# Hemorrhoids are fucking little ass demons. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 28, 2014, 9:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226 "2014-07-28T09:53:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Jmurph7488](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a8b319/32.png) [@Jmurph7488](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jmurph7488)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 9:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226/1 "2014-07-28T09:53:30Z")
It turns out I have a hemorrhoid on my butthole and the fiery little hell demon Bastard is killing me. What can I do to make this horrible little cocksucker fuck off and go back to hell where it came from ---
**Author:** ![engineer\_comp\_geek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/engineer_comp_geek/32/504_2.png) [@engineer\_comp\_geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/engineer_comp_geek)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 9:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226/2 "2014-07-28T09:58:16Z")
**Moderator Action** Welcome to the SDMB. Medical advice questions belong in our In My Humble Opinion forum. As the forum name implies, any responses you get there are just the opinions of some online folks and should not be taken as the equivalent of professional medical advice. Moving thread from General Questions to In My Humble Opinion. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 11:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226/3 "2014-07-28T11:19:11Z")
One word: witchhazel ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226/4 "2014-07-28T11:32:21Z")
> [@Fear\_Itself](#): > > One word: witchhazel One additional word: topically. šŸ˜‰ ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 11:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226/5 "2014-07-28T11:43:00Z")
> [@Fear\_Itself](#): > > One word: witchhazel > [@kayaker](#): > > One additional word: topically. > > šŸ˜‰ Yet another additional word (or three): on yerā€™ arsehole. šŸ˜‰ ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 11:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226/6 "2014-07-28T11:58:29Z")
Had one about eight years ago, and another a year after that. Each disappeared on its own without special treatment over the course of maybe ten days. Donā€™t know what caused them, but I havenā€™t had any before or since. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226/7 "2014-07-28T12:49:13Z")
> [@Jmurph7488](#): > > It turns out I have a hemorrhoid on my butthole and the fiery little hell demon Bastard is killing me. What can I do to make this horrible little cocksucker fuck off and go back to hell where it came from Rrhoid Rage!!! ā„¢ ---
**Author:** ![Ca3799](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9f8e36/32.png) [@Ca3799](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ca3799)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226/8 "2014-07-28T14:12:23Z")
Some things that help- Avoid constipation at all costs. Encourage soft stool, so high fiber (whloe grains, fruits with skins) and lots of liquids. Use constipation meds if needed. Stay regular. Cleanliness- to avoid irritation by using wipes, water, or whatever suits you after stooling. Any tiny bit of stool will irritate the area. Hemorrhoids can trap tiny bits of stool in the area due to their shape and tenderness. Topical meds- witch hazel was mentioned above is OK (I never found it particularly helpful, myself), but also things like baby oil gel, hydrocortizone creams- any of the over-the-counter hemorrhoid treatments. If your hemorrhoid is just swollen, you can also use Motrin or Tylenol (no aspirin!)- any of the over-the-counter pain killers that also have anti-inflammatory properties- for discomfort. If your hemorrhoid is thrombosed (has a blood clot in it) it will be hot, hard, red or purple (inflamed looking) and very painful. It may need to be incised and expressed (drained) by a doctor. This procedure is accompanied by a lidocaine shot in the area, so you will get immediate relief from the pain. ---
**Author:** ![JKilez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e5b9ba/32.png) [@JKilez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKilez)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226/9 "2014-07-28T14:30:17Z")
> [@Ca3799](#): > > If your hemorrhoid is just swollen, you can also use Motrin or Tylenol (no aspirin!)- any of the over-the-counter pain killers that also have anti-inflammatory properties- for discomfort. Why no aspirin? ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226/10 "2014-07-28T14:35:00Z")
> [@Jmurph7488](#): > > ā€¦ my buttholeā€¦ Hey, does that thing have a Hemi in it? ---
