# Help me invent some fictional airport signs **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 22, 2006, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217 "2006-12-22T14:19:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2006, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217/1 "2006-12-22T14:19:48Z")
There was a story (and a couple of threads) recently about a female air traveller who put her baby through the x-ray machine at the security gate; based on this, I created [this](http://www.gurman.co.uk/stuff/signs.png) airport sign… I have an idea for an audiovisual project that will require a few more of these kind of signs, and I thought the witty dopers here might like to help me dream them up. When it’s complete, I’ll share it here. They need to be: -Absurdist -Expressible as an icon (I may be animating them, so they can incorporate actions) -Expressible verbally in ten words or less -Not necessarily explicit advice or admonition - they can just be information Would anyone like to contribute? ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2006, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217/2 "2006-12-22T14:21:23Z")
Oh. They have to be reasonably child-safe - no swearing or excessively gruesome concepts such as decapitation. ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2006, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217/3 "2006-12-22T15:03:47Z")
_Sign inside plane near windows_ “Keep head and hands inside the vehicle at all times.” (With X-out graphic of head out of window with big smile on face and hair blowing straight across and down the body of the plane stretching towards the turbine intake) (or an arm doing the same thing) Or similarily “Do not attempt to exit moving vehicle.” ## With like graphic of emergency door open and body getting swept out. _Sign near escalator_ “Keep loose clothing/articles off moving stairs” ## With graphic of pants being pulled off the body into the inards of the escalator. _Sign near airport lounge_ “Happy hour for pilots only - from 6am to 9pm. Three for one!” ## With graphic of passenger jet doing an inverted loop while barrell rolling, or an Andy Capp-esque character at the controls, full with bubbles over head and crooked smile. _Sign near gift shop cash register_ “Pre-approvals in fifteen minutes or less!!” Or, “Get your quickie loans here” Graphic of traveler with inverted empty pockets and hands in air with frowny face. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2006, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217/4 "2006-12-22T15:11:27Z")
“This way for a full body-cavity search” “Please tell our baggage handlers about any easily-accessible valuables in your suitcase” “Muslim passengers may pray (and make other passengers very nervous) here” “Please do not feed TSA personnel any donuts with sprinkles” “Your feet stink. Please do NOT remove your shoes here” “Hear selected flight-data recorder excerpts here” “Discard cheap, disappointing paperback novels, bought just for the flight, here” ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2006, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217/5 "2006-12-22T15:24:32Z")
No Bombs Beyond This Point Stand to the right on the escalator or you will be plowed flat by somebody who’s about to miss his flight Cell phone use while at the urinal is strongly discouraged NO jokes about bombs === I would like to say, however, that your “Do not put baby in X-Ray machine” sign is the funniest thing I have seen in a long, long time… ---
**Author:** ![Sean\_Factotum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/50afbb/32.png) [@Sean\_Factotum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sean_Factotum)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2006, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217/6 "2006-12-22T15:37:39Z")
[Laptop Area](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=401202&goto=nextnewest) ---
**Author:** ![Sapo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@Sapo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sapo)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2006, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217/7 "2006-12-22T15:38:45Z")
“Racial profiler at work” “Colicky baby section” A sign for a special line at the security checkpoint for freaks with two laptops “Please refrain from burping your meal during landing” A sign for iPod snobs to listen to the announcement that does pertain to them. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2006, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217/8 "2006-12-22T15:40:33Z")
No Sex in Lavatory; Blowjobs OK ---
**Author:** ![gotpasswords](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c57346/32.png) [@gotpasswords](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gotpasswords)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2006, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217/9 "2006-12-22T19:37:53Z")
Express security check for passengers with 5 weapons or less. ---
**Author:** ![gotpasswords](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c57346/32.png) [@gotpasswords](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gotpasswords)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2006, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217/10 "2006-12-22T19:39:44Z")
Concourse signs: Treadmill 3A Treadmill 5 Treadmill 7 And so on down the hall. ---
