# Henchpersons Wanted. Inquire Within. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 4, 2006, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254 "2006-04-04T14:38:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 10
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2006, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/181 "2006-04-08T15:11:36Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > Think we should send the Axe? The Clam? Scumpup? Tough call here, Jim. I think all 3 and myself will have to join forces for this one, ‘the Axe’ should be able to handle the prototypical bad aim soldiers and the rest of us will make the “Offer”. **gabriela** better come along to clean-up after ‘the Axe’. It should advance her training at the same time. Maybe we could get her one of those 1920 style Ray guns to use. > [@Winston Smith](#): > > **Mom** , a “couple” of my “friends” might “stop by” to “say hello”. Will you be home? Just wondering. I’ll “call” you “later”. BWA-HA-ha. Ahem. Hey Boss, do you want a final solution or just some “Persuasive Argument” with Tea and Cake? Jim ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2006, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/182 "2006-04-08T19:46:00Z")
> [@What Exit?](#): > > I think all 3 and myself will have to join forces for this one, ‘the Axe’ should be able to handle the prototypical bad aim soldiers and the rest of us will make the “Offer”. > **gabriela** better come along to clean-up after ‘the Axe’. It should advance her training at the same time. Maybe we could get her one of those 1920 style Ray guns to use. > Hey Boss, do you want a final solution or just some “Persuasive Argument” with Tea and Cake? > > Jim Good thinking on tha “first thing”. Regarding the, uh, “second thing”, call the **Baker**. Then call and tell the **Clam** where to _send the flowers_. Don’t forget to “send” my “condolences”. And, uh, pls update me Re. Status. Thx /v ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/183 "2006-04-09T01:42:08Z")
Dear Mr Smith, I am pleased to sat that your former HR staffers are now only lithified fragments on the bottom of the South China Sea: lithified fragments, some of which still bear expressions of terror moulded permanently into their limestone contours. I have cleaned and adjusted the computers in the HR office. You would not _believe_ the amount of viruses and spyware I found on them. Keyloggers, desktop capture daemons, packet sniffers… SPECTRE, KAOS, SMERSH, CSIS, and the whole frickin’ CIA/NSA/DIA complex could be reading what they were doing. After I cleaned all that crap out of the computers, their official applications ran an average of five times faster. I know that using Bill’s products shows solidarity with the cause and all, but do we have to sacrifice _operational efficiency_ to the cause as well? You know as well as I that results are what matters. All else can be spun by Marketing. Therefore, the HR systems have been rebuilt using a central content-management system, database, and application server on security-hardened Linux. No unsupervised user additions are allowed. Instructions and keys to the systems’ data-monitoring utilities are provided in the attachment below. \ ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/184 "2006-04-09T02:31:30Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > Dear Mr Smith, > > I am pleased to sat that your former HR staffers are now only lithified fragments on the bottom of the South China Sea: lithified fragments, some of which still bear expressions of terror moulded permanently into their limestone contours. You threw away lithified humans?! Did you also dump an original Tucker becuase you assumed that since the company folded, no one would want one? Did you toss some bottles of Chateau Lefit, thinking that everybody wants nice, fresh wine? Have you heard of CarnegieMelon university? Do you know that the Carnegies and the Melons remain stunningly wealthy? Obviously, you do not know that they, and other people of their financial status and social circle, highly prize lithified humans as works of art. A well posed specimen, with the right color of stone and a proper finish can be sold for more than an Astin Martin, Bentley, or Rolls Royce. Lithified humans also exhibit unique properties found in no other material. Physicists, robotics researchers, structural engineers, and DARPA bemoan the fact that socialites have driven up the price on this rare material simply to use it as decoration. Those lithified humans who are not aesthetically pleasing can still be sold to scientists at a tidy sum. By smashing the specimens in question you have lost any chance of selling them as objects de art. The force of smashing them has also permanently altered the internal stresses and unalterably warped the microcrystaline lattices. The temperature and pressure changes encountered while sinking to the ocean floor have destroyed almost all other value in the material. The exposure to saline solution filled with sediment, microscopic organisms, and countless organic chemicals has removed the last vestige of worth from the fragments. What next **Sunspace** do you plan to clean up the Mona Lisa with a pressurized stream of mineral spirits? Planning on sanding the stealth fighter down to the primer because you think you can give it a cooler paint job? **Mouse Maven** , **Nava** Now do you see what comes from being an underling? What crimes against science are the other henchman committing even now? Work for yourself. Oversee the lab yourself. Ensure quest for knowledge is never impeded by such mistakes as these. ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/185 "2006-04-09T03:00:18Z")
