# Help me process this distressing experience **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 1, 2016, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862 "2016-04-01T18:40:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2016, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/61 "2016-04-03T20:07:44Z")
> [@DaphneBlack](#): > > I do wonder, though: if any of the ‘many’ others who had apparently not objected to Dude’s behavior _were_ worrying about ‘making a scene’ or ‘causing drama’ and that’s why they didn’t object? That’s EXACTLY why they didn’t object. Most folks don’t like conflict or drama. To my embarrassment, I’ve had a friend like the one mentioned in your OP. Some of the crap people would let him get away with astounded me. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2016, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/62 "2016-04-03T20:15:10Z")
Q: What year did this happen? This year? Answering this doesn’t change any of the facts or my opinion; I’m just trying to frame the event in time. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [April 3, 2016, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/63 "2016-04-03T20:19:49Z")
> [@Xema](#): > > An enhanced version of this is possibly the best way to handle such a situation. > > The instant you become convinced that “No, stop!” isn’t working, you let out the most bloodcurdling, long, drawn-out, over-the-top, wake-the-dead scream you can produce - then relax, showing a thin smile. The idiot recoils in horror. Everyone within 200 yards drops what they are doing and rushes to the scene. > > You calmly explain that there’s no need for concern, all is well, you are sorry that it was necessary to alarm people, you are sure the problem will not recur - “Isn’t that right, Mr. Idiot?” IOW, you at all times had the situation under complete control. That would require the person who is being manhandled to actually have the situation under control, something which is kind of difficult when you’re being grabbed and carried against your will by someone who’s got a foot and some 30kg on you. I mean, if I’d had the situation under control, _the fucker would not have been able to grab me in the first place_. ---
**Author:** ![DaphneBlack](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daphneblack/32/5389_2.png) [@DaphneBlack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaphneBlack)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2016, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/64 "2016-04-04T01:07:27Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > Q: What year did this happen? This year? > Answering this doesn’t change any of the facts or my opinion; I’m just trying to frame the event in time. Earlier this year… everyone involved is between 28-35 years old, if that’s relevant. ---
**Author:** ![DaphneBlack](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daphneblack/32/5389_2.png) [@DaphneBlack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaphneBlack)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2016, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/65 "2016-04-04T01:12:46Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > That’s EXACTLY why they didn’t object. Most folks don’t like conflict or drama. To my embarrassment, I’ve had a friend like the one mentioned in your OP. Some of the crap people would let him get away with astounded me. This makes me so angry, I can’t even. I think you’re right though. What are the chances that Dude actually took anything away from my objecting and my husband confronting him, and (if he is to be believed) Friend ‘explaining’ to him what he did wrong? I’m not optimistic, and as I said, even if he is a changed man I don’t have any interest in seeing his face ever again, but I kind of hope he doesn’t just go on, happily lifting and turning people and dogs upside down, for ever and ever. Bleurgh. ---
**Author:** ![spamforbrains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@spamforbrains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spamforbrains)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2016, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/66 "2016-04-04T03:17:41Z")
> [@](#): > > What he did was inappropriate but, it’s not that uncommon in rambunctious settings where everyone has a buzz and people start getting frisky. Really? Since when? It’s totally inappropriate in any setting. You DO NOT grab other people, and if you do, they have every right to try to kill you in self defense and scream for help while they attempt to kill their attacker. And they have every right to be extremely upset after being attacked and do whatever comes natural to them, which in most people is to flee the scene. OP: You were attacked. You are naturally upset. You feel what you feel. Your husband cannot control his feelings. Feelings cannot be controlled; all you can control is what you do with them. Perhaps talk to a therapist? ---
**Author:** ![wguy123](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wguy123/32/3161_2.png) [@wguy123](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wguy123)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2016, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/67 "2016-04-04T15:39:18Z")
I used to have this sort of thing happen to me very often and I’m a guy. Back when I was 13-17 I was extremely small: 5’2" and 85 lbs. All my big “friends” (every guy my age was bigger than me) thought it was fun to grab the little guy that looked like their 8 year old brother and throw him around. I ended up with a broken rib from one of those “fun” times. Eventually I grew and I ended up with better friends. However, there was still those guys that in their 20’s would drink too much and think it was wrastlin’ time. Sorry it happened to you. Not my fondest memories. ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2016, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/68 "2016-04-05T22:42:42Z")
1. Yes it’s really weird 2. No, nothing like that has ever happened to me 3. Your husband may have just been trying to explain how he felt, and not blaming you. (Sort of like children who act up a bit with their parents because they feel safe there after being stressed out with school all day.) 4. Given #3, I can understand your urge, but it was misdirected. You didn’t do anything wrong. You may want to initiate a conversation with your husband to better understand what he meant by his remarks. I would guess he was still upset from the incident. When people are upset, they don’t always express themselves in the most diplomatic way. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2016, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/69 "2016-04-05T23:27:49Z")
