# Henchpersons Wanted. Inquire Within. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 4, 2006, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254 "2006-04-04T14:38:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/41 "2006-04-04T18:21:35Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > **Scumpup** : Indeed. I’ll need you to ratchet back the _enthusiasm_ just a bit. Of course you plan on killing me. That’s a given. Stating so in your Cover Letter is so… gauche. Plus, you’ll fail. BWA-HA-ha… Ahem. I’ll require a company car, of course; and a key to the executive wench room. Further, following my quarterly reviews, I’ll require a bonus of 5% of gross revenues for that quarter to be paid into my Swiss Bank Account. Any torturing of heroes/heroines is to be handled only by me. I’ll need a corner office and a title. Can we reach an agreement here? ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/42 "2006-04-04T18:33:54Z")
> [@Daithi Lacha](#): > > The fuses have been lit. Excellent. I don’t know what that means, but I am _pleased_. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/43 "2006-04-04T18:39:11Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > I’ll require a company car, of course; and a key to the executive wench room. Further, following my quarterly reviews, I’ll require a bonus of 5% of gross revenues for that quarter to be paid into my Swiss Bank Account. Any torturing of heroes/heroines is to be handled only by me. I’ll need a corner office and a title. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and yes. > [@](#): > > Can we reach an agreement here? Provision: Employment agreements are subject to revision. By me. Unilaterally. Without notice. Offer void in Rhode Island and Montana. Agreed? ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/44 "2006-04-04T18:54:38Z")
You know I’ve been looking for something different to do. I think I’ve got some qualifcations. I’ve been in power in [Egypt](http://www.maidenfans.com/imc/pictures/pictures05_powerslave/album05_powerslave_a_small.jpg). Fought in the [Crimean War](http://www.maidenfans.com/imc/?url=single10_trooper/commentary10_trooper&lang=eng&link=singles). Murdered [Margret Thatcher](http://www.maidenfans.com/imc/?url=single02_sanctuary/commentary02_sanctuary&lang=eng&link=singles). Have a general distaste for [politicians](http://www.maidenfans.com/imc/?url=single23_bequick/commentary23_bequick&lang=eng&link=singles). I can also [travel in time](http://www.maidenfans.com/imc/?url=single16_stranger/commentary16_stranger&lang=eng&link=singles). Except I will keep that secret to myself. I also know my way around the world based on my many tours with Iron Maiden. Since I will live forever I have no reason to kill you and would be more then willing to do your bidding. At least until you die in which case I’ll be heading off. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/45 "2006-04-04T20:39:30Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and yes. > > Provision: Employment agreements are subject to revision. By me. Unilaterally. Without notice. Offer void in Rhode Island and Montana. > > Agreed? Done, provided you understand that I really did mean the killing thing. ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/46 "2006-04-04T21:10:26Z")
I could make an excellent Senior Henchman. Loyalty is guaranteed. I would never want to be a #1, I prefer someone else do the directing. I would bring “Sharks with Lasers” to the table and the ability to hack computer systems and supervise other. I specialize in ensuring the enemy is really dead and not just left in a death trap. I may be prone to monologuing however. I will tend to dress in either Mafia style dark suits or Yankee Gear, so either way I am already familiar with being part of an “Evil Empire”. I could start with a salary in the low 6 figures, but I would expect performance bonuses and fair reviews. I need at least 4 weeks Vacation time. I would enjoy missions to England and Italia, but I am especially interested in a position on the moon base. Jim ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/47 "2006-04-04T21:16:43Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Done, provided you understand that I really did mean the killing thing. Boss, is this guy bothering you? You want I should take him out back for a little talk, like? ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/48 "2006-04-04T21:32:39Z")
> [@Daithi Lacha](#): > > Boss, is this guy bothering you? You want I should take him out back for a little talk, like? I didn’t think anybody still used the old prove-the-brutality-of-the-new-enforcer-by-having-him-murder-a-disposable-underling-in-an-extravagantly-grisly-fashion test anymore, but if that is how you do things here, then all right. In addition to handling enforcing your will for you, it also seems clear I will have to introduce some updated methods for meeting personnel needs. You can’t afford not to hire Mr. Smith. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/49 "2006-04-04T21:34:35Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > I didn’t think anybody still used the old prove-the-brutality-of-the-new-enforcer-by-having-him-murder-a-disposable-underling-in-an-extravagantly-grisly-fashion test anymore, but if that is how you do things here, then all right. In addition to handling enforcing your will for you, it also seems clear I will have to introduce some updated methods for meeting personnel needs. You can’t afford not to hire Mr. Smith. Hire ME. You can’t afford not to hire me, Mr. Smith. Now get this carrion out of here. Make sure the cleaning staff gets all the blood out from between the tiles. ---
**Author:** ![LiveOnAPlane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3d9bf3/32.png) [@LiveOnAPlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LiveOnAPlane)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/50 "2006-04-04T22:15:43Z")
I think we should discuss career possibilities at your earliest opportunity. I sincerely believe that I would a genuine asset to your organization and that [my antimatter bomb](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=361739&highlight=antimatter) would help you meet the key performance indicators in your mission statement. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [April 4, 2006, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/51 "2006-04-04T22:31:57Z")
