# Henchpersons Wanted. Inquire Within. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 4, 2006, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254 "2006-04-04T14:38:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 16
**Author:** ![anyrose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@anyrose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anyrose)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/301 "2006-04-12T00:36:58Z")
> [@What Exit?](#): > > Does anything say Evil BBQ like Ambrosia Salad? > I recommend some Alligator for the Grill. > Sports: Well as an Evil Empire we should all watch Highlights of the Yankees beating Boston over the decades. > > Jim ooh ooh ooh!!! with a special screening of the 1986 World Series Game # 6!!! ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/302 "2006-04-12T00:47:02Z")
> [@Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor](#): > > \ Meeester **Winston**! > Meeester **Winston**! > > They’re ready! > They’re\* ready\*! > > Those Sailor Scout Fembots you ordered are ready! > I delivered them to your private quarters, just like you ordered, Meeester **Winston**!\ “Batteries Not Included?!?” **Bosda!** ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/303 "2006-04-12T00:49:29Z")
> [@What Exit?](#): > > Does anything say Evil BBQ like Ambrosia Salad? Hmm, I don’t know. I go back and forth on whether or not ambrosia is kosher. > [@](#): > > I recommend some Alligator for the Grill. You are misinformed. Due to excellent conservation efforts, the American alligator has a population large enough to allow for a hunting season. I’ve met several Gaean priests who hunt, clean and cook their own gator. A Point Of Clarification I have not gone over to the dark side. Many great artists have, unfortunately, been on the side of evil. Uninvited, and unnoticed, I attend such performances. Having once tasted **Baker** ’s work, I will be at the picnic. You won’t see or hear me. A kind of post-hypnotic suggestion will prevent your seeing me in photographs or videotapes of the event. ---
**Author:** ![Declan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecae2f/32.png) [@Declan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declan)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/304 "2006-04-12T07:35:31Z")
> [@Baker](#): > > Good ideas, but one problem. I can get the dodo and the bigfoot, but for some reason **yeti has become hard to obtain lately**. Not extinct, but the little I’ve sampled has not been the best quality, and the price is sky high. The one Sherpa I tortured, er, _questioned_ said the yeti are “organizing” What the Smith that means I have no idea? Use Chicken, they will never know the difference Declan ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/305 "2006-04-12T12:38:18Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > “Batteries Not Included?!?” > > **Bosda!** But-but-but!..I equipped them with the feather boas & leather unmentionables, just as you instructed, Meeeester! Of course, I’m not sure if the language program loaded properly, so they may still speak Japanese…or Engrish… ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/306 "2006-04-12T14:15:06Z")
:: on a highway :: Follow that red BMW!! :: The black truck speeds up. It draws closer to the red BMW, and a hatchway opens in the roof. A swarm of metal flying things emerges. They accelerate past the BMW, then form up as blinking letters in front of it: PULL OVER. The BMW slows and stops at the side of the road. The truck stops in front of it. Anonymous masked men in black jump out; some surround the car, others open the back of the truck and pull down a ramp. After a brief but heated exchange, the driver steps from the BMW. One of the men in black gets in and drives it into the truck. Keeping an eye on erstwhile driver, the others return to the truck, pull up the ramp, and close the doors. The truck drives off, leaving the BMW’s former driver alone at the side of the road, shivering. :: What was that all about? Was that man an enemy of the Smith plan? No, no, not at all. I just always wanted a red BMW, is all. \ ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/307 "2006-04-12T14:18:11Z")
> [@Sunspace](#): > > :: on a highway :: > …snip… > No, no, not at all. I just always wanted a red BMW, is all. \ I believe that was a gross misuse and abuse of Smith Inc. resources. I believe Mr Smith would heartily approve of it and your initiative. Good luck in your continuing endeavors, any chance you can deliver a few hundred FemBot Batteries to the Boss? Jim ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/308 "2006-04-12T14:30:27Z")
> [@What Exit?](#): > > I believe that was a gross misuse and abuse of Smith Inc. resources. > I believe Mr Smith would heartily approve of it and your initiative. Good luck in your continuing endeavors, any chance you can deliver a few hundred FemBot Batteries to the Boss? I’ll see what my flying armada of supersonic death can do. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![anyrose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@anyrose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anyrose)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/309 "2006-04-12T14:46:56Z")
To whom do I speak about getting some studbots? ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/310 "2006-04-12T14:50:02Z")
> [@anyrose](#): > > To whom do I speak about getting some studbots? I believe that would be Bosda. Good Luck. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/311 "2006-04-12T15:06:34Z")
I’m just reviewing the returns from this past weekend, and I’ve got to tell you, evil appears to be down by approximately 7%. I mean, _across the board_, people. I don’t even see a _single instance_ of regicide, genocide or nation-toppling. I mean, look here: crimes against man? Check. Against God? Check. Against Nature? Not a one. It’s just inertia, people, and it’s up to you to break it. Come now, people. This is no time to rest on your laurels. Now get out there and SACK! TORTURE! TOPPLE! GO! ---
