# Henchpersons Wanted. Inquire Within. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 4, 2006, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254 "2006-04-04T14:38:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/61 "2006-04-05T14:44:52Z")
I’d like to thank you all for being patient with me. I had a small Island Nation to conquer last afternoon/evening, and I just couldn’t put it off. I’ve just got a couple items on my Evil Blackberry I need to address, and we’ll get right back into it. I’d like to also give you a few words of encouragement - you’ve taken the first steps towards being a Henchperson just by posting here, and I’ve also noticed a few of you have already started to _do my bidding_. That’s on _your dime_, people. I don’t want to start seeing invioces in my mailbox for whatever random mayhem you might be engaging in. Don’t get me wrong, I mean, I like to see the initiative, and I don’t want anyone to feel discouraged. So far, I like what I see. You’re well on your way to becoming evil Amway Salespersons. Er, I mean, Evil Henchpersons. Ignore what I said about Amway. We’re not affiliated. Seriously. If anything, we’re a competitor. /Villain ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/62 "2006-04-05T14:51:14Z")
I’m playing the part of an Evil Henchman in a movie currently being shot ([www.DirtyBumProductions.com](http://www.DirtyBumProductions.com)). I’m a thoroughly Not Nice Man ™. Does that count? ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/63 "2006-04-05T14:55:00Z")
**Edward The Head** , I like what I see. Your exploits speak for themselves, though I do have some concerns that hiring a seven-foot-tall _monster_ to do my bidding may send the wrong message to my enemies. I’m more of a traditionalist, you know. **Scumpup** : Yes, yes. I _get it_. You going to _kill me_. :rolleyes: I find your proposal acceptable. You’ll get a welcome package in approximately 10 business days. Do you have any problem with taking a drug test? **Jim** , glad to see you’re on board. I’ve got something for you to get started on right away. I need you to electronically transfer _all the World’s Wealth_ into my Swiss Bank Account. BWA-HA-ha. Ahem. I know it’s not a _sexy_ assignment, but a villain’s gotta eat, you know. Please keep me updated Re. your progress. Thx /v ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/64 "2006-04-05T15:24:09Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > **Scumpup** : Yes, yes. I _get it_. You going to _kill me_. :rolleyes: > I find your proposal acceptable. You’ll get a welcome package in approximately 10 business days. Do you have any problem with taking a drug test? Which drugs do you want me to take? ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/65 "2006-04-05T16:37:50Z")
> [@Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor](#): > > Oh yes–I also own a one-eyed, green, gibbering Mutant Chipmunk named Mike. He likes to store severed fingers in his cheek pouches. Guess where he gets them? Snacking on bridesmaids during the ceremony. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/66 "2006-04-05T16:50:17Z")
**Daithi Lacha** , we’re progressive here, and don’t really use the _old prove-the-brutality-of-the-new-enforcer-by-having-him-murder-a-disposable-underling-in-an-extravagantly-grisly-fashion test anymore_, as I’m sure someone will come along shortly to point out. **Scumpup** , thanks for setting him straight 😃 (italicized text above blatantly plagerized from **Scumpup’s** post for the purpose of my own evil amusement **LiveOnAPlane** , my “Accountant”, “Jim” should be “getting in touch with you” to arrange the “purchase” of your antimatter device. (Watch your back) ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/67 "2006-04-05T17:02:33Z")
> [@Mouse\_Maven](#): > > I will allow room for another scientist. You must spend every spare moment in the lab and I will take your ideas and pass them off as my own. > > :dubious: > Wait a minute. . . That’s extactly like academic research!! I hope villiany pays better. That is solved, then. I do understand villainy pays better (that would not require much) and you get to enslave sub-minions of Inadequate Genetic Procedence and force them into making your dresses. Two for the lab here, sir! ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/68 "2006-04-05T17:05:31Z")
> [@DocCathode](#): > > Snacking on bridesmaids during the ceremony. GOOD GUESS! Kudos (or, given the tenor of this Thread, is it Kodos?) on your taste in books. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/69 "2006-04-05T17:13:40Z")