Good will always triumph over evil, because evil just can’t get good help. When Dr Vasilorok unveiled his transphotonic vibration arresting destructoray, I thought I would have to stop him myself. But, it turned out that the group of neighborhood children I had been tutoring, and teaching clowning had also been using my laboratory to train themselves into an elite comando squad. We easily defeated Vasilorok’s henchmen, left him tied up on the steps of a police station, and I altered the ray into a device for making really great milkshakes. Using spare parts I already have, I can assemble a wisecracking robot who is brave, strong, fast and utterly loyal. Whatever the threat, I can assmeble a team of skilled heroes (and comedy sidekicks) who I can very literally trust with my life. You can’t win, Smith. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/52 "2006-04-05T01:40:18Z")
Dear Mr. Smith: Please allow me to introduce myself. I am currently know as **Baker**. Although I’m female, I’m not applying for the sexy Henchlady position, I’m applying for a position as an assassin. You see, I’m near middle-aged, plain, and therein lies my special talent. Nobody looks at me twice, and therefore I’m usually trusted. I could probably be the hero’s _mother_, so why would he ever be afraid of _me_? I have no prior experience, but you _did_ say you would train the right applicant. The fact that most people have always overlooked me has infused in me a smoldering hatred of humanity, and with you I see a chance to get some revenge. I would expect a good salary, after training and my first proven hit, but getting a chance to kill people would be even better than big bucks. I also have a degree in business administration, with a major in accounting, and when the killing is slow I could be good at helping you set up plans to ruin the good guy’s credit. Sincerely, Baker ---
**Author:** ![moonstarssun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b9bd4f/32.png) [@moonstarssun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moonstarssun)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/53 "2006-04-05T03:40:15Z")
:: Picks up phone to check for dial tone. Realizes **Winston Smith** may have called while phone was off the hook. Goes back to pacing and staring at the phone while practicing evil laugh. :: Sigh. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/54 "2006-04-05T03:46:51Z")
Mr. Smith, as a token of my esteem to you , whether you elect to hire me or not, I’m going to eliminate that **Cathode** person and his toadies. Consider my contribution to fostering an atmosphere of evil brotherhood. Can you validate this parking receipt? ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/55 "2006-04-05T04:27:08Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > **Kythereia** , I have _no intention_ to _storm the heavens_. This matter is between me and humanity. You need not get involved. Thanks! /v Uh-huh. Right. Says the _evil treacherous overlord_. Course, you know, if you brought along some ritual sacrifices, now… (;)) ---
**Author:** ![Declan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecae2f/32.png) [@Declan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declan)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/56 "2006-04-05T07:39:45Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > Do you want to shoot the moon? Live in a volcano? Ever long to fight a _sexy_ Henchlady while suspended from a Zeppelin several hundred feet in the air in an overly-complicated plot twist? If so, this may be the opportunity you’ve been looking for! Henchpersons needed to assist established, well-respected international villain in nefarious schemes. Self-starters wanted. _World Domination Plotting and Execution_ experience helpful but not necessary. Willing to train the right candidate. Please post salary requirements and relevant experience herein. I’m from the government and I am here to help Declan ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 10:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/57 "2006-04-05T10:05:54Z")
I, just this evening, gave a brief presentation on the value and technical challenges of harvesting the organs of executed prisoners. Including slide show. It was well received. Just over a month and a half ago, gave another speech on proper Vampire eradication methods for the beginner. Also well received. Am currently the world’s leading simulated arms researcher and dealer to a number of simulated private air forces. Conventional, chemical, biological, and nuclear arms all available. I even have at least one stuffed with cute, fuzzy little creatures strapped with incendiary devices. I have some fencing and, although it’s a bit rusty, archery training. I have, in all modesty, a good piloting record—civilian and military. I am willing and able to perform high speed [Tarans](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramming#Air_warfare). I make it a habit to…know things. That, a tendency to obsessively hoard information. It usually manages to come in handy. I type at 135 wpm. I am, in fact, certifiably crazy. I can, in fact, get you avocado ice cream, some depleted uranium, and a human skeleton, all through legal channels, within 13 hours. And I bake a mean cookie-cake. So, basically, I can be your [Lugh.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lugh#Lugh_joins_the_Tuatha_D.C3.A9_Danann) 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 11:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/58 "2006-04-05T11:52:09Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Now get this carrion out of here. Make sure the cleaning staff gets all the blood out from between the tiles. **weakly** I’m not dead! ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/59 "2006-04-05T12:41:12Z")
I wanna apply for the position of Laboratory Assistant. While it is true that I am not a Hunchback, I believe that with the power of Positive Thinking, I can grow a hunch. I’m also a good man with a shovel, in the event of a sudden need to dig up a few spare parts for any old monsters you have laying around. _And_ I have a marked affinity for 1920’s Style Death Rays–their construction, operation & maintainence. Finally I am a BMIOOCNAH ( **B** ig **M** an **I** n **O** rgone **O** n **C** ampus- **N** ot **A** **H** unchback). Perhaps you may belong to the same Fraternity? Oh yes–I also own a one-eyed, green, gibbering Mutant Chipmunk named Mike. He likes to store severed fingers in his cheek pouches. Guess where he gets them? ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/60 "2006-04-05T13:45:23Z")
Is he a fat chipmunk? If so, you probably shouldn’t be giving him all those finger foods. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254.md?page=4)