# Henchpersons Wanted. Inquire Within. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 4, 2006, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254 "2006-04-04T14:38:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/21 "2006-04-04T16:26:27Z")
Do you require Scientist Ladies? You know, the kind who first show up with horrible hair, bad glasses and white clogs, but then appear for dinner in an ensemble that makes them look like their own suddenly-sexy sister. Actual knowledge of sciences (most notably chemistry and biochemistry), ability to walk in clogs provided. I own several labcoats of varying whiteness. ---
**Author:** ![Mouse\_Maven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@Mouse\_Maven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mouse_Maven)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/22 "2006-04-04T16:31:44Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Do you require Scientist Ladies? You know, the kind who first show up with horrible hair, bad glasses and white clogs, but then appear for dinner in an ensemble that makes them look like their own suddenly-sexy sister. Actual knowledge of sciences (most notably chemistry and biochemistry), ability to walk in clogs provided. I own several labcoats of varying whiteness. Hey! I just applied for that position. _snarl! Hiss!_ šŸ˜‰ šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![NurseCarmen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/5daacb/32.png) [@NurseCarmen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NurseCarmen)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/23 "2006-04-04T16:34:50Z")
**Nursecarmen** wonā€™t be filling out that sweater quite as you hoped. You see, sheā€™s a he. I think youā€™ve been doped. Inigo claimes he can rhyme. pffft ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/24 "2006-04-04T17:00:46Z")
> [@NurseCarmen](#): > > **Nursecarmen** wonā€™t be filling out that sweater quite as you hoped. You see, sheā€™s a he. I think youā€™ve been doped. > > Inigo claimes he can rhyme. pffft As _ **Evil Villain** _ I reserve the right to make hasty presumptions, sweetheart. Besides, male or female, sexual harrassment knows no boundaries. Evil is evil, and all that. So there. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/25 "2006-04-04T17:04:47Z")
So, howā€™s the application process looking? I look forward to ridding the world of do-gooders and extracting vengeance upon a super-spy-who-shall-remain-nameless for the untimely death of my father (may the Evil God look over his blackened soulā€¦what a role model!) ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/26 "2006-04-04T17:17:16Z")
**Nava** , it would appear **Mouse\_Maven** has _thrown down the gauntlet_. **Terrifel** : Yes. Yes you do. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/27 "2006-04-04T17:18:31Z")
> [@Least Original User Name Ever](#): > > So, howā€™s the application process looking? I look forward to ridding the world of do-gooders and extracting vengeance upon a super-spy-who-shall-remain-nameless for the untimely death of my father (may the Evil God look over his blackened soulā€¦what a role model!) Unfortunately, your organization appears in my **Big Book of Nemeses**. Weā€™ll either need to rectify this, or recommence nemeses operations. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/28 "2006-04-04T17:19:19Z")
Dear sir or madam: Please allow me to introduce myself: Iā€™m a man of low morals, a borderline psychotic personality, and someone who gets his kicks out of brown-nosing AND causing pain to anyone who may or may not deserve it. Iā€™m detail oriented, fairly dextrous, and most willing to carry out the orders of anyone who signs my paycheck. I fancy myself a ā€œhandyman,ā€ and should you find that your thumbscrews arenā€™t turning like they should, or maybe the iron maiden is squeaking a bit, Iā€™ll be the first one to step forward and find out what the problem is and attempt to fix it ā€“ preferably with the assistance of a replacable under-underling. I have a clean license, reliable transport, and am currently married. For the right price, however, I could find myself suddenly single and ready to travel at a momentā€™s notice. Please let me know how I can be of service to you. Sincerely, Mongo ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/29 "2006-04-04T17:20:55Z")
Aw, man, tempting fate _again_? Cā€™mon, gods and goddesses, weā€™d better assemble to deal with this guyā€¦ ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/30 "2006-04-04T17:21:12Z")
> [@Mouse\_Maven](#): > > Hey! I just applied for that position. _snarl! Hiss!_ > > šŸ˜‰ šŸ˜ƒ But dear, there can be two of us. You handle the design, Iā€™ll do the actual cooking. Works great for me, since youā€™re the one who goes to dinner in high heels, being senior and all. ---
