# Help me process this distressing experience **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 1, 2016, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862 "2016-04-01T18:40:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/41 "2016-04-02T14:08:36Z")
> [@Napier](#): > > I disagree strongly, unless the OP’s main goal in life is to be some kind of vigilante avenger. This is not a stage debate. This is a physical assault. Moving away from a physically violent assault does not demonstrate that one is a hysterical female type person. > > I think Dude should have been thrown out immediately as a bare minimum. What I’d prefer to see happen is the host calls the cops (and a host should always be up to the task of assuring the safety of their guests). **DaphneBlack** was not alone in a dark alley; she was surrounded by friends and associates. Not to upset **DB** further, conceivably, she put herself in more danger by moving to a place where she was alone. And, look at the Dude’s comment that he didn’t know what **her problem** was, and Dude’s Friend’s reaction, surprised because she “was the first person who ever objected”. They immediately started painting DB as an hysterical female type person **in her presence** after she was assaulted. By the end of the night, she was probably screaming in terror because Dude gave her a hug. ---
**Author:** ![DaphneBlack](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daphneblack/32/5389_2.png) [@DaphneBlack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaphneBlack)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/42 "2016-04-02T14:11:36Z")
I appreciate your concern, but I wasn’t alone. I was still in the house, just not out on the balcony. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/43 "2016-04-02T15:22:44Z")
> [@j666](#): > > Now that everyone has assured you that you did nothing wrong … > > You did something wrong. You left the party. That gave Dude the opportunity to “resolve” the issue without you, and to spin the event to his benefit. Leaving implied you were at fault in some weird way, or at least made it easier to blame you behind your back. > > I know you were upset, but you should have stayed on the balcony, with the other guests, demonstrating that you were not some hysterical female type person. Okay, maybe not on the balcony, but the living room. > > By the way, this man puts his hands on you without your consent, and after your expressed non-consent. He assaulted you. His friend is a dick. > > Your husband is as shaken as you are, that’s all. > > Oh, and the bridge of the nose is very sensitive. Go for the Adam’s apple, and when he drops his chin, get him on the nose. > > Make it bleed. Fuck this shit. Judging women who leave the scene as a ting hysterical is one hell of a misogynistic view and is an unnecessary worry among civilized adults. Likewise, encouraging violence is so junior high. While you husband sounds like he matured in the past decade, or was more mature to begin with, but Friend has not. With clueless people, you don’t need to follow normal social conventions, just have your husband tell him flat out that any visits will need to be sans Dude. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/44 "2016-04-02T15:42:32Z")
> [@guestchaz](#): > > also, if you don’t feel comfortable with gouging the eyes there are alternatives. Grab him by the ears, squeeze hard(use fingernails if so inclined) and TWIST, **FORCEFULLY** , his head back so he is looking up (or down depending on your physical position at the moment). If you’re not squeamish, had all your shots etc. you can then BITE him on the nose if the ear twisting doesn’t do the trick. You can make ANY man submit with a good ear hold If you can reach someone’s face and you do not want to risk permanent, visible damage that can possibly be charged or sued over… Feel on your face under your cheek bones. Right underneath the ball of the cheek. Press inward. Hurts, doesn’t it. Just jam your thumbs in there hard. He’ll feel it for a couple of days. ---
**Author:** ![purplehearingaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@purplehearingaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehearingaid)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/45 "2016-04-02T16:18:02Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Your husband neither needs nor deserves an apology from you! And the man apologizing to your husband and not you is pretty typical; too many men only think we’re important if we Belong to someone. > > Dude is lucky you didn’t pop him one in the eye. I suggest next time you do consider physical violence if someone is physically touching you and won’t stop. Ugh. There is no way that no one has objected before, he just never listened. > > You are not irrational. Don’t touch people unless you know they want to be touched. Definitely don’t pick them up unless you are POSITIVE! Did you read what the OP said ??? “Did I mention this a few feet from the edge of a balcony, with a twenty-foot drop? He’s a 6-foot-plus guy, I’m a 5’3’” woman." Thanks goodness she didn’t poke the jackass in his eye , he could of every had drop her off the balcony for being pissed off ! To the OP I am Jewish and if that had been me I was had told that Anti Semitic bitch to get the HELL away from me , and I would not had stayed over night I would had demanded my husband to take you home or to hotel for the night . And I would had asked him why he didn’t do anything about that Anti Semitic bitch . You didn’t nothing wrong, and could of had the jackass arrested for assaulting you. I wonder if you see your husband is a different way after all this happen . He really seem to be blaming you for the whole thing , I know I sure would hate to depend on a guy like your husband if I had something like that happen to me . This really sucks that this happen to me. I know I sure would let your husband best friend bring any of this friends to your house and if does tell your husband the guy goes or you’ll stay at a friend’s house. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/46 "2016-04-02T16:18:41Z")
> [@j666](#): > > **DaphneBlack** was not alone in a dark alley; she was surrounded by friends and associates. Not to upset **DB** further, > conceivably, she put herself in more danger by moving to a place where she was alone. > > And, look at the Dude’s comment that he didn’t know what **her problem** was, and Dude’s Friend’s reaction, surprised because she “was the first person who ever objected”. They immediately started painting DB as an hysterical female type person **in her presence** after she was assaulted. By the end of the night, she was probably screaming in terror because Dude gave her a hug. Fuck that. This is exactly why women feel pressure to grin and bear this kind of treatment–the idea that if they have a reaction, they will be the one to pay a social price, not the guy. If the people that know you are going to accept the spin of a friend of a friend of the host, then they are misogynistic assholes so fuck them. If people that don’t know either of you get the wrong impression, who cares? You don’t know them. Fuck what they think–you shouldn’t stay where you are miserable to make sure some strangers don’t get the wrong impression. ---
**Author:** ![DaphneBlack](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daphneblack/32/5389_2.png) [@DaphneBlack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaphneBlack)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/47 "2016-04-02T16:53:00Z")
Re: Dude’s girlfriend, the oddest thing about that is that Friend is Jewish as well. I wonder if he ever noticed her strange obsession with Jews before – seriously, she said four times “my family doesn’t like Jews,” I mean, c’mon. She’s from Poland, but she lives in Germany, so, er… I would just like to re-iterate that I have no problem with how my husband handled the situation. He had my back. I don’t expect him to ‘drop’ his long-time friend because said friend brought an asshole to a party or anything.\* I was just curious if other women who’ve had a similar experience felt this weird urge to apologize to ‘their man’. And I would also like to re-iterate that I have no problem, intellectually, with my reaction. I just felt very unsettled about the whole thing, and it made me think (probably too much) about a lot of the tropes about this type of situation. I’m not worried about my ‘reputation’ with my husband’s friends. - For one thing, all of us (Dude, Friend, Husb and me) were in a different country than we normally reside in. I left this out because I didn’t think it relevant to the overall point. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Bravo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_bravo/32/493_2.png) [@Johnny\_Bravo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Bravo)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/48 "2016-04-02T17:34:09Z")
> [@j666](#): > > Leaving implied you were at fault in some weird way This is complete horseshit. ---
**Author:** ![purplehearingaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@purplehearingaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehearingaid)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/49 "2016-04-02T18:54:20Z")
> [@DaphneBlack](#): > > Re: Dude’s girlfriend, the oddest thing about that is that Friend is Jewish as well. I wonder if he ever noticed her strange obsession with Jews before – seriously, she said four times “my family doesn’t like Jews,” I mean, c’mon. She’s from Poland, but she lives in Germany, so, er… > > I would just like to re-iterate that I have no problem with how my husband handled the situation. He had my back. I don’t expect him to ‘drop’ his long-time friend because said friend brought an asshole to a party or anything.\* I was just curious if other women who’ve had a similar experience felt this weird urge to apologize to ‘their man’. > > And I would also like to re-iterate that I have no problem, intellectually, with my reaction. I just felt very unsettled about the whole thing, and it made me think (probably too much) about a lot of the tropes about this type of situation. I’m not worried about my ‘reputation’ with my husband’s friends. > > - For one thing, all of us (Dude, Friend, Husb and me) were in a different country than we normally reside in. I left this out because I didn’t think it relevant to the overall point. I would had saw no reason to had apologize to my man but I do know for some weird reason this does happen . I can remember my ex brother and when I say 'ex brother ’ I mean I have disowned him as my whole family. Anyway my ex brother insulted me once and I return the favor and insulted him back and he got all hurt ! Then my mother and older sister went over him to comfort him ! I was like WTF ! He insult me first and my family feel bad for him . How did society get women to feel that we have to put our feelings in second place when it come to men in our life??? ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/50 "2016-04-02T19:31:50Z")
