# Henchpersons Wanted. Inquire Within. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 4, 2006, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254 "2006-04-04T14:38:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Happy\_Clam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3bc359/32.png) [@Happy\_Clam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Clam)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/141 "2006-04-06T23:01:38Z")
INTERNAL MEMO From: Happy Clam, Minister of Public Information To: All Henchmen, Minions, Assassins, Goons and Torturers Hello! To begin, I’d like to say that I’ve been very impressed with what I’ve seen here, even though I’ve only been in for a very short time! You’re all doing a splendid job at advancing the interests not only of **Winston Smith** enterprises, but also of the evil genius community as a whole! However, there are one or two very small problems I’d like to bring to our collective attention, so we can _co-ordinate_ and _interface_ as a team to address and remove these minor flaws in an otherwise excellent system. You see, traditionally, evil businesses of all kinds have experienced problems of branding. Sure, once you’ve taken over a region it’s easy to impose a media blackout and feed only friendly information to the docile population (and you may have noticed our new poster campaigns in Smithonia and Greater Winstonville doing exactly those things!). However, world opinion (that pesky U.N., for one) tends to be overly critical of fraud, murder, war-mongering and so-forth. Sometimes it saddens me a little how big organisations work together to stamp on business and the interests of the little man alike. But there is something that **YOU** can do to help: in all your actions, both inside and outside the syndicate, remember to promote a _positive organisational image_. So, when using the internal mail system, or anything else that might survive to be brought before a U.N. tribunal, please be aware of the following terminology adjustments (you might call them euphemisms, but I prefer family-friendly word happification!): Prisoner: Long-Term Guest Torturer: Guest Comfort Co-ordinator Dungeon: Special Comfort Guest Suite Branding Irons: Warm Temperature Massagers Manacles: Happiness Bracelets Kidnap: Pro-Active Suprise Guest Visit Murder: Pre-Scheduled Peace Gift Axe-Wielding Henchman: Interpersonnel Relationships Facilitator Next, as to the company’s mission statement and logo. What we have currently (“Fools! I’ll destroy them all!” and a severed human head) is not really doing it for our focus groups. Before I suggest any alternatives however, I’d like to see some submissions from our employees. After all, we here at **Winston Smith** enterprises like to think of ourselves as one big, happy family. After all, it’s about _caring_. Or, as our beloved CEO, founder, manager and all-round swell guy famously said: [QUOTE] It’s about _people_, really. [QUOTE] A great line, and applicable to anything from a simple beating (personal intensive bone-and-organ therapy) for non-payment of protection money (compuslory appreciation donation) to taking over entire continents (spreading the goodtime vibes- a registered trademark). Use it as often as you can- I’m sure your victims (professional experience buddies) will appreciate it. And smile, ladies and gentlemen- there’s a good chance you’re on camera (so don’t do anything that can incriminate the company). Remember people, war is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength. And have a really _nice_ day. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Clam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3bc359/32.png) [@Happy\_Clam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Clam)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/142 "2006-04-06T23:17:52Z")
> [@](#): > > That’s no problem. All you do is kidnap one of their young children, to hold as a hostage . But consider **Baker** - not all our employees will have young children (or children for that matter). Whether unmarried, of an alternative lifestyle or rendered sterile by accidental radiation exposure, some people will never have kids- and to suggest otherwise might be misconstrued as insensitive. How’s _that_ gonna help advance the interests of Winston Smith Enterprises? However, we can make a simple correction: > [@](#): > > That’s no problem. All you do is kidnap one of their **beloved friends or relatives** , to hold as a hostage . There! Much more inclusive, and therefore caring! Remember- it’s about _people_, really! Now all of our associates who read this post can be assured that they too will be part of our productivity-enhancement mission drives\*. I’m sure everyone agrees that is for the best. As for you, **What Exit?** , I am shocked and saddened by your calumnies. Obviously all my orientation sessions, brainwashing treatments and cult-like worship ceremonies have been in vain- your lack of gratitude (not to mention respect, awe and adulation) towards the All-Round Swell Guy at the head of our beloved organisation is sickening. Don’t you recall me telling you how Winston Smith invented water? How his tears are said to cure cancer, but we cannot be sure because he never cries? It’s clear that when you pledged to “love, honour, and **obey, obey, OBEY** , till my death do us part”, your heart really wasn’t in it. There’s only so far propoganda can go. **Mr. Smith** , I must apply for an execution warrant on **What Exit?