# Help me screw with total assholes! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 24, 2000, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180 "2000-10-24T22:31:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Kilt-wearin\_man](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/82dd89/32.png) [@Kilt-wearin\_man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kilt-wearin_man)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2000, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180/21 "2000-10-25T05:18:09Z")
Here’s some for every person on their buddy list… “Are we still on for this weekend? I’m getting hot just thinking about it…” or “I hope you don’t mind, i signed you up for a couple of mailing lists.” or “Can I stay at your place for a couple of days? I owe some people some money and they’re looking for me. I really need your help…” ---
**Author:** ![Palm\_Cove](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bcef8e/32.png) [@Palm\_Cove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palm_Cove)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2000, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180/22 "2000-10-25T05:46:35Z")
How about- \*\* “Great news, I have discovered GOD!!!. Did you realise that the earth is only 6,000 years old and we’ve been tricked by the evil science conspiracy. Praise the LORD” \*\* It may look more convincing if you stuff up the grammar a bit. Or \*\* “I am adding you to my ignore list. You know why!!” \*\* Or, if all else fails really do add them all to the ignore list. (Bold is deliberate part of message.) ---
**Author:** ![cornflakes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@cornflakes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cornflakes)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2000, 6:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180/23 "2000-10-25T06:59:18Z")
OK, I can’t do this, but I’ve seen it done (with Windows, but it shouldn’t be platform specific.) Get with the guys who take care of the server and check the server cache and login records. Determine who downloaded what and change their passwords. This way, they have to come to you (or better yet your boss) and sign an agreement that they understand and will comply with the entire computer policy and that they understand that further violations will result in… (you know the drill.) That, or send tons of very blackmailable material. ---
**Author:** ![Gollum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/85f322/32.png) [@Gollum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gollum)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2000, 8:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180/24 "2000-10-25T08:05:06Z")
If you have power, abuse it. To do otherwise is good, but dull. I say fuck them up. - your mum is cute, cept for that wart on her ass - christ i need an enema - Do you think i can get away with wearing a skirt and crotchless panties for a weeK? (works for guys or girls) - I havent told you guys, but i REALLY like god. - All i need to do now is steal the parts and shave my scrotum, and it will all fall into place. - If homosexuality is ok now, is it all right for me to come out about my necrophilia? - _username_ and _username1_ have been talking about you again. I thought someone should tell you. It seems sad that your so nice but they tell these… stories about you. I know you wouldnt do that kind of thing. Would you? dont tell me, i dont want to know- i’ll be your friend anyway. share the love ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2000, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180/25 "2000-10-25T13:37:49Z")
Well, you could always cut and paste some of the rants from our “newest users/family” from the pit…making it look like your user had said that stuff. ---
**Author:** ![Missy2U](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3bc359/32.png) [@Missy2U](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Missy2U)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2000, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180/26 "2000-10-25T13:41:36Z")
Let me clarify - **not verbatim** - just in that same vein. Kind of like using it as a “guide”. ---
**Author:** ![vanilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f19dbf/32.png) [@vanilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vanilla)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2000, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180/27 "2000-10-25T13:47:51Z")
How about “I can see what you are typing right now…” ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2000, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180/28 "2000-10-25T14:20:06Z")
“If doing guys in the ass makes me gay, then GUILTY AS CHARGED!” ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2000, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180/29 "2000-10-25T14:48:54Z")
Geez, **Drain** , remind me never, ever to use a campus computer lab! I was just there visiting some of my old prof last week, too. 'Course, the good thingis that the ISE labs don’t really have oversee-ers, exactly, but those on the 5th floor of Baker sure do. Looks like you’ve got plenty of material already, but you could always throw out invites for a huge party at the persons house for that weekend. tell people to invite everyone they know, since it’s gonna be huge. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2000, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180/30 "2000-10-25T15:20:19Z")
“Do you know how I can get these warts off my genitals?” “I just had a great idea, let’s meet at a Motel 6 and rub turkey gravy all over each others’ bodies!” “I’m a little confused. I just mastrubated while watching an episode of Lassie. It may be wrong, but that collie is HOT!” ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2000, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180/31 "2000-10-25T15:26:53Z")
About having them ask for kiddie porn and the like- Is it worth having these students get in big trouble? Suppose the person they ask this of is a relative? That’s really not a good idea… ---
