# Help with One-paragraph essay \[MERGED\]

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040>\
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion\
**Created:** [September 3, 2011, 9:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040 "2011-09-03T09:04:05Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 2

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**Author:** ![Reza](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Reza](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reza)\
**Post date:** [September 4, 2011, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040/21 "2011-09-04T12:52:55Z")

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> [@Zoe](#):
>
> I wish to commend you for having the initive to teach yourself! I would be happy to be a source for you, but my time at the computer is limited. Mostly it is in the middle of the night while my husband is sleeping. You can always try sending me a private mail, but you might have more success here. There are almost always people glad to help as long as it is not homework.
> 
> Your response to the assignment was interesting to me.

Thank you. I will send my questions to you. And I should let everybody knows something, when I say to email or send a direct message to someone, I do not want a quick reply, I really expect the recipients to take her/his time and do it whenever is possible.

Once again, I thank all the members here spending time and paying attention to my posts. Honestly this Forum was by far the best I’ve ever met and put my questions.

And, no , as I said earlier , my questions are not homework at all. I’m 42 and I’m just teaching myself. That’s it. But I need to be in touch with native speakers of this language which I’m practicing.  
My sincere wish is to find two or three people who are editors, so that I can have a long term contact with them. They let me to mail my writings and questions to them and be under their guidance.

It’s worth mentioning that even some comments and corrections here seem to be from people who have or had an editorial career and skill.

Thanks for reading me.

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**Author:** ![bazooka\_luca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cdc98d/32.png) [@bazooka\_luca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bazooka_luca)\
**Post date:** [September 4, 2011, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040/22 "2011-09-04T13:49:19Z")

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> [@Reza](#):
>
> Subject: sometimes women are discriminated against in the workplace.
> 
> It is really frustrating to see that sometimes women are discriminated against in the workplace.
> 
> Figures show that the chance of getting hired in different job positions for male applicants is 80% higher than female job seekers.

The passive voice is weaker than the active. Instead of “women are discriminated against in the workplace,” say that employers discriminate against female job applicants. Not only does this get rid of the awkward “against in,” but it introduces what you really write about; discrimination in the application process (not once they have the job).  
]  
Same thing with “chance of getting hired.” You could say that “Employers are 80% more like likely to hire a male.” That’s a big statistic, it would be nice if you could cite a source (such as, according to so and so, males are 80%… no need for footnotes or anything).

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**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\
**Post date:** [September 4, 2011, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040/23 "2011-09-04T14:31:11Z")

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> [@Reza](#):
>
> People can save their time between 60 ~ 70% on calculating their debts, writing and posting letters, shopping and etc., with the aid of computers. Julia Marshall, a 52 matron from indolant is happy with her new Acer laptop keeping records of her debts and calculating her loans and account. She’s sending and receiving almost 30 emails daily which previously she used to do the same three to four ones through snail mails. She says: “I really save my time with the help of this 21st century gadget”. The author of Effective time management, Tom Hanks says “computers can help people to speed up their daily activities and save a notable quota of their time if they use them properly”.
> 
> What’s your score out of 20 to this one-paragraph essay?

[COLOR=Black]For starters, this version is a light edit to correct blatant errors:

People can save [del]their time between [/del]from 60 to[del]~[/del] 70 percent[del]%[/del] of their time [/COLOR][del]on[/del] calculating their debts, writing and posting letters, shopping and other tasks[del]etc.,[/del] with the aid of computers. Julia Marshall, a 52-year-old matron from [indolant]\<-no idea what you mean here is happy with using her new Acer laptop to keep[del]ing[/del] records of her debts and calculate[del]ing[/del] her loans and account. She’s sending and receiving almost 30 emails daily which previously she used to do [the same three to four ones]\<-no idea what you mean here through snail mails. She says: “I really save my time with the help of this 21st century gadget.”[del].[/del][COLOR=Black][Note: U.S. punctuation.][/COLOR] The author of _Effective Time Management_, Tom Hanks says, “Computers can help people to speed up their daily activities and save a notable quota of their time if they use them properly.”[del].[/del]

This is a decent essay but seems like only the first half of an essay. You give a single anecdotal example, and a single quote from an authority. Then it should follow through by saying how computers actually accomplish this time-saving miracle. We know that Julia saves time but you haven’t told us why a computer is faster to do any of this. In 2011 it is probably a given for most of us that it does, but if you’re going to write about it you’re going to have to justify it. The sentence about emails doesn’t really make any sense. Here is a fake example:Mrs. Marshall used to balance her checkbook on paper, spending about 30 minutes each month to reconcile her register against her bank statement. Now, by using financial software and her bank’s web site, her checkbook is always up to date and she never has to reconcile it.

