# Help with a Stalker? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 16, 2013, 9:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050 "2013-11-16T09:15:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![RaftPeople](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/6f9a4e/32.png) [@RaftPeople](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RaftPeople)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2013, 7:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050/41 "2013-11-18T07:06:27Z")
> [@kayT](#): > > And if you can’t see that introducing violence into a situation which is in no way threatening at this point, based on what the OP has said, then maybe you should read the OP again. And if you can’t see that your post is insulting to the OP, read IT again. Based on women I know that have had stalkers and things I’ve seen in the news, it sure sounds like violence is probably the only effective method of dealing with some of these people. Even restraining orders seem to be ineffective. Advice from the cops to a woman I know (situation was worse than OP): get a gun and learn how to use it. ---
**Author:** ![asshescreams](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c67d28/32.png) [@asshescreams](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/asshescreams)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2013, 7:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050/42 "2013-11-18T07:11:43Z")
I had a stalker for a couple years and he has charges pending against him now. This is a very different situation because my stalker would contact me over the phone, e-mail, Facebook etc. and make threats or call upwards of twenty times a day but the thing I found most helpful when I eventually decided to go the police was having documented every encounter. I would suggest that she write down times, dates and places of every time she sees him. And if it’s legal where she lives carrying a little thing of pepper spray might at least make her feel safer. They make tiny containers that you can put on your keychain which are very handy. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2013, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050/43 "2013-11-18T14:30:18Z")
> [@echo7tango](#): > > Okay, hiring a thug is not a great idea, but what about hiring a private detective to follow the stalker? The P.I. could gather evidence as to what the stalker is doing. Except that stalkers aren’t always poor. Some stalkers will hire P.I.s to help them with their stalking too (to help them get their jollies). The P.I. never knows that he is stalking or helping a stalker; all they know is that the check clears. Reputable P.I.s probably wouldn’t cross the line into felonies like unlawful surveillance or burglary or breaking and entering or battery or assault. (But wouldn’t hiring someone to do these things be a felony in itself?) ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2013, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050/44 "2013-11-18T18:04:17Z")
> [@RaftPeople](#): > > Based on women I know that have had stalkers and things I’ve seen in the news, it sure sounds like violence is probably the only effective method of dealing with some of these people. Even restraining orders seem to be ineffective. > > Advice from the cops to a woman I know (situation was worse than OP): get a gun and learn how to use it. That is untrue. There are levels of crazy. Not all are violent. But even the non-violent ones can ruin your life. A restraining order allows arrest without waiting for an overt act. So the police don’t have to wait for any violence. Most people will get the idea after getting locked up. The OP is British. Getting a gun isn’t an option. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2013, 11:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050/45 "2013-11-19T11:08:16Z")
> [@kayT](#): > > And if you can’t see that your post is insulting to the OP, read IT again. Not insulting…just glumly resigned. And, let’s be real…the post to which I responded was disingenuous: Anybody can see where violence can have an effect. Good? Bad? Who knows? But, violence will/can always “help”. (Help being defined as determining the situation.) I didn’t insult the OP, and I fucking well know when I am insulting somebody, but, you wanted to stir up shit, so just knock it off. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2013, 11:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050/46 "2013-11-19T11:09:30Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Well, not any advice given by _you_ perhaps. :smack: Oh! Oh! Look everybody! \*\*Ambivalid \*\*zinged me! Wowzah, Yowzah! A stinging wit, to be sure! ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2013, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050/47 "2013-11-19T13:04:43Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > Not insulting…just glumly resigned. > > And, let’s be real…the post to which I responded was disingenuous: Anybody can see where violence can have an effect. Good? Bad? Who knows? But, violence will/can always “help”. (Help being defined as determining the situation.) > > I didn’t insult the OP, and I fucking well know when I am insulting somebody, but, you wanted to stir up shit, so just knock it off. You suggested that the OP couldn’t understand the advice being given. I thought that was kind of insulting. If not, sorry, but it sounded that way to me. As for all this meeting violence with violence I would just like to point out that according to the OP all that has happened so far is the person turning up at the same place as the OP’s friend. No violence. Not even evidence that it’s not just a coincidence. So maybe a little more evidence of stalking would be in order first before threatening this guy with a beating. ETA I am not stirring shit but looking at your reply to \*\*Ambivalid \*\*maybe you are. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2013, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050/48 "2013-11-19T14:38:10Z")
> [@handsomeharry](#): > > Not insulting…just glumly resigned. > > And, let’s be real…the post to which I responded was disingenuous: Anybody can see where violence can have an effect. Good? Bad? Who knows? But, violence will/can always “help”. (Help being defined as determining the situation.) > > I didn’t insult the OP, and I fucking well know when I am insulting somebody, but, you wanted to stir up shit, so just knock it off. That is a very odd way of defining the word help. It’s very hard to communicate when one side is making up their own definitions for words. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2013, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050/49 "2013-11-19T16:53:52Z")
> [@echo7tango](#): > > Okay, hiring a thug is not a great idea, but what about hiring a private detective to follow the stalker? The P.I. could gather evidence as to what the stalker is doing. It pains me to say this, but you have read too many _Spenser_ novels. ---