> [@Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor](#): > > I wanna apply for the position of Laboratory Assistant. > > While it is true that I am not a Hunchback, I believe that with the power of Positive Thinking, I can grow a hunch. > > I’m also a good man with a shovel, in the event of a sudden need to dig up a few spare parts for any old monsters you have laying around. _And_ I have a marked affinity for 1920’s Style Death Rays–their construction, operation & maintainence. > > Finally I am a BMIOOCNAH ( **B** ig **M** an **I** n **O** rgone **O** n **C** ampus- **N** ot **A** **H** unchback). Perhaps you may belong to the same Fraternity? > > Oh yes–I also own a one-eyed, green, gibbering Mutant Chipmunk named Mike. He likes to store severed fingers in his cheek pouches. Guess where he gets them? Oh, COOL, I get someone to stomp on while **MouseMaven** stomps on me! You realize who’s going to wash the radiactive, corrosive glassware, right **Bosda**? ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/70 "2006-04-05T17:29:24Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > You realize who’s going to wash the radiactive, corrosive glassware, right **Bosda**? That’s what the Mutant Chipmunk is for, **Nava**. ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/71 "2006-04-05T17:29:32Z")
Dear sir: My name is Regallag the Axe, and I would be a great asset to your… organization. One in your postition most likely already has a trained assassin, but I am an anti-assassin. I laugh at ninjas (after I hunt them down adn tear them limb from limb), none have yet been able to hide from me, and I can take bullets without being fazed. I have a variety of axes which I can use at both long and short range. I am skilled as both body-guard and assassin hunter. I do not need to recsive a salary, as long as I am allowed to participate in raids, and keep the plunder. I work on one condidtion: I will not wear any uniform that other henchmen might. My leather armor and iron helmet are all I need. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/72 "2006-04-05T17:29:48Z")
> [@DocCathode](#): > > You can’t win, Smith. But I already have. BWA-HA-HA-ha **Baker** : _Smoldering hatred for humanity_, eh? Revenge, eh? Accounting, eh? Hmm. There is a _limit_ to how much evil I can really utilize, and the rest is just wasted. Or, worse yet, transferred (if you know what I mean). I’ll give you a tentative _yes_, but you’ll have to give up the accounting. It’s for your own good, really. **moonstarssun** : :: Crickets Chirping in the distance… :: ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/73 "2006-04-05T17:34:14Z")
P.S. I once fought off twohungred and fifty fully armed and armored knights. By myself. At another time I once killed 117 outlaws armed with pistols, rifles, and shoguns. ---
**Author:** ![moonstarssun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b9bd4f/32.png) [@moonstarssun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moonstarssun)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/74 "2006-04-05T17:35:45Z")
Would it help if I mentioned that I work in marketing? For an insurance company? A medical malpractice insurance company? Maybe I could help you with your organization’s PR and make it look like you’re a nice person. Not that you’re not. That’s not what I’m saying at all. Um, let’s get back to those crickets, eh? ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/75 "2006-04-05T17:42:14Z")
> [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](#): > > P.S. > > I once fought off twohungred and fifty fully armed and armored knights. By myself. At another time I once killed 117 outlaws armed with pistols, rifles, and shoguns. “Outlaws”, hmmm…? I guess that makes you a…_hero_…hmmm? The kind that tries to _thwart villains_… **hmmmm**? Oookaaayy… GET HIM, BOYS! Whup his butt! We’ll earn points wid da Big Boss! ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/76 "2006-04-05T17:56:44Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > **Edward The Head** , I like what I see. Your exploits speak for themselves, though I do have some concerns that hiring a seven-foot-tall _monster_ to do my bidding may send the wrong message to my enemies. I’m more of a traditionalist, you know. I don’t mind hanging out in the dungon or jail. I could have my fun down there. Plus I’d be a great assest to the basketball team, if you wanted to go that route. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/77 "2006-04-05T18:05:09Z")
