Help me think of ways to abuse Star Trek tech.

Or, even better:

Use a replicator to replicate … MORE REPLICATORS! And have each replicator programmed to replicate replicators that are programmed to start replicating replicators as soon as they come into existence.

By the end of the day, you’d have enough replicators to fill the known universe.

The replicators do just fine. All that epsiode proves is that there are still New Yorkers in the 25th century. :smiley:

Heh. “Prime Directive.” Prime Suggestion is more like it. It seems like they violate it more often than they uphold it.

But… I thought they were supposed to be ‘advanced’ in the future?

You mean like they do in almost every episode?

How about ST: Insurrection?

“They have the technology, we have the planet.”

Yes. Yes, the Federation had a planet that they did not know existed, had not contacted, had no citizens on, and were planning to steal. The only difference between the Federation and any other star Empire, like the Romulans is that the Federation is dishonest about it. Which seems to upset Picard to no end.

First, you don’t need to store the transporter patterns. All you need to do is suppress the procedure by which the person’s current body is annihilated, and you 've got two exact copies.

Second, of course it’d ruin the storytelling. If it wouldn’t, it wouldn’t qualify as abusing the Star Trek technology, would it? :slight_smile:


Could this also be used to effectively stop the aging process?

Much like Arnold Rimmer?

Set phasers on clitoral stimulation. :slight_smile:

Except for the phaser-cutting phasers, of course.

I suppose even phaser-cutting phaser technology could be “abused.” If you shine a phaser-cutting phaser at a mirror so that the beam bounces back and hits the phaser, would it cut itself?

… which you could only do if you’d rigged the shuttle to exceed the “Transwarp Threshold.”

Like they did in the Voyager episode “Threshold.”

Whose only side effect was that the occupants slowly turned into giant salamanders.

… and could be turned back into humans with a simple hypospray.

So, naturally, Voyager immediately abandoned this technology which would have allowed all of them to get home! :mad:

If there’s any Treknology ripe for abuse, this Transwarp propulsion they discovered-then-never-talked-of-again is it.

Replace that hot, new med chick’s…er, crewmate’s…communicator with a cloaking device. At the press of a button or specially uttered command, she is suddenly wearing the emporer’s new clothes and a new shade of all-over blush.

Order the ship’s computer to play Disaster Area’s (from HHGTTG) newest string of hits through the communicator dish (using it as a speaker), aim it at the nearest planet of paying customers and let it blast. Double up for stereo effect.

For my poor man’s planetbuster: The idea is not necessarily to drop a rock on a planet at warp speed (althought it would be cool). The idea is to give the rock lots of velocity via towing before it enters warp speed. I’m not sure how the laws of conservation of momentum would work in this instance.

Evil Plan:

  1. Modifiy a transporter so that it “clones” people. Alter the patterns slightly so that the clones are harder to detect by scanning for the originals’ sensor signatures, brainwaves, etc.
  2. Take clones(or originals who won’t be missed) and throw them into a Holodeck with a brainwashing program, or alter the transport program to replace appropriate portions of the brain with “appropriately programmed” positronics(see DS9 post above).
  3. Keep a copy or two of Counselor Troi for myself, sell the rest on the Orion Slave Market.
  4. Set up file-sharing service to trade or sell desireable transporter patterns.
  5. Sit back and count money.

Not So Evil Plan:
Create such pseudo-persons, make them just less than truly sentient to avoid slavery charges, program them for lust and obedience. This would revolutionize the blow-up sex doll industry. You wouldn’t need a holodeck since they would be self-contained.

Phaser beams seem to be easily dodged. Why don’t Our Heroes reset for wide-angle stun?
“Dodge this.”

One of my gripes with ST is that the group always gets stranded on a Hostile Planet with no survival gear. If their phasers, communicators, and tricorders don’t violate the Prime Directive; then a few packets of emergency rations, some matches, and a water purifier won’t.

As I understand the Replicator Abuse Problem, large, dense, and/or complex objects require exponentially increasing amounts of energy to produce. Thus, it is more energy effiicient to simply manufacture exotic drugs, complex electronics, super-alloy I-beams, or starships than it is to replicate them. You could still use a replicator in an emergency to make a left-handed reciprocating tri-axial frammistat if you didn’t have one in the spare parts bin. The process would use a buttload of energy and probably require some Heroic Last Minute Power Supply Modifications by the Ship’s Engineer.

