# Help! Recipe for a shitty cook required **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 1, 2013, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223 "2013-05-01T17:17:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223/21 "2013-05-01T19:47:39Z")
You can also go the no-cook route, prepare a platter with a variety of cheeses, olives, grapes, maybe a sliced pear, add a loaf of artisan french bread, and a bottle of red wine. This meal is special because of the time you spent picking out the ingredients and presenting it nicely, rather than the time you spent over the stove. And there’s almost no chance of ruining it. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223/22 "2013-05-01T19:53:57Z")
That’s the thing. I have made cold-stuff meals before. I make _mean_ grilled sandwiches and I usually prepare a fruit/cheese platter to go with them. I just want to cook something because it’s supposed to be special and I never do that (not dinner, at any rate). ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223/23 "2013-05-01T19:59:20Z")
Cheese fondue. Seriously: I know it’s a kind of 60s thing, but it’s romantic and it’s easy. First, go buy yourself an electric fondue pot and some fondue forks. They’re not all that hard to find. 12 ounces Swiss or Emmenthaler cheese, grated 6-8 ounces Gruyere cheese, grated 1-2 TBSP flour 1 clove garlic 1-1/2 cups dry white wine 1 TBSP lemon juice 1/4 cup brandy Ground nutmeg Ground pepper 1 loaf French bread, cut into 1" cubes Chunks of apple (optional) poppy seeds or sesame seeds (optional) Put the cheeses in a plastic bag and toss with the flour. Rub the inside of the pot with a split garlic clove. Pour in the wine. Heat the wine just until bubbles start to form on the bottom of the pot. Add the lemon juice. Start adding cheese by the handful, stirring each handful until it’s fairly well melted. Continue doing this until all the cheese has been added. When the cheese is completely melted, add the brandy, nutmeg and pepper (not a lot). Impale bread pieces (or other dippers) on a fork, swirl in the cheese, dip in seeds (if desired), and eat. Drink more of the white wine as you go. Lava lamp optional. ---
**Author:** ![fifty-six](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@fifty-six](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fifty-six)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223/24 "2013-05-01T20:05:45Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > Cheese fondue. Seriously: I know it’s a kind of 60s thing, but it’s romantic and it’s easy. > > [clipped] > > Lava lamp optional. I love this idea I am just not so sure if the lava lamp is optional. I have never made it that way. I suppose it might work. ---
**Author:** ![Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slow_moving_vehicle/32/291_2.png) [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slow_Moving_Vehicle)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223/25 "2013-05-01T20:15:13Z")
Simple. Just don’t wear a condom when you’re doing ana - oh, wait; you wanted a recipe for a shitty _cook_. Sorry, can’t help you there. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223/26 "2013-05-01T20:17:00Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > That’s the thing. I have made cold-stuff meals before. I make _mean_ grilled sandwiches and I usually prepare a fruit/cheese platter to go with them. I just want to cook something because it’s supposed to be special and I never do that (not dinner, at any rate). If you can get away with it, I would definitely recommend doing a trial run for yourself. I could see where it might not be practical given the situation, but if you’re not used to cooking, when you step outside your comfort zone it helps to have yourself as the only “victim.” 🙂 That said, it’s the thought that counts, and any loving spouse would appreciate the effort even if it doesn’t turn out quite right. And I like the shrimp recipes recommended. In case it’s not clear, you want to buy raw, uncooked shrimp. If it’s pink, that’s not what you want. Also, shrimp will cook very quickly, probably quicker than you think. About 3-4 minutes, usually, so pay attention to when they start changing color and tightening up into a “J” shape. And there’s nothing wrong with going to the frozen section for these. Unless you live somewhere with a shrimping industry, the shrimp you see in the “fresh fish” section of supermarkets is most likely defrosted frozen shrimp on ice, anyway. I only buy “fresh” shrimp if I don’t feel like defrosting or if they have something in the case that’s not available frozen. (And even defrosting does not take that long–maybe an hour or so if you dump them into a pot of room temperature water.) ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223/27 "2013-05-01T20:33:48Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > Cheese fondue. Seriously: I know it’s a kind of 60s thing, but it’s romantic and it’s easy. First, go buy yourself an electric fondue pot and some fondue forks. They’re not all that hard to find. Oh sweet Jesus. We have a fondue pot. Why didn’t I think of this? WINNER! [QUOTE=pulykamell] If you can get away with it, I would definitely recommend doing a trial run for yourself. I could see where it might not be practical given the situation, but if you’re not used to cooking, when you step outside your comfort zone it helps to have yourself as the only “victim.” That said, it’s the thought that counts, and any loving spouse would appreciate the effort even if it doesn’t turn out quite right. [/QUOTE] I thought I had specified in the OP, but it was a bit unclear - the anniversary (and hence dinner) is _today_. 🙂 Too late for a trial run. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223/28 "2013-05-01T20:42:38Z")