> [@j666](#): > > No matter how justified a woman’s anger, there are people who will insist it is “her problem”, whether it’s about physical assault or getting passed over for a promotion. And they will effect others’ opinions. Abandoning the field leaves them in control of the truth. As history is written by the winners, gossip is controlled by those who are still there. It isn’t just women. Sadly, our society is so utterly terrified of emotion that showing any at all is a thought crime of sorts and people start assuming that you’re the bad one. Because ‘emotions’, and they can’t process how to deal with the issue while accepting/processing the emotions present. My (female) boss pretty much said as much when I got angry about a co-worker calling me out in front of the team despite being very clearly **wrong** and having had the entire situation explained to her in writing the week before. (Which I then produced for my manager) My manager straight up told me that when someone gets angry, they instantly become “the bad guy”, so never ever get angry about anything, no matter how egregious the conduct on the other side. I think that’s utter bullshit and the lazy person’s way out of an uncomfortable situation, but there we are. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2016, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/70 "2016-04-06T00:03:41Z")
> [@DaphneBlack](#): > > This makes me so angry, I can’t even. I think you’re right though. > > What are the chances that Dude actually took anything away from my objecting and my husband confronting him, and (if he is to be believed) Friend ‘explaining’ to him what he did wrong? I’m not optimistic, and as I said, even if he is a changed man I don’t have any interest in seeing his face ever again, but I kind of hope he doesn’t just go on, happily lifting and turning people and dogs upside down, for ever and ever. > > Bleurgh. You want him to be sorry about what he did because he terrified you and caused your husband huge aggravation in dealing with an angry and awkward situation. The truth is he a really does not care all that much (personally) about your feelings, and is mostly very embarrassed for himself at being called out as a disruptive oaf who will not be invited back for some time. Unless he is a chronic alcoholic and has mental issues he will like tamp down his hoisting behavior in the future. That’s about it re “change”. The blowback from this means another woman will not have to suffer his nonsense. The core issue and problem here is that you feel violated for being literally manhandled out of the blue by a rambunctious drunk. It will probably never happen again in your life, but it makes you feel very angry as there is nothing (really) you can do to punish him for this. The answer is that there are situations in this life which are random and supremely aggravating, but which you really cannot fix after the fact. This was pure drunken stupidity. You have to realize that you did what you could do, your husband handled it as well as it could be handled without nuking long term relationships. Sometimes you just have to move on. This is one of those times. ---
**Author:** ![Staggerlee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/staggerlee/32/3134_2.png) [@Staggerlee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Staggerlee)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2016, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/71 "2016-04-06T14:28:50Z")
> [@spamforbrains](#): > > …It’s totally inappropriate in any setting. You DO NOT grab other people, and if you do, they have every right to try to kill you in self defense and scream for help while they attempt to kill their attacker… > … Perhaps talk to a therapist? Are you by any chance an American? The whole situation sounds like drunken foolishness, with this man badly misjudging his audience. He should definitely be shunned by whoever doesn’t like this sort of invasive manhandling (I wouldn’t like it myself), but it doesn’t sound like his intentions were actually sinister. I suppose while your talk of lethal retribution/therapy sounds very American, my excusing of drunken boorishness might strike people as rather British. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Bravo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_bravo/32/493_2.png) [@Johnny\_Bravo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Bravo)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2016, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/72 "2016-04-06T14:37:50Z")
> [@spamforbrains](#): > > You DO NOT grab other people, and if you do, they have every right to try to kill you in self defense This is also horseshit. There is a such thing as proportional response. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2016, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/73 "2016-04-06T15:39:30Z")
> [@DaphneBlack](#): > > As a small woman, sometimes people think it’s ‘super-cute’ and ‘fun’ to lift me up and swing me around without asking first. > > \ > > Dude has ‘done this sort of thing all the time’ but that I was ‘the first person who ever objected’. You need to get some new friends. This is not normal. ---
**Author:** ![DaphneBlack](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daphneblack/32/5389_2.png) [@DaphneBlack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaphneBlack)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2016, 11:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/74 "2016-04-07T11:16:25Z")
> [@astro](#): > > \ Unless he is a chronic alcoholic and has mental issues he will like tamp down his hoisting behavior in the future. That’s about it re “change”. The blowback from this means another woman will not have to suffer his nonsense. > > The core issue and problem here is that you feel violated for being literally manhandled out of the blue by a rambunctious drunk. It will probably never happen again in your life \ I wish I could have the same hopes as the above! If my actions mean he doesn’t do this again, it will have been (almost) worth it. And I hope this type of situation never happens again, but this is something I am less optimistic for. It’s not that this was the first time a person (especially a drunk person) ever behaved inappropriately to me… **Omar Little** , I think it might be more normal than you think. Not to this extreme level, but check out what some of the other responders have had to say. **Staggerlee** , forgive me for saying this, but I do speak from experience – it is indeed very British to excuse drunken boorishness. It wasn’t my favorite thing about living in the UK. However, all the people talking about serious violence are way over the top, imho. ---
