# Help me scheme: 'great gifts' that turn out to be expensive to the giftee **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 11, 2005, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105 "2005-12-11T04:38:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![StarvingButStrong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/starvingbutstrong/32/335_2.png) [@StarvingButStrong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StarvingButStrong)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105/1 "2005-12-11T04:38:23Z")
Okay, assume you are a passive-aggressive person, and you dearly want to get back at some relatives. What presents can you give that will appear on first glance to be really, really nice…and end up leaving the recipient wishing that s/he’d never gotten it? For example: Give a portable satellite radio receiver. Nifty new e-toy, yes? Of course, they’ll have to pony up the subscription fee month after month or it’s worthless. If they have an athletic child, give them the starting gear for a new sport or introductory lessons. A pair of hockey skates can lead to years of predawn ice rink visits. A set of beautiful copper pans and a hanging rack leads to never-ending polishing or the stuff starts looking bad. Other suggestions? ---
**Author:** ![Amp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Amp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amp)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105/2 "2005-12-11T04:47:29Z")
Cocaine laced chewing gum. Once they’re hooked they’re hooked. ---
**Author:** ![Celyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@Celyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Celyn)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105/3 "2005-12-11T04:59:03Z")
A white elephant ---
**Author:** ![scr4](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@scr4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scr4)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105/4 "2005-12-11T05:09:47Z")
A puppy. Classic car. Round-trip airline tickets to Las Vegas. ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Purl\_McKnittington](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9a140/32.png) [@Miss\_Purl\_McKnittington](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Purl_McKnittington)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105/5 "2005-12-11T05:11:34Z")
Nice clothing that absolutely must be dry-cleaned or it looks like crap. Electronic stuff that takes special batteries that are ridiculously expensive to replace. Tickets to a theatre that is just far enough away to border on inconvenient – they have to pay for travel and hotels. Slightly different, but something that has its own special corner in hell: Aggravatingly noisy toys for their children. Or a singing bird clock. God, I hate the bird clock in the kitchen, but my mother loves it. She’s replaced it three times, she loves it so much. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105/6 "2005-12-11T06:07:25Z")
> [@StarvingButStrong](#): > > Give a portable satellite radio receiver. Nifty new e-toy, yes? Of course, they’ll have to pony up the subscription fee month after month or it’s worthless. Similarly, Netflix and Tivo are great things that unfortunately require continuing subscriptions. Some of the Knex and Lego toys when assembled will take up most of the living room. How about bagpipe lessons for the kid? The noise from the practicing with get them thrown out of the neighborhood. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105/7 "2005-12-11T15:20:23Z")
I always give “the gift that keeps on giving”: A pregnant cat. ---
**Author:** ![cwthree](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de0a6/32.png) [@cwthree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cwthree)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105/8 "2005-12-11T15:34:25Z")
Unframed art. A small $10 print still requires a $50 frame. A big $10 print requires an even more expensive frame. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105/9 "2005-12-11T15:54:05Z")
A friend once gave me a $1 deposit on a _Rolls Royce_ for my birthday. He had gone to the dealer and acquired a real receipt that said something like: Rolls Royce Silver Shadow $100,000 Deposit…1 Balance...................... 99,999 Never did get the car. ---
**Author:** ![zagloba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/977dab/32.png) [@zagloba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zagloba)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105/10 "2005-12-11T16:07:36Z")
> [@Miss Purl McKnittington](#): > > Slightly different, but something that has its own special corner in hell: Aggravatingly noisy toys for their children. That reminds me of a story. In _Roughing It_, Mark Twain claims Brigham Young said: > [@](#): > > If you had offered to give a child a dime, or a stick of candy, or any trifle of the kind, you would have been snatched out of the house instantly, provided it could be done before your gift left your hand. Otherwise it would be absolutely necessary for you to make an exactly similar gift to all my children–and knowing by experience the importance of the thing, I would have stood by and seen to it myself that you did it, and did it thoroughly. Once a gentleman gave one of my children a tin whistle–a veritable invention of Satan, sir, and one which I have an unspeakable horror of, and so would you if you had eighty or ninety children in your house. But the deed was done–the man escaped. I knew what the result was going to be, and I thirsted for vengeance. I ordered out a flock of Destroying Angels, and they hunted