# Help The Onion
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [September 2, 2005, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774 "2005-09-02T18:49:29Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 2
### Author:  [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)
#### Post date: [September 2, 2005, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/21 "2005-09-02T23:58:01Z")
**Homosexuals blame Christian Hetero’s For Katrina**
“It was only a matter of time before we figured out that the missionary position was causing a gravitational pull and all that Global Warming.” Says Bruce Findley of the Gay Scientists League.
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### Author:  [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)
#### Post date: [September 3, 2005, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/22 "2005-09-03T00:37:23Z")
**Gore: I would have bombed New Orleans instead of Afghanistan**
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### Author:  [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)
#### Post date: [September 3, 2005, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/23 "2005-09-03T02:45:31Z")
**Storyville Madame Announces Fuck For Charity: "All proceeds from whoring will go to disaster victims!"**
**Hurricane Katrina to New Orleans: "Oh yeah, how do you like THESE, boys!"**
**I’m Collecting Beanie Babies for the Poor People in New Orleans**
-by Jean Teasedale
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### Author:  [@5que](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/5que)
#### Post date: [September 3, 2005, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/24 "2005-09-03T03:28:43Z")
**Aruba Tourism Board plans huge party**
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### Author:  [@Diceman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diceman)
#### Post date: [September 3, 2005, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/25 "2005-09-03T03:59:46Z")
> [@](#):
>
> SAINTS NO LONGER BIGGEST DISASTER TO HIT SUPERDOME.
This is my vote for the winner 😃
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### Author:  [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)
#### Post date: [September 3, 2005, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/26 "2005-09-03T05:06:08Z")
Homelessness, devastation, and tragic loss inspires revival in declining New Orleans blues community
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### Author:  [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)
#### Post date: [September 3, 2005, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/27 "2005-09-03T05:14:16Z")
**Looting, rapine _caused by_ Poseidon’s wrath, for once.**
**Evil cabal of Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, preserved brain of Nixon conjured hurricane to strike. Or something.** Arial Sharon suspected of sacrificing seven beautiful hippie maidens in…like, a voodoo raindance. Yeah, that’s it.
**Vatican holding New Orleans disaster relief fundraiser.** (“The potential loss of tithe income could be devestating.” says Benedict XVI)
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### Author:  [@Sternvogel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sternvogel)
#### Post date: [September 3, 2005, 6:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/28 "2005-09-03T06:15:56Z")
[BIG EASY"S GOT THE DISAPPEARIN’ CITY BLUES](http://www.arlo.net/lyrics/new-orleans.shtml)
Excerpt from next installment of Jim Anchower’s “The Cruise”: “Hola, amigos! I know it’s been a while since I rapped at ya, but I’m still unemployed and so broke I got my cable unhooked and AOL cancelled, so I haven’t had any news to report. Oh yeah, Ron was driving down to New Orleans to hook up with some chick Wes met at the last Mardi Gras, so I gave him fifty bucks to score myself some of that voodoo _ganja_ they grow down there. Bastard was supposed to drop the weed off yesterday morning, but I ain’t seen any yet. Hope Ron’s just gettin’ lucky with the chick and didn’t forget his old pal Jim’s jonesin’ up here…”
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### Author:  [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)
#### Post date: [September 3, 2005, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/29 "2005-09-03T14:23:29Z")
New Orleans renamed as ‘The Big Squeegee’.
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### Author:  [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)
#### Post date: [September 3, 2005, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/30 "2005-09-03T14:29:05Z")
**New Orlean’s: The Big Wet Spot**
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### Author:  [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)
#### Post date: [September 3, 2005, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/31 "2005-09-03T14:53:43Z")
**Katrina Victims: What Do You Do Now?**
66% Shower, drink water, find loved ones, hopefully not get cholera
17% Crawl off into some hole somewhere, assume the fetal position, and wait for the sweet release of death
14% Steal a vending machine; retire rich
3% Volunteer for anti-rescue-vehicle rifle company
0% Going to Disney World
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### Author:  [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)
#### Post date: [September 3, 2005, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/32 "2005-09-03T15:03:47Z")
**’It Was Like Mardi Gras in September’**
National Guardsmen Cheer Sight of Sen. Landrieu in Wet T-Shirt
**Canada Offers Asylum to Displaced Cajuns**
‘Just Kick It _Down_ A Notch,’ Pleads Prime Minister
**Jazz Critic Eagerly Awaits Imminent Extinction of Dixieland**
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### Author:  [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)
#### Post date: [September 3, 2005, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/33 "2005-09-03T15:32:01Z")
You people are horrible, HORRIBLE!