**Author:** ![Mouse\_Maven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@Mouse\_Maven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mouse_Maven)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/31 "2006-04-04T17:31:02Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > But dear, there can be two of us. You handle the design, Iā€™ll do the actual cooking. Works great for me, since youā€™re the one who goes to dinner in high heels, being senior and all. I will allow room for another scientist. You must spend every spare moment in the lab and I will take your ideas and pass them off as my own. :dubious: Wait a minute. . . Thatā€™s extactly like academic research!! I hope villiany pays better. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/32 "2006-04-04T17:42:44Z")
> [@Daithi Lacha](#): > > Dear sir or madam: > Please allow me to introduce myself: Iā€™m a man of low morals, a borderline psychotic personality, and someone who gets his kicks out of brown-nosing AND causing pain to anyone who may or may not deserve it. Iā€™m detail oriented, fairly dextrous, and most willing to carry out the orders of anyone who signs my paycheck. I fancy myself a ā€œhandyman,ā€ and should you find that your thumbscrews arenā€™t turning like they should, or maybe the iron maiden is squeaking a bit, Iā€™ll be the first one to step forward and find out what the problem is and attempt to fix it ā€“ preferably with the assistance of a replacable under-underling. > I have a clean license, reliable transport, and am currently married. For the right price, however, I could find myself suddenly single and ready to travel at a momentā€™s notice. > Please let me know how I can be of service to you. > > Sincerely, > Mongo Indeed. You seem a capable and conscientious Henchman. You understand, of course, in the unlikely event we engage in a gut-wrenching power struggle, that I would ultimately prevail? I mean, thereā€™s nothing worse than a Henchman that gets too big for his britches. This is **my house**. Agreed? ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/33 "2006-04-04T17:51:05Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > Unfortunately, your organization appears in my **Big Book of Nemeses**. Weā€™ll either need to rectify this, or recommence nemeses operations. Is that the 2005 or 2006 version of the Big Book? How do you propose we solve this problem. We COULD always start an organization of evildoers (even though Methodists\* always end up running the damned show.) \*from Blazing Saddles. Not intended as a religious insult. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/34 "2006-04-04T17:53:26Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > Indeed. You seem a capable and conscientious Henchman. You understand, of course, in the unlikely event we engage in a gut-wrenching power struggle, that I would ultimately prevail? I mean, thereā€™s nothing worse than a Henchman that gets too big for his britches. This is **my house**. Agreed? Oh, indeed, sir. Iā€™ll be like the C-3P0 of the knee-capping set. You tell me to snip a brake line, Iā€™ll do it. You tell me to stand ominously by, and laugh when you laugh and shut up fast when you shut up fast, Iā€™ll do it. I find that thereā€™s a certain modicum of freedom in absolute submission\*, and so Iā€™m more than happy to remain your goose-stepping toady, Boss. Can I call you ā€œBoss?ā€ \*15 years of marriage, folks! ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/35 "2006-04-04T17:54:20Z")
Name: Scumpup Position Desired: Supervillainā€™s Sadistic Enforcer Who, Because He Feels Personally Betrayed, Kills The Supervillain Just At His Moment Of Victory Qualifications: Sadistic, Trained in Hand-To-Hand Combat With Special Emphasis On Brutality, Experienced In Graphically Murdering Underlings Who Have Failed To Carry Out Supervillainā€™s Orders Education: Graduate (cum laude) of Tepes University, Have Attended Numerous Workshops In Torture, Menacing Looks, and How To Dress In Black without Looking Like One Of Those Goth Geeks Salary Desired: Negotiable ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/36 "2006-04-04T17:55:43Z")
pdf application for Minionhood. Written for villains named Zodon or Von Doof, but offered as a good example. [http://archive.gamespy.com/comics/nodwick/ps238/files/MinionApplication.pdf](http://archive.gamespy.com/comics/nodwick/ps238/files/MinionApplication.pdf) ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/37 "2006-04-04T18:04:27Z")
> [@Least Original User Name Ever](#): > > Is that the 2005 or 2006 version of the Big Book? > > How do you propose we solve this problem. We COULD always start an organization of evildoers (even though Methodists\* always end up running the damned show.) > > \*from Blazing Saddles. Not intended as a religious insult. Youā€™ll need to disolve your current organization, and fold the proceeds into medieval torture devices, which you will then force any and all past associates into, on to, or under. Understanding, of course, that once this is complete, and you are utterly defenseless, I will just as likely kill you myself. Or perhaps Iā€™ll put you incharge of Purchasing. Thereā€™s always that chance. I await your decision. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/38 "2006-04-04T18:09:20Z")
**Daithi Lacha** , you got Moxie, kid. I like that. Of course, youā€™ll need to ā€œliquidateā€ your ā€œassetsā€ before your ā€œemploymentā€ begins. Yes? **Scumpup** : Indeed. Iā€™ll need you to ratchet back the _enthusiasm_ just a bit. Of course you plan on killing me. Thatā€™s a given. Stating so in your Cover Letter is soā€¦ gauche. Plus, youā€™ll fail. BWA-HA-haā€¦ Ahem. **Bosda** you forgot to sign your application. Itā€™s not a legally binding document until you do so. Thanks! /v ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/39 "2006-04-04T18:15:43Z")
> [@Kythereia](#): > > Aw, man, tempting fate _again_? > > Cā€™mon, gods and goddesses, weā€™d better assemble to deal with this guyā€¦ **Kythereia** , I have _no intention_ to _storm the heavens_. This matter is between me and humanity. You need not get involved. Thanks! /v ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/40 "2006-04-04T18:16:24Z")
The fuses have been lit. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254.md?page=3)