the man far into the fastnesses of the Nevada mountains. But they never caught him. I am not cruel, sir–I am not vindictive except when sorely outraged–but if I had caught him, sir, so help me Joseph Smith, I would have locked him into the nursery till the brats whistled him to death. By the slaughtered body of St. Parley Pratt (whom God assail!) there was never anything on this earth like it! I knew who gave the whistle to the child, but I could, not make those jealous mothers believe me. They believed I did it, and the result was just what any man of reflection could have foreseen: I had to order a hundred and ten whistles–I think we had a hundred and ten children in the house then, but some of them are off at college now–I had to order a hundred and ten of those shrieking things, and I wish I may never speak another word if we didn’t have to talk on our fingers entirely, from that time forth until the children got tired of the whistles. And if ever another man gives a whistle to a child of mine and I get my hands on him, I will hang him higher than Haman! That is the word with the bark on it! Shade of Nephi! ---
**Author:** ![carlotta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/898d66/32.png) [@carlotta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carlotta)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105/11 "2005-12-11T17:21:41Z")
A gift certificate to a expensive store not in their town. The gift certificate should be enough money to appear to be generous, but the store should be expensive enough that the gift certificate covers only about 30% or less of any item in the store. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105/12 "2005-12-11T17:24:45Z")
A big, wet, sloppy kiss from someone with an open, oozy cold sore on their mouth. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105/13 "2005-12-11T17:32:22Z")
A Barney CD if they have kids. A boombox if they have teenagers. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105/14 "2005-12-11T19:29:28Z")
One of my friends once gave another friend a live chicken in a box. The only problem was he lived in an apartment in urban Los Angeles. The guy sat around for a couple days with a chicken in his apartment, trying to figure out what the hell to do with it. He eventually drove to a distant suburb in the dead of night and set it free. ---
**Author:** ![Baine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Baine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baine)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105/15 "2005-12-11T20:48:15Z")
A [Mogwai](http://www.cdp181.demon.co.uk/images/mogwai.jpg). ---
**Author:** ![Podkayne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Podkayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Podkayne)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105/16 "2005-12-11T20:56:41Z")
For those of us looking to annoy on a budget, a nice shiny new razor will fit the bill. They sell the handle part for next to nothing (indeed, I got a Schick Intuition, in the mail, unsolicited and for free from my grocery store’s loyalty/discount program—it sucked), but replacement blade cartriges are breathtakingly expensive. I recommend the Intuition for the ladies, which features a razorblade surrounded by this cake of of a soapy-type substance which rubs off on your skin as you shave (and once it’s gone, I guess you have to buy a new blade, eh?). For the gentleman, go with the Mach 87, or whatever they’re up to now. Not only are the replacements expensive, in three months or so, they’ll come out with the Mach 88, and the Mach 87 blades will no longer be available and he’ll have to buy a new razor. ---
**Author:** ![Walloon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/fbc32d/32.png) [@Walloon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Walloon)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105/17 "2005-12-11T21:03:20Z")
A Barbie doll or an American Girl doll. Must get all the accessories! ---
**Author:** ![Fern\_Forest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@Fern\_Forest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fern_Forest)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105/18 "2005-12-11T21:10:29Z")
An Xbox 360 game. Or a really cool computer game just too powerful for their system. Adopt them a nice Chinese girl. Boy imagine their surprise! ---
**Author:** ![tremorviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47774/32.png) [@tremorviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tremorviolet)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105/19 "2005-12-11T21:26:49Z")
A fish. I was just the recepient of a betta fish at my companies white elephant exchange. Everyone kept dropping him and since I am mondo responsible, here I am. So now I’ve ponied up for water conditioner, a fish net, more food and the list keep growing. Dammit. ---
**Author:** ![Gala\_Matrix\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/4da419/32.png) [@Gala\_Matrix\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gala_Matrix_Fire)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 2005, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105/20 "2005-12-11T21:49:29Z")
If you are very wealthy, extravagant, and passive-aggressive, you can buy them a house in a neighborhood they can’t afford to live in. The property taxes and insurance will slowly bankrupt them. Unless they turn around and sell the house quickly and keep the money. But they won’t, because they’re greedy status-seekers. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-scheme-great-gifts-that-turn-out-to-be-expensive-to-the-giftee/335105.md?page=2)