# Help me understand this woman **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 10, 2010, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675 "2010-04-10T22:39:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/21 "2010-04-11T01:18:42Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > In order to get the same runaround? Not necessarily, the way I see it this could have three results. 1)She IS a flake, she schedules another date then backs out. It’s probably just how she is in real life, it’s up to you to decide if you’re okay with that. 2)She’s not flake, there’s other things or people in her life, she liked you but just wasn’t ready to meet you for any one of a million reasons, and she calls again and sets up a real date. 3)She was trying to let you down nicely, she won’t reply to this email and that’ll be that. This is why I suggested sending one final email and then moving forward with your life. If she writes back, great, if not you weren’t putting your life on hold for nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/22 "2010-04-11T01:23:24Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > \ After a while, online dating starts to become sort of impersonal. Until I’ve actually _met_ you, I really don’t owe you anything. If I’m hanging out with my friends and they come up with a better invitation, I’m not going to dump them to go meet up with someone I don’t even know. Uh, yes you do owe something. At a minimum, you owe someone with whom you’ve made prior arrangements at least the base courtesy of notice that you’re not going to be available to make the planned engagement. I find it hard to conceive that you’d treat a date–someone who has at least made sufficient effort to attract your interest and arrange his schedule to meet–with less courtesy than you’d treat an anonymous salesman. What kind of mangled code of civil conduct did you learn growing up? Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Waffle\_Decider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/77aa72/32.png) [@Waffle\_Decider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waffle_Decider)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/23 "2010-04-11T01:36:58Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > The only helpful advice I can offer is instead of setting dates, just indicate that you’ll be at \ at \ (someplace you would go and do something by yourself anyway) and you’d be happy if she’d join you. Then, when she doesn’t show, you can go ahead and just do whatever you would normally do anyway. Then, it’s not much of a loss (of time at least) when she doesn’t show. Thanks. That sounds like a good idea. I may try that in the future. ---
**Author:** ![MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MPB_in_Salt_Lake)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/24 "2010-04-11T01:38:31Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > Uh, yes you do owe something. At a minimum, you owe someone with whom you’ve made prior arrangements at least the base courtesy of notice that you’re not going to be available to make the planned engagement. I find it hard to conceive that you’d treat a date–someone who has at least made sufficient effort to attract your interest and arrange his schedule to meet–with less courtesy than you’d treat an anonymous salesman. What kind of mangled code of civil conduct did you learn growing up? > > Stranger It seems to me that the kind of people who have an attitude on common courtesy similar to Alice The Goon’s shouldn’t be surprised to find themselves single and still looking into their 40’s… (I am pretty sure Alice once recently said she was in her mid-40’s) ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/25 "2010-04-11T01:41:38Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > 2)She’s not flake, there’s other things or people in her life, she liked you but just wasn’t ready to meet you for any one of a million reasons, and she calls again and sets up a real date. > 3)She was trying to let you down nicely, she won’t reply to this email and that’ll be that. > > This is why I suggested sending one final email and then moving forward with your life. If she writes back, great, if not you weren’t putting your life on hold for nothing. If it is option #2, then she should have at least called back or SMS’d and indicated that she wouldn’t be available this afternoon; the thirty seconds of effort that would take is scarcely a burden on even the modest emotional reserves she may employ. If it was Option #3 (which really makes no sense to me, because she had plenty of opportunity to excuse herself or even just disappear into the wind), then the obvious response is just not to contact her. Ultimately, for the o.p. it doesn’t matter whether she is constitutionally flaky or whether she is yoking him around to boost her ego; the fact remains that she has demonstrated a lack of basic courtesy and doesn’t deserve the interest or time of the o.p. It is her onus to come back and offer an apology and reschedule, else he should just move on, and get used to this, as it is more the rule than the exception. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Waffle\_Decider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/77aa72/32.png) [@Waffle\_Decider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waffle_Decider)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/26 "2010-04-11T01:42:04Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > 3)She was trying to let you down nicely, she won’t reply to this email and that’ll be that. If she was trying to be nice, I’d say she had failed miserably. She should have just made up some lame excuse, it doesn’t really matter what it is, and tell me she won’t make it. That way I wouldn’t have wasted my time waiting for her. It’s not nice to tell a guy “sure, let’s meet up this afternoon, but let me check with my friends to see when we’ll be done” and then just disappear. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/27 "2010-04-11T01:43:38Z")
> [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](#): > > It seems to me that the kind of people who have an attitude on common courtesy similar to Alice The Goon’s shouldn’t be surprised to find themselves single and still looking into their 40’s… > (I am pretty sure Alice once recently said she was in her mid-40’s) There will always be lonely guys willing to put women on pedestals and put up with this nonsense, unfortunately. Edit: As for trying to let him down nicely- exactly, what ^they^ said. If she’d said “Oh.. gee… I’m busy.. maybe some other time” as is standard dating protocol he would have gotten the hint and moved on. But no, she specifically told him that she was interested and that she would be meeting him that day- she did this _twice_. That’s leading him on. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/28 "2010-04-11T01:48:03Z")
> [@Waffle\_Decider](#): > > Thanks. That sounds like a good idea. I may try that in the future. This also allows you to be more casual, and do something rather than just sit across a table trying to make conversation with someone you don’t know and who has apparently lost the power of speech. I kind of like browsing at a book store, going to a farmers market, or meeting at an art gallery or botanical gardens because it gives you something to walk around and comment on instead. I personally find it a lot easier to be fun and engaging when my focus is on something else rather than on the woman I’m with, and I’m less likely to drive the conversation (which I find I nearly always have to do) by turning it into an interview. > [@Waffle\_Decider](#): > > If she was trying to be nice, I’d say she had failed miserably. She should have just made up some lame excuse, it doesn’t really matter what it is, and tell me she won’t make it. That way I wouldn’t have wasted my time waiting for her. It’s not nice to tell a guy “sure, let’s meet up this afternoon, but let me check with my friends to see when we’ll be done” and then just disappear. Don’t bother wasting any more time trying to figure out what is going on in her head, 'cause you’ll never know and the answer probably wouldn’t make you any happier. (Trust me, I’ve had insight into the female thought process via my female friends and it is unbelievably convoluted.) Just move on. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/29 "2010-04-11T01:55:18Z")
No, I’m not in my mid-40’s, I suffer no paucity of dates, and I’m not even the one that brought it up. I knew it would cause a bunch of panty-bunching, though. All I’m saying is, if you’ve been online dating for a while, it gets to be like the other person isn’t really human to you until after you’ve met them. Depending on how prolific you want to be, you could converse online with hundreds of people over time. I think it’s only natural and human to, at some point after doing this time after time, start to look at it like that- the real people in your life take precedence over a picture of someone online. I’m not saying I flake on people- I really don’t unless I sense danger- I’m just saying I can see how people get like that. It’s done to me all the time. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/30 "2010-04-11T02:21:53Z")
Previously on _Why Are Women Flaky?_: > [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > If I’m hanging out with my friends and they come up with a better invitation, I’m not going to dump them to go meet up with someone I don’t even know. Flaky, oh well- that’s online dating. And now: > [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I’m not saying I flake on people- I really don’t unless I sense danger- I’m just saying I can see how people get like that. So which is it? Stranger ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/31 "2010-04-11T02:31:01Z")
