# Help The Onion
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [September 2, 2005, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774 "2005-09-02T18:49:29Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Long\_Time\_First\_Time](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Long_Time_First_Time)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2005, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/1 "2005-09-02T18:49:29Z")
This potential Onion headline keeps running through my mind. So I thought I’d share it with y’all and invite you to pile on and make up some others.
For The Onion, next edition:
ARMY, NATIONAL GUARD, AND PRESIDENT BUSH TO NEW ORLEANS: “SUCKS TO BE YOU.”
MISSING WHITE FEMALES PROTEST LACK OF MEDIA COVERAGE.
---
### Author:  [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2005, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/2 "2005-09-02T18:51:54Z")
New Orleans Residents Band Together To Help Their Neighbors
---
### Author:  [@Balle\_M](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balle_M)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2005, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/3 "2005-09-02T19:08:08Z")
SAINTS NO LONGER BIGGEST DISASTER TO HIT SUPERDOME
```
MARDI GRAS TO BE MOVED TO HOLLYWOOD
```
Fake Beads/Real Boobs Replaced by Real Beads/Fake Boobs
---
### Author:  [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2005, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/4 "2005-09-02T19:09:28Z")
New Orleans Clearance Sale
Nikes $25 a pair or a jug of pure water and a ham sammich.
---
### Author:  [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2005, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/5 "2005-09-02T19:16:48Z")
Blacks Trapped in New Orleans Relieved to Find Dead White Guy: “Thought this was a Genocide for a while” says one.
American Pie singer drives his Chevy to the Levee and finds that it is Dry.
Microsoft heads to New Orleans to Confiscate Looted Windows CD’s.
---
### Author:  [@THespos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/THespos)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2005, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/6 "2005-09-02T19:22:41Z")
Greenspan Warns New Orleans Hurricane Damage May Cause Shortage of Willing Participants for “Girls Gone Wild”
---
### Author:  [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2005, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/7 "2005-09-02T19:27:34Z")
Louisiana Student’s “Water Runs Downhill” Science Fair Project Goes Horribly Wrong
---
### Author:  [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2005, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/8 "2005-09-02T19:30:18Z")
Looting Actually Makes A Lot of Sense If You Think About It
Why Don’t Those People Down In New Orleans Go Fishing If They’re So Hungry?
My Basement Flooded Once And It Was No Big Deal
The President Will Fix New Orleans Just Like He Fixed Iraq
---
### Author:  [@Gangster\_Octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gangster_Octopus)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2005, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/9 "2005-09-02T19:40:28Z")
Anderson Cooper Down To His Last Blue Dress Shirt
Shadenfreude Epidemic Overtakes Southern Florida
Hollywood Slow To Respond
_Cries of “Where’s Oprah?”_
---
### Author:  [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2005, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/10 "2005-09-02T19:42:39Z")
**Lesbian Community Denies Culpability With Dyke Failure.**
“You will never find a harder working group, especially during softball season, than our group.” Says Ellen DeGeneres.
**Cheverolet Pulls Ad Featuring Chevy on the Levy**
“Would not be appropriate at this time.” Say an industry insider asking to remain anonymous.
---
### Author:  [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2005, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/11 "2005-09-02T20:10:35Z")
**It’s Bush’s Fault!!!**
“They can’t pin this one one me.” Says Osama Bin Laden from his secret mountain hideway.
---
### Author:  [@CynicalGabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CynicalGabe)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2005, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/12 "2005-09-02T20:47:10Z")
Point/counterpoint: Cannibalism
Ask a Looter
Ask a Man Whose Family Is Dead and Home Destroyed
(by Katie Couric)
---
### Author:  [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2005, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/13 "2005-09-02T20:55:08Z")
**JESUS DENIES CULPABILITY IN HURRICANE DISASTER**
“Act of God my ass,” says Savior of Mankind
---
### Author:  [@CynicalGabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CynicalGabe)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2005, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/14 "2005-09-02T20:59:58Z")
Ooh! Ooh!
**AREA HOMOSEXUAL CONFESSES TO CAUSING KILLER HURRICANE**!
“Damn my immoral ways!”, said local resident M. Herschel, who is gay.
---
### Author:  [@MovieMogul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MovieMogul)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2005, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/15 "2005-09-02T21:00:04Z")
Well, the Onion’s already running currently:
**Bush: Vacation Ruined By 'Stupid Dead Soldier’**
I imagine another in that vein will be forthcoming.
---
### Author:  [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2005, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/16 "2005-09-02T21:32:53Z")
It’s Not The Heat, It’s The Humidity And All The Looting
---
### Author:  [@Ghanima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghanima)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2005, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/17 "2005-09-02T21:56:32Z")
Headline:
**New Orleans PWNED!**
---
### Author:  [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2005, 10:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/18 "2005-09-02T22:05:30Z")
> [@Shirley Ujest](#):
>
> **It’s Bush’s Fault!!!**
>
> “They can’t pin this one one me.” Says Osama Bin Laden from his secret mountain hideway.
I beg to differ. Ahem:
Bin Laden Revealed to Have Army of Butterflies Flapping in Afghanistan
Muslim extremists, chaos theory blamed for Katrina
---
### Author:  [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2005, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/19 "2005-09-02T22:07:29Z")
**ATTRACTIVE WHITE CO-ED MISSING IN NEW ORLEANS**
Five thousand other area residents also unaccounted for
---
### Author:  [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2005, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/20 "2005-09-02T22:07:37Z")
**Katrina, New Orleans isn’t the same since you left!**
“…I will loot you the finest jewels and bottled water that there is to be found this side of the Mississippi, or the other side if that is what you prefer…”
**80’s Band “Katrina and the Waves” storms New Orleans**
**Long-Time Area Homeless Man Finds Free Booze, Food, Happiness In The Big Easy**
[Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774.md?page=2)