**DocCathode** : Doc if you stop trying to recruit away from us, I would like to discuss the concept of retaining you as an independent contractor and supplier of High Tech Gadgets. I understand you are the best in the business. This could be a win-win. We can work together and help fund your own Mad science endeavors as you supply the special needs a great leader like Mr. Smith needs. **Winston Smith** : Several updates. 1. Project Plobs™ will be handled tonight, As long as \*\*“The Axe” \*\* gives the word he is ready. 2. I have delegated the Mother’s Day visit to **Baker** , he should be handling the details and notifying yourself and **Happy Clam** 3. I didn’t want to let my primary mission slip, it is a small gain but it turned out the Entire Russian Mafia was really one financial group and I have accessed their entire net worth for you and I can probably swing their soldiers under your control in the next few weeks. 4. We need to replace our HR staff, though Kudos to **Sunspace** for clearing up a nasty problem and security hole. 5. We need a larger AP/AR staff to handle some of the little details that make a successful evil Empire run like Clockwork. Jim ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/186 "2006-04-09T03:03:00Z")
> [@DocCathode](#): > > You threw away lithified humans?! Did you also dump an original Tucker becuase you assumed that since the company folded, no one would want one? Did you toss some bottles of Chateau Lefit, thinking that everybody wants nice, fresh wine? And exactly how are those lithified humans going to retain their value now that the lithification process can be fast and easy? My Lith-O-Zap[sup]TM[/sup] Bulk Lithification Unit was able to handle all of Mr Smith’s HR minions in only three loads with modest power requirements. Organising the fleet of eighteen-wheelers to take the lithified remains to the docks was much more of an effort, actually. Remember planned scarcity, **DocCathode**. Remember the lesson of DeBeers. > [@DocCathode](#): > > Have you heard of CarnegieMelon university? Do you know that the Carnegies and the Melons remain stunningly wealthy? Obviously, you do not know that they, and other people of their financial status and social circle, highly prize lithified humans as works of art. A well posed specimen, with the right color of stone and a proper finish can be sold for more than an Astin Martin, Bentley, or Rolls Royce. > > Lithified humans also exhibit unique properties found in no other material. Physicists, robotics researchers, structural engineers, and DARPA bemoan the fact that socialites have driven up the price on this rare material simply to use it as decoration. Those lithified humans who are not aesthetically pleasing can still be sold to scientists at a tidy sum. > > By smashing the specimens in question you have lost any chance of selling them as objects de art. The force of smashing them has also permanently altered the internal stresses and unalterably warped the microcrystaline lattices. The temperature and pressure changes encountered while sinking to the ocean floor have destroyed almost all other value in the material. The exposure to saline solution filled with sediment, microscopic organisms, and countless organic chemicals has removed the last vestige of worth from the fragments. Thank you. You have reminded me why I’m evil. I simply do not care about irreplaceable artifacts, Boons to Humanity, or any other such distractions. My duty to my Evil Employer and to World Evil in general takes precedence. > [@DocCathode](#): > > What next **Sunspace** do you plan to clean up the Mona Lisa with a pressurized stream of mineral spirits? Planning on sanding the stealth fighter down to the primer because you think you can give it a cooler paint job? If my employer so orders, and if there is profit in it, and if the publicity fits our Evil Plans, you’ll be among the first to know. > [@DocCathode](#): > > **Mouse Maven** , **Nava** Now do you see what comes from being an underling? What crimes against science are the other henchman committing even now? Work for yourself. Oversee the lab yourself. Ensure quest for knowledge is never impeded by such mistakes as these. Ah. I see now. All your protestations and defenses are really just a smokescreen for setting up on your own. Heretical splittist! Where is your loyalty to World Evil? Where is your loyalty to our employer? When Mr Smith’s _trusted_ minions arrive to take their justified revenge, you will learn the cost of independantism. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/187 "2006-04-09T03:10:43Z")