Quick boys, get ‘em! The wimmins are circlin’ their wagons! ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/32 "2010-04-11T02:36:52Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > Previously on _Why Are Women Flaky?_: > > And now:So which is it? > > Stranger I said I wouldn’t, I didn’t say that it comes up and I don’t. It doesn’t really come up for me- I try to meet someone I’m emailing with within a week or so, because I’m not into chatting forever and trying to establish an emotional connection first. I carefully plan my dating times, as I’m a busy woman and can’t just fly by the seat of my pants, and I don’t schedule friend-time during dating-time. So rarely would I even be telling a guy I might meet up with him later in the day- I just don’t operate like that. I plan things in advance. I was JUST saying that I could understand that mentality. Jeez! Put down the goddamn torches! ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/33 "2010-04-11T02:41:24Z")
She sounds like a flaky pain. I’d stay away from her, sorry. Strike 1: She told you to call her on Friday. This is a pet-peeve of mine, so make of it what you will, but she has a phone just as much as you do. So she doesn’t need you to call her to confirm a plan; she’s can call you. I hate it when people tell me to call them. It’s self-centered. Taken by itself, not a big deal, though. Strike 2: She said she was going to call you right back. Did she? No. That probably means she doesn’t respect you enough to do what she said she was going to do. She just wanted to get off the phone. How lame. Strike 3. There’s no reason she couldn’t have checked with her friends about brunch _prior_ to sending you that last email. If she really wanted to lock down a time a place to see you, she would have squared up her other business like an adult. ---
**Author:** ![Cubsfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Cubsfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cubsfan)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/34 "2010-04-11T02:50:59Z")
Sounds like a raging bitch-ho to me. Don’t waste your time or sperm on her. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/35 "2010-04-11T03:00:01Z")
Dude, when people show you who they really are, it’s your job to see. She’s showing you. Are you seeing? Move along and better luck next time. Don’t worry, plenty of fish in the sea and all. Can’t expect to catch a keeper on the first try, you always have to throw a couple back. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/36 "2010-04-11T03:07:14Z")
Online dating just isn’t for the tender of heart. It’s a cold, cruel world out there. You just move on and keep fishing. She’s (probably) out there, somewhere. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/37 "2010-04-11T03:09:52Z")
> [@Cubsfan](#): > > Sounds like a raging bitch-ho to me. Don’t waste your time or sperm on her. I laughed. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/38 "2010-04-11T06:07:19Z")
> [@Waffle\_Decider](#): > > Yeah, it’s really not nice flaking out and leaving a guy hanging like this. There’s really no excuse for promising to call me right back in a few minutes and then just disappear into the ether, and I’m not sure I want to get involved with people who do that… I would suggest that you really don’t want to get involved with people who do that - it wasn’t nice, and there really isn’t any excuse (barring some actual emergency). I did the online dating thing, too - I don’t think I ever flaked on a commitment I made to meet someone. That is rude, and I wasn’t raised to be rude. Kind of funny story - I thought my husband was late to our date the day we met; we arranged to meet at a restaurant with a lounge and a restaurant, and I was in the lounge, and he was in the restaurant. Punctuality and reliability is very important to both of us, and we started off with both of us thinking the other was late. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/39 "2010-04-11T06:28:34Z")
So, am I the only one who read the OP and figured she is married and trying to sneak around? She couldn’t take his call randomly (husband around). She has to reschedule at the last minute (husband wanted to do something) She has to check what her “friends” are up to (husband) Idk, maybe I’m cynical. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 7:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675/40 "2010-04-11T07:06:38Z")
> [@Chickie](#): > > I’ve flaked from time to time on first dates from online dating, not because I didn’t like them, but because, before you meet someone, they take lowest priority in your life. I would postpone dates and such if something better came up that night. I _like_ online dating and all, but I wouldn’t turn down an impromptu outing with friends to say, “sorry, I’m meeting someone from the internet tonight”. Or I’d be all into meeting someone THIS WEEK and then my mood would change and I would feel too depressed or too pathetic or whatever to go on any dates at all, so any poor guys that were angling for a date with me would get put off. It’s ABSOLUTELY nothing personal. I’m with the guys, this is an absolute shit way to treat someone. Follow through on the commitments you make, or don’t make them in the first place. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-understand-this-woman/535675.md?page=3)