# Help With Girlfriend Problem **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 28, 2010, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740 "2010-08-28T00:24:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740/21 "2010-08-28T02:31:07Z")
My husband loves me, no doubt about that. But he is _not_ ‘romantic’. However, he does things that show he’s thinking about me. For instance, if I send him to the grocery store for milk, he might come home with the milk _plus_ a cut of steak he thought I’d enjoy for lunch the following day. When he was a truck driver, he bought a whole month’s worth of Sunday papers, and clipped the coupons he _thought_ I’d use. These are all evidence that he’s _thinking_ about me. So, even though he doesn’t buy me flowers (I think in our 26 years together, he’s bought me flowers maybe twice), his actions demonstrate that he’s thinking about me. Diamonds, flowers, expensive dinners. Those are easy. Thinking about someone, and demonstrating that thoughtfulness, is true romance, imho. ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740/22 "2010-08-28T02:39:57Z")
There’s a [book](http://www.amazon.com/RoMANtics-Guide-Hundreds-Creative-Lifetime/dp/0786884347/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1282963062&sr=8-3) for everything. ---
**Author:** ![Chicagojeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b19c9b/32.png) [@Chicagojeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chicagojeff)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740/23 "2010-08-28T03:08:30Z")
> [@TruCelt](#): > > 40+ hours. Seriously? Poor baby! An actual adult schedule. I’m sure you couldn’t possibly take care of your other responsibilities with a schedule like that! > > Throughout most of my 20’s and 30’s I averaged 70 hours a week, and I still managed to make dinner, do a great deal of volunteer work, and get the laundry done. No, I didn’t scrub the toilet every week, but it never turned black either. > > So “I” bought a house, but “She winds up doing all of the cooking, cleaning, housework as well as trying to go to school full time to get a degree and she’s trying to start up her own small company.” and “Also, she has trouble relaxing and just swimming in the pool or watching movies because there is always so much to do. On my days off, she seems like she’s always running around like a chicken without a head trying to get things done.” > > Your problem is that you are a lazy sunofagun who doesn’t want to lift a finger or ever make an effort for anyone else. Get off your lazy @$$ and do your half of the work. More than half, since anything to do with the house is obviously your responsibility. This.. c/s ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740/24 "2010-08-28T03:13:58Z")
> [@Fat\_Chance](#): > > Man, I just want to apologize for my downer post again. I guess I didn’t really give you an answer to the question you asked, and I kind of highjacked your thread with my own story. > > I’m very sorry about that. Feel free to call me an asshole and ignore my post. I was thinking something very much along the lines of what you posted; five years in, she’s got the man she’s got. ---
**Author:** ![Fat\_Chance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8baadc/32.png) [@Fat\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fat_Chance)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740/25 "2010-08-28T03:41:35Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > > [@Fat\_Chance](#): > > > > Man, I just want to apologize for my downer post again. I guess I didn’t really give you an answer to the question you asked, and I kind of highjacked your thread with my own story. > > > > I’m very sorry about that. Feel free to call me an asshole and ignore my post. > > I was thinking something very much along the lines of what you posted; five years in, she’s got the man she’s got. I will say, however, that if the major issue is sharing of responsibility, than the OP shoudl step up and do it. Not only because that would make her feel more valued, but because its just the right, proper, human, manly, normal thing to do. Would you treat a roommate or friend that way? And if after that, the emotional caring she wants is still not there, then we are at the step of whether a person is who they are, and choices have to be made as to whether that is something she wants or doesn’t. 5 years in, she should know who you are as a person. But she didn’t know you would treat her like a maid when you bought a house and lived with her. I guess I feel, there are things you can change about yourself for a partner and there are things you can’t. Change the things you can, and the rest is left to attraction and needs. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740/26 "2010-08-28T04:08:14Z")
> [@Notchimine](#): > > I can tell you that my husband is glad to see me when I get as he greets me with a hung and kiss. . I assume hung is a Fruedian slip. Lucky you. I think your advice is good. I’d suggest our OP help out more. 40+ hours {but less than 50?} isn’t all that much. And try to be more romantic. Maybe it will come easier and more naturally with effort. Just let her know you appreciate her, care about her, feel lucky you’re with her on regular basis. ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740/27 "2010-08-28T04:10:09Z")