> [@DaphneBlack](#): > > I appreciate what you’re saying, and I do think we should ‘tell, rather than ask’ as you put it, but Friend is not a bad guy. I think he was really embarrassed, but the part that made me angry was him saying that no one else had ever objected when Dude acted like this before. Given how clueless Friend seemed by that, I want (my husband) to say something that is very clear, but not overly-angry seeming, before we visit. Friend is a guy engaging in bad behavior, namely bringing assault guy to parties and covering for him. Don’t make excuses for him, he made the decision that being on good terms with the attacker was more important to him than doing the right thing or helping you. What he did is very clearly ‘bad guy’ behavior., even if he’s not a bad guy - it’s certainly possible that he just had no idea how to react to something that strange. If I were the husband, I would say something direct like “I don’t want to have to deal with the guy who assaulted my wife again. If he shows up, we’re leaving. If having him around is more important than seeing us, then we will catch up when we run into each other one day.” I would also make a point to talk to Host about what happened. If he’s throwing big drunken parties and passing out during them then he’s probably not all that responsible, but he may still care. If someone is trying to manhandle people, especially when they’re right next to a balcony on his property and drinking alcohol he provided. If assault guy ends up injuring someone or getting injured, Host might well end up being liable for medical bills. And if his parties have people routinely assaulting each other, he’s probably going to lose the fun guests and end up with a lot of violence and broken stuff in the house. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/51 "2016-04-02T19:57:16Z")
Shit, I’ve been grabbed by the guy who was my bf at the time to do that “carry me over the threshold reproducing the rape of the Sabin women” thing and I was so upset I couldn’t speak English, he kept trying to hug me and I kept stepping back from him… and that’s a guy I trusted, we were living in the US, and I’ve watched enough American movies to know you guys think that’s a romantic gesture. If a guy I barely knew from Adam had tried to grab me up the incoherent screams might have brought the neighbors. ---
**Author:** ![Xema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9de053/32.png) [@Xema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Xema)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/52 "2016-04-02T20:50:03Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > … the incoherent screams might have brought the neighbors. An enhanced version of this is possibly the best way to handle such a situation. The instant you become convinced that “No, stop!” isn’t working, you let out the most bloodcurdling, long, drawn-out, over-the-top, wake-the-dead scream you can produce - then relax, showing a thin smile. The idiot recoils in horror. Everyone within 200 yards drops what they are doing and rushes to the scene. You calmly explain that there’s no need for concern, all is well, you are sorry that it was necessary to alarm people, you are sure the problem will not recur - “Isn’t that right, Mr. Idiot?” IOW, you at all times had the situation under complete control. ---
**Author:** ![Enter\_the\_Flagon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Enter\_the\_Flagon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enter_the_Flagon)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/53 "2016-04-02T23:10:22Z")
> [@j666](#): > > Now that everyone has assured you that you did nothing wrong … > > You did something wrong. You left the party. That gave Dude the opportunity to “resolve” the issue without you, and to spin the event to his benefit. Leaving implied you were at fault in some weird way, or at least made it easier to blame you behind your back. > > I know you were upset, but you should have stayed on the balcony, with the other guests, demonstrating that you were not some hysterical female type person. Okay, maybe not on the balcony, but the living room. Not a single word in here worth agreeing with. OK, maybe the “You left the party” is technically accurate, but the rest? Not so much. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2016, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/54 "2016-04-03T00:16:02Z")