** effective immediatly. To his killer goes a coveted Employee-of-the-Page certificate and a free Winston Smith plushie. \*That’s not to say that bitter misanthropic orphans don’t have a place within our organisation- of course they do- but their productivity will hopefully be enhanced by the promise of enacting vengeance against the world that cast them out. Attaboy, worker! It’s an important part of employee morale to set realistic, achiveable goals- and if those goals are also company policy, why, everybodies’ happy! ---
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2006, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/143 "2006-04-06T23:49:40Z")
Yo Mr. Smith dude, I’d like to apply to your organizationality. I can pull phat 540 Stalefishes, Indys, Indy Nosebones, Method Airs, 720 Mute Grabs, and various other assorted snowboard-related maneuvers. I have extensive half pipe and water pipe experience. I can listen to headbanging music louder and longer than anyone else on the planet. I drive a 1972 Cadillac Eldorado convertible, with 8 track tape deck playing either Barry White or Grand Funk Railroad. I have mad computer skillz. I totally pwn in MMORPGs, FPSs, and RTSGs. Plus, I’m a smooth pimp daddy who could turn a preacher’s mother out. I’d like to apply for the position of **Plucky Comic Relief** or **Amoral Thrillseeker**. Or possibly **Plucky Amoral Comic Relief Thrillseeker**. Whichever, as long as I don’t have to get up too early. For a salary, I’ll need season passes to the slopes, a new bhong, and 24 hour unlimited access to orange-colored foods. Lemme know, k? I can start right away, just as soon as I finish this level. Bo ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2006, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/144 "2006-04-07T00:00:09Z")
Hmmmmm… “Interpersonnel Relationships Facilitator”, eh? Do I still het to slay our foes in the light of their burning homes? Or do I “administer final medical care by firelight” now? ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2006, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/145 "2006-04-07T00:14:01Z")
> [@Happy Clam](#): > > …snip… > > As for you, **What Exit?** , I am shocked and saddened by your calumnies. Obviously all my orientation sessions, brainwashing treatments and cult-like worship ceremonies have been in vain- your lack of gratitude (not to mention respect, awe and adulation) towards the All-Round Swell Guy at the head of our beloved organisation is sickening. Don’t you recall me telling you how Winston Smith invented water? How his tears are said to cure cancer, but we cannot be sure because he never cries? It’s clear that when you pledged to “love, honour, and **obey, obey, OBEY** , till my death do us part”, your heart really wasn’t in it. There’s only so far propoganda can go. **Mr. Smith** , I must apply for an execution warrant on **What Exit?** effective immediatly. To his killer goes a coveted Employee-of-the-Page certificate and a free Winston Smith plushie. > …snip… But I said I respected you for your recognition of Tesla as the father of all Mad Scientist, {with Dr Frankenstein of course being the grandfather}. Why the hatred, why threats, why weren’t you prepared for the 15 Ton weight I dropped on your head while I was monologuing. \*\*Mr. Winston \*\* Boss-man, I am sorry to report that your head of Marketing met with an untimely demise today but he taste delicious on the BBQ with some butter. I am happy to report that the assets of Japan are now at your disposal and the land fill contracts are completed in NJ. Jim ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Clam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3bc359/32.png) [@Happy\_Clam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Clam)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2006, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/146 "2006-04-07T00:19:29Z")
INTERNAL MEMO From: Happy Clam, Minister for Public Information To: Anyone It’s dark and cold underneath this weight, and my left arm is missing. All I can hear is lip-smacking and the squirt of a sauce bottle. All I ask is a little resurrection and reconstructive surgery- or, failing that, simply fire up one of the clones I keep in my office for just such an occasion. Remember to keep spreading the goodtime vibes, people, and please, someone kill **What Exit?** ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2006, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/147 "2006-04-07T00:26:11Z")