> [@What Exit?](#): > > **DocCathode** : Doc if you stop trying to recruit away from us, I would like to discuss the concept of retaining you as an independent contractor and supplier of High Tech Gadgets. I understand you are the best in the business. First, my work is for the betterment of all humanity. The public does not understand this, they accuse me of tampering with things man was not meant to know, etc. But, my goal is to elevate every man, woman, and child, not to rule over them. Second, while I am a premier EtherPsychologist, and the leading expert on the NonCorporealConsciousnessField, there are many Scientists whose skill in electronics, metalurgy, robotics, cybernetics, and chemistry far exceed my own. ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/188 "2006-04-09T03:34:54Z")
> [@DocCathode](#): > > First, my work is for the betterment of all humanity. The public does not understand this, they accuse me of tampering with things man was not meant to know, etc. But, my goal is to elevate every man, woman, and child, not to rule over them. > > Second, while I am a premier EtherPsychologist, and the leading expert on the NonCorporealConsciousnessField, there are many Scientists whose skill in electronics, metalurgy, robotics, cybernetics, and chemistry far exceed my own. Ah, I was just buttering you up to close the deal. Besides I think we have kept you talking long enough to let **Sunspace** figure out where you are located. **Sunspace** please take care of this however you see fit and report back to Mr. Smith. Jim ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/189 "2006-04-09T04:07:17Z")
Sir, We have an emergency, I have just intercepted through my diligence a top secret communication from one \*\*Revenant Threshold \*\*. He is [Holding out for a Hero - or three.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=7279986#post7279986) This will require your full powers as an evil Genius I fear. Jim ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/190 "2006-04-09T04:43:45Z")
> [@What Exit?](#): > > **Sunspace** please take care of this however you see fit and report back to Mr. Smith. Done. :: BZZZOWNNTT :: Bwa ha ha ha… ---
**Author:** ![Declan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecae2f/32.png) [@Declan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declan)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/191 "2006-04-09T07:03:18Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > I have cleaned and adjusted the computers in the HR office. You would not _believe_ the amount of viruses and spyware I found on them. Keyloggers, desktop capture daemons, packet sniffers… SPECTRE, KAOS, SMERSH, CSIS, and the whole frickin’ CIA/NSA/DIA complex could be reading what they were doing. After I cleaned all that crap out of the computers, their official applications ran an average of five times faster. Memo to Winston Smith CC Sunspace Please be advised of my occasional employers desire to keep tabs on our citizens extra curricular activities and how your govt would like to help. The invasive and passive data mining, as mentioned above is for your protection ,from unscrupulous individuals who would make the world safe for peace love and happiness. On a side note to Sunspace , you are clearly not educated in the Inteligence sector, but more in the technical side of things , you would do well to remember that once you determine that you have an outbound conduit or twenty , you dont shut it down , you feed it, now instead of letting certain alphabet soup agencies know what you want them to know, you have created a situation where next generation surveillance capabilities will be required. Now my pager is going off again Declan ---
**Author:** ![Greebo\_Ogg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e19adc/32.png) [@Greebo\_Ogg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greebo_Ogg)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/192 "2006-04-09T13:21:21Z")
> [@butler1850](#): > > All around IT guy (phones, faxes, printers, PCs, servers, network) available for a full time benefits position. Wide range of professional contacts for Database and coding work. Aww, come on! The man is looking for _evil_ henchpersons, not _diabolical_! You’re obviously overqualified. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/193 "2006-04-09T13:53:57Z")
> [@What Exit?](#): > > Sir, We have an emergency, I have just intercepted through my diligence a top secret communication from one \*\*Revenant Threshold \*\*. He is [Holding out for a Hero - or three.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=7279986#post7279986) > > This will require your full powers as an evil Genius I fear. > > Jim Good catch, **Jim**. Hopefully, we’ve “neutralized” this “threat”. We’ll take it up in the staff meeting (unless circumstances dictate _other actions_). And **Sunspace** needs to ride the pine for a few days (must be a _brain fever_ or something). ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/194 "2006-04-09T15:45:46Z")
Dear Mr Smith, Please be advised that I have started to insinuate myself as an “escapee” among the deluded minions of the Hero or Three organisation. They have already taken the bait. Disinformation commences. See attachment for details. \ ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/195 "2006-04-09T15:45:58Z")
