# Henchpersons Wanted. Inquire Within. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 4, 2006, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254 "2006-04-04T14:38:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/201 "2006-04-09T20:08:30Z")
> [@What Exit?](#): > > E M E R G E N C Y[COLOR=White]…B U L L E N T I N [/COLOR] > > Several of the operatives of Winston Smith Enterprises are under attack. > Please send help my secret lair has gone to emergency shut down and while I should be able to hold out I do the exterior cleared. I fear they might discover my emergency fiber optic links. > > I understand they are going after \*\*Baker \*\* and \*\*Gabriella \*\* and **Sunspace**. > Attack is of unknown origins, operatives appear to be a private militia force. > I hope \*\*The Axe \*\* and others are available to help. I suspect \*\*Revenant \*\* might be striking early. > > Jim Settle down, man. It’s just the _smoke detector_, for Crissakes. Your nerves are frayed, son. Take a quaalude and a day off. Evil can wait. Your health is more important. /v ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/202 "2006-04-09T20:11:30Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > Settle down, man. It’s just the _smoke detector_, for Crissakes. Your nerves are frayed, son. Take a quaalude and a day off. Evil can wait. Your health is more important. /v You think my nerves are frayed, you just sent the same message 3 times. I fear these are false messages and our Comlinks have been hijacked. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/203 "2006-04-09T20:12:39Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > Plus, the staff meetings have always been optional. You (of all people) should know this. I’m starting to think you’ve got too much “free time” on your “hands”. Shyeah,right…“optional.” After what you had me do to that **von Doom** fellow when he missed one of your “optional” staff meetings. “Optional” he says… ---
**Author:** ![rayh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@rayh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rayh)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/204 "2006-04-09T20:13:11Z")
> [@What Exit?](#): > > You think my nerves are frayed, you just sent the same message 3 times. I fear these are false messages and our Comlinks have been hijacked. Manic laugh. Ha ha ha ha ha !!! ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/205 "2006-04-09T20:53:14Z")
And don’t worry, I have the perfect disguise. Nobody is going to know me by sight, I guarantee, because of certain disinformation another Smith Enterprises henchperson was cooperative enough to furnish. **What Exit?** , come on over to my kitchen in the lair and I’ll give you some of my _special_ chocolate chip cookies. And take Mr. Smith’s advice, chill. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/206 "2006-04-09T21:00:04Z")
…_from Doc Cathode’s Answering Machine_… …don’t know why I’m calling you. Maybe I figured you’d understand. Why’d this have to happen? Everything was going so well! “We’ll be partners in evil!” he said. “You’ll be part of something big!” It was wonderful at first. he did make me feel like part of something big. Like I was valued! **sound of drinking** Aaah! Evil bourbon… He made me feel special. “Rub my shoulders, Scumpup.” “Make some of those miniature quiche with the pancetta, you know I adore them, Scumpup!” “Force a busload of orphans and nuns over a cliff, Scumpup.” “Strangle the janitorial staff, Scumpup.” _sound of drinking sound of breaking glass_ Bitch! After what I gave you, you toss me aside for some [whoring hero](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=366582) you had a tawdry night with in Reykjavík. I won’t be trifled with this way! **sound of sobbing** What’s **Threshold** got, **Cathode**? What’s he givong Mr. Smith that I can’t? Why can’t things be like they used to be? They’re going to pay for this. Oh my sweet Lud are they going to pay! **line goes dead** ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/207 "2006-04-09T21:55:45Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > …_from Doc Cathode’s Answering Machine_… > > …don’t know why I’m calling you. Maybe I figured you’d understand. Why’d this have to happen? > Everything was going so well! “We’ll be partners in evil!” he said. “You’ll be part of something big!” It was wonderful at first. he did make me feel like part of something big. Like I was valued! **sound of drinking** Aaah! Evil bourbon… > He made me feel special. “Rub my shoulders, Scumpup.” “Make some of those miniature quiche with the pancetta, you know I adore them, Scumpup!” “Force a busload of orphans and nuns over a cliff, Scumpup.” “Strangle the janitorial staff, Scumpup.” > _sound of drinking > sound of breaking glass_ > Bitch! After what I gave you, you toss me aside for some [whoring hero](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=366582) you had a tawdry night with in Reykjavík. > > I won’t be trifled with this way! > > **sound of sobbing** > > What’s **Threshold** got, **Cathode**? What’s he givong Mr. Smith that I can’t? Why can’t things be like they used to be? > > They’re going to pay for this. Oh my sweet Lud are they going to pay! > > **line goes dead** This is _exactly_ why you need to come in from the field for a staff meeting once in a while. These feelings of being disconnected are your own fault. Can “someone” go and “comfort” **Scumpup** , please? And try “not” to “make” it too “painful”. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2006, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/208 "2006-04-09T22:10:47Z")