I’m afraid I don’t have the patience of \*\*Alley Dweller \*\*to break all of this down into minute detail but hopefully you will find this useful. I would be happy to answer questions about my suggestions if you want to hear my rationale.

ETA: BTW, the quote from Hanks is a direct quote so technically I shouldn’t edit it, but the usage of the word “quota” is awkward or incorrect here.

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**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\
**Post date:** [September 4, 2011, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040/24 "2011-09-04T14:33:52Z")

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> [@Zoe](#):
>
> **Frylock** , this is one time when I will have to disagree with you. Both **chiroptera** and the linked article referred to passive versus active _writing_. The emphasis was on choosing verbs that are are descriptive rather than ordinary and in avoiding verbs that are only forms of the verb _to be_.

I can understand disagreement about the article–it’s really not clear to me whether the author understands the distinction between passive voice and passive writing or not.

But **chirptera** ’s post _says_ “passive voice.” I’m not reading into the post–the words are right there on my screen.

Like I said, this may have been a misstatement, but it’s undeniable that it is the statement that was made.

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**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\
**Post date:** [September 4, 2011, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040/25 "2011-09-04T14:35:27Z")

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BTW I was wrong–there is one example of passive voice in the OP’s text. I find it to be acceptable but it is there.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Reza](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Reza](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reza)\
**Post date:** [September 4, 2011, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040/26 "2011-09-04T20:44:05Z")

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[QUOTE=CookingWithGas;14217709  
he’s sending and receiving almost 30 emails daily which previously she used to do [the same three to four ones]  
\<-no idea what you mean here  
[/QUOTE]

do the same = sending and receiving emails

> [@](#):
>
> This is a decent essay but seems like only the first half of an essay.

because this is a one-paragraph essay. Lesson one, Stage one I’m at the beginning of the book, and this is a practice to give quick examples of Statistic, Narrative and an authority statement.

> [@](#):
>
> but the usage of the word “quota” is awkward or incorrect here.

Quota isn’t a proportion of a whole amount?

here I mean; . . . and save a notable quota ( volume ) of their time if . . . .  
Thank you so much.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\
**Post date:** [September 4, 2011, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040/27 "2011-09-04T20:59:30Z")

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> [@Reza](#):
>
> So, I should say, land mail, or ordinary post system?

There isn’t one word that means the opposite of “email.” Don;t use either “land mail” or “post system.” You could say, by regular mail, by U.S. mail, using the mail, or using the postal service. Better yet, say “in the past she could only send 3 or 4 letters in the same time.”

> [@](#):
>
> By the way what about telephone, we have mobile and land phone, right?

In U.S. idiom, we have “cell phones” and “landlines” actually. “Mobile” is used in every other English speaking country so far as I know – and American people will know what you mean when you say “mobile phone” – but it doesn’t sound American.

Also “mail” used as a noun is never, ever made plural with the addition of an “s” in US English (it is considered inherently plural) but I believe it is sometimes in UK English. “She mails the letters daily” IS a correct US form, but there “mail” is a verb.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\
**Post date:** [September 4, 2011, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040/28 "2011-09-04T22:55:35Z")

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> [@Reza](#):
>
> do the same = sending and receiving emails

I understand what “do the same” means. But I don’t understand what “do the same three or four ones” means.

> [@](#):
>
> Quota isn’t a proportion of a whole amount?
> 
> here I mean; . . . and save a notable quota ( volume ) of their time if . . . .

Although it can be used in that way, it almost always means a mandated limit, often a minimum but sometimes a maximum.  
The police are required to write a quota of 15 speeding tickets per day.  
There is an import quota of a maximum of 20 tons of wheat.

> [@Hello\_Again](#):
>
> Also “mail” used as a noun is never, ever made plural with the addition of an “s” in US English (it is considered inherently plural)…

This is known as a [mass noun,](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mass_noun) such as _furniture_.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![guizot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guizot/32/3636_2.png) [@guizot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/guizot)\
**Post date:** [September 4, 2011, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040/29 "2011-09-04T23:14:23Z")

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> [@Reza](#):
>
> …because this is a one-paragraph essay. Lesson one, Stage one I’m at the beginning of the book, and this is a practice to give quick examples of Statistic, Narrative and an authority statement.

What kind of book is asking you to perform such an unlikely and contrived task? I can see the value in understanding these various rhetorical modes, but mechanically (and almost randomly) throwing them together like this as an exercise and calling it a “one-paragraph essay” goes contrary to the natural process of argumentation. Are they providing you with any “real-life” examples?

