a car: “Your parents must be proud” b. ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [August 27, 2001, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214/20 "2001-08-27T21:12:24Z")
Insult from a female to a male, Is that a cocktail weenie in your pocket or do you just have a tiny dick ? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-i-need-to-insult-someone/78214.md?page=2)