> [@Happy Clam](#): > > INTERNAL MEMO > From: Happy Clam, Minister for Public Information > To: Anyone > > It’s dark and cold underneath this weight, and my left arm is missing. All I can hear is lip-smacking and the squirt of a sauce bottle. All I ask is a little resurrection and reconstructive surgery- or, failing that, simply fire up one of the clones I keep in my office for just such an occasion. Remember to keep spreading the goodtime vibes, people, and please, someone kill **What Exit?** Look call off the dogs of war and I will personnally see to your cloning. After all a truely evil Marketing genius is hard too replace. Why did you go after me, I am a most loyal employee of **Winston Smith Inc.** perhaps you confused me with someone else? Jim ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2006, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/148 "2006-04-07T00:29:54Z")
> [@Baker](#): > > **Mr. Smith**? You said you were giving me a tentative yes, but I’d have to give up accounting. I’m in the midst of screwing up the credit record of a certain televangelist, can I finish that first? > > And here’s the handset that will let you know at all times where \*\*DocCathode \*\* is. He worried so much about being poisoned, and never once thought that a nano-technology tracker might be attaching itself in his gut! I don’t worry about nanites because they are not worth worrying about. Between the various quantum etheric fields generated by my equipment, my biochemistry, my diet, and the frequency with with which I tend to to electrocute myself, I’d be stunned if those nanites lasted an hour. A few adjustments of the devices I used to scan NonCorporealConsciousness Fields, reveals that I am not emitting any additional radiation- no heat, no light, no sounds, no radiowaves, no tachyons, no gravity waves, no Metaconsciouss transmissions of any kind in any of three layers of the Quantum Etheric Foam. None of the things I usually emit have changed frequency, rate, pattern, etc. The data goes on for pages. ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2006, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/149 "2006-04-07T00:35:21Z")
Quit yer squablin’, you two, or else I’ll have to pull double duty as “Employee conflict mediator”. And you don’t want that. * * * To: Mr. Smith Subject: Deep Fried Body: I am pleased to report that the armies of General Tso and Col. Sanders will no longer stand in our way of… ugh… “spreading the goodtime vibes” any longer. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Clam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3bc359/32.png) [@Happy\_Clam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Clam)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2006, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/150 "2006-04-07T00:51:33Z")
Uh…after representations from **What Exit?** and **Regallag\_the\_Axe** , I can now announce that in my newly-cloned incarnation I am repealing the death sentence on **What Exit?** that my previous body published. I can see now that there was an unfortunate mix-up, wherein enemy propoganda was somehow confused with a deposition from **What Exit?**. This only goes to show that constant vigilance must be exercised against the many spies and saboteurs who would seek to disrupt the harmonius relationships we all enjoy under the beloved eye of **Mr. Smith**. We should, of course, watch out for Quintabulus Von Flapdoodle, head of rival company the Flapdoodle Syndicate, and whose interference and malice causes all setbacks and accidents that the company may suffer. I hope you’ll all join me next Wednesday for our Hating Coffee Morning, in which we revile the appearance, works and name (oh God, the name!) of the loathsome Quintabulus. **Regallag** , thank you for your adoption of new policy guidelines! Why, your brave actions alone (coupled with media-saturation coverage of **Winston Smith** ’s beloved face and exploits, of course) has created a 79% productivity rise in the workers of occupied Winstonia (formerly Japan)! If that level of intimidation (sorry, I meant “adrenaline-based motivational policy”) can be maintained, we’re sure to reach this year’s production targets. ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2006, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/151 "2006-04-07T01:03:51Z")
**Happy Clam** : I am happy to have the differences worked out. Jim {check your Email when you get a chance} ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2006, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/152 "2006-04-07T02:02:14Z")
:: reads **Happy Clam** ’s posts :: …and thus we see that Marketing is the evilest henchperson specialty of them all. 🙂 :: ahem :: To business. Dear Mr Smith, I would like to apply for the position of Evil Engineering Technologist, preferably as an Evil Telemtry technologist or data communications specialist. I bring to the table:[ul][_]An amoral profit-driven outlook fuelled by decades of reading IEEE Spectrum and The Economist, combined with a bitter misanthropic desire to get revenge upon the world that spurned me, especially Evelyn back in second year;[_]An interest in Mad Technology as an end in itself;[_]20 years experience as a Corporate Henchperson in various electronics-related positions, including two years tuning radios in a Faraday cage, so if anyone around here is going to acquire Mutant Superpowers as a result of too much exposure to VHF radio signals, it’ll be me;[_]Documentation skills for those all-important Evil ISO-9000 Procedural Audits, and[_]My own oscilloscope, multimeter, packet sniffer, and hand tools.