Staff meeting? Can’t we just teleconference it? Enforcing your will is no easy business, sir, and I pride myself on doing the best job possible. Time spent in these staff meeting circle-jerks is time I am _not_ torturing heroes, eliminating substandard employees, “convincing” lesser villains of the wisdom of becoming your subordinate, or picking up your dry cleaning. Frankly, Mr. Smith, most staff meetings here are equal parts ass-kissing and backstabbing. As your enforcer and VP, I strongly recommend you opt for more of a top-down leadership strategy. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/196 "2006-04-09T15:52:35Z")
> [@Declan](#): > > On a side note to Sunspace , you are clearly not educated in the Inteligence sector, but more in the technical side of things , you would do well to remember that once you determine that you have an outbound conduit or twenty , you dont shut it down , you feed it, now instead of letting certain alphabet soup agencies know what you want them to know, you have created a situation where next generation surveillance capabilities will be required. Dear Declan, Please be advised that the required disinformation capabilities would have renderd the computers unusable, as they were not, shall we say, at the “leading edge”. In addition, the characteristic response of anyone in such a situation is to eradicate spyware, not coddle it. If I had not rebuilt the systems, that would have been suspicious and out of the ordinary. You wouldn’t happen to have an… “interest”… in such spyware, would you? CC: Mr Smith ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/197 "2006-04-09T16:18:23Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Staff meeting? Can’t we just teleconference it? Enforcing your will is no easy business, sir, and I pride myself on doing the best job possible. Time spent in these staff meeting circle-jerks is time I am _not_ torturing heroes, eliminating substandard employees, “convincing” lesser villains of the wisdom of becoming your subordinate, or picking up your dry cleaning. Frankly, Mr. Smith, most staff meetings here are equal parts ass-kissing and backstabbing. As your enforcer and VP, I strongly recommend you opt for more of a top-down leadership strategy. Indeed. As usual, you insolence is refreshing, if not misdirected. You _know_ I’m not one to micromanage, but let me remind you: a clock doesn’t know what time it is. Similarly, without the gentle guidence of an evil genius such as myself, you’d certainly devolve into lawyers, lobbyists, or talk-show hosts. Remember: I see the “big picture”. That’s my job. You think you’d pitch your henching better at Microsoft? The Democratic Party? Good luck. It’d be your funeral. You want to be a part of something BIG? Exactly. That’s why you’re here. Plus, the staff meetings have always been optional. You (of all people) should know this. I’m starting to think you’ve got too much “free time” on your “hands”. ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/198 "2006-04-09T19:09:34Z")
E M E R G E N C Y[COLOR=White]…B U L L E N T I N [/COLOR] Several of the operatives of Winston Smith Enterprises are under attack. Please send help my secret lair has gone to emergency shut down and while I should be able to hold out I do the exterior cleared. I fear they might discover my emergency fiber optic links. I understand they are going after \*\*Baker \*\* and \*\*Gabriella \*\* and **Sunspace**. Attack is of unknown origins, operatives appear to be a private militia force. I hope \*\*The Axe \*\* and others are available to help. I suspect \*\*Revenant \*\* might be striking early. Jim ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/199 "2006-04-09T19:27:31Z")
> [@What Exit?](#): > > E M E R G E N C Y[COLOR=White]…B U L L E N T I N [/COLOR] > > Several of the operatives of Winston Smith Enterprises are under attack. > Please send help my secret lair has gone to emergency shut down and while I should be able to hold out I do the exterior cleared. I fear they might discover my emergency fiber optic links. > > I understand they are going after \*\*Baker \*\* and \*\*Gabriella \*\* and **Sunspace**. > Attack is of unknown origins, operatives appear to be a private militia force. > I hope \*\*The Axe \*\* and others are available to help. I suspect \*\*Revenant \*\* might be striking early. > > Jim Settle down, man. It’s just the _smoke detector_, for Crissakes. Your nerves are frayed, son. Take a quaalude and a day off. Evil can wait. Your health is more important. /v ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/200 "2006-04-09T19:33:17Z")
> [@What Exit?](#): > > E M E R G E N C Y[COLOR=White]…B U L L E N T I N [/COLOR] > > Several of the operatives of Winston Smith Enterprises are under attack. > Please send help my secret lair has gone to emergency shut down and while I should be able to hold out I do the exterior cleared. I fear they might discover my emergency fiber optic links. > > I understand they are going after \*\*Baker \*\* and \*\*Gabriella \*\* and **Sunspace**. > Attack is of unknown origins, operatives appear to be a private militia force. > I hope \*\*The Axe \*\* and others are available to help. I suspect \*\*Revenant \*\* might be striking early. > > Jim Settle down, man. It’s just the _smoke detector_, for Crissakes. Your nerves are frayed, son. Take a quaalude and a day off. Evil can wait. Your health is more important. /v [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254.md?page=9) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254.md?page=11)