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![chiroptera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)\
**Post date:** [September 4, 2011, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040/30 "2011-09-04T23:33:48Z")

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> [@Reza](#):
>
> I’ll be grateful if you could comment or correct my writing
> 
> 2- Subject: computers save people time.
> 
> People can save their time between 60 ~ 70% on calculating their debts, writing and posting letters, shopping and etc., with the aid of computers. Julia Marshall, a 52 matron from indolant is happy with her new Acer laptop keeping records of her debts and calculating her loans and account. She’s sending and receiving almost 30 emails daily which previously she used to do the same three to four ones through snail mails. She says: “I really save my time with the help of this 21st century gadget”. The author of Effective time management, Tom Hanks says “computers can help people to speed up their daily activities and save a notable quota of their time if they use them properly”.
> 
> Color code:
> 
> Statistics  
> Narrative Example  
> Statement by an authority
> 
> What’s your score out of 20 to this one-paragraph essay?
> 
> Examples, figures and supports are all imaginative.
> 
> Thank you.

People can save between 60 and 70 percent of their discretionary time spent on basic tasks such as paying bills,shopping and communicating with others by using a computer. Julia Marshall, a 52-year old Acer laptop-owner, saves considerable time by using her computer to calculate debt, pay bills and communicate with friends and family. Tom Hanks, author of Effective Time Management, says “computers can help people to speed up their daily activities and save a notable quota of their time if they use them properly”.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Reza](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Reza](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reza)\
**Post date:** [September 5, 2011, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040/31 "2011-09-05T02:05:41Z")

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> [@guizot](#):
>
> What kind of book is asking you to perform such an unlikely and contrived task? I can see the value in understanding these various rhetorical modes, but mechanically (and almost randomly) throwing them together like this as an exercise and calling it a “one-paragraph essay” goes contrary to the natural process of argumentation. Are they providing you with any “real-life” examples?

The practical writer with readings; Edward P. Bailey & Phil A. Powell

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Reza](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Reza](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reza)\
**Post date:** [September 5, 2011, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040/32 "2011-09-05T02:20:39Z")

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> [@CookingWithGas](#):
>
> I understand what “do the same” means. But I don’t understand what “do the same three or four ones” means.

I’m sorry, that was my mistake. I meant 3 or 4 mail, but because my previous one was email, this brought up the confusion. I admit that most parts of the writing should be rearranged.

> [@](#):
>
> This is known as a [mass noun,](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mass_noun) such as _furniture_.

or Collective noun. right?

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Reza](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Reza](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reza)\
**Post date:** [September 5, 2011, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040/33 "2011-09-05T02:24:45Z")

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> [@chiroptera](#):
>
> People can save between 60 and 70 percent of their discretionary time spent on basic tasks such as paying bills,shopping and communicating with others by using a computer. Julia Marshall, a 52-year old Acer laptop-owner, saves considerable time by using her computer to calculate debt, pay bills and communicate with friends and family. Tom Hanks, author of Effective Time Management, says “computers can help people to speed up their daily activities and save a notable quota of their time if they use them properly”.

Thank you, it is nice.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Alley\_Dweller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alley_dweller/32/430_2.png) [@Alley\_Dweller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alley_Dweller)\
**Post date:** [September 5, 2011, 11:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040/34 "2011-09-05T11:28:37Z")

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Sorry for the delay getting back to you.  
I see most of your concerns have already been addressed by others, so I’ll just say a couple of things.

> [@reza](#):
>
> > [@](#):
> >
> > we’re left wondering whether you really meant that. Confirm or correct our suspicion by saying “is happy with letting her new laptop keep records” or by saying “is happy with her new laptop which is keeping…”
> 
> i meant she’s happy with her new laptop with which she can do those things. Because this is the laptop brings her such facility, so i directed her happiness first towards the laptop, and then supporting the reason by referring to an action done with the help of it.  
> Having explained this, now your comment still stand the same?

Do you see what you did there in your reply to me?  
You said “her new laptop with **which** she can do those things.” You didn’t say “her new laptop doing those things.”  
Without thinking about it, you added the word “which” and adjusted the following clause. You instinctively knew that adding such a clause would clarify what you were trying to say. In fact, that was one of the two alternatives I gave you for the sentence. You have a pretty good idea how to express yourself in English, but something got lost in this exercise. A lot of phrases are not where they belong or are not linked properly in the sentences. I don’t know enough about educational theory to be of much help. But your other writing shows you already know how to do these things correctly, how do we get that knowledge into the formal paragraphs?

And one more thing I’d like to comment on:  
The author of Effective time management, Tom Hanks says “computers can help people to speed up their daily activities and save a notable quota of their time if they use them properly”.  
Combining this with the previous quotes, it gives the reader the impression that you are compiling a list of quotes rather than giving us a logical argument. This is the same comment I made on the first essay. Give us a transitional statement between Julia’s and Tom’s observations. something like “Julia’s experience is echoed by time management experts.”

Don’t let anybody discourage you. Exercises are sometimes contrived, but they help us learn. Just like in math class: Does anybody really care what time two trains heading toward each other at different speeds will meet?

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\
**Post date:** [September 5, 2011, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040/35 "2011-09-05T13:47:07Z")

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> [@Reza](#):
>
> Yes you are right. Maybe no better verb came to my mind at the time of writing. I simply meant to deal with her loans and accounts, keep recording and considering how much is left , how much is the interest and any action requires processing and calculation to know the status of her loans, budget, debts, and suchlike.

I would suggest [monitor](http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/monitor) is the best word for what you’re saying: _Julia uses her computer to monitor her loans and accounts._

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\
**Post date:** [September 5, 2011, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040/36 "2011-09-05T13:50:20Z")

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Book titles in English are italicized and all of the major words in the title are capitalized. So Tom Hanks would be the author of _Effective Time Management_.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![guizot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guizot/32/3636_2.png) [@guizot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/guizot)\
**Post date:** [September 5, 2011, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040/37 "2011-09-05T14:51:04Z")

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> [@Reza](#):
>
> The practical writer with readings; Edward P. Bailey & Phil A. Powell

Okay. That’s a good text, from what I can recall. They do make it clear, however, that arbitrarily throwing in statistics, narrative and “authority” as three consecutive propositions is not at all natural–that is, that the “one-paragraph essay” is purely an exercise–correct?

I also believe that this text includes a good number of examples of student essays–something which traditionally is lacking in expository writing texts.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Reza](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Reza](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reza)\
**Post date:** [September 5, 2011, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040/38 "2011-09-05T19:42:40Z")

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> [@guizot](#):
>
> Okay. That’s a good text, from what I can recall. They do make it clear, however, that arbitrarily throwing in statistics, narrative and “authority” as three consecutive propositions is not at all natural–that is, that the “one-paragraph essay” is purely an exercise–correct?
> 
> I also believe that this text includes a good number of examples of student essays–something which traditionally is lacking in expository writing texts.

Yes, that’s correct. And, when I think more about what I did in the exercise is just following what the drill asked me to do; not write a neat and complete one-paragraph essay, but focusing on three areas Narrative, Statistics and a Statement by an authority. Writing them separately but reflecting a good example of those three items. I believe at this stage transition and the flow between these three parts are not a part of the intended exercise.

I’ve got an idea; for the rest of my one-paragraph posts, I will try to write a complete one considering that I’m at the end of the lesson-1, and the outcome is going to be a final one-paragraph essay observing everything needed.  
How’s that?

Oh by the way, through all of these comments and corrections, I’ve been told that using " she can save **her time**" , is wrong and we can not say " her time, my time. If it is so then why:

in Lost TV series Season 1, Episode 1, 4-walkabout, at 05:22 , Saeed says: “

There are better things to do with **my time** than collect firewood.” ?

Is it a different case. If yes, what’s difference?

Thank you.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Reza](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Reza](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reza)\
**Post date:** [September 5, 2011, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040/39 "2011-09-05T19:49:17Z")

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**Alley Dweller**

Thank you, I enjoyed your comment, post # 13.  
**Little Nemo** ,

Thanks for your points, They are useful.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![The\_Hamster\_King](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8edcca/32.png) [@The\_Hamster\_King](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Hamster_King)\
**Post date:** [September 5, 2011, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/help-with-one-paragraph-essay-merged/595040/40 "2011-09-05T20:05:07Z")

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> [@Reza](#):
>
> If yes, what’s difference?

Consider these two sentences:

“Bob is wasting time.”

“Bob is wasting my time.”

The first one means that Bob is wasting time _in general_. He’s delaying or working slowly. This may or may not affect the speaker. It’s just an observation.

The second one means that Bob is inconveniencing _the speaker_. He my or may not be wasting time in general, but he’s specifically wasting the speaker’s time.

You usually only emphasize individual possession of time in situations where different people value the passage of time differently:

With “There are better things to do with my time than collect firewood” there’s a hint of criticism that “his time” isn’t being properly valued by the others.

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