I love you guys!
P.S. We are all going to Hell.
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### Author:  [@FriarTed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FriarTed)
#### Post date: [September 3, 2005, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/34 "2005-09-03T15:43:12Z")
**N.O. Resident Finally Finds Time Enough to Read**
Ironically Breaks Glasses
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### Author:  [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)
#### Post date: [September 3, 2005, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/35 "2005-09-03T17:36:20Z")
**Not Safe for Work** - unless you’re wearing headphones.
[http://www.illwillpress.com/kat.html](http://www.illwillpress.com/kat.html)
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### Author:  [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)
#### Post date: [September 3, 2005, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/36 "2005-09-03T18:20:27Z")
In the wake of [this thread:](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=332914)
**’Bama Fans Near Rioting in Stadium Shelter**
‘Them Damn Ref-u-gees’ Fill Hotels; Moon Pies Running Low
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### Author:  [@Sternvogel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sternvogel)
#### Post date: [September 3, 2005, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/37 "2005-09-03T19:25:30Z")
News Briefs
**Purdue Assistant Coach Must Change Name, Says NCAA**
WEST LAFAYETTE, Indiana – Citing a need for sensitivity to victims of the hurricane which recently devastated New Orleans and the Gulf Coast of Mississippi and Alabama, the National Collegiate Athletic Association has demanded that Purdue University assistant women’s basketball coach [Katrina Merriweather](http://purduesports.collegesports.com/sports/w-baskbl/mtt/merriweather_katrina00.html) rename herself something less offensive. “Hurricane Katrina hardly provided merry weather to those who were killed, uprooted, or otherwise affected by the wrath of its wind, rain, and subsequent flooding”, declared NCAA President Myles Brand. “Therefore, we urge that the Boilermakers and their third-year aide work together to find her a name that will not cause offense when the team, or any subsequent one which may employ her, plays against Tulane, the University of New Orleans, or South Alabama.” Failure to comply by November 18, the date of the Boilers’ regular-season opener against Butler, may be met with sanctions including, but not limited to, loss of scholarships and a ban on post-season play.
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### Author:  [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)
#### Post date: [September 3, 2005, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/38 "2005-09-03T19:27:55Z")
> [@FriarTed](#):
>
> **N.O. Resident Finally Finds Time Enough to Read**
> Ironically Breaks Glasses
Well, that’s gonna ressurect those old Twilight Zone nightmares for me.
Thanks, **Friar Ted**
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### Author:  [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)
#### Post date: [September 3, 2005, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/39 "2005-09-03T20:42:30Z")
**President’s Recovery Plan Calls for Stronger Levees, Drainage Ditches and Invasion of Iran**
**Tennessee Williams, Truman Capote, Lee Harvey Oswald, Louis Armstrong all among the list of dead New Orleansians**
**Bush Sees Disaster From Air Force One, Then Turns Back to BATMAN BEGINS**
**Relocated Hookers Announce, "We’re Puttin’ the Ass in Astrodome!"**
**Trent Lott, Homeless save for his Other Houses- Calls Looting "an Addiction"**
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### Author:  [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)
#### Post date: [September 3, 2005, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/40 "2005-09-03T20:54:53Z")
**Jim Anchower**
Hola, amigos. Well the good news is that last week my old lady won a radio call-in show and knew Adam Ant’s real name and won a trip for two to see Courtney Love at _The House of Blues_ in Nyawlins…
**e-Bay Server Crashes due to 16,800 new ads for Plasma TVs, still in box**
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