# Hemorrhoids are awful. Christ. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 22, 2013, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-awful-christ/661664 "2013-06-22T22:39:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2013, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-awful-christ/661664/41 "2013-06-24T23:08:49Z")
Just wait until they give you a fistula, like mine did. Kid, think fiber, fiber fiber. Dietary fiber will ease your burdens. And stay the hell away from over the counter stuff with Witch-hazel. Trust me, I been there, and you’ll regret it in the long run. ---
**Author:** ![Lsura](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7993a0/32.png) [@Lsura](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lsura)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2013, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-awful-christ/661664/42 "2013-06-24T23:52:15Z")
I’ve spent time over the last year occasionally dealing with My First Hemorrhoid. It took some time to figure out what was going on because it just wasn’t getting better. What I learned for me: The wet wipe things (charmin, specifically for me) don’t help. In fact, they made things worse. Having to wait to poop is a Bad Thing for me. When I need to poop, I go (assuming, of course, that I’m somewhere with facilities) Cold and Advil when necessary - once I tried the cold, Advil use became much less often. Now, I go with lots of fiber, lots of water and I make sure I exercise because it does help, and it seems to be under control, at least lately. The fiber increase seemed to make things worse for a little while, but now it’s much better. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2013, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-awful-christ/661664/43 "2013-06-25T00:09:25Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > So which is a greater pain in the ass . . . his hemorrhoid or his being a Cubs fan? On the other hand, if he painted it blue & touched his toes, he wouldn’t have to buy one of those foam “[we’re number one](http://haleygirl.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/finger.jpg)” fingers all season. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2013, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-awful-christ/661664/44 "2013-06-25T01:44:48Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > On the other hand, if he painted it blue & touched his toes, he wouldn’t have to buy one of those foam “[we’re number one](http://haleygirl.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/finger.jpg)” fingers all season. 😃 LMAO Count. You are sick. I like that. ---
**Author:** ![minlokwat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/minlokwat/32/2844_2.png) [@minlokwat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/minlokwat)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2013, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-awful-christ/661664/45 "2013-06-25T03:22:56Z")
Well since we’re doing jokes… A guy walks into the doctor’s office with a scorching case of hemorrhoids. The doctor examines him, gives him a handful of suppositories and tells him to take these and if he’s not better after a week, he should come back in. A week passes by and the guy is back in the doctor’s office. He says to the doctor, “Not only are the hemorrhoids still there, this is the worst tasting medication I’ve ever had.” The doctor looks at him and says, “You do realize suppositories are not meant to be swallowed.” And the guy says to the doctor, “What do you want me to do? Shove them up my ass?” Don’t forget to tip your servers! ---
**Author:** ![russian\_heel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f05b48/32.png) [@russian\_heel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/russian_heel)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2013, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-awful-christ/661664/46 "2013-06-25T05:14:14Z")
Ive heard or read somewhere that hemmoroids are primarily a Western phenomenon because its healthier to squat than to sit when doing a #2 (ie we might laugh at traditional Chinese toilets, but you dont see very many Chinese bow-legged and gritting their teeth in pain when they walk) ---
**Author:** ![fjs1fs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9e8a1a/32.png) [@fjs1fs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fjs1fs)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2013, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-awful-christ/661664/47 "2013-06-25T12:39:38Z")
> [@Cubsfan](#): > > I’m a 36 y/o male. I’ve got a hemi the size of a babies big toe, I’m not sure if this counts as a big one or a small one. I’ve had it for a few days and it just changed from irritating to painful in the last 24 hrs. No idea really what to do with this fucking thing. I’m Tucksing it, Prep-H ing it etc… This morning it felt like it was retracting or whatever the fuck you call it when it goes back inside or dies or whatever, but tonight for some reason my