# Help The Onion **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 2, 2005, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774 "2005-09-02T18:49:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2005, 8:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/61 "2005-09-05T08:06:41Z")
> [@Case Sensitive](#): > > **Fedral Aid Suspended As Louisiana Purchase Declared Illegal: ‘Go Ask The French’, Says Bush** **13 Northern States in Secession Talks with Canada** ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2005, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/62 "2005-09-05T17:16:17Z")
**Disaster on the Horizon with B-list Actors/bands/comedians scheduled to Give benefit concert** **Hey! We were wrecked, too! Say the entire southern part of Mississippi.** ---
**Author:** ![Diceman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Diceman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diceman)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2005, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/63 "2005-09-05T17:40:36Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > **Bad Weather Makes New Orleans Slightly More Disgusting** I feel terrible for having laughed at that, but this is a pretty good one 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2005, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/64 "2005-09-05T18:29:20Z")
\*_[Sean Penn](http://www.thecouriermail.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5936,16499174%255E954,00.html) Wins 2005 “ **Boot** y” Award™_! \*Full name: The John Wilkes **Boot** h Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Self Serving and Misguided Sociopolitical Activism, presented annually or as needed by the board of directors of SAMPIRO FOR BENEVOLENT OLIGARCH 2008 (a division of Arby’s). ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2005, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/65 "2005-09-05T18:33:23Z")
This one might only be slightly amusing if I didn’t see news agencies reporting it a true event today. **New Orleans Refugees Refuse to Board Relief Plane Headed for Utah** ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2005, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/66 "2005-09-05T21:57:08Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > This one might only be slightly amusing if I didn’t see news agencies reporting it a true event today. > > **New Orleans Refugees Refuse to Board Relief Plane Headed for Utah** Flood Refugees Hijack Relief Plane: ‘We’ll Take Our Chances In Rwanda, Thanks’, Spokesman Declares ---
**Author:** ![Sternvogel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@Sternvogel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sternvogel)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2005, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/67 "2005-09-06T02:56:01Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > This one might only be slightly amusing if I didn’t see news agencies reporting it a true event today. > > **New Orleans Refugees Refuse to Board Relief Plane Headed for Utah** “Why can’t they get this through their heads? We like to hear jazz, not watch the [Jazz](http://www.sportsecyclopedia.com/nba/norleans/nojazz.html) play basketball!” ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2005, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/68 "2005-09-06T03:48:03Z")
Metal Bands In Crisis As ‘Storm’ Lyrics Face Airplay Ban ---
**Author:** ![Wolfian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/7ea924/32.png) [@Wolfian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wolfian)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2005, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/69 "2005-09-06T04:02:59Z")
**Point: There’s no hurricanes in Africa. Go back there.** by Grand Dragon Smith. **Counterpoint: I hate to say it, but he’s gotta point.** by a standed New Orleans resident ---
**Author:** ![edwino](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/35a633/32.png) [@edwino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/edwino)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2005, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/70 "2005-09-06T04:18:34Z")
**Katrina Commission: Condoleeza Rice admits to listening to Zeppelin IV** During Congressional testimony earlier today, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice admitted to hearing Zeppelin IV last summer before the Hurricane Katrina disaster. When asked by Katrina Commission chairman Thomas Kean if she recalled the title of the eighth track, Dr. Rice responded “I believe it was entitled ‘When The Levee Breaks.’” Under further examination, Dr. Rice admitted that President Bush had voiced the opinion that ‘Black Dog’ was a “wicked awesome jam” and that ‘Stairway to Heaven’ was “fuckin’ deep, man.” Dr. Rice was further asked to address previous Comission testimony by Robert Plant and Jimmy Page, who have publicly voiced since 1971 that “If it keeps on rainin’, levee’s goin’ to break, When the levee breaks I’ll have no place to stay.” Dr. Rice reported that while she indeed did acknowledge that Led Zeppelin had seemingly addressed the possible threat of catastrophic flooding with levee breaches, they did not address whether these would occur by hurricane or if they would occur in the city of New Orleans, and therefore were too non-specific for action planning. ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2005, 7:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/71 "2005-09-06T07:22:06Z")
> [@edwino](#): > > **Katrina Commission: Condoleeza Rice admits to listening to Zeppelin IV** Now _that_ was fucking funny. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2005, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/72 "2005-09-06T12:52:37Z")
**Ask the the Guy Who Opened Fire on a Rescue Heliocopter in N.O.** Dear Guy Who Opened Fire on a Rescue Heliocopter in N.O., I think my girlfriend of 6 months might be cheating on me. I recently went to Detroit on a 4-day business trip, and when I got back I found a box of condoms in her underwear drawer. But I had a vasectomy 9 years ago, and we haven’t used condoms in years. What’s going on here? Should I confront her? I still really love her, but I’m having a hard time even looking at her right now, and I definitely haven’t been able to make love to her since I discovered the Trojans. Please help! ~Hurt and Confused in Tulsa _Dear Tulsa, Hey Earl, how much you wanna bet I can hit that there heliocopter flying over head? Fuck yeah this is the gun I stole at Wal_Mart! Hey, get your hands off my gun; if you wanted a rifle you should’ve come with me to sporting goods. I told you to stay out of the ladies’ underwear department. What the hell you gonna do with 30 pairs of plus-sized panties anyway? Alright, I’m shooting this heliocopter whether you wanna bet me or not…\* ---
**Author:** ![5que](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/5/3bc359/32.png) [@5que](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/5que)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2005, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/73 "2005-09-06T17:39:04Z")
**Fox’s Rupert Murdock laments low percentage of pretty white women missing in New Orleans** ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2005, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/74 "2005-09-07T17:04:16Z")
**David Duke Removed as Director of Flight Operations for Evacuees** Routes to Ghana and Ivory Coast terminated ---
**Author:** ![Ghanima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Ghanima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghanima)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2005, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/75 "2005-09-07T17:44:34Z")
**New Orleans Fucked, Thousands Forced To Sleep in Wet Spot** ---
**Author:** ![Mighty\_Girl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7bcc69/32.png) [@Mighty\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mighty_Girl)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2005, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/76 "2005-09-07T18:31:55Z")
> [@Ghanima](#): > > **New Orleans Fucked, Thousands Forced To Sleep in Wet Spot** And the winnner is… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [September 7, 2005, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/77 "2005-09-07T23:34:42Z")
**Montana Survivalists Finally Accept Paranoia About Federal Plotting Ability Unfounded** ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2005, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/78 "2005-09-08T03:40:04Z")
**Irony of southern states begging for U.S. military intervention largely lost.** ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2005, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774/79 "2005-09-08T04:59:13Z")
> [@Ranchoth](#): > > **Irony of southern states begging for U.S. military intervention largely lost.** South Urged To Secede Again [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-the-onion/319774.md?page=3)