# Help me stock the ultimate (fictional) library **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** books-writing-myths\ **Created:** [October 16, 2013, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444 "2013-10-16T23:07:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![madrabbitwoman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c37758/32.png) [@madrabbitwoman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madrabbitwoman)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 10:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444/61 "2013-10-23T10:06:04Z")
Hmm… I seem to remember a tome called something like The \*Necrotelicomnicon \*(also known as _Liber Paginarum Fulvarum_) might have some useful contact details ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444/62 "2013-10-23T18:58:33Z")
The Word of Kemmler. Should prove amusing here at Halloween. ---
**Author:** ![Largo62](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/45deac/32.png) [@Largo62](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Largo62)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444/63 "2013-10-23T19:53:35Z")
“World Empire Lost”, the military treatise by Armin von Roon This “translation” appears in Herman Wouk’s “The Winds Of War” and War And Remembrance." ---
**Author:** ![Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/prof.pepperwinkle/32/13627_2.png) [@Prof.Pepperwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prof.Pepperwinkle)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2013, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444/64 "2013-10-23T20:00:04Z")
_The Janus Contract_ and _Under a Yellow Sun_, both by Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Clark Kent. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2013, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444/65 "2013-11-04T05:04:06Z")
In Stephen King’s novella “The Breathing Method,” collected in _Different Seasons_, he tells of an odd New York gentlemen’s club which includes a fine library. Many of the books in the library do not exist outside of the club, and are apparently from a parallel universe. Among those mentioned are two law books, _Twenty Cases of Dismemberment and Their Outcome Under British Law_ and _Pet Cases_. There is also a set of eleven particularly good novels by an Edward Gray Seville; the titles mentioned are _These Were Our Brothers_ (1911) and _Breakers_ (1935). There is a (unnamed by King) collection of cinema-related poetry including submissions by such actual poets as Robert Frost, Marianne Moore, William Carlos Williams, Wallace Stevens, Louis Zukofsky, Erica Jong and Algernon Williams. There is also an unnamed book by “an absolutely stunning poet” named Norbert Rosen. Don’t look for any of these on your own or anyone else’s shelves. The same club is featured in King’s “The Man Who Would Not Shake Hands,” but with no mention of any nonexistent books. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2013, 11:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444/66 "2013-11-04T11:00:17Z")
While we’ve been able to read several volumes of Harry Flashman’s private accounts, his official autobiographies, _Dawns and Departures of a Soldier’s Life_ and _Twixt Cossack and Cannon_, remain out of print. ---
**Author:** ![madrabbitwoman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c37758/32.png) [@madrabbitwoman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madrabbitwoman)\ **Post date:** [November 4, 2013, 11:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444/67 "2013-11-04T11:04:54Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > While we’ve been able to read several volumes of Harry Flashman’s private accounts, his official autobiographies, _Dawns and Departures of a Soldier’s Life_ and _Twixt Cossack and Cannon_, remain out of print. good suggestions 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444/68 "2013-11-17T04:31:34Z")
In his 1944 robot short story “Catch That Rabbit,” later collected in _I, Robot_, Isaac Asimov included this passage: “Powell [a robotics engineer] reached for the _Handbook of Robotics_ that weighed down one side of his desk to a near-founder and opened it reverently. He had once jumped out of the window of a burning house dressed only in shorts and the _Handbook_. In a pinch, he would have skipped the shorts…” ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 11:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444/69 "2013-11-17T11:34:16Z")
> [@Largo62](#): > > For a fictional book IN a fictional book, how about Emmanuel Goldstein’s treatise on geopolitical realities in Orwell’s “1984”? Beat you to it. See [post 8](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=16764115&postcount=8). ---
**Author:** ![harmonicamoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/65b543/32.png) [@harmonicamoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmonicamoon)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444/70 "2013-11-17T16:05:53Z")
\*The Annotated Adventures of Alice in Wonderland \* Never get tired of reading it. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444/71 "2013-11-17T17:10:24Z")