**Author:** ![anyrose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@anyrose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anyrose)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/312 "2006-04-12T15:14:27Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > I’m just reviewing the returns from this past weekend, and I’ve got to tell you, evil appears to be down by approximately 7%. I mean, _across the board_, people. I don’t even see a _single instance_ of regicide, genocide or nation-toppling. I mean, look here: crimes against man? Check. Against God? Check. Against Nature? Not a one. It’s just inertia, people, and it’s up to you to break it. > > Come now, people. This is no time to rest on your laurels. Now get out there and SACK! TORTURE! TOPPLE! > > GO! Does it count that I relentlessly tease my cat with the feather toy? (I’ll provide photographic evidence when I get home tonight) ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/313 "2006-04-12T15:28:09Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > I’m just reviewing the returns from this past weekend, and I’ve got to tell you, evil appears to be down by approximately 7%. I mean, _across the board_, people. I don’t even see a _single instance_ of regicide, genocide or nation-toppling. I mean, look here: crimes against man? Check. Against God? Check. Against Nature? Not a one. It’s just inertia, people, and it’s up to you to break it. > > Come now, people. This is no time to rest on your laurels. Now get out there and SACK! TORTURE! TOPPLE! > > GO! Sample of some actions I was planning to hold off on reporting: [ROME, ITALY: Mafia No. 1’s ‘henchmen’ arrested](http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/europe/04/12/mafia.arrest.ap/index.html) **Removed Competion** [KATHMANDU, NEPAL: Nepal protests grow more violent](http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/asiapcf/04/11/nepal.uprising.ap/index.html) **General Mayhem** [KARACHI, PAKISTAN: Karachi bomb death toll hits 57](http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/asiapcf/04/12/Pakistan.blast.reut/index.html) **Oops, my underling used too much Nitro \*\* [Italian votes found in garbage can](http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/europ...bish/index.html) Rigging Elections not evil enough for you. [Several ballot boxes have been found in Rome](http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/europe/04/12/italy.elections.rubbish/index.html), officials said, a day after Premier Silvio Berlusconi rejected the center-left’s victory claim and demanded a recount. All in a days work [Three Basque leaders freed on bail](http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/europe/04/07/spain.bail/index.html) \*\* they work with us \*\* • [Bomb hits Turkey PM’s party office](http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/europe/04/05/turkey.blast.ap/index.html) \*\* That was us** • [Milosevic ‘died of natural causes’](http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/europe/04/05/milosevic.death/index.html) \*\*Sure he did, bastard stiffed me on dinner, end of story \*\* \*A small Sampling. \* Overall a good week for Evil Inc. Jim Head of Financial Planning and general mayhem ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/314 "2006-04-12T15:28:30Z")
> [@anyrose](#): > > To whom do I speak about getting some studbots? Go talk to your friend, the Fire-Breathing Anteater. :mad: 😛 ---
**Author:** ![anyrose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@anyrose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anyrose)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/315 "2006-04-12T15:38:01Z")
> [@Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor](#): > > Go talk to your friend, the Fire-Breathing Anteater. :mad: 😛 You know, I could just turn him loose on you again… ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/316 "2006-04-12T15:41:25Z")
> [@anyrose](#): > > You know, I could just turn him loose on you again… No, no you couldn’t. I gave him to our Evil Taxidermist (or perhaps to our Evil Cafeteria Cook, who may be the same person), & had him stuffed (possibly with bread pudding) & mounted. ---
**Author:** ![anyrose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@anyrose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anyrose)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/317 "2006-04-12T15:44:11Z")
> [@Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor](#): > > No, no you couldn’t. > > I gave him to our Evil Taxidermist (or perhaps to our Evil Cafeteria Cook, who may be the same person), & had him stuffed (possibly with bread pudding) & mounted. Didn’t you know? I had a few clones made, just in case. bwahahahahaha Mr Smith - we ought to have one of those toll free numbers: 1-800-BWA-HAHA: Call for your evil laugh, today! ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/318 "2006-04-12T16:08:56Z")
I am depressed. We can shoot lasers, plant bombs, and generally terrorize innocent civilians all we want, but we still won’t come close to the evil being posted about in another thread on this very message board. That’s right, SDMB user **Ale** [kicked a kitten today](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=366974). How can we compete with that? I am so depressed. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/319 "2006-04-12T16:09:45Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > I’m just reviewing the returns from this past weekend, and I’ve got to tell you, evil appears to be down by approximately 7%. I mean, _across the board_, people. I don’t even see a _single instance_ of regicide, genocide or nation-toppling. I mean, look here: crimes against man? Check. Against God? Check. Against Nature? Not a one. It’s just inertia, people, and it’s up to you to break it. > > Come now, people. This is no time to rest on your laurels. Now get out there and SACK! TORTURE! TOPPLE! > > GO! And have you so soon forgotten the elaborate real-estate swindle that convinced millions of Americans to _pave their own foodlands_ when building the suburbs, and then lose their shirts in the resulting real-estate bubbles? If that wasn’t a crime against both man and nature, I’d like to know what is. ---
**Author:** ![butler1850](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@butler1850](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/butler1850)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/320 "2006-04-12T16:12:51Z")
> [@What Exit?](#): > > The Contracts are drawn up and ready, I need a volunteer to take over these little corporate dealings, anyone up to the job? > > Jim No need for contracts. My IT underlings (Sorry Mr. Smith, had to hire some staff, “Contract” workers brought in from offshore, payment \ due on job completion… please send along the “seperation councelor” when you have a moment), have already changed ownership on the bank accounts, leases, and letterhead, and their HR department is expecting the new Management on Monday. Nasty bits of data have been left behind on the PCs, common shares and personal folders of the last few holdouts of the old organization, should your new Management staff decide they need ‘paperwork’ for the pinkslips. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254.md?page=15) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254.md?page=17)