I knew I should have checked my e-mail and answering machine before running errands. Reports of my demise, are as exaggerated as I intended them to be. Do any of you honestly think you can overcome my defenses? At their first training session, a Bene Gesserit student is told to stare at their hands until they become those centenarian, and then the hands of a newborn. What lesson is the student meant to learn from this? What is solipsism? What is the one fact you can be certain of? Who are the Talosians, and why is their planet quarantined? The Talosians had the ability to project completely convincing illusions into the minds of others. Cogito ergo sum. I think, therefore I am. The senses are unreliable. You may be certain that you exist. Every other fact is suspect. Solipsism is the belief that you, and you alone exist. What then, is the first lesson learned by a Bene Gesserit? My mind controls my reality. What is my area of expertise? Do you understand now how well protected I am? I don’t need to develop armor to block your weapons. It is a simple thing to give you the illusion that you’ve killed me, when what you’ve really done is point an inactive weapon at me, then turned and left. It’s no dificulty to assemble a mannequin of soda bottles and duct tape, so that you can display my corpse to others. Bypassing perimeter alarms and internal sensors is a challenge. But, why bother? It is trivial to give the enemy selective blindness and deafness. Klaxxons blair, lights flash, an automated voice announces the presence of an intruder. While your other perceptions remain unchanged, you don’t hear the klaxxons, see the lights, or hear the announcement. Computer screens display me as I pass from security camera to security camera. You see nothing unusual. I could be standing right next to you. None of your senses will percieve me. If I stand in the middle of a hallway, you will conveniently detour around me. You won’t realize that you’re doing that either. Where am I right now? How can you possibly be sure of that? ---
**Author:** ![Declan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecae2f/32.png) [@Declan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declan)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2006, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/209 "2006-04-10T00:03:01Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > Dear Declan, > > Please be advised that the required disinformation capabilities would have renderd the computers unusable, as they were not, shall we say, at the “leading edge”. In addition, the characteristic response of anyone in such a situation is to eradicate spyware, not coddle it. If I had not rebuilt the systems, that would have been suspicious and out of the ordinary. You wouldn’t happen to have an…\*\* “interest”… in such spyware, would you?\*\* > > CC: Mr Smith The spyware itself , nope thats the technical shop’s side of the street, my interest is more along the lines of the take, whats the chatter , who has Gabby in HR being romantic with in Marketing , When Mr Smith sends out his order for womens underwear ,that sort of thing. The thing is that some of the more interesting software is Bulgarian, whose masters in the Kremlin so many years ago , were taking an interest in passive collection aggragators in the personal computing industry ,this was monitored by the folks in Bletchly Hall, whose mail was being read by the CIA and cross monitored by the Disney corparation. A crazy web we weave , you might be thinking ,but these folks are constantly monitoring everyone else ,and their brother, so you have a memo that is generated by department 3 in the KGB , twenty years ago, being sold by a disgruntled apparachik in the FSB, who sold out to Australian inteligence, and now wants to retire to Florida. Now what Mr Winston wants with lacy womens underwear is not our concern, but in langley virginnia , the CIA has a team collecting old sperm samples off discarded items, that were liberated in a Dumpster diving expedition. So you see , how do we know that Mr Smith actually has a fetish for lacy satin underthings, when he could be spreading disinformation , and now you have shut down the conduit that this information was being spread, I hear your in hi…on vacation in scarborough for a few days , so have a good time , **Warden and Kennedy** are really nice and scenic this time of year. Declan ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2006, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/210 "2006-04-10T00:20:03Z")
\< **Bosda** drags coffin full of…_“spare parts”_…to the laboratory.\> ---
