# Help me teach my son or am I being unreasonable? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 2, 2013, 11:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615 "2013-04-02T11:06:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Sensualips](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7c8e57/32.png) [@Sensualips](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sensualips)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 11:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615/21 "2013-04-02T11:52:42Z")
> [@Telemark](#): > > Are you planning on ignoring all the responses that you weren’t waiting for? Paying rent is the right thing to do here. You’re 24, start acting like an adult. Again, constructive criticism please. And if you have been reading I have been replying to them. I won’t be responding to anymore “bashing” replies. Thank you ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/22080_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615/22 "2013-04-02T11:53:10Z")
As far as I’m concerned, a parent has the responsibility to support and care for any offspring for 18 years (or thru college, if so inclined.) Part of that responsibility is teaching the child responsibility, which includes doing a share of household chores and gradually becoming self-sufficient. For example, we were told that we could get our driver’s license as soon as we could pay for our own insurance and gas. Once the offspring is graduated and employed, the child is now an adult and as such, needs to assume adult responsibilities, including day-to-day living expenses like rent and groceries. Even being able to dip into Mommy and Daddy National Bank needs to be a formalized arrangement - my folks bought my first car for me and I paid them back, with interest equal to what their savings had been earning. That (loans with interest) is life in the adult world. Granted, every situation is different, but in general, once a person is a functional adult, it’s time to accept all facets of adulthood, whether fun, liberating, or _“not fair!!!”_ Responsible adults pay their own way, clean up after themselves, and launder their own underwear, or pay someone else to do it. And _that’s_ what we all longed for when we were kids. ---
**Author:** ![Sensualips](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7c8e57/32.png) [@Sensualips](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sensualips)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615/23 "2013-04-02T11:55:29Z")
> [@bienville](#): > > Yeah, do this. Paying your mother rent is the second best option, but then she’s still in the unfortunate position of having to live with you- and on this messageboard we are not allowed to wish harm on another poster, so I can’t vote for that option. > Move out. Yeah do what, move out? You being slightly unclear and how is it unfortunate to live with me? I am honestly curious. ---
**Author:** ![slumtrimpet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@slumtrimpet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slumtrimpet)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 11:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615/24 "2013-04-02T11:59:20Z")
Mom here - with a kid that moved back home for a while and didn’t contribute. You have no idea how wearing that can be . My suggestion - Kid: Pay rent or move out. If you can’t manage a monetary rent then do stuff in kind. It’s a house so it inevitably need maintenance. Lawn mowing? Snow shoveling? Vacuuming? Painting? Cleaning gutters? Trim the bushes? Weed the garden? Cleaning the bathroom? Assign a monetary amount to each chore and do them until you’ve equaled the rent amount. If you chose to pay rent then make sure both of you understand whether its just for a room/space or for room, board, and services (like food prepared, clean up, laundry etc). If it’s for the second then $300/month is a steal. If it’s for the first, then man up and do your share of the general chores. Mom: once you’re agreed on the arrangement, shut-up. He’s an adult (let’s hope he starts acting like it). If he doesn’t keep his end of the mutually agreed bargain, kick him out. Don’t nag. He’s quite obviously capable of taking care of himself so let him. Son: You are now a paying guest in this house (you were a freeloader before). Act like you would expect someone paying to live in your house to act. In other words, mom’s not your servant, she’s your landlord. Clean up after yourself. Good luck. It’s hard to break old habits. ---
**Author:** ![Sensualips](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7c8e57/32.png) [@Sensualips](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sensualips)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 11:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615/25 "2013-04-02T11:59:46Z")
To be clear, every post after the first one has been sensualip’s son. I will return later today and pending constructive responses will buy my own account and respond if I see that helpful replies are sent in. Thank you for the majority of you people being helpful! ---
**Author:** ![bienville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4bbf92/32.png) [@bienville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bienville)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 12:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615/26 "2013-04-02T12:04:40Z")
> [@Sensualips](#): > > how is it unfortunate to live with me? I am honestly curious. You’re selfish, entitled, rude, and disrespectful. ---