> [@harmonicamoon](#): > > \*The Annotated Adventures of Alice in Wonderland \* > Never get tired of reading it. The book itself exists, though, doesn’t it…? ---
**Author:** ![harmonicamoon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/65b543/32.png) [@harmonicamoon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/harmonicamoon)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2013, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444/72 "2013-11-17T17:26:34Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > The book itself exists, though, doesn’t it…? Yup, it is available. I like the annotated version because it explains Lewis Carroll’s mathematical interjections into the novel as well as some hysterical events of the era. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2013, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444/73 "2013-11-18T15:42:06Z")
You read the OP for this thread, right…? ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2013, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444/74 "2013-11-18T16:13:13Z")
Being a huge John Irving fan, I’d like Jenny Field’s Sexual Suspect, all of her son Garp’s books and Ellen James’s books of poetry, including Speeches Delivered to Children and Plants. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2013, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444/75 "2013-11-18T22:17:59Z")
**The Sealed Book** , from the radio series of the same name. Tom Riddle’s diary, from the Harry Potter series. And the Dragon Scroll, from **Kung Fu Panda**. ---
**Author:** ![D.E.S.K.Top668](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f07891/32.png) [@D.E.S.K.Top668](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D.E.S.K.Top668)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2013, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444/76 "2013-11-19T00:37:41Z")
> [@Max\_Torque](#): > > [snip] > Tom Riddle’s diary, from the Harry Potter series.[/snip] Hhhmmm, I agree. In fact, There could probably be an entire section of the multidimensional Dewey Decimal System devoted to the Potterverse. Please keep them coming - DESK ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [November 24, 2013, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444/77 "2013-11-24T05:51:14Z")
I just read Gideon Defoe’s _The Pirates! In an Adventure with Ahab_ and _The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists_, a deliriously silly two-books-in-one publication, and it includes a listing of several dozen other such books, most of which have not yet and probably never will be written. Some of my favorites are: _The Pirates! In an Adventure with Rasputin The Pirates! In an Adventure with Ice Cream The Pirates! In an Adventure with Rabbis The Pirates! In an Adventure with Rabbits The Pirates! In an Adventure with the Stock Market The Pirates! In an Adventure with Heavy Petting The Pirates! In an Adventure with Prussians The Pirates! In an Adventure with the Pope The Pirates! In an Adventure with the Political Supremacy of the Bourgeoisie The Pirates! In an Adventure with Risk Management The Pirates! In an Adventure with Public Sanitation The Pirates! In an Adventure with the Special Olympics The Pirates! In an Adventure with Jennifer Garner The Pirates! In an Adventure with Lazy Post-Modernism The Pirates! In an Adventure with Brockwell Infant School The Pirates! In an Adventure with the Dignity of Labour_ (Parts 1-4) _The Pirates! In an Adventure with Mormons The Pirates! Did Not Mean to Say That Out Loud The Pirates! In an Adventure with Richard Nixon The Pirates! In an Adventure with Shaft The Pirates! In an Adventure with a Damp Smell The Pirates! Commit a Series of Horrific Atrocities The Pirates! In an Adventure with Lingerie The Pirates! In an Adventure with Your Mother The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates The Pirates! Are Overdoing It a Bit_ And on and on… ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2013, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444/78 "2013-11-25T01:34:16Z")
_The Holy Book of Universal Truth and Other Humorous Anecdotes,_ scripture of the United Church of Alan Dean Foster’s Humanx Commonwealth. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2013, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444/79 "2013-11-25T04:17:43Z")
_The Heterodyne Boys and the Race to the West Pole!_ And, of course, _Trelawney Thorpe, Spark of the Realm!_ ---
**Author:** ![RearEchelon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b4bc9f/32.png) [@RearEchelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RearEchelon)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2013, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444/80 "2013-11-25T05:28:33Z")
Hell’s Bible, from the film _Constantine_. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-stock-the-ultimate-fictional-library/671444.md?page=5)