**Author:** ![Nic2004](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/4491bb/32.png) [@Nic2004](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nic2004)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2006, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/211 "2006-04-10T00:36:30Z")
Please allow me to introduce myself I’m a man of wealth and taste I’ve been around for a long long year stolen many man’s soul and faith I was around when Jesus Christ had His moment of doubt and pain Made damn sure that Pilate washed his hands and sealed His fate Stuck around St. Petersburg when I saw it was a time for a change Killed the Tzar and his ministers, Anastasia screamed in vain I rode a tank held a gen’rals rank when the blitzkrieg raged and the bodies stank. I’d always be up for work in a similar vein. No fee required. The work is it’s own reward. Pleased to make your acquaintance. I hope you’ve managed to guess my other name. ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2006, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/212 "2006-04-10T00:49:01Z")
> [@Nic2004](#): > > …snip… > Pleased to make your acquaintance. I hope you’ve managed to guess my other name. Hi Dick Cheney. 😉 Jim {Hey I am still waiting for a relief squad here, I guess I’ll have to do it myself} ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2006, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/213 "2006-04-10T02:08:55Z")
Ooooh. _sits down, munches popcorn with the rest of the presiding deities_ ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2006, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/214 "2006-04-10T11:56:15Z")
> [@Kythereia](#): > > Ooooh. > > _sits down, munches popcorn with the rest of the presiding deities_ Would you care for a refresher of that ambrosia, miss? **readies secret-compartment pinky ring** ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2006, 12:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/215 "2006-04-10T12:08:11Z")
> [@Daithi Lacha](#): > > Would you care for a refresher of that ambrosia, miss? > > **readies secret-compartment pinky ring** It’s good to see _someone’s_ ready to get back to work. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2006, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/216 "2006-04-10T12:16:16Z")
> [@Daithi Lacha](#): > > Would you care for a refresher of that ambrosia, miss? > > **readies secret-compartment pinky ring** It’s good to see _someone’s_ ready to get back to work. ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2006, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/217 "2006-04-10T12:57:11Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > It’s good to see _someone’s_ ready to get back to work. Ok boss I broke out last night, I just need a cleanup crew now, I will handle of course. We need to get you some better equipment. Your redundant message routing seems to have a glitch in it. I think you better ask Declan to look it over. Today I take on Brazil’s feeble security for their National Bank. Jim ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2006, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/218 "2006-04-10T13:26:28Z")
> [@What Exit?](#): > > Ok boss I broke out last night, I just need a cleanup crew now, I will handle of course. We need to get you some better equipment. Your redundant message routing seems to have a glitch in it. I think you better ask Declan to look it over. > Today I take on Brazil’s feeble security for their National Bank. > > Jim _Excellent_. Brazil, eh? Splendid! Also, I’ll need the following: _250 Robotic Ecto-Skeletons, 250 Laser-Dent Dental Implants, 250 Industrial-strength Flame-throwers, **Scumpup’s** head in a pike, $100M/Euros in my private jet, and uh, send the **Axe** over to “take care” of **Rev** , will you?_ Brilliant. ---
**Author:** ![anyrose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@anyrose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anyrose)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2006, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/219 "2006-04-10T13:36:39Z")
::knock knock knock:: Excuse me, is this where the tour group meets? It’s my first singles cruise. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2006, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/220 "2006-04-10T14:33:42Z")
Hi, my name is **Scumpup** and I’m recovering from a toxic relationship. _…Hi, Scumpup!.._ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254.md?page=10) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254.md?page=12)