**Author:** ![Small\_Hen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ad7895/32.png) [@Small\_Hen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Small_Hen)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2016, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/75 "2016-04-07T14:25:59Z")
> [@Hari\_Seldon](#): > > Next time, grab his balls and SQUEEZE! I hate this suggestion. My mother used to tell me to do this as a response to men getting sexually aggressive/assaulting, like it was the great fucking equalizer of the sexes. It’s often not logistically, emotionally, or physically plausible to grab an attacker’s crotch. It could also be taken as an invitation to ramp up physically violence - women, even when frightened or angry, have more ‘last minute hesitation’ response than men because of the size of the corpus callosum in our brains. I’ve read it’s why men are more likely to commit murder - because women pull punches. If I go to squeeze a man’s testicles, but hesitate at the last second and end up just causing him mild pain, now he’s still in fighting condition, and he’s _furious_, because I’ve gone for the genitals. If I’m fighting dirty, he won’t hold back. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2016, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/76 "2016-04-07T19:20:29Z")
It could also be considered sexual assault. ---
**Author:** ![DaphneBlack](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daphneblack/32/5389_2.png) [@DaphneBlack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaphneBlack)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2016, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/77 "2016-04-07T19:38:19Z")
Yeah, it’s really easy to say ‘go for the balls!’ but it is a lot harder to actually do so, not to mention deeply unwise in a lot of cases. In this case, it would have been physically impossible… ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2016, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/78 "2016-04-09T23:29:59Z")
> [@DaphneBlack](#): > > I wish I could have the same hopes as the above! If my actions mean he doesn’t do this again, it will have been (almost) worth it. And I hope this type of situation never happens again, but this is something I am less optimistic for. It’s not that this was the first time a person (especially a drunk person) ever behaved inappropriately to me… > > **Omar Little** , I think it might be more normal than you think. Not to this extreme level, but check out what some of the other responders have had to say. > > **Staggerlee** , forgive me for saying this, but I do speak from experience – it is indeed very British to excuse drunken boorishness. It wasn’t my favorite thing about living in the UK. > > However, all the people talking about serious violence are way over the top, imho. Drunk people are inappropriate all the time. You are not likely to be able to change the drunk behavior of people hanging around you, if this is an ongoing issue in the parties and venues you attend per your note you need to go to places where people are less drunk or avoid these places entirely. This is your choice to go to those places or not. Re the person who picked you up do not discount or belittle the power of public shaming and low level shunning as a corrective force. In some cases it’s a more powerful behavioral corrective for men than getting a beating. It sticks to you and follows you everywhere and you cannot laugh it off or shrug it off. All you can do is behave better and hope you are forgiven at some point ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2016, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862/79 "2016-04-10T01:02:57Z")
> [@DaphneBlack](#): > > Earlier this year… everyone involved is between 28-35 years old, if that’s relevant. Its not and I’m sorry if I seemed to change the subject (I wasn’t trying to). Sometimes its easier to think that this level of Douchery was more common decades ago but maybe that’s just my perception. I think that your first red flag was spot on: People who abuse animals can and often do escalate to trying to abuse human beings. > [@DaphneBlack](#): > > Dude started in as if to hug me, which seems weird, but I don’t immediately reject the hug. Except, the hug suddenly turns into something else. He grabs me around the waist with one hand and puts his other hand on my thigh, starting to lift me upside down. > > Did I mention this a few feet from the edge of a balcony, with a twenty-foot drop? He’s a 6-foot-plus guy, I’m a 5’3’" woman. > > As soon as he grabbed my _thigh_ and started to lift me, I put my hand on his shoulder and pushed, hard, and said, very loud, “No!” > > He keeps lifting me, I push harder, and repeatedly say, in a louder voice, “No! No! No! Stop! What are you doing? Stop!” (I shouted “no” more than five times). My pressure on his shoulder means he stops lifting me up, but doesn’t let go. > > After about fifteen seconds, my husband and Dude’s friend realize that something weird is going down and come over. Dude’s friend more or less pulls him away, he’s babbling something like “I just wanted to swing her around! I didn’t mean anything by it!” Intent is a hard thing for me to know for a fact, given what is written, but it could be argued that he was trying to throw you off of the balcony (or was trying to see how far along he could get in trying to do that before someone stopped him). That act should have ended the party and he should have ended his night answering a police officers questions while wearing cuffs and seated in the back of a patrol car. The night didn’t end that way though. INAL so I don’t know if you can still file a complaint. FTR, you probably should if only to put him on notice that the cops know about this type of behavior, should he ever try something like that with anyone again. Other than that… YMMV… but I’d choose to stay the fuck away from that psycho and probably any/all mutual friends whose events you might ever see him at. INAL or a LEO… and beyond what I said, in terms of reasonable personal safety that is within the law in your state, you really should consult someone who is. I’m very sorry that this happened to you, if that means anything. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-process-this-distressing-experience/750862.md?page=3)