ass is fucking me up like Tyler Durdin. > > Any clenching of the ole balloon knot from pissing (you know, when you are squeezing the last of it out), yelling at the kids etc… results in a feeling like a bee sting in the “ring”. > > Kind of feels like having a goat head thorn stuck between my cheeks. > > I was able to run today without any real pain, which is good because I haven’t exercised in a week, but things are fucked up now. I’ve absorbed all of the horror stories online about blood clots turning this into a serious thing and people having one stick around for months. Ugh. > > Last one was only around a weekish. I can’t imagine having a whole stack of these things poking out. > > Is a babies big toe sized hemi a “big” one, “small” one? I have no idea. I get them from time to time and they can be Very Annoying! I’ve always “ridden them out,” as opposed to going to a Dr.. Sometimes it takes a couple of days, and other times they’ve lasted a couple of weeks. Whenever they happen, I take a lot of sitz baths, followed by drying off completely and then applying a wad of toilet paper soaked with witch hazel for about 10-15 minutes, and then drying off completely again. I eat a lot of high fiber foods during an onset, and avoid fat, especially red meat, and try not to overindulge in alcohol. If you google “hemorrhoid diet” you get great information on this. The beauty of google is that I don’t have to memorize it, but just go back and re-google it. It’s a good idea to always eat a lot of fiber; I’ve been pretty vigilant about this, and maybe there’s a causality, not sure, but I haven’t seen the big H in a while! Knock on Wood. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2013, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-awful-christ/661664/48 "2013-06-25T15:39:14Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Engineering Stool That’s where they work it out with a slide rule. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2013, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-awful-christ/661664/49 "2013-06-25T17:30:38Z")
> [@Siam\_Sam](#): > > That’s where they work it out with a slide rule. Whereas at math stool they work it out with a pencil. Or, in extreme cases, use natural logs. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![hotflungwok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/edb3f5/32.png) [@hotflungwok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hotflungwok)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2013, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-awful-christ/661664/50 "2013-06-25T17:38:49Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > Whereas at math stool they work it out with a pencil. > > Or, in extreme cases, use natural logs. :eek: What do they do at a chemistry stool? Or an electrical engineering stool? ---
**Author:** ![hotflungwok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/edb3f5/32.png) [@hotflungwok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hotflungwok)\ **Post date:** [June 25, 2013, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-awful-christ/661664/51 "2013-06-25T17:41:47Z")
> [@iiandyiiii](#): > > Never had the 'rrhoids, but after experiencing bathroom etiquette/mechanics in the Middle East (Bahrain) during my time in the Navy, I made a modification to my bathroom at home: installed a bidet attachment (sprayer hose). No more toilet paper for me- just a nice, refreshing jet of water that cleans the area with no friction. > > I highly, highly recommend it. I am intrigued. What kind do you have? How much did it cost? Is it something you can install on a toilet in an apartment so it can be uninstalled without damaging anything? ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2013, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-awful-christ/661664/52 "2013-06-26T14:48:43Z")
> [@hotflungwok](#): > > What do they do at a chemistry stool? Burn it out with acid? ---
**Author:** ![Zeke\_N.Destroi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/4af34b/32.png) [@Zeke\_N.Destroi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeke_N.Destroi)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2013, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-awful-christ/661664/53 "2013-06-26T15:04:27Z")
> [@black\_rabbit](#): > > T-fucking-MI: > > After one particularly painful episode, resulting in a trip to the ER with me screaming in agony, crying, and freaking my wife the hell out, I got myself a scrip for Oxycodone and finally made an appointment with a proctologist. > > Luckily, I was right on the border between being a good candidate for rubber band ligation and being a potential candidate for traditional hemorrhoidectomy. Trust me - you DO NOT want to get a hemorrhoidectomy. The recovery is three weeks to a month and a half, most of which is screaming agony with maxi pads in your buttcrack. > > I took the rubber band ligation route instead. I had three procedures over three months. Each resulted in a day or two of discomfort, but it was well worth it. My sphincter won’t win any beauty contests any more, but the results were life changing. I’ve been getting them for about 16 years now (I’m in my late 30’s) and let me just concur that getting the fuckers ectomied resulted in the most agonizing, degrading experience of my life. Thankfully for me (and the wife - 7 months pregnant with twins at the time) the recovery only took about two weeks with some TMI side issues continuing for months (and in one case to the present three years later.) At the first sight of them you should declare total war and accept nothing but unconditional surrender. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2013, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-awful-christ/661664/54 "2013-06-26T15:16:53Z")
