# Help me understand this woman **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 10, 2010, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675 "2010-04-10T22:39:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Waffle\_Decider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/77aa72/32.png) [@Waffle\_Decider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waffle_Decider)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/1 "2010-04-10T22:39:32Z")
I confess that I’m never very good with the ladies, and maybe I can use some advice from fellow dopers. I haven’t been involved after the breakup with my last girlfriend many, many years ago, but recently I started looking again. So anyway, there’s this lady that I met online. It seems that we have a lot in common. We chatted on the phone earlier in the week, and I thought it went pretty well. I asked if she wanted to go for a cup of coffee on Saturday. She said yes, but she asked me to call back on Friday to confirm a time, because she wasn’t sure about her schedule yet. So I called her on Friday, and asked her if she’s available at 3 on Saturday. She said it should be ok, but she had plans later in the day and she needed to double-check with her friend first. She said she would call me right back. She never called. I called her couple hours later, she didn’t answer the phone, and I just left her a quick message asking her what’s up. At that point, I thought she was probably not interested anymore and was just blowing me off, which is fine. I understand stuff like this happen. I was ready to move on with my life. However, she sent me an email this morning. She apologized that she missed my call last night, and she said that she did want to meet up later in the afternoon. However, she said she would be having brunch with her friends, and she needed to “check” when she’d be available. I told her that’s ok, just let me know when she’s ready. The day is almost over now, and I still haven’t heard from her. So, what do you think? Is she interested or not? Is she playing mind game with me? Or is she just a very flaky girl? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/2 "2010-04-10T22:42:54Z")
You were a back up plan. It’s nothing personal–she liked you, just not quite as much as she liked whoever she was hoping would come through. Just move on. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/3 "2010-04-10T22:55:46Z")
> [@Waffle\_Decider](#): > > she sent me an email this morning. She apologized that she missed my call last night, and she said that she did want to meet up later in the afternoon. If you haven’t erased that e-mail yet, I’d love to see this thread accumulate Doper suggestions of messages you could copy & paste and hit “reply” ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/4 "2010-04-10T23:01:54Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > You were a back up plan. It’s nothing personal–she liked you, just not quite as much as she liked whoever she was hoping would come through. Just move on. I wish it weren’t so. But it sounds like it. ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/5 "2010-04-10T23:03:45Z")
Patience. Maybe she’s just got a lot of shit going on. Don’t push too hard; I would advise wait for her to contact you and set something up. Meantime, keep looking. Eggs in one basket… ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/6 "2010-04-10T23:07:25Z")
At\* best\*, she’s thoughtless and flaky. Behavior doesn’t have to have evil intent to be wrong. I would not want anything further to do with someone that did this, but that’s my standard. If you have a different standard then that’s okay, too. But I’m willing to bet that you deserve better than thoughtless and flaky. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/7 "2010-04-10T23:10:45Z")
> [@DCnDC](#): > > Patience. Maybe she’s just got a lot of shit going on. Don’t push too hard; I would advise wait for her to contact you and set something up. Meantime, keep looking. Eggs in one basket… She leaves him hanging not once, but twice, within a few days of each other. Yes, she might have a lot on her plate. But my guess is that it’s competition that’s being served. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/8 "2010-04-10T23:16:57Z")
It’s possible she just has a lot of other stuff going on, she could be flaky, she might not be that in to you and she’s trying to be nice about it. If I were you, I’d send her an email along the lines of…scratch that. She knows you want to see her so the ball is in her court, personally, I would just keep looking and wait for her to contact you. BTW, the email would have been something along the lines of “Hey, I assume you got tied up with your friends this morning, gimme a call or an email if you want to get together” and leave it at that, if you’re a bit more interested in her give her a sense of when you’d be available “anytime/Monday and Wednesday nights and Thursdays afternoons work for me/etc…” as this makes it really easy for her since all she has to do is pick a day that works for her. Don’t forget, even if there is someone else, she might not be seeing him a week from now. So you could even wait a few days and then send the email. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/9 "2010-04-10T23:28:38Z")
In this type of situation, if I really thought the person could be worth it, I’ve been known to send them an email letting them know that I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt that they’re not purposely being a flake, and that once they have things more together, they were welcome to contact me to see if I’m still available. It’s appreciated by the other person if they really aren’t being a flake on purpose but things have just gotten too busy or whatever, and lets the ones that are being flaky on purpose know that I’m done with it. ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/10 "2010-04-10T23:30:36Z")
I’d have thought she was setting up an escape plan/chaperone in case you turn out to be, well less than she’d hoped. ---
**Author:** ![Waffle\_Decider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/77aa72/32.png) [@Waffle\_Decider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waffle_Decider)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/11 "2010-04-10T23:34:10Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > You were a back up plan. It’s nothing personal–she liked you, just not quite as much as she liked whoever she was hoping would come through. Just move on. I haven’t thought about it from that angle (I was thinking it was either a yes or a no), but given the circumstances, yes, that does sound very plausible. ☹ Bummer, because she’s actually the best one I’ve met so far. But I guess it’s time to move on… ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/12 "2010-04-10T23:36:26Z")
Well, like **Joey P** says, if it’s another new guy, there’s a good chance it won’t work out, and then your email happens to show up and wham! rebound sex. ---