[/ul]I am looking for the following remuneration and perqs:[ul][_]A base salary of 12,000 euros a month (not US dollars, because we both know that the US dollar is gloing to collapse once your Evil Plans for that nation really get moving);[_]Bonuses based on proved increases in system efficiency;[_]A company car, of a model to be specified by me;[_]Open access to executive air travel and resorts around the world;[_]Wardrobe and lodging allownaces of at least 1000 euros a month, and[\*]My own improved tropical or subtropical island, such as Fiji.[/ul]I trust we can come to a mutually-satisfactory arrangement, and the data moles I have cached on your network will not need to be activated. ---
**Author:** ![Declan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecae2f/32.png) [@Declan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Declan)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2006, 5:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/153 "2006-04-07T05:52:26Z")
You know , I am really surprised that no one in here has begun a union drive , for these evil hench persons. Declan ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2006, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/154 "2006-04-07T12:44:03Z")
_…from The Smith Organization Employee Newsletter…_ **Scumpup’s Page** As we come to the end of another evil quarter, I would like to thank all employees for the hard and ruthless work you have done to further Mr. Smith’s Master Plan. In particular, I’d like to single out **Regallag\_The\_Axe** , **Baker** , **Happy Clam** , and **What Exit?** as exemplary models of what an evil employee should be. Keep up the evil work, all. In order to foster employee morale, it is my pleasure to announce an employee contest! As all of you are well aware, **Doc Cathode** has caused us some inconsequential difficulties with minor projects in the past. Though his efforts did nothing to slow the progress of The Master Plan, it _is_ company policy that any interference with our goals must be rewarded with overwhelming retaliation. Thus, this contest: Whichever employee delivers **Doc Cathode** (alive) bound, wearing a French Maid’s outfit, ball-gag, and fishnets at the company picnic next month will win all of the following: - a cash bonus equal to 3% of gross revenues from sales of all \*\*Cathode \*\* inventions we steal - **Cathode’s** minions and sidekicks are yours to do with as you will. Remember, our Live Organ Harvesting division is always buying! \*The state of Rhode Island Mr. Smith will, of course, decide **Cathode’s** final disposition. Mr. Smith is a towering genius, as we all know, and a figure of epic evil. But he won’t be with us forever. He might…retire…without notice, or fall “victim” to an accident. So let’s give this the old evil try, folks! Let’s make Mr. Smith’s remaining days with The Organization memorable. It’s been called to my attention my certain lower management personnel that there is apparently a problem with lunches being stolen from the employee lounge refrigerators. To whomever is doing this: Keep up the evil work! This is a sign that you might be upper-level management material. **Scumpup** V.P. in charge of Enforcement and Torture ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2006, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/155 "2006-04-07T17:07:04Z")
**Scumpup** , one question. What the heck am I going to do with Rhode Island when I win the contest? ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2006, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/156 "2006-04-07T17:14:34Z")
OK, I’m back, fresh from the infirmary, and ready to be the henchiest hench that ever hinched a hunch! Ooh, these pain blockers are making me dizzy … **heads back to the infirmary** ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2006, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/157 "2006-04-07T17:20:17Z")
> [@Baker](#): > > **Scumpup** , one question. What the heck am I going to do with Rhode Island when I win the contest? It’s nice in the Summer, especially near the shore. ---
**Author:** ![butler1850](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@butler1850](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/butler1850)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2006, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/158 "2006-04-07T17:42:42Z")
> [@Declan](#): > > You know , I am really surprised that no one in here has begun a union drive , for these evil hench persons. > > Declan Now that’d be a sign of TRUE evil! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2006, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/159 "2006-04-07T18:31:12Z")
> [@butler1850](#): > > Well, someone not enjoying them would be just plain RUDE! I keep them… for archive purposes only… of course. 😃 > > I’d be more evil, but current management takes a dim view on true evil… hence the application for technical henchmanship… Indeed. It’s good to have you on board. Together, we will bring the