**Author:** ![Sensualips](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7c8e57/32.png) [@Sensualips](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sensualips)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615/27 "2013-04-02T12:06:31Z")
> [@bienville](#): > > You’re selfish, entitled, rude, and disrespectful. Please explain? ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 12:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615/28 "2013-04-02T12:07:24Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Son, I don’t want this to come off as harsh, but you’re pathetic. > [@Sensualips](#): > > I would like constructive criticism please, this is from what I hear a reputable and intelligent forum. Please respond as such. My criticism was meant to be constructive. Pathetic is the kindest descriptor I could come up with. Sorry if the truth hurts. ---
**Author:** ![bienville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4bbf92/32.png) [@bienville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bienville)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 12:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615/29 "2013-04-02T12:08:32Z")
> [@Sensualips](#): > > Please explain? . . . and a troll. ---
**Author:** ![Sensualips](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7c8e57/32.png) [@Sensualips](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sensualips)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615/30 "2013-04-02T12:12:18Z")
> [@bienville](#): > > . . . and a troll. I am not sure how your conclusions are made, but for your reference I shall enlighten you. I am honestly just trying to find out what is the basis behind your claim. > **[Troll (slang)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Troll_%28Internet%29)** > > In slang, a troll is a person who posts deliberately offensive or provocative messages online (such as in social media, a newsgroup, a forum, a chat room, an online video game) or who performs similar behaviors in real life. The methods and motivations of trolls can range from benign to sadistic. These messages can be inflammatory, insincere, digressive, extraneous, or off-topic, and may have the intent of provoking others into displaying emotional responses, or manipulating others' perc In t... ---
**Author:** ![saje](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saje/32/3631_2.png) [@saje](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saje)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615/31 "2013-04-02T12:16:03Z")
You don’t need to buy an account, you can sign up for free. Now, you are an adult and you have your own business. It’s time to act your age and pay your mother some rent, and, (since she’s not just a landlord but your roommate & mother too and therefore you owe her a modicum of respect) do your share of chores. I’m astonished that this even needs to be said, but I guess the sense of entitlement these days has reached epidemic proportions. ---
**Author:** ![stpauler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@stpauler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stpauler)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615/32 "2013-04-02T12:23:33Z")
> [@Sensualips](#): > > His father has not contacted him since 1996 ad he has had no male role models. I am sorry, but I hate hate hate this idea that a person’s role model has to have matching genitalia. Speaking though of genders, I’m trying to figure out why this went from “my” to “her”… > [@Sensualips](#): > > I am a single mother who is unemployed, going back to school and rented out three rooms in **her** house to strangers to pay for **her** to survive. > [@Sensualips](#): > > I am a single mother who is unemployed [QUOTE=Sensualips’ Son] I put roughly $5000 monthly back in my business and am responsible for 2 employees and 2 contracted employees [/QUOTE] How about this, hire your mom? 😛 A couple questions/thoughts: 1. If **Sensualips’ Son** (that name sounds so creepy to me) moved out, would **Sensualips** be able to rent out that room instead? 2. Let’s say mom allows son to stay rent-free on the basis of starting up two more locations. What’s the timeline? A week? A month? A year? 3. Also, this $94000 a year figure. Lemme get all Shark Tank in here. Is that money going into son’s pocket or is it money that is directly going back into growing the business? 4. No matter what though, chores are chores. And wherever you live, you have to pitch in. This is coming from someone who grew up never having to do chores even when I wanted to. I was quite spoiled. ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615/33 "2013-04-02T12:24:17Z")
> [@Sensualips](#): > > … I can in turn provide the security she deserves in her later years. You aren’t helping right now; why should she count on you helping later? “Start acting like an adult,” is constructive criticism, whether you like it or not. ---
**Author:** ![Iggy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iggy/32/3364_2.png) [@Iggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Iggy)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615/34 "2013-04-02T12:24:42Z")
There simply needs to be a mutually acceptable arrangement that each party can live up to. Get creative, but be sure both of you can agree what the arrangement should be. Don’t want to do chores? Then pay someone to come in an clean up, do laundry and such. Can’t pay cash rent? Then ask if mom is willing to accept a defined equity stake in the business in lieu of rent for a set period of time. Divide up expenses in some other way that is agreeable. Maybe you don’t pay “rent” but instead assume all costs for groceries for both of you as well as gas and oil changes for mom’s car. Whatever you agree on, each of you must live up to it without whining. ---
