# Help me write the world's NEXT highest grossing film of all time. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 26, 2008, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983 "2008-04-26T19:06:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983/1 "2008-04-26T19:06:39Z")
Inspired by [Will Titanic be unseated?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=465526) So what will it take? I’m thinking it needs the following, at minimum: A mystery to be solved. A romance to be consumated. Conflict – a threat to a hero and heroine. Tragedy – one of them has to die. A BIG fuckin’ thing (thank you, Lewis Black!) More conflict – rich vs poor, the powerful vs the helpless, some kind of class struggle. Massive special effects – boat sinks, planet explodes, big engine room or power plant of some kind. 2 hot chicks in a catfight – because as the writer, I want it. Other than this, I got nothin’. So, how about our hero? Is he another _Titanic_ Jack, just a clever, devilishly good looking Everyman caught up in a huge disaster? Or a capable expert who’s been warning everyone about impending disaster, but no one listens? Or a reclusive guy who’s designed something that no one ever had a use for – until now? ---
**Author:** ![Terminus\_Est](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terminus_est/32/3087_2.png) [@Terminus\_Est](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terminus_Est)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983/2 "2008-04-26T19:08:14Z")
Boobies. Must have boobies. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983/3 "2008-04-26T19:12:15Z")
[QUOTE=Terminus Est] Boobies. Must have boobies. [/QUOTE] Well, of course, but not so much that the rating stops the kiddies from coming. I almost said “naked cat fight” which would of course be my personal preference, until I thought about the impact on the film rating. ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983/4 "2008-04-26T19:30:01Z")
You gotta have a have a big star. How about John Wayne? Shouldn’t be a problem with some decent CGI. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983/5 "2008-04-26T19:33:24Z")
It needs to feature “In a world, out of time, one hero will emerge, with the power to change history…” et cetera. Also, big explosions, wisecracking robots, an evil mastermind and his sadistic henchman, and Kate Beckinsale in skin-tight leather. (If you can’t schedule or affford Kate Beckinsale, there are about a dozen women at any casting call that look almost exactly like her; according to [IMDB.com](http://IMDB.com), Rhona Mitra doesn’t look too scheduled up.) Oh, and Jeff Goldblum doing the same character he did in _Jurassic Park_, _Independence Day_, et cetera. It also helps if you can buy the rights to a beloved novel endorsed by Oprah Winfrey. You don’t actually have to follow the plot of the novel or anything; just use the title and the names of a few key characters. Will this give you the world’s next highest grossing film? Yes, unless it tanks and goes almost directly to video. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983/6 "2008-04-26T19:39:32Z")
I have doubts that Kate Beckinsdale has a big enough rack for the heroine role. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983/7 "2008-04-26T19:42:33Z")
[QUOTE=Boyo Jim] I have doubts that Kate Beckinsdale has a big enough rack for the heroine role. [/QUOTE] It’s all about lens selection, camera placement, and CGI post-processing. The actual cup size of the breasts has very little to do with it, really. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Horatio\_Hellpop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Horatio\_Hellpop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatio_Hellpop)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983/8 "2008-04-26T19:51:39Z")
Make it a vehicle for some mid-level young actor to try his chops as an action hero. You know, “Patrick Fugit **is** _Deathhawk From the Skies!_” For the soundtrack, have a hot producer (Rick Rubin, Timbaland) rehab the career of a reliable, formerly chart-topping, extremely affordable 90s act like Cracker or Pete Droge. Make Scarlett Johansson the associate producer. This will give her a fiscal incentive to flash her aforementioned boobies. Tina Fey, too. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983/9 "2008-04-26T19:58:11Z")
Well, I can defintely envision a Scarlett Johansson - Kate Beckinsale catfight. ---
**Author:** ![descamisado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@descamisado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/descamisado)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983/10 "2008-04-26T20:06:24Z")
[QUOTE=Tapioca Dextrin] You gotta have a have a big star. How about John Wayne? Shouldn’t be a problem with some decent CGI. [/QUOTE] For best use of CGI, wouldn’t it make more sense for it to be Arthur C. Clarke? You’ll get all the geeks and film nerds and he can have a big, climactic expository speech explaining who he is to everybody else. ---