> [@hotflungwok](#): > > I am intrigued. What kind do you have? How much did it cost? [This kind](http://www.amazon.com/Blue-Bidet-BB-50-Certification-Adjustable/dp/B002ZBP93K/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1372259537&sr=8-1&keywords=bidet+hose+attachment)- about $40. > [@](#): > > Is it something you can install on a toilet in an apartment so it can be uninstalled without damaging anything? Yes. Use teflon tape to prevent leaks. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2013, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-awful-christ/661664/55 "2013-06-26T15:32:29Z")
> [@hotflungwok](#): > > Or an electrical engineering stool? Currently? If they conduct a continuous load, discharge is certain…but they should watch for arcing. As for removing a joule… ohm… ground the base & complete the circuit? Resistance should be nominal (and futile). Still, I’d recommend insulation in case of a corona discharge… ---
**Author:** ![Doughbag](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@Doughbag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doughbag)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2013, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-awful-christ/661664/56 "2013-06-26T15:33:53Z")
> [@Cubsfan](#): > > Kind of feels like having a goat head thorn stuck between my cheeks. Kinky!!! How do you know how that feels? … then again, do I really want or need to know this? ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2013, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-awful-christ/661664/57 "2013-06-27T00:02:06Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > Still, I’d recommend insulation in case of a corona discharge… Wait…! I forgot something very important. You need to be absolutely positive that there isn’t a transformer\*\*\*\*\* installed by that joule or there could be an explosion. \*\*\*\*\* Transformer: robot in dis guy… While I can’t find an exact video, [this is about as close as I could find](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Loy0e2EZbI&feature=player_detailpage#t=2839s)… “…energy output zero…radiation level…normal…” ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2013, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-awful-christ/661664/58 "2013-06-27T14:32:44Z")
> [@black\_rabbit](#): > > Yup. I never had one lanced, because I always tried to tough it out for a few days before going to the doctor. Dumb move - they’ll only lance a thrombosed one if it’s been clotted for LESS THAN three days. > > T-fucking-MI: > > After one particularly painful episode, resulting in a trip to the ER with me screaming in agony, crying, and freaking my wife the hell out, I got myself a scrip for Oxycodone and finally made an appointment with a proctologist. > > Luckily, I was right on the border between being a good candidate for rubber band ligation and being a potential candidate for traditional hemorrhoidectomy. Trust me - you DO NOT want to get a hemorrhoidectomy. The recovery is three weeks to a month and a half, most of which is screaming agony with maxi pads in your buttcrack. > > I took the rubber band ligation route instead. I had three procedures over three months. Each resulted in a day or two of discomfort, but it was well worth it. My sphincter won’t win any beauty contests any more, but the results were life changing. > > Cubsfan, assuming this one goes away on its own after a couple of weeks, you should seriously address your fiber intake. If another one pops up, don’t even bother seeing your GP - get in to see a proctologist ASAP. It’s better to catch that shit early. And if you get the feeling that somebody’s shoving barbed knitting needles into your starfish, get to the ER and either get it lanced or get some pain meds. Gah. I had a thrombosed 'roid and like a sap I went to my family doc. Of course, getting an appointment to him took three days. He then set me up with a surgical specialist. Another two-three weeks went by. By that time, the damn thing had burst on its own and disappeared. Of course, I had all the fun of a week or more of agony and two completely useless wastes of time for all involved. 😃 Next time, I’m off to emerge first thing. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-awful-christ/661664.md?page=2)