**Author:** ![Peaton\_of\_peat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecae2f/32.png) [@Peaton\_of\_peat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peaton_of_peat)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2013, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050/50 "2013-11-19T17:54:33Z")
I feel like an asshole saying this, but are you sure that it actually is the same guy each time and not a case of mistaken identity? I’d think having a friend tag along next time she goes out, or taking a picture of of the guy would be enough to establish that he is who she thinks he is. I’m not accusing your friend of being excessively paranoid, but it’s a possibility you need to rule out before you do anything too drastic. Wiping the phone seems like a reasonable precaution to take in any case. I feel like I have to load this post with caveats and apologies, but I’ve dealt with a relative who had paranoid delusions and that’s made me a lot more skeptical about claims of subtle harassment. If someone else is there with your friend and reads the situation the same way she does, then go ahead and take more serious steps, but I’d ask for a bit more evidence than unsubstantiated claims that “I saw this guy, he must be following me” or “somebody annoyed me anonymously, it must have been him.” ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2013, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050/51 "2013-11-20T04:40:53Z")
The OP started out with the term “stalker” and we have some posters going Defcon 1 all over his ass. She promotes events and parties for a living and parties socially and he’s “present” at these events too often for her comfort. No indication he’s calling her, harassing her, or even approaching her. He’s just there. That is the entire extent (represented by the OP) of his ominous perfidy other than a one time use of her cell phone when they were friendlier. Possibly he’s tracking her phone and has PIs dogging her steps or maybe she’s a bit paranoid and seeing him at her favorite nightspots a few times a week or at events she is promoting is more than she wants to tolerate. Winding this guy into a stalker based on the evidence presented (so far) is absurd. ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2013, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050/52 "2013-11-20T04:58:26Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Other than being “present” too often for her comfort no one has mentioned that this guy is annoying her, or harassing her, or even approaching her and as I have pointed out there’s a good chance this is simply what happens when people frequent hot spots vs him hacking her phone to stalk her. If he’s a social butterfly and wants to be where the party and event action is and it’s apparently her job to “promote” events where the social action is, that she runs into him quite often is hardly a brain teaser. But let’s not let that stop the terror!!! Every day on the train several stalkers get on at the stops after mine. I used to think they were commuters who had roughly the same schedule as me, but after reading here for a few weeks, I saw the light! ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2013, 5:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050/53 "2013-11-20T05:26:49Z")
> [@RaftPeople](#): > > Based on women I know that have had stalkers and things I’ve seen in the news, it sure sounds like violence is probably the only effective method of dealing with some of these people. Even restraining orders seem to be ineffective. > > Advice from the cops to a woman I know (situation was worse than OP): get a gun and learn how to use it. In the most extreme situations, killing the stalker is going to be the only surefire way of solving the problem, but people like this are generally in trouble for lots of other things too. I don’t think that’s warranted in this situation, especially because we’re not even sure stalking is taking place. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2013, 6:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050/54 "2013-11-20T06:06:01Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > It pains me to say this, but you have read too many _Spenser_ novels. That’s too bad. I hope you’re okay. What are Spenser novels? Never mind. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2014, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050/57 "2014-03-19T04:45:42Z")
You really should change your name again **running**. How about **spamspotter**? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Patch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a183cd/32.png) [@Patch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patch)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2014, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050/58 "2014-03-19T04:47:06Z")
Well, now that it’s been 4 months, I’m wondering how things turned out. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2014, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050/59 "2014-03-19T18:03:29Z")
She’s probably dead by now ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2014, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050/60 "2014-03-19T18:15:41Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > She’s probably dead by now There is no other possible explanation. ---
**Author:** ![erysichthon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d07c76/32.png) [@erysichthon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erysichthon)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2014, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050/61 "2014-03-19T18:42:13Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > There is no other possible explanation. She could have been on Malaysia Flight 370. ---
**Author:** ![Mama\_Zappa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/71e660/32.png) [@Mama\_Zappa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mama_Zappa)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2014, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050/62 "2014-03-22T01:43:36Z")
> [@Joey\_P](#): > > It looks like it’s mentioned in the article astro linked to, but the best course of action would be to do a factory reset on the phone. Back up the contacts, reset the phone, reload the contacts and apps. The whole thing will probably take a half hour to an hour and then some playing around to get it back to the way she wants it. > Also, while she’s at it she needs to change the password for her phone’s online access. That didn’t make sense. What I’m saying is, you don’t need an app on the phone to do that. For example, I can go online and “Locate my phone” with nothing more then my password. My dad has an iPhone. I can Locate his iPhone because I happen to know his password. She needs to change whatever the password is that allows access to that setting. That’s probably what he’s using. > I don’t know about the iPhone, but on my Android I did have to put an app on the phone before I could use that feature. > … Yeah - I have SeekDroid on my phone - installed by me, not a stalker, and it’s “stealth” in that if I look for it, it’s not visible. The reasoning being: if someone steals the phone, I don’t want them finding the tracking and disabling it. If the friend’s creepy fellow put something like that on her phone, he might well be able to track her down with it. As others have said, try a factory reset. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-a-stalker/674050.md?page=4)