**Author:** ![Terminus\_Est](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terminus_est/32/3087_2.png) [@Terminus\_Est](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terminus_Est)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983/11 "2008-04-26T20:07:38Z")
[QUOTE=Boyo Jim] Well, I can defintely envision a Scarlett Johansson - Kate Beckinsale catfight. [/QUOTE] I’ll be in my bunk… ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983/12 "2008-04-26T20:16:21Z")
[QUOTE=5-4-Fighting] For best use of CGI, wouldn’t it make more sense for it to be Arthur C. Clarke? You’ll get all the geeks and film nerds and he can have a big, climactic expository speech explaining who he is to everybody else. [/QUOTE] So Arthur C Clarke and John Wayne go into a bar, where they see Scarlett Johansson and Kate Beckinsale in a cat fight… ---
**Author:** ![Student\_Driver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3da27b/32.png) [@Student\_Driver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Student_Driver)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983/13 "2008-04-26T20:33:06Z")
It’s gotta have an off-beat, yet lovable, animal. One that plays sports. One that will be allowed back on a team when the local league realizes, say… walruses… aren’t _specifically banned_ by league rules. A walrus (with a broken tusk) that plays lacrosse. Oh, wait, thought you wanted the NEXT highest grossing “kidvid.” ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983/14 "2008-04-26T21:19:40Z")
[QUOTE=5-4-Fighting] For best use of CGI, wouldn’t it make more sense for it to be Arthur C. Clarke? You’ll get all the geeks and film nerds and he can have a big, climactic expository speech explaining who he is to everybody else. [/QUOTE] Really? Such old guys – not to mention dead? Not some younger hunky guy to bring out the teenage girls? I dunno who today’s male heartthrobs are… ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983/15 "2008-04-26T21:21:53Z")
[QUOTE=Terminus Est] I’ll be in my bunk… [/QUOTE] Did I mention the _almost_ transparent body stockings? And of course, they’re tearing gaps in the material almost every second… ---
**Author:** ![descamisado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@descamisado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/descamisado)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983/16 "2008-04-26T21:27:04Z")
[QUOTE=Boyo Jim] Really? Such old guys – not to mention dead? Not some younger hunky guy to bring out the teenage girls? I dunno who today’s male heartthrobs are… [/QUOTE] Gotta include some CGI, man. And Arthur C. Clarke and John Wayne in a bar scene with a bartender named HAL is just the ticket. Can I vote for Will Smith and Jake Gyllenhaal is some kind of shirtless “_Fight Club-300_” sort of scene, where they end up totally sweaty and exhausted and just grapple with each other? Something for everybody. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983/17 "2008-04-26T21:35:33Z")
[QUOTE=5-4-Fighting] Gotta include some CGI, man. And Arthur C. Clarke and John Wayne in a bar scene with a bartender named HAL is just the ticket. [/QUOTE] Well, maybe their heads in jars, like Futurama. Oh yeah. Will and Jake can beat the crap out of each other just for fun, and that wade in to the catfight and pull the women apart, quietly nodding to each other over the ridiculous behavior of women. Everybody all swaety and breathing heavily. And then the men drag the women off to shower rooms to “clean them up”. ---
**Author:** ![Terminus\_Est](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terminus_est/32/3087_2.png) [@Terminus\_Est](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terminus_Est)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983/18 "2008-04-26T21:36:26Z")
[QUOTE=Boyo Jim] Did I mention the _almost_ transparent body stockings? And of course, they’re tearing gaps in the material almost every second… [/QUOTE] Sweet Jesus, dude! I thought you were aiming for a PG-13 rating? ---
**Author:** ![descamisado](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@descamisado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/descamisado)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983/19 "2008-04-26T21:43:12Z")
[QUOTE=Boyo Jim] Well, maybe their heads in jars, like Futurama. Oh yeah. Will and Jake can beat the crap out of each other just for fun, and that wade in to the catfight and pull the women apart, quietly nodding to each other over the ridiculous behavior of women. Everybody all swaety and breathing heavily. And then the men drag the women off to shower rooms to “clean them up”. [/QUOTE] Hey, you’re the producer; I’m just a struggling writer. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2008, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983/20 "2008-04-26T21:47:44Z")
[QUOTE=Terminus Est] Sweet Jesus, dude! I thought you were aiming for a PG-13 rating? [/QUOTE] We’ll just have to be really careful about where the tears are, and how transparent “almost” is. If I have to appeal the rating, I already know who to hire as my advocate – Bill Clinton. He’s so good he can argue the meaning of “is”. Plus, if I let him watch the catfight as they film it as a technical advisor, he might even do it for free. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-me-write-the-worlds-next-highest-grossing-film-of-all-time/446983.md?page=2)