# Henchpersons Wanted. Inquire Within. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 4, 2006, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254 "2006-04-04T14:38:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/121 "2006-04-06T14:19:33Z")
**Scumpup** , please make an effort to practice a _bit more discretion_ regarding your plans to kill me. It’s just not good for morale, and I really think it sends the wrong message to our overseas offices if it looks like things here in the Home Office are in _disarray_. Otherwise, you’re doing a bang-up job. **Kythereia** , sorry, but I really can’t spare the resources to make the _Ritual Sacrifice_ position perm/full-time. There just isn’t enough demand. Send some business our way, and I’ll see what I can do. But otherwise… **Love Rhombus** , this puppy… does it have bees in it’s mouth? And when it barks it shoots bees? If so, I find your proposal acceptable. ---
**Author:** ![Love\_Rhombus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/love_rhombus/32/10694_2.png) [@Love\_Rhombus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Love_Rhombus)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/122 "2006-04-06T14:46:46Z")
Nooo…but I can dress it in a bee outfit. I’m willing to donate it to your mad science division for tests, though. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/123 "2006-04-06T16:28:15Z")
**Ponder Stibbons** , _Shooting the Moon_ is only one possible career path, here. As a Henchman-at-Large, the possibilities are _virtually_ endless, limited only by your imagination, and (of course) your ability to stay in my good graces. Which isn’t easy. **LiveOnAPlane** : _Nevada?_ _NEVADA?!?_ Your insolence is… Refreshing. We’ll see. You want Nevada, you’ve got to _earn_ it, buster. **butler1850** , these MP3s, do you harvest the users’ collections to enhance your own, before you delete them? I’m just trying to guage _how_ evil you _actually_ are. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/124 "2006-04-06T16:42:29Z")
**Voyager** , I am _very_ interested in your proposal. I’ll send someone right over to kill you… er-uh, I mean, uh, fill out whatever paperwork you require. Sit tight! **Omegaman** , what? Do you think I’m some kind of _amature_? OK, Cheney is pulling Bush’s strings. Everyone knows this. But who the _ **hell** _ do you think is pulling Cheney’s? :rolleyes: **Regallag\_The\_Axe** , nicely done. Two birds with one stone. Commendable. I’d like you to “take care” of a certain “bi-valve” that I find “troublesome”. And it appears there is a family of birds nesting in my soffit. Any advise? I mean, under normal circumstances I’d never bring this to you, but we’ve all got to be flexible. You know? Thanks /v ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/125 "2006-04-06T16:56:46Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > **Jim** , you’re doing a fine job, son, just a friendly reminder about that whole _transferring the World’s Wealth to my Swiss Bank_ business still needs to be addressed. Have you put together a Project Plan? Pls keep me updated. Thx /v Sorry boss, I gave you the update in a whisper up above [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=7269357](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=7269357) I’ll use invisible ink for now on, \>Plans to take over Japanese Wealth without them knowing it is underway.\< Jim ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/126 "2006-04-06T16:58:30Z")
> [@DocCathode](#): > > **Baker** Do you really think you can find a poison or toxin that will effect my unique biochemistry? > > [I](http://doc-cathode.livejournal.com/29306.html) [don’t](http://doc-cathode.livejournal.com/20703.html) [think](http://doc-cathode.livejournal.com/11017.html) [so.](http://doc-cathode.livejournal.com/6538.html) > > Ebola? I was congested for a week. Hanta virus? It kind of itches a little. Flesh eating bacteria? If that one hadn’t coincided with a routine physical, I’d never have known I had it. So you _did_ eat the cookies, though, didn’t you? Heh, heh, heh. What makes you think it was poison, or a virus? Heh, heh, heh. Excuse me while I go talk to Mr. Smith. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/127 "2006-04-06T17:02:47Z")
> [@gabriela](#): > > I’ll help you get rid of the bodies. > > Gabriela That’s no small task you’re volunteering for, **Gabriela**. **Anastasaeon** , you’ll do fine, but you’ll need _bigger boots_, if you catch my drift. **garygnu** : the list, eh? I didn’t think we’d have to resort to outsourcing operations to freelancers, but I suppose provided you “take care” of the “author” we’ll be “fine”. No GO DO IT! ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/128 "2006-04-06T17:15:20Z")