**Author:** ![Sapo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@Sapo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sapo)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2006, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217/11 "2006-12-22T19:47:16Z")
an airplane on a treadmill to indicate that the flight has been cancelled. ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2006, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217/12 "2006-12-22T20:17:23Z")
\*\*In the event of an in-fllight emergency large jagged holes will appear randomly throughout the cabin for your convenience. Do not eat contents of air-sickness bag As a courtesy to your fellow passengers please remove unexploded shoe bombs from lavatory after use. Press button to summon flight attendant. Press button to summon Demons. The cushion under your seat may be used as a flotation device. This will allow you to die of hypothermia or shark attack for your convenience. The use of portable electonic devices is strictly prohibitted. Unless you have a laser gun and the plane is experiencing an alien attack.\*\* ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slip\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f475e1/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slip\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slip_1)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2006, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217/13 "2006-12-22T20:42:30Z")
How about “constant inane loud cellphone chattering section” - have a sign with a few people figures on cellphones with loudness lines around them? Or “warning - pinhead TSA agent ahead”. Put in a red triangle, a figure with TSA on its chest, with a head a few sizes too small? ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2006, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217/14 "2006-12-22T21:06:40Z")
Express Lane ---
**Author:** ![Alpine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alpine/32/17813_2.png) [@Alpine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alpine)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2006, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217/15 "2006-12-22T21:33:41Z")
Do not stow babies/pets in the overhead compartment. Do not stow fragile items in the overhead compartment, under the seat in front of you or in your lap. ## Customer service desk is [Closed] to serve you better. When do we get to see some more icons? ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2006, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217/16 "2006-12-22T22:14:05Z")
By the way, when I saw your work in the origianl thread, I laughed my butt off. It took me moment to realize that it was not real. Kudos. ---
**Author:** ![Ignatz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/3be4f8/32.png) [@Ignatz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ignatz)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2006, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217/17 "2006-12-22T23:28:29Z")
“NO BAUMS ALLOWED ON THIS AIRLINE. (WE DON’T DARE PAGE THEM.” (I’ve always wondered about my friends with this name but never wanted to ask them about it.) Addendum to OP X-ray sign: They must go into checked baggage. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2006, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217/18 "2006-12-22T23:34:20Z")
Hmmm… there are some useful ideas here, but I probably should elaborate a bit on the intended style of the project. The soundtrack is going to be Kraftwerk-esque, with an electronic voice reading verse something like this: Restaurant, elevator, departure screen Do not put baby in x-ray machine With various signs flashing up in time with the words. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2006, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217/19 "2006-12-23T00:14:11Z")
No farts allowed beyond this point? > **[This Week's Newsletter – This is True](https://thisistrue.com/currentissue/)** > > Rolling archive showing the most-recent free newsletter issue. > [@](#): > > MAYDAY! WE’RE GOING DOWN! American Airlines Flight 1053, heading from > Reagan National airport in Washington, D.C., toward Dallas/Fort Worth, > Texas, made an emergency landing in Nashville, Tenn., after passengers > reported smelling an unusual odor. The FBI responded and agents > questioned passengers: the odor was traced to a passenger who lit > matches to cover up the stink of her flatulence. She was not allowed to > reboard the plane. “American has banned her for a long time,” an > airport spokeswoman said. The woman was not charged with a crime, even > though it is illegal to strike a match on an airliner. (Nashville > Tennessean) …But remember, kids: being a federal agent isn’t always > as glamorous as this. ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2006, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217/20 "2006-12-23T00:34:16Z")
Do NOT bring any (Oedipal) snakes on this (Oedipal) plane. No live fishing bait in carry-on bags, please. If you are carrying musical instruments, please inform TSA, so they can destroy them BEFORE boarding. If you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding. No fuming, even in self-defense. If an in-flight meal is served, clean your plate before end of flight. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-invent-some-fictional-airport-signs/385217.md?page=2)