> [@norinew](#): > > My husband loves me, no doubt about that. But he is _not_ ‘romantic’. > > However, he does things that show he’s thinking about me. For instance, if I send him to the grocery store for milk, he might come home with the milk _plus_ a cut of steak he thought I’d enjoy for lunch the following day. When he was a truck driver, he bought a whole month’s worth of Sunday papers, and clipped the coupons he _thought_ I’d use. These are all evidence that he’s _thinking_ about me. So, even though he doesn’t buy me flowers (I think in our 26 years together, he’s bought me flowers maybe twice), his actions demonstrate that he’s thinking about me. > > Diamonds, flowers, expensive dinners. Those are easy. Thinking about someone, and demonstrating that thoughtfulness, is true romance, imho. That’s a nice insight. ---
**Author:** ![Fat\_Chance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8baadc/32.png) [@Fat\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fat_Chance)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740/28 "2010-08-28T04:28:48Z")
> [@cosmosdan](#): > > > [@norinew](#): > > > > My husband loves me, no doubt about that. But he is _not_ ‘romantic’. > > > > However, he does things that show he’s thinking about me. For instance, if I send him to the grocery store for milk, he might come home with the milk _plus_ a cut of steak he thought I’d enjoy for lunch the following day. When he was a truck driver, he bought a whole month’s worth of Sunday papers, and clipped the coupons he _thought_ I’d use. These are all evidence that he’s _thinking_ about me. So, even though he doesn’t buy me flowers (I think in our 26 years together, he’s bought me flowers maybe twice), his actions demonstrate that he’s thinking about me. > > > > Diamonds, flowers, expensive dinners. Those are easy. Thinking about someone, and demonstrating that thoughtfulness, is true romance, imho. > > That’s a nice insight. Ah, but some peoples view of what a meaningfull expression of thoughtfullness differers than others. None right, none wrong. But different. ---
**Author:** ![Ladymarmalade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f05b48/32.png) [@Ladymarmalade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ladymarmalade)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 8:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740/29 "2010-08-28T08:12:22Z")
I see it a bit differently. When you say she is going to school full-time, do you mean you are supporting her? If so then yes I think it is fair that she do more of the housework than you. School is generally not as many hours and it is not your job to support a girlfriend. About the rest, I don’t like the “guess how you can please me” game. Personally, I think it’s spoiled. I do not demand that my husband plan a non-ending string of surprises for me like I’m a three year old at a birthday party. I knocked off that silly crap years ago and now I simply tell him what I want, get what I want, and am grateful for what I got, instead of crying that it wasn’t a surprise. For example, if we’re out bumming around and I see flowers and a bunch catches my eye, I tell him and we get it. Same way with a pair of earrings, candy, a nice dinner date, a backrub, any treat whatsoever. Getting the treats I want is enough. Christmas, birthday, anniversary, I plan what I want, show him what I want, or even buy what I want. That is why we’ve been together for two hundred years, we don’t whine about stupid things. I would tell her to knock off the crap, that you’ll get her whatever she wants but that forevermore she WILL have to tell you what that is, end of story. Just the opinion of a female dog. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 8:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740/30 "2010-08-28T08:22:35Z")
This might be hard to understand, but she’s not worth it. Girls don’t know what they want. If they ever manage to articulate it, it changes by the hour or minute. They have two brains. The rational and the animal. The animal is the one that loves chocolate, tattoos, and Johnny Depp. The rational mind wants commitment, honesty, and love…on the surface. In actuality, a woman’s rational mind is psychopathic. No matter how good a man you are, her rational mind will figure out a way to convince herself that you aren’t good enough. It sounds like you are in a relationship where you aren’t activating her animal mind. My advice is, like that song, make love to her like they do on the Animal Channel. It sounds like you are doing the right things to satisfy her rational mind, but you aren’t giving her what she needs on the animal side. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 8:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740/31 "2010-08-28T08:33:53Z")
> [@](#): > > Girls don’t know what they want. Do you realize how incredibly insulting that statement is? ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 8:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740/32 "2010-08-28T08:55:19Z")
Two tips. One rose 12 times is far better than 12 roses once. Learn how to give a good massage. It isn’t as hard as you think and you both get something out of it. ---