**Jim** , excellent work with the anti-matter bomb. I’d like to warn you off **Happy Clam’s** fictional characters as sources of enlightenment. Dr. Doom? Tesla? Indiana Jones? Edison? All fiction, **Jim**. All fiction. By the way, nice work on the _Iranian_ thing. Now listen: I’m not going to micromanage you, but I want to make sure you’ve got everything you need to succeed here. That being said, don’t spend a lot of time in the Mid-East. I’ve sort of _got that covered_, if you catch my drift. 😉 **MsRobyn** , welcome aboard. Can I presume your first mission will be to recruit certain “influences” in your “household” whom might have certain “agendas” contrary to our own _nefarious schemes_? Yes? Good, then. Please keep me updated Re. your progress. Thx /v **MixieArmadillo** , your credentials are _impeccable_. So many henchfolks these days forget the fundamentals like pestilence. I think you’ll be a breath of fresh air around here. But first, I’ll need dogs. Lots of them. Preferably with bees in their mouths. And when they bark, they should shoot bees. Got it? Good. **Love Rhombus** , excellent, excellent. Adaptation. That’s what I like to see here! Creativity! Thinking outside the box! Yes. **Mixie** may need bee outfits, as well. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/129 "2006-04-06T17:17:04Z")
**Mr. Smith**? You said you were giving me a tentative yes, but I’d have to give up accounting. I’m in the midst of screwing up the credit record of a certain televangelist, can I finish that first? And here’s the handset that will let you know at all times where \*\*DocCathode \*\* is. He worried so much about being poisoned, and never once thought that a nano-technology tracker might be attaching itself in his gut! ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Clam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3bc359/32.png) [@Happy\_Clam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Clam)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/130 "2006-04-06T17:35:38Z")
Minister of Propaganda? _Moi?_ Oh, this is so unexpected, I don’t know who to thank! _Pulls out list_ May I say, **Winston Smith** , _sir_, that I am truly overjoyed with this offer! I shal tear up that snooty letter to _The Orbital Laser_ immediatly and replace it with one praising your organisation and person in lavish terms. I shall, of course, resign my academic postings at once. Study from afar is all well and good, but to actually by in amongst the doings of my chosen field of study, to be justifying and condoning the actions of a bloody warmongering tyrant, to be another Goebbels, an Iziz, a _Rove_- why, mere words cannot describe the feeling. So might Lucas have felt when he unearthed the wreckage of the first Sattelite-Sized Turbolaser Weapons Platform!\* Now, as to my duties. Let us first address your recent role in the murder of one Ronald McDonald, founder and CEO of McDonalds. First-degree homicide doesn’t play so well with the public these days, so I’d prefer to present it thus: Mr. **Winston Smith** , the only one willing to take a positive role in the obesity crisis facing Amercia today! If you then assume control of his organisation, I’m sure I can produce figures showing a substantial reduction in fat levels of the food (as I understand it, human meat is quite lean). That should garner enough positive publicity to offset the conquest of at least _three_ sovereign nations, or as many as seven rogue states and/or tyrants! Next, Mr. Smith, I must know: Will you give interviews? \*I quite understand your desire to shroud the reality of these students of malgeniusology, and their many subjects, in a veil of misdirection. As the old saying has it, the greatest trick the devil pulled was, indeed, conviding the world he doesn’t exist. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/131 "2006-04-06T17:37:14Z")
> [@What Exit?](#): > > Sorry boss, I gave you the update in a whisper up above > [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=7269357](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=7269357) > I’ll use invisible ink for now on, > \>Plans to take over Japanese Wealth without them knowing it is underway.\< > > Jim It’s all about evil foreshadowing, **Jim**. That’s exactly what makes me an evil genius. Ah, the _Japanese_, eh? Very innovative. Very innovative. Please say こんにちは to Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi for me, will you? **Baker** , listen, I’ve got nothing against the _principles_ of accounting, per se, but here’s the rub. As many of you have probably already figured out, an organization as inherently _evil_ as the United States Internal Revenue Service could not _possibly_ be run by amature evil-doers such as your run-of-the-mill politician or government employee. No. That’s a big job, and it’s got to be handled by a pro. On the other side of that coin is **Joe Taxpayer**. Presumably, as an accountant, you are bound to serve the best interests of your client. Herein lies the conflict of interests. If you properly represent your client, you are _taking money out of my pockets_, and by association, your own. But if you _do the right thing_, and serve the forces of _evil_, why, you’ll be disbarred, and perhaps thrown in jail. I lose too many decent henchpersons to bad decisions just like this. So take my word for it. Take down your shingle, finish stiffing your current victim, uh, client, and I’ll give you some proper villain work like Departmental Superviser in the Tax Code Enforcement Department at the IRS. It’s a sinecure, really. All you’ll do is torture your underlings (_literally_) and push paper (_optionally_) ---