What he did was inappropriate but, it’s not that uncommon in rambunctious settings where everyone has a buzz and people start getting frisky. I’ve hoisted people up myself while wrestling around when I was younger, but (to be frank) you have to pretty seriously buzzed to think this is any kind of a good idea. The issue here is that this was sedate party and (per your description) he did it out of the blue with no horseplay going on. I’m also going to bet he was a lot drunker than you think he was. With enough people getting buzzed this obnoxious, irritating horseplay can happen a lot more easily than you might think even among presumed adults. As far as “processing it”. You husband did exactly the right thing. Getting in a fight with a rambunctious drunk would have been the absolutely worst thing to do legally, physically, socially. Having said this I have seen some women get peeved after these kinds of incidents that hubby diffused a scenario vs punching out the clown. Some women do want the caveman reaction if they are being harassed especially if they felt helpless. In the there’s not much you can do short of chalking it up to drunk theatre, avoiding that person in the future and moving on. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2016, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/55 "2016-04-03T01:12:50Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > Fuck this shit. Judging women who leave the scene as a ting hysterical is one hell of a misogynistic view and is an unnecessary worry among civilized adults. > [@MandaJo](#): > > Fuck that. This is exactly why women feel pressure to grin and bear this kind of treatment–the idea that if they have a reaction, they will be the one to pay a social price, not the guy. > [@Johnny\_Bravo](#): > > This is complete horseshit. We all decry the attitude, but probably 50% of the people here have suffered from it. No matter how justified a woman’s anger, there are people who will insist it is “her problem”, whether it’s about physical assault or getting passed over for a promotion. And they will effect others’ opinions. Abandoning the field leaves them in control of the truth. As history is written by the winners, gossip is controlled by those who are still there. But to be clear, I did not mean to suggest DB should have smiled and laughed it off. Sorry. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2016, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/56 "2016-04-03T02:20:04Z")
It’s not that there might not be gossip that paints her in a bad light. That may happen with a bunch of people that don’t know her. It’s that sge shouldn’t put the opinions of a bunch of people that don’t know her ahead of her own comfort. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2016, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/57 "2016-04-03T12:02:28Z")
> [@j666](#): > > We all decry the attitude, but probably 50% of the people here have suffered from it. > > No matter how justified a woman’s anger, there are people who will insist it is “her problem”, whether it’s about physical assault or getting passed over for a promotion. And they will effect others’ opinions. Abandoning the field leaves them in control of the truth. As history is written by the winners, gossip is controlled by those who are still there. > > But to be clear, I did not mean to suggest DB should have smiled and laughed it off. Sorry. Oh bullshit. There is absolutely no reason to worry if people are going to worry about her reaction and for you to insist that she should remain in a highly discomfortable environment simply to worry about what others may think is misogynistic reasoning. If someone pissed off a man, you wouldn’t be calling for him to hang around. Oh wait, you would be calling for him to fight. ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2016, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/58 "2016-04-03T13:05:05Z")
> [@j666](#): > > […] > > No matter how justified a woman’s anger, there are people who will insist it is “her problem”, whether it’s about physical assault or getting passed over for a promotion. And they will effect others’ opinions. Abandoning the field leaves them in control of the truth. As history is written by the winners, gossip is controlled by those who are still there. > > […] This. Completely and absolutely. But “abandon the field” versus still being there is complicated. It isn’t anybody’s job to leave themselves open to further assault. It’s everybody’s job to stay and control history properly. ---
**Author:** ![DaphneBlack](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daphneblack/32/5389_2.png) [@DaphneBlack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaphneBlack)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2016, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/59 "2016-04-03T13:35:38Z")
As I said, ‘gossip’ was exactly _not_ what I was thinking about at the time. I think it’s interesting that this element of the incident is what has caused the most disagreement. As it happens, I was not a stranger to most of the folks at the party, by any means. They were friends of my husband, but this wasn’t their first encounter with me, at all. But I just don’t think I had any reason to think about, much less prioritize, their potential opinions about me. I left (the balcony) because I was shaken, and because I didn’t want to see Dude’s face any more. People saw what happened. I do wonder, though: if any of the ‘many’ others who had apparently not objected to Dude’s behavior _were_ worrying about ‘making a scene’ or ‘causing drama’ and that’s why they didn’t object? ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2016, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/60 "2016-04-03T18:58:31Z")
Next time, grab his balls and SQUEEZE! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862.md?page=4)