**Author:** ![Sensualips](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7c8e57/32.png) [@Sensualips](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sensualips)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615/35 "2013-04-02T12:26:47Z")
This is Sensualips now. I have allowed my son access so that he might learn from all of you. I am sure all of you understand that “children” seldom listen to their parents and unless they hear it from someone they respect, they will argue forever. This forum is one place he and I both respect. I am getting older, I have diabetes and I have had 7 vertebrae operated on so stress is something I really try to avoid. I sincerely apologize if he has offended anyone particularly bienville. We have been arguing this since I was laid off last December. He did pay me for 10 days but has not since. Please understand, I love my son dearly. It has shamed me that he thinks he is entitled to the things I do for him. It should not be expected of me, it should be appreciated. Not only from me, but from ANYONE he accepts help from. ---
**Author:** ![SirGladstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/97f17d/32.png) [@SirGladstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SirGladstone)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615/36 "2013-04-02T12:34:06Z")
> [@stpauler](#): > > I am sorry, but I hate hate hate this idea that a person’s role model has to have matching genitalia. > > Speaking though of genders, I’m trying to figure out why this went from “my” to “her”… > > How about this, hire your mom? 😛 > > A couple questions/thoughts: > > 1. If **Sensualips’ Son** (that name sounds so creepy to me) moved out, would **Sensualips** be able to rent out that room instead? > > 2. Let’s say mom allows son to stay rent-free on the basis of starting up two more locations. What’s the timeline? A week? A month? A year? > > 3. Also, this $94000 a year figure. Lemme get all Shark Tank in here. Is that money going into son’s pocket or is it money that is directly going back into growing the business? > > 4. No matter what though, chores are chores. And wherever you live, you have to pitch in. This is coming from someone who grew up never having to do chores even when I wanted to. I was quite spoiled. I was unaware that this was free as I was at home on my phone, I am now at my office and will post in between clients. Answers: 1. Yes, although I think it would be best for her to answer why she wouldn’t rent it out even if I were to move out. 2. That’s a good point (I am writing down all the good ideas as we speak that are interesting and that we haven’t thought of yet) 3)94000 is my last 12 month of gross income 3. chores have been done regularly but not as consistent as I would like to be honest 4. I tried hiring her (not legally) and in the first week and a half of employment her obligation to the job did not work out I also agree about the gender inequality of role models, I have looked up to my mother for the longest time but there has been some miscommunication along the way and herself and I have both lost something. ---
**Author:** ![SirGladstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/97f17d/32.png) [@SirGladstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SirGladstone)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615/37 "2013-04-02T12:37:35Z")
> [@Frank](#): > > You aren’t helping right now; why should she count on you helping later? > > “Start acting like an adult,” is constructive criticism, whether you like it or not. I was and currently am helping in any way I can. As I responded to someone else, not nearly as much as I would like to. ---
**Author:** ![Sensualips](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7c8e57/32.png) [@Sensualips](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sensualips)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615/38 "2013-04-02T12:40:55Z")
I also want to thank all of you for your responses and welcome more opinions or stories as this has been enlightening. When I grew up, I was an orphan at 15 and had to fend for myself on the streets. Rearing three kids has not been easy, but I think I’ve done the best I could. He is a great kid, no drugs, not even smoking. But on this note… To StPauler: " I’m trying to figure out why this went from “my” to “her”…" In my original post I was trying to be objective while describing my situation. When I am stressed it is difficult for me to get my thoughts out clearly. He knows this. ---
**Author:** ![SirGladstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/97f17d/32.png) [@SirGladstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SirGladstone)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615/39 "2013-04-02T12:42:23Z")
To make things even more clear, I am not sure where my mother is getting this I don’t feel I should pay thing, but it is more about how she treats me is why I don’t want to live there anymore. I figured another 300 while she finds someone to rent my room would be helpful to her. I do have the ability to get my own apartment. (not to sound like a #@#) ---
**Author:** ![saje](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/saje/32/3631_2.png) [@saje](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saje)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2013, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615/40 "2013-04-02T12:46:33Z")
Are you paying rent? Or working off your keep? Sounds like you need to move out pronto. Best for both of you, best for your relationship. (SirGladstone, you are the son, right?) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-teach-my-son-or-am-i-being-unreasonable/654615.md?page=3)