# Helping My Couple Friends Move And SHE Doesn't Plan To Be There? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 30, 2011, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696 "2011-08-30T23:43:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696/21 "2011-08-31T19:05:50Z")
Johnny LA nailed it, but on the other hand you are helping your friend, who now needs your help more than ever since she won’t even be there. So…as mentioned, depends if you are a friend or an aquaintance. ETA: I’m female, helped my father-in-law move a couch because my sweetie had just had foot surgery and couldn’t stand properly, much less lift and carry. I’m stronger than I look, stronger than my father-in-law at this point, and he STILL kept trying to do more than me. There’s a certain kind of…gallantry…that prefers to do more of the heavy lifting than the females involved, so maybe your friend is glad she’s not around so he can just get stuff moved rather than dance around what she can/will can’t/won’t do for herself. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2011, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696/22 "2011-08-31T21:19:04Z")
You should just help him. And while you do it, all three of you wear her panties as hats. ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2011, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696/23 "2011-09-02T04:44:23Z")
I agree with **Cat Whisperer**. The guy himself seems to have a pretty thick hide if he thinks it is okay to get friends to do the work whilst girlfriend is drinking pina coladas. Whilst **Chessic Sense** makes good points, I think it is not morally correct to expect you guys to do the work while she doesn’t contribute for whatever reason. ---
**Author:** ![DorkVader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/73ab20/32.png) [@DorkVader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DorkVader)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2011, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696/24 "2011-09-02T05:07:44Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > You should just help him. > And while you do it, all three of you wear her panties as hats. or bra bonnets, whats so hard about moving? I’ve helped one set of freinds move (paid with lunch, and dinner at a real sit down restaraunt ) and the only help I’ve ever requested when I’ve moved is to borrow a truck, These people don’t really need help if she’s gonna not be there to move her own stuff ---
**Author:** ![ColdPhoenix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6bbea6/32.png) [@ColdPhoenix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ColdPhoenix)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2011, 7:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696/25 "2011-09-02T07:12:46Z")
> [@Chessic\_Sense](#): > > This pivots on two things: > > 1. Why were the moves delayed 2 weeks? If it was because they didn’t feel like it, that’s one thing. If it was because of the hurricane, it’s completely different. Vacations aren’t always movable and it’s understandable if she already laid out a bunch of unrecoverable money. > > 2. Is the move able to be delayed until she gets back? If so, then you should insist on waiting for her. If not, then your friend is in a bind and it’s your duty to help him out of it. > > Having people cancel on you sucks. Many hands make light work, and for every person that cancels, the burden on the remaining helpers goes up. It’s times like this where you have to decide if you’re a true friend or just an acquaintance. Either way is fine, but that’s the choice you have. > > If they forgot to get a moving truck last week and this week, she’s driving to the beach for the weekend, then you should back out. But if Irene made them cancel and six months ago, she bought a vacation package to Hawaii for this weekend, then you have to show up. Agreed. We need more information! ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2011, 7:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696/26 "2011-09-02T07:16:47Z")
You volunteered to help. He probably didn’t realize there was an \*\* attached. ---
**Author:** ![bengangmo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@bengangmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bengangmo)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2011, 9:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696/27 "2011-09-02T09:30:32Z")
> [@Taomist](#): > > Johnny LA nailed it, but on the other hand you are helping your friend, who now needs your help more than ever since she won’t even be there. So…as mentioned, depends if you are a friend or an aquaintance. > > ETA: I’m female, helped my father-in-law move a couch because my sweetie had just had foot surgery and couldn’t stand properly, much less lift and carry. I’m stronger than I look, stronger than my father-in-law at this point, and he STILL kept trying to do more than me. There’s a certain kind of…gallantry…that prefers to do more of the heavy lifting than the females involved, so maybe your friend is glad she’s not around so he can just get stuff moved rather than dance around what she can/will can’t/won’t do for herself. That’s one point - for some jobs like that, there are just certain personality types you DON’T want around. If I were moving house I would prefer it if my wife just left me the hell alone because I know it’s just going to be a constant stream of “be careful” “that shouldn’t be done like that” “you’re driving too fast” “do this unimportant thing first” Jeeze Also - just how much stuff does the GF actually have? Is it a lot of personal stuff? Will it be properly packed? And I second those that say it is all situational and I wouldn’t automatically jump either way. Particuarly if you are only helping in the move, and the GF will be coming back to do the house cleaning post vacation. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2011, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696/28 "2011-09-02T12:40:08Z")
We helped one of our BFF’s moved when his house was reposessed a few years ago. ( due to his ex wife financial ruin of him. He wasn’t an ace either in the $ department.) He knew for 6 months the kick out date. I would bring boxes over and leave them in his garage. Talked with him on how the packing was going and always hear " I’ve working on a box right now." The moving day comes and he has to work. (read that again.) Three of us. His girlfriend, me (a friend as well as his BFF’s wife.) and another female friend (married who had a major emotional crush on him that she denies to this day.), were the only ones at the house other than my husband and another guy who were moving the big stuff. Not one f’n box was packed. Not one. 10 years of living in that house needed to be packed. his kids were at his ex’s. To say I was steamed would be a minor understatement. The other ladies wanted to pack it up nice and shit. I told them there wasn’t any time for niceties and he had had chance. I started cramming shit into boxes and flinging. ( in fairness, I kept each box with that room. It wasn’t all hodgepodge.) We would label the boxes on the outside saying what room it came from in the old house and that would be the best offer he got. TFB. The ladies had a fucking cow over this. I finally said, " Have you seen his basement, we’re arguing over the kids playroom here and his basement is a jungle of crap." In the end I decided to break down the bathrooms and take them over to the new rental and set it up. I was so pissed at our friend for his denial over everything that I gave myself a nice case of screaming diaherra from being so mad at him. The only area we agreed on was throwing out all his ex’s shit. That was extremely satisfying. No one from his family ( a devote Xtian family) helped, but his Dad ( a pastor/former cop) stopped by to picked up the paperwork for the sleds and talked to the other ladies for a good forty five minutes of chatting and charming and stopping them working and then leaves. I shouted after him, " Hey! THANKS for all your HELP! WHAT would JESUS DO!" (There was no physical reason why this guy couldn’t help.) His landlord is raising his rent and he isn’t happy and wants to move. The first thing I said was, " We ( my husband and I) are not helping, but you can borrow our trailer. I am done with helping anyone move. They can all F’off. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2011, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696/29 "2011-09-02T13:12:28Z")
> [@bengangmo](#): > > That’s one point - for some jobs like that, there are just certain personality types you DON’T want around. If I were moving house I would prefer it if my wife just left me the hell alone because I know it’s just going to be a constant stream of > “be careful” > “that shouldn’t be done like that” > “you’re driving too fast” > “do this unimportant thing first” Friend of mine had his hot water heater die. He spent every cent he had on a new one and couldn’t afford a plumber. He asked me to “help” install it. His gf, who I had never met stood watching, critiquing my every move. Halfway through the job I turned to my friend and yelled, “Either the bitch goes or I do”. He took her upstairs. I finished and left. We are still friends, the gf lasted a few months. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2011, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696/30 "2011-09-02T13:44:05Z")
I started out reacting that \*\*Skald \*\*had nailed it & \*\*Johnny \*\*was being waay too nice, refusing to call a spade a spade. Upon further consideration, **Chessic Sense** raises some good points. Either the vacation or the move should be rescheduled to include the GF. And our OP should tell the moving BF in plain clear English that 1) the GF will be there to help or we’re not, and 2) this next reschedule is the last one; if that doesn’t go off as planned we’re done helping. I’d go farther than the above in helping family or some especially close friends. But so far these goofs have trashed 3 weekends for our OP & her BF. And they don’t seem like especially close friends, nor are they family. ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2011, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696/31 "2011-09-02T14:37:13Z")