Some selections from Vows every Starfleet captain should take, © 2002 by John VanSickle (scroll down the Hero page):

I will design my ship’s tactical systems so that I do not have to personally direct every single shot fired.
I will put surge suppressors in the circuitry of my ship, so that a shot striking some distant portion does not cause a control panel on the bridge to explode.
I will design my ships so that command and control functions cannot be hot-wired from a wall panel in the recreation bay.
I will design redundancy into all ship systems, so that the loss of one component will not cripple the entire vessel.
I will install seatbelts in my space vessels, and have pressure suits and pressure locks at regular intervals.
If a member of my crew can perfectly mimic my voice giving the commands to take control of my ship, additional security measures they cannot mimic will be added, such as palmprints or retinal scans.
When beaming into hostile territory I will instruct my transporter chief to beam me into a defensible position, with the landing party facing outwards in a circle. I will have my weapon in my hand (not my pocket) before I beam down.
If I beam off of a vessel that is still hostile, I will arrange to leave behind as large an explosive device as I can obtain.
If my ship is whisked to the far side of the galaxy, leaving us with a seventy-year journey home, and a super-being offers to take us home instantly in exchange for having his baby, I’ll agree and ask what we can get for two babies.
Anyone I imprison will be stripped, scanned, and given a prison uniform. This will prevent them from assembling weapons from pieces hidden in their regular clothes.

I remembered this and found it online. Wow! I actually found what I was looking for on the Internet.

“Star Trek Future, According to Scott Adams”

Written by Scott Adams, published in “The Dilbert Future” by HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997.
Please keep this notice with the text if you forward it by e-mail.

There are so many Star Trek™ spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.

Medical Technology
On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I’m happy that it’s not easy to close other people’s orifices.

It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won’t add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop. I don’t think they’ll be double-checking the transporter coordinates. They’ll be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies.

‘Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday.’

If I could beam things from one place to another, I’d never leave the house. I’d sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house. I’m fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I’d beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I’d beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor’s garage.

If I were watching the news on television and didn’t like what I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I’d never worry about ‘keeping up with the Joneses,’ because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that’s only after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life. There’s only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.

For those of you who only watched the ‘old’ Star Trek, the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I’d close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister. Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren’t enough holodecks to go around, I’d get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I’d feel tense about it, but that’s exactly why I’d need a massage. I’m afraid the holodeck will be society’s last invention.

Sex with Aliens
According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It’s hard enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong move and you’re suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a galactic-sized mistake.

Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
Me:     May I touch that?
Alien:  That is not an erogenous zone. It is a  separate corporeal being that has been attached to my body for six hundred years.
 Me:     It's cute. I wonder if it would let me have sex with it.
 Alien:   That's exactly what I said six hundred years ago.

The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I don’t have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically, the future won’t be that convenient.

I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I’d zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap! On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the ‘alien possession’ defense is credible.

Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed by an evil alien entity.
Officer: Well, okay. Move along.

I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor’s dog likes to stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbor’s dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn’t make much noise, so it wouldn’t disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I’ll explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor’s dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible. And if that doesn’t work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.

Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot of trips. From what I’ve seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think you’d use most. I’d love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I’d like that. I’d program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear in my viewfinder that said ‘Target Locked On.’ It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All I’d have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day long. I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg. The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you’re at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an important business meeting, so you can’t make it to the service.

I wish I had an invisible force field. I’d use it all the time, especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal space. In fact, I’d probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with. I wouldn’t need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun.

    Shopping with Shields Up
    Me:          Ring this up for me, you unpleasant cretin.
    Saleswoman:     I oughta slug you!
    Me:          Try it. My shields are up.
    Saleswoman:     Damn!
    Me:          There's nothing you can do to harm me.
    Saleswoman:     I guess you're right. Would you like to open a charge account? Our interest rates are very reasonable.
    Me:          Nice try.

Long-Range Sensors
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that means extra break time.

Vulcan Death Grip
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident. ‘I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.’ I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You wouldn’t be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in corporate America would be, ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t give you a bigger raise, but . . . erk!’ And that’s why the future won’t be like Star Trek.

Written by Scott Adams, published in “The Dilbert Future” by
HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997.
Please keep this notice with the text.

“Devil’s Due”

“Assignment: Earth” (Gary Seven)

The TNG episode where they saved Dr. Pulaski from the aging disease with her old DNA. Proved anyone can live forever.

Yes, I am a Star Trek geek at heart… :o

And Elmer, it’s generally frowned upon here to post copyrighted information, even with the copyright notice. FYI.

My mistake. I thought that it would be OK with an acknowledgement of copyright.

Transporters are the ultimate weapon system. As a first approximation, suppose you beamed away a section of your opponent’s hull. I hear the objections about shields stopping transporters, but that’s not relevant. Shields don’t actually stop transporters, they just scramble the signal. So if you try to transport a person through a shield, you’re likely end up with just a quivering blob of protoplasm… But it’ll be a quivering blob of protoplasm on the other side of the shield. So, we can still transport away hull sections, since we don’t care what happens to it.

But we can do far better. After all, how does a transporter work? It converts matter to energy at the source end, moves the energy, and then converts it back into matter at the receiving end. Suppose that we beam up a section of enemy hull, but skip steps 2 and 3. Just leave all that energy right there.


At first I thought this was a weapon they used.

Then on second thought, it would be a great weapon!

Just connect up the replicators to the transporters and let it spew!

They already used that as a plotline in TNG. In my mind that was the epitome of insanity with the Trek writers. Come up with a new technology in order to solve the imminent problem, only to ignore it later.