**Scumpup** , I can’t validate parking. You’ll have to expense it. **Kythereia** , did you say _Ritual Sacrifice_? Now you’re speaking my language! You’ll have to speak with my Minister of Pain and Torture, though, I think he’s hired a part-timer to take care of our _Ritual Sacrifice_ needs. **Declan** , did you play the Organ at my wedding? Listen, man, you’re too evil even for me. You’re working for the Government now, eh? Which one? Perhaps it’s one of _mine_. ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/78 "2006-04-05T18:05:24Z")
::Bringing several other henchman, especially **Regallag\_The\_Axe** along:: Mr. **LiveOnAPlane** , my boss \*\*Mr. Smith \*\* has an offer for you that you cannot possibly refuse. We wish to purchase your antimatter device. We are prepared to make a very generous offer. Of course should you refuse, my Boss might feel insulted. It is never pleasant when **Mr. Smith** feels insulted. Thank you, Jim {BTW: Mr. Smith I can close the deal on bulk storage of business partners that have insulted you. It is with the New Jersey Landfill Authority} **Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor** : No rouge is more valuable than an ex-goodguy. Luca Brasi was an Ex-NYPD Cop. Regallag should make a fine enforcer. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/79 "2006-04-05T18:09:48Z")
> [@Ranchoth](#): > > I, just this evening, gave a brief presentation on the value and technical challenges of harvesting the organs of executed prisoners. Including slide show. It was well received. > > Just over a month and a half ago, gave another speech on proper Vampire eradication methods for the beginner. Also well received. > > Am currently the world’s leading simulated arms researcher and dealer to a number of simulated private air forces. Conventional, chemical, biological, and nuclear arms all available. I even have at least one stuffed with cute, fuzzy little creatures strapped with incendiary devices. > > I have some fencing and, although it’s a bit rusty, archery training. > > I have, in all modesty, a good piloting record—civilian and military. I am willing and able to perform high speed [Tarans](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ramming#Air_warfare). > > I make it a habit to…know things. That, a tendency to obsessively hoard information. It usually manages to come in handy. > > I type at 135 wpm. > > I am, in fact, certifiably crazy. > > I can, in fact, get you avocado ice cream, some depleted uranium, and a human skeleton, all through legal channels, within 13 hours. > > And I bake a mean cookie-cake. > > So, basically, I can be your [Lugh.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lugh#Lugh_joins_the_Tuatha_D.C3.A9_Danann) > > 😃 As long as your willing to work for a ridiculously HUGE simulated paycheck, I think we can come to terms. Uh, also, you need to learn to _pace yourself_ in the implementation of evil. You’re likely to pull a muscle if you keep up that pace. Kay? /v ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2006, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/80 "2006-04-05T18:20:32Z")
All of you who are so eager to serve an evil overlord, I ask you- Don’t you want to live in world of flying cars? A world of holodecks, and domed colonies in the depths of the oceans and the suface of the moon? Don’t you want to live in a world where chocolate and ice cream keep you thin and healthy, and prevent cancer? Don’t you want to live in a world where Cecil’s mission has suceeded, and there is no more ignorance? Do you think an evil overlord can give you this? Mad science is the way to a better tomorrow! You want wealth, respect, the love of hot babes? Mad science can make it all happen. **Inigo Montoya** Mad science has made great contributions to medicine. But, it can do even more. Frankenstein and West showed us the way. A mad scientist could have saved your father. Become a mad scientist, and change the world so that no son ever cries over the corpse of his father ever again. **Edward The Head** Society tells us that a seven foot creature is ‘strange’ and ‘abnormal’. Rubbish! Mad scientist work towards a world of robotics, cybernetics, and custom genetic alterations. Become a mad scientist, and change the world so that no one is a monster. **Bosda Chi Tricor** Why be just an assistant? You can be the mad scientist. You can be the one getting the glory. \*\*Nava]/b], **Mouse Maven** Why work for an evil overlord? You know he can’t comprehend your work or your scientific vision. You know that he’ll keep you busy on utilitarian projects and never give you time to pursue your great research. How could you want this life? Break free. Work in your own lab, on your own projects. Answer to no one. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254.md?page=5)