**Author:** ![butler1850](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@butler1850](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/butler1850)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/132 "2006-04-06T17:37:33Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > **butler1850** , these MP3s, do you harvest the users’ collections to enhance your own, before you delete them? I’m just trying to guage _how_ evil you _actually_ are. Well, someone not enjoying them would be just plain RUDE! I keep them… for archive purposes only… of course. 😃 I’d be more evil, but current management takes a dim view on true evil… hence the application for technical henchmanship… ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/133 "2006-04-06T17:40:41Z")
> [@Winston Smith](#): > > **MsRobyn** , welcome aboard. Can I presume your first mission will be to recruit certain “influences” in your “household” whom might have certain “agendas” contrary to our own _nefarious schemes_? Yes? Good, then. Please keep me updated Re. your progress. Thx /v The London broil has been purchased and all I need to do is pick up a nice bottle of good wine. I’m sure I can turn that “influence”. I expect I can get reimbursed for the London broil and wine? Where do I get the expense-account voucher? Robin ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/134 "2006-04-06T17:49:16Z")
> [@Happy Clam](#): > > Minister of Propaganda? _Moi?_ Oh, this is so unexpected, I don’t know who to thank! I knew we’d come to accord. See, when you get right down to it, it’s about _people_. Regarding your questions about the clown, the king, and the press, you handle that as you see fit. You’re capable, and I don’t like to get bogged down in the nuts and bolts of operations. That’s exactly why I surround myself with good people who know their business. Ah, speaking of which, if a certain _axe-weilding henchman_ shows up on your doorstep, he’s probably there to uh, collect for the uh, _football pool_. And as far as interviews are concerned, my preference is to communicate to the press by means of a Quarterly Press Release. If you have other ideas in mind, write up a summary and I’ll review it. ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/135 "2006-04-06T18:15:14Z")
> [@MsRobyn](#): > > The London broil has been purchased and all I need to do is pick up a nice bottle of good wine. I’m sure I can turn that “influence”. > > I expect I can get reimbursed for the London broil and wine? Where do I get the expense-account voucher? > > Robin Psst, don’t bother the boss with that, we’ll get an expenditure form to you as soon as we figure out who will be handling it. As we need to keep the minions happy, it will have to be someone not too evil. Hopefully the position will be filled shortly. For now we can cut a small signing bonus to you now that the funds have started flowing in. Jim {We need some more IT and accounting types, guns and torture is great but the real money in Evil Empire building these days is in Mad-Science and Computers. Of course supervising IT people or Scientist is like herding cats, won’t be an easy job} ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/136 "2006-04-06T19:25:18Z")
Mr. Smith, there’s been a misunderstanding. I don’t do accounting professionally, although I have a degree in it. Messing up the finances of other people is simply a _hobby_! I really do work as a baker, which is how I was able to spike those cookies **DocCathode** ate. And have you considered that having staff knowledgable about the chemistry of cooking could prove a useful tool when my assasin’s training is done. _Plus_, you wouldn’t have to have a caterer in for those big victory banquets. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/137 "2006-04-06T19:27:36Z")
> [@What Exit?](#): > > Jim {We need some more IT and accounting types, guns and torture is great but the real money in Evil Empire building these days is in Mad-Science and Computers. Of course supervising IT people or Scientist is like herding cats, won’t be an easy job} That’s no problem. All you do is kidnap one of their young children, to hold as a hostage . ---
**Author:** ![vibrotronica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a9a28c/32.png) [@vibrotronica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vibrotronica)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/138 "2006-04-06T20:18:06Z")
Mr. Smith, I am a villian of some experience who recently heard of the crack team you are assembling. I would be very pleased if you could find a place for me in your organization. I possess the destructive power, conferred on me via top secret technology first pioneered by Nicola Tesla, of extreme focused vibration, which can be used for anything from a light shitastu massage to the destruction of large buildings or the creation of tsunami-like waves. I am comfortable working in space and/or hard vacuum environments for extended periods of time. Plus, I’m invisible. I have, in the past, successfully menaced Space Ghost and Peter Fonda, and now I am offering my extensive experience to the service of your organization. I’m sure you will find my salary and benefit requirements very reasonable. I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience. Yours in evil, **vibrotronica** ---
**Author:** ![rayh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@rayh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rayh)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/139 "2006-04-06T21:30:17Z")
You do realise **Winston Smith** is on a recruiting drive for SDMB moderators. ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/140 "2006-04-06T21:37:06Z")
> [@rayh](#): > > You do realise **Winston Smith** is on a recruiting drive for SDMB moderators. I think we found a plant, he must work for MI-5. Where’s our enforcers? Do we a 1920’s style deathray yet? Wait I know the Sharks with Lasers should do nicely. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254.md?page=8)