**Author:** ![Cuckoorex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ad7895/32.png) [@Cuckoorex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cuckoorex)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/13 "2010-04-10T23:39:17Z")
You’ve shown interest in her; now feign disinterest and see how she reacts. If she just gets off on being pursued ( and I have known some women who are like that) then maybe you should just move on. If she a actually is interested in you, she’ll contact you before long. ---
**Author:** ![Chickie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de053/32.png) [@Chickie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chickie)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/14 "2010-04-10T23:40:00Z")
I’ve flaked from time to time on first dates from online dating, not because I didn’t like them, but because, before you meet someone, they take lowest priority in your life. I would postpone dates and such if something better came up that night. I _like_ online dating and all, but I wouldn’t turn down an impromptu outing with friends to say, “sorry, I’m meeting someone from the internet tonight”. Or I’d be all into meeting someone THIS WEEK and then my mood would change and I would feel too depressed or too pathetic or whatever to go on any dates at all, so any poor guys that were angling for a date with me would get put off. It’s ABSOLUTELY nothing personal. Definitley let her know you still exist, in a casual way. At this point, her online dating is taking a backseat to the rest of her life. She probably has very good intentions to meet you! You just have to try again to hit her at the right time, or else decide she’s not worth the hassle. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/15 "2010-04-10T23:41:50Z")
> [@Chickie](#): > > I’ve flaked from time to time on first dates from online dating, not because I didn’t like them, but because, before you meet someone, they take lowest priority in your life. I would postpone dates and such if something better came up that night. I _like_ online dating and all, but I wouldn’t turn down an impromptu outing with friends to say, “sorry, I’m meeting someone from the internet tonight”. Or I’d be all into meeting someone THIS WEEK and then my mood would change and I would feel too depressed or too pathetic or whatever to go on any dates at all, so any poor guys that were angling for a date with me would get put off. It’s ABSOLUTELY nothing personal. This is really what I wanted to say, but I didn’t know how to put it without sounding like _I’m_ a flake. This absolutely could be it and yep, it’s nothing personal. ---
**Author:** ![Waffle\_Decider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/77aa72/32.png) [@Waffle\_Decider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waffle_Decider)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/16 "2010-04-10T23:49:53Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > At\* best\*, she’s thoughtless and flaky. Behavior doesn’t have to have evil intent to be wrong. I would not want anything further to do with someone that did this, but that’s my standard. If you have a different standard then that’s okay, too. But I’m willing to bet that you deserve better than thoughtless and flaky. Yeah, it’s really not nice flaking out and leaving a guy hanging like this. There’s really no excuse for promising to call me right back in a few minutes and then just disappear into the ether, and I’m not sure I want to get involved with people who do that… ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/17 "2010-04-10T23:52:38Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > This is really what I wanted to say, but I didn’t know how to put it without sounding like _I’m_ a flake. This absolutely could be it and yep, it’s nothing personal. As long as you realize that that does, in fact, make you a bit of a flake. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/18 "2010-04-11T01:05:11Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > As long as you realize that that does, in fact, make you a bit of a flake. :rolleyes: \ After a while, online dating starts to become sort of impersonal. Until I’ve actually _met_ you, I really don’t owe you anything. If I’m hanging out with my friends and they come up with a better invitation, I’m not going to dump them to go meet up with someone I don’t even know. Flaky, oh well- that’s online dating. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/19 "2010-04-11T01:13:13Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > Don’t forget, even if there is someone else, she might not be seeing him a week from now. So you could even wait a few days and then send the email. In order to get the same runaround? I’m afraid that the only guidance for the o.p. is to grow a thicker skin. As several female posters have already been honest enough to illuminate for you, this kind of flakitude is lamentedly common; I get flaked on or stood up more than half the time with dates arranged online. The near complete anonymity of online dating seems to encourage the worst sort of craptastic behavior in this vein. See the above post for a perfect example thereof. The only helpful advice I can offer is instead of setting dates, just indicate that you’ll be at \ at \ (someplace you would go and do something by yourself anyway) and you’d be happy if she’d join you. Then, when she doesn’t show, you can go ahead and just do whatever you would normally do anyway. Then, it’s not much of a loss (of time at least) when she doesn’t show. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/20 "2010-04-11T01:16:49Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > \ After a while, online dating starts to become sort of impersonal. Until I’ve actually _met_ you, I really don’t owe you anything. If I’m hanging out with my friends and they come up with a better invitation, I’m not going to dump them to go meet up with someone I don’t even know. Flaky, oh well- that’s online dating. That’s just a way of rationalizing immoral behavior. You’re treating the person you’ve never met as if they are less of a person than one you have. This isn’t flakiness, it’s bigotry. The idea of keeping your commitments has nothing to do with what you owe the other person. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675.md?page=2)