**Author:** ![Si\_Amigo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/si_amigo/32/2877_2.png) [@Si\_Amigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Si_Amigo)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226/11 "2014-07-28T14:48:29Z")
I thought that this was what[Preparation H](http://www.livestrong.com/article/19192-uses-preparation-h/)was for, but now I see that it is also used for ā€œotherā€ things so I can see the confusion. Do I put it on my ass, my abs or my face? Or should I just bath in it? ---
**Author:** ![snowthx](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowthx/32/10660_2.png) [@snowthx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snowthx)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226/12 "2014-07-28T15:07:16Z")
> [@Jmurph7488](#): > > It turns out I have a hemorrhoid on my butthole and the fiery little hell demon Bastard is killing me. What can I do to make this horrible little cocksucker fuck off and go back to hell where it came from You can always just [push it back in](http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/understanding-hemorrhoids-basics): _They usually recede into the rectum on their own; if they donā€™t, they can be gently pushed back into place._ :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226/13 "2014-07-28T15:15:13Z")
Yes, after you shit too hard you have to push them back inside. Or: you can shit really, really hard and turn yourself completely inside out, then do it again at your next BM. On days when youā€™re inside-out, you can swim to give yourself a full cleansing, or do like a dry rub with essential herbs. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226/14 "2014-07-28T15:47:25Z")
> [@JKilez](#): > > Why no aspirin? Itā€™s an inflammation, and aspirin isnā€™t an anti-inflammatory. ---
**Author:** ![JKilez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e5b9ba/32.png) [@JKilez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKilez)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226/15 "2014-07-28T15:53:19Z")
> [@Miller](#): > > Itā€™s an inflammation, and aspirin isnā€™t an anti-inflammatory. It is classified as a [NSAID](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonsteroidal_anti-inflammatory_drugs). Are there two meanings for anti-inflammatory? ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226/16 "2014-07-28T15:56:26Z")
> [@lieu](#): > > Hey, does that thing have a Hemi in it? ā€¦when heā€™s out for a walk, do cars stop thinking heā€™s hitch-hiking? ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226/17 "2014-07-28T16:40:15Z")
> [@JKilez](#): > > It is classified as a [NSAID](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonsteroidal_anti-inflammatory_drugs). Are there two meanings for anti-inflammatory? If aspirin is avoided it is likely due to its effects on coagulation. ---
**Author:** ![Matt1075](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/94ad74/32.png) [@Matt1075](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Matt1075)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226/18 "2014-07-28T17:04:39Z")
I too have had problems in this area. What was said previously about avoiding constipation is good advice. Someting I have found to be VERY effective that no one else has mentioned is taking a pine bark extract supplement such as this one: > **[Swanson Superior Herbs Pine Bark Extract - Standardized 50 mg 100 Caps -...](https://www.swansonvitamins.com/p/swanson-superior-herbs-pine-bark-extract-50-mg-100-caps)** > > Improve your day-to-day wellness with Swanson Superior Herbs Pine Bark Extract - Standardized 50 mg 100 Caps from Swanson Health Products. If I do get some irritation, taking one of these capsules (orally) will releave the pain. Take them daily as a preventative. BTW, eating watermelon two or three times a day makes a good stool softener. ---
**Author:** ![Matt1075](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/94ad74/32.png) [@Matt1075](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Matt1075)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226/19 "2014-07-28T17:12:34Z")
Here is a cite on the pine bark: > **[Study shows pine bark naturally relieves symptoms of acute hemorrhoids](https://www.eurekalert.org/news-releases/864232)** > > A study published in a recent issue of Phototherapy Research reveals Pycnogenol, an antioxidant plant extract from the bark of the French maritime pine tree, has important anti-inflammatory and anti-thrombotic properties that may be beneficial in... ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2014, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226/20 "2014-07-28T17:22:10Z")
It sounds like a thrombosed hemmorhoid. Gently try to push it back in. If it doesnā€™t resolve itself in a few days, see a doctor, it might have to be surgically addresses (minor) ā€“ I had one done, and it never recurred. George Brett missed a World Series game with one. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/hemorrhoids-are-fucking-little-ass-demons/694226.md?page=2)