How long can I leave an electric fondue pot simmering in case she doesn’t come home from her meeting on time? ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223/29 "2013-05-01T20:50:44Z")
Why not turn it on when she arrives, and have drinks while it warms up? ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223/30 "2013-05-01T20:56:36Z")
I was kind of hoping to have it ready when she arrived so I could present her the first chunk of dipped bread with a flourish… but wine is good too. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223/31 "2013-05-01T21:08:51Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > I thought I had specified in the OP, but it was a bit unclear - the anniversary (and hence dinner) is _today_. 🙂 Too late for a trial run. Oh, wow. Way to prepare! 😉 I’m sure everything will go well. Congrats and good luck! ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223/32 "2013-05-01T21:26:00Z")
Making the fondue in front of her will make her swoon. Once you start adding the cheese, it’s only about a 5-10 minute process. Don’t let the wine boil and keep the heat on low. Keep stirring, my friend. ---
**Author:** ![arseNal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@arseNal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/arseNal)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223/33 "2013-05-01T21:45:02Z")
> [@Inner\_Stickler](#): > > Steam asparagus for a couple minutes. Try a piece. Is it tasty? Yes? Stop steaming. No? Keep steaming. Repeat until tasty = true. Need to file a bug report: if the asparagus never becomes tasty or if the testing interval is too great such that the window of tastiness is missed, you burn your house down! ---
**Author:** ![Inner\_Stickler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inner_stickler/32/318_2.png) [@Inner\_Stickler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inner_Stickler)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223/34 "2013-05-01T21:54:19Z")
Well, if your few minutes is equal to an hour or something, we got bigger issues than being a bad cook. ---
**Author:** ![fifty-six](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@fifty-six](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fifty-six)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223/35 "2013-05-01T22:22:46Z")
Do you have time to install the shag carpet and warm up the lava lamp? ---
**Author:** ![backsidejohnny](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/backsidejohnny/32/280_2.png) [@backsidejohnny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/backsidejohnny)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223/36 "2013-05-01T22:39:17Z")
The words shitty and cook should not go together. What the hell is your thing/obsession about making her dinner? Take her out to a nice restaurant! ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223/37 "2013-05-01T23:14:51Z")
> [@backsidejohnny](#): > > The words shitty and cook should not go together. > > What the hell is your thing/obsession about making her dinner? > > Take her out to a nice restaurant! Seriously. Probably too late now, but for next time and for the rest of you shitty cooks out there- for a special occasion like an anniversary, I’d much rather be taken out than made dinner by someone that can’t cook. I’m likely not the only one that feels this way. ---
**Author:** ![medstar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f07891/32.png) [@medstar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/medstar)\ **Post date:** [May 1, 2013, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223/38 "2013-05-01T23:20:26Z")
Couldn’t you just make love to your wife and promise to do it right by taking your socks off before jumping on her? Oh yeah, just take her out to dinner at a nice restaurant she hasn’t been to, then make love to her and take your socks off. When you get home, that is. ::d&r:: ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2013, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223/39 "2013-05-02T00:04:33Z")
Go to Costco. Buy their premade Cesar salad. Buy their premade shrimp salad. Dump the shrimp salad on top of the Cesar salad and mix together. That’s all. Fantastic. I made this for six people for dinner and they loved it. One of the guys now serves it all the time. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2013, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223/40 "2013-05-02T01:57:36Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > Making the fondue in front of her will make her swoon. Once you start adding the cheese, it’s only about a 5-10 minute process. Don’t let the wine boil and keep the heat on low. Keep stirring, my friend. Swooning accomplished. I owe you and everyone else in the thread many, many beers. > [@pulykamell](#): > > Oh, wow. Way to prepare! 😉 I’m sure everything will go well. Congrats and good luck! > [@backsidejohnny](#): > > The words shitty and cook should not go together. > > What the hell is your thing/obsession about making her dinner? > > Take her out to a nice restaurant! I was taking her to a nice restaurant, and then last night she found out she had a project meeting at work for a West Coast client - meaning not home until 8ish at best. As it turned out, she was home by 7. > [@medstar](#): > > Couldn’t you just make love to your wife and promise to do it right by taking your socks off before jumping on her? Socks? I live in Florida. Socks are for Eskimos. As it happened, she jumped on me. 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-recipe-for-a-shitty-cook-required/657223.md?page=3)