**Author:** ![Peta\_Tzunami](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b487fb/32.png) [@Peta\_Tzunami](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peta_Tzunami)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2000, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180/32 "2000-10-25T16:10:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Arnold Winkelried \* > \*\*I personally would send an IM to someone in the buddy list that says “Mr. X has stupidly saved his password on a computer intended for general use. I could use this opportunity to pretend to be him and get him in trouble, but instead I am asking him to remind you that saved passwords are nothing but trouble.” \*\* I like what Arnold suggested but would take it to a different level thusly… > [@](#): > > “Mr. X has saved his email password on a PUBLIC computer intended for GENERAL USE by a multitude of people. I am but one of them and an honest one at that! However, not everyone is and since this not only has his password but his preferences, favorites/bookmarks (\<–might I add, “BIG YUCK!”), e-mail addresses, and buddy lists, he has put you at risk for spammers, and any manner of people who can access this computer. While I am telling you upfront I am not him, the next message/IM you receive from this screen name may be some unscrupulous person…beware and be pissed–I would if I were you.” (Paranoia anyone?) Or, if you want to be less than honest and get him/her banned, you can send an e-mail from that account violating AOL (or whomevers) TOS and then forward it to their Abuse Dept complaining… Finally, just keep uninstalling the program. After 5 or 6 times that’d HAVE get sick of re-installing it, wouldn’t they? ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2000, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180/33 "2000-10-25T17:32:12Z")
Copy and paste Homer’s [tripping on shrooms](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=38764) message. ---
**Author:** ![MisterBK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8c91f0/32.png) [@MisterBK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MisterBK)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2000, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180/34 "2000-10-26T00:18:41Z")
Well, you _could_ send everyone a message with the URL of this list… \ …but that might encourage the clueless perp’s clueless friends to start hanging out here. \ Or you could send out such fun messages as: “GREAT PENNY STOCK PICK!!!” “DO YOU LIKE HOT SEXXXY GIRLS?” “DR. _YOUR NAME_ PH.D.” “ILOVEYOU” Sure, they work better as e-mail, but append a subversive URL to them (like [http://www.rtmark.com](http://www.rtmark.com)) and \ you’ve got an IM. ---
**Author:** ![Lazarus7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/67e7ee/32.png) [@Lazarus7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lazarus7)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2000, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180/35 "2000-10-26T01:56:41Z")
Woo hoo … I love you! -\> umm … I wouldn’t normally ask, but I know I can trust you … does that really happen to all guys at some time or another? …and, what do I do if it keeps happening? just out of curiosity of course … -\> oh man! … you were soooo good last night! … my tongue is still sore (send that to everyone on their list and then right away afterwards send this to everyone) … umm … sorry about … just ignore my last message -\> send all their buddies a link off to some fecal porn site … include a message about how they can ask you for your password anytime they want … ---
**Author:** ![DoZ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/838e76/32.png) [@DoZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoZ)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2000, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180/36 "2000-10-26T02:11:14Z")
Sounds like the rules are in need of review. If there are a lot of people driving too fast, the speed limit is wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Wonko\_The\_Sane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/258eb7/32.png) [@Wonko\_The\_Sane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wonko_The_Sane)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2000, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180/37 "2000-10-26T21:00:53Z")
## One short email, from their own email address to themselves. ## You installed AOL somewhere you shouldn’t and set it to save your password. Anyone can use -your- account from the computer I’m sitting at now. Then uninstall it. I suspect that after a while it would cut down on the installs, but maybe not. It would definately increase the level of paranoia… ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2000, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180/38 "2000-10-26T22:11:07Z")
Maybe you can send them this link instead: [http://www.aol.com/aim/aimexpress.html](http://www.aol.com/aim/aimexpress.html) That way, they can chat all they want and it doesn’t install anything. You know, good ol’ java and all that. Or, if you really want to fuck with them, you can log in as them and get warned like a million times, cancel the account, or all the stuff that’s been mentioned. Much of it has been brilliant, I must say. But you have better things to do with your time, right? So why don’t you see if you can get the rules changed? I don’t aggree with whoever said the rule should go away because 50,000 screaming Elvis fans can’t be wrong. I’m saying that the signs all over the place shouldn’t say \ _“Please don’t install any chat software.”_ It should read: \ **"Do Not Install ANY chat software of ANY KIND. If you do, we will know, and your lab priveliges will be indefinitely revoked."** Then, when they do it, ban them. The reason no one follows the rule is that there are no consequences. If there was a Speed Suggestion sign, everyone would ignore it. But it’s a SPEED LIMIT sign, and everyone knows if you get caught, you get a nasty ticket and your insurance gets to fuck you harder. Even if you can’t change the rule, they don’t know that. Just change the sign. It will last until someone calls your bluff. Or you can just change their passwords. Just sit there for a few minutes and let the horns grow out a bit. Let it come to you. ---
**Author:** ![Marvel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/779978/32.png) [@Marvel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marvel)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2000, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180/39 "2000-10-27T01:50:40Z")
Personal fave - I actually used this one on a male friend years ago. Called the hotel he was staying at and told the desk clerk to leave the following message. "Chris, The test results were negative. Cyndi" [NOT the name of anyone he knew] He and his 8 travelling buddies were SO confussed! I waited a few days to call and let him off the hook. 😉 Damn, I’m evil! Feel free to use this one. Patty ---
**Author:** ![handy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5a626/32.png) [@handy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handy)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2000, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180/40 "2000-10-27T15:15:31Z")
Im with obfusciatrist, its too risky, I wouldn’t do anything with that info. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-screw-with-total-assholes/38180.md?page=3)