> [@Shirley\_Ujest](#): > > No one from his family ( a devote Xtian family) helped, but his Dad ( a pastor/former cop) stopped by to picked up the paperwork for the sleds and talked to the other ladies for a good forty five minutes of chatting and charming and stopping them working and then leaves. I shouted after him, " Hey! THANKS for all your HELP! WHAT would JESUS DO!" > > (There was no physical reason why this guy couldn’t help.) > > . Why did you yell at the dad? He’s the only intelligent person in that entire story. ---
**Author:** ![storyteller0910](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecae2f/32.png) [@storyteller0910](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/storyteller0910)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2011, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696/32 "2011-09-02T15:44:19Z")
I disagree with most of the responses so far. I think people on the Internet tend to be very cavalier and careless about other people’s friendships. You say that this is a “long-time” friend. How do you feel about the possibility of him becoming an “ex-friend?” This isn’t a snarky question, it’s a genuine one. Back out now, using any of the clever or direct responses in this thread, and you will jeopardize your friendship with this person. It is possible that he himself is being rude, yes. It’s also possible that he’s been put in a difficult situation by his girlfriend, and that by punishing her rudeness by not showing up - thus sticking it to the girlfriend, who probably doesn’t care what you think, ultimately - you are also making his situation even more difficult… not something we expect of our real _good_ friends when we’re in a lousy situation. Look, it sucks that he’s asking you to help him move when his girlfriend won’t be there. Just about everyone does something rude to his or her friends once in a while. You can decide to go through life being the arbiter of these moments, but you can count on two things: (1) no one will ever give _you_ the benefit of the doubt if you are in a similar situation; (2) you will lose friends. Just help the guy move. Yeah, it means the girlfriend gets away with behavior that - depending on the circumstances - may or may not be obnoxious and rude. So what? You help your friend, you and your boyfriend mock the girlfriend in the car on the way home, and the outcome is better all around. On the other hand, if the guy isn’t really all that important to you, then hell, sure, take a stand over this. Your call. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2011, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696/33 "2011-09-02T15:55:08Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#): > > \*\*Johnny \*\*was being waay too nice What? Me? _NICE?_ :eek: Why, I outta… I think I should buy you a beer so we can discuss this! :mad: ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2011, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696/34 "2011-09-02T19:16:46Z")
> [@storyteller0910](#): > > I disagree with most of the responses so far. I think people on the Internet tend to be very cavalier and careless about other people’s friendships. I disagree with what you’re reading is cavalierness. Friendships are precious to me. But I think **crazytooth615** ’s friend is being cavalier with the relationship, as he is exploiting his friend. That’s a no-no if you want to keep your friends. I have a friend whom, if II were mentionthat my wife and I were moving, would immediately and sincerely offer her and her husband’s help (and the husband, good guy that he is, wouldn’t object). But I’d never expect them to help pack boxes and move crap while my wife or I _took a vacation_, because I dont exploit my friends. That’s what _friend_ means. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2011, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696/35 "2011-09-02T19:35:46Z")
> [@crazytooth615](#): > > My long-time friend is moving in with his new girlfriend. I volunteered my boyfriend and I to help them move into their new rental house, and he accepted, saying he would let me know when and what time. Moving day has been delayed 2 consecutive weekends, and now he tells me that his girlfriend has a vacation planned for the weekend they are scheduled to move, and that my boyfriend and I can come any time during the weekend b/c the girlfriend won’t even be there! > > I feel that it’s rude of my friend to expect us to move HER stuff when she won’t even be there to help, and now I don’t know how to back out. And it’s not only her stuff, it’s also her daughter’s stuff. > > Am I crazy? Perhaps. But, no insult to all the fine women of the Dope here, but in every move I’ve participated in, the addition of the female SO merely adds to the Crazy. “WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THAT THERE?” “THAT’S MY MOTHERS PICTURE! WHY ARE YOU CARRYING IT THAT WAY!?!?” “HOLD THAT COUCH WHILE I MEASURE THE DISTANCE FROM THE WALL THAT I WANT IT!!!” So, if you’re committed to helping your friend, perhaps this _is_ the weekend you want to help him move. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2011, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696/36 "2011-09-02T20:34:44Z")