**Author:** ![palacheck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a88e57/32.png) [@palacheck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/palacheck)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 9:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740/33 "2010-08-28T09:17:06Z")
Uhh **Superhal**? I hope that post was tongue-in-cheek. If not you’ve got to work on your presentation there buddy. As for the OP–PULL YOUR WEIGHT. Throw in flowers(you have to be pretty stupid to screw that up), a card or two a month, and some foot/back rubs and you’re golden. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 9:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740/34 "2010-08-28T09:57:43Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > Girls don’t know what they want. > > Do you realize how incredibly insulting that statement is? Regardless of how you feel about it, I’ve had it verified enough times to know that it’s true. In fact, I repeated this from a female friend. The conversation went like this (me = me, my female friend = f): Me: What do women want? F: Fuck if I know. Me: Do women know what they want? F: Nope! ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 10:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740/35 "2010-08-28T10:25:39Z")
Just because you “verified” it with one of your friends doesn’t make it universal. Even if you “verified” it with several women of your acquaintance, it’s not universal. In MY experience, the only females who don’t know what they want are actually girls…that is, human females who are not adults. I suspect that the women you like to hang out with are not the ones that I’d choose to hang out with, and vice versa. For one thing, if you came out with “women don’t know what they want” around any me or any of MY friends, you’d probably have us gape at you, and then we’d quickly leave and never see you in any sort of social setting again. We don’t like being called stupid or clueless, and that’s basically what you said. Some men don’t like to hear what particular women want (especially if it’s “not you”), but the women I hang out with know what they want, and can articulate it. For that matter, the simple fact that you ask the question “What do women want?” tells a lot about you. Women don’t all want the same thing. For instance, I don’t want a diamond ring. I didn’t want one even before I learned about blood diamonds. I don’t (and didn’t, when I was of the proper age) want to have kids or grandkids. But a lot of men seem to think that all women want the same thing, and giving that item, or saying the right phrase, will make ANY woman melt and open her legs. This isn’t so. Well, many of us DO want men to do their share of the housework…but there are some women who want to do it all, in order to feel womanly. So if you load the dishwasher while in a relationship with one woman, she might be happy that you’re pitching in, but if you do it with another woman, she’ll get insulted and mad because you evidently are taking her job away from her. Very few women like to be insulted, though. ---
**Author:** ![Superhal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Superhal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superhal)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740/36 "2010-08-28T10:41:32Z")
Around here, any sentence that includes “women should” (or any of it’s possible conjugations) is grounds for a full fledged flame war. I also like how these flames include how the poster can’t get laid. I’m sure the poster gets laid as often as they can afford it. Yes, insulting. And yet, true. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 11:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740/37 "2010-08-28T11:30:26Z")
Cite? Seriously, cite that “women don’t know what they want” is true? No, just because you say that you’ve asked ONE woman, that doesn’t make it true. Prove that women don’t know what they want, or at least that most women don’t. Because my experience is at least as valid as yours. More so, actually, since I can prove that at least SOME women DO know what they want. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740/38 "2010-08-28T11:40:10Z")
I’d have to agree with the others who say that working 40+ hours a week hardly qualifies you to exempt yourself from chores. Why in the world did you buy a house if you didn’t have the energy to mow the lawn, pull weeds, fix toilets, do laundry, pay bills, cook, etc. ? You did realize that being an adult means doing all these things, right? And if your girlfriend leaves, then you WILL be doing all of them. So either buck up and do your part or hire someone to do it on your behalf. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740/39 "2010-08-28T12:42:10Z")
Of course women know what they want. Mel Gibson knows what women want, too. Haven’t you ever seen that movie? Yup, whenever I’m wondering how I should behave around women I just think- “What would Mel do?” ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2010, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740/40 "2010-08-28T12:55:12Z")
I could never watch more than a few minutes of that movie at a time. And as for what Mel would do, I imagine that he’d get stinking drunk and insert both feet into his mouth. Up to his hips. I mean, that’s what he’s been doing lately. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-girlfriend-problem/551740.md?page=3)