> [@CitizenPained](#): > > You volunteered to help. He probably didn’t realize there was an \*\* attached. I don’t move other people’s stuff when they aren’t moving their own stuff. It wouldn’t have even occurred to me to ask if the owner of the stuff would be doing the bulk of the work - I would have assumed that. It’s ridiculous to think that someone wouldn’t be present for their own move. Hell, at this point in my life, I don’t move other people’s stuff, period, so maybe I’m not the best person to ask. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2011, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696/37 "2011-09-02T22:55:30Z")
> [@CitizenPained](#): > > You volunteered to help. He probably didn’t realize there was an \*\* attached. When I volunteer to help, there is always a \*\* attached. I’m assuming that people recognize that because they have common sense, and “I’ll help” is not an invitation to turn me into a doormat or a slave or an ATM. In the case of “I’ll help you move” - if the time works for me. I’m not skipping my sister’s wedding because you decided to move on the 24th. I’m not burning a vacation day because Tuesday works best for you. And I get to decide where my priorities are. - MOVE. Not pack. Not rehome the animals. Not clean your scummy bathroom that hasn’t been cleaned in four years so you can get your security deposit back. I might be willing to do these things, but these are not assumptions. - MOVE, not manage the logistics and do the project planning involved in getting you from one space to another. Your couch doesn’t fit in the pickup your friend loaned you, yeah. Oops, should have planned better. Your landlord hasn’t yet given you the key for the new place, not really my problem (except that I’m standing here burning daylight helping you “move” while you didn’t bother to get the damn key). - I will not provide a moving truck. Unless otherwise indicated, I’m offering physical labor. I may indicate that my “help” is paying for the truck. - I will not lift anything that might cause injury. You have a piano, hire movers. Your couch weighs 500 lbs, hire movers. - Don’t assume I’m a source of labor until the job is done. I might be available for two or three hours. I might be able to help for six. Don’t assume I’ll be there the whole damn weekend because you haven’t packed a thing and your back just went out and I’m the only friend you seem to have. - And I expect your spring for pizza and beer. I don’t drink beer and I’m gluten intolerant, and I really don’t expect you to adapt (although it would be nice if it were a bottle of wine and call out for Thai) but its traditional to spring for at least pizza and beer. You may wonder at why I can rattle off such an extensive list. I’ve helped a lot of friends “move.” ---
**Author:** ![SeaDragonTattoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@SeaDragonTattoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeaDragonTattoo)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2011, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696/38 "2011-09-02T23:00:06Z")
It just seems like helping other people move so often turns into a fiasco. I’ve moved seven times since college and hired movers every time. The only time family/friends helped me move was when I lived in a college dorm room and just had a dorm room’s worth of stuff. I don’t help other people and I don’t expect them to help me. I feel I’ve kept a few friendships that way. As to the OP, I think I would be busy, already have plans that weekend. Maybe some other weekend. At this point, if you intend to help on a weekend when all parties are present, I might try to survey things beforehand, and make sure the majority of things are already packed up. Helping move is one thing, helping pack the same day is entirely different. ---
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2011, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696/39 "2011-09-02T23:12:49Z")
> [@crazytooth615](#): > > Am I crazy? Dental records don’t look promising. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2011, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696/40 "2011-09-02T23:22:34Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > - I will not lift anything that might cause injury. You have a piano, hire movers. Your couch weighs 500 lbs, hire movers. Good points. Regarding this one in particular, some people seem not to want to use professional movers, because they think the stuff will be safer in the hands of their amateur friends and relatives. I think exactly the opposite. The professional movers know how to move expensive or heavy items without injuring themselves, breaking your stuff or marring the walls. They do that by using lots of moving blankets, tape, paper and plastic wrap. And they use lots of furniture dollies so that lifting is minimized. While I haven’t moved in more than a decade, the last move was with pros and the next one will be as well. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/helping-my-couple-friends-move-and-she-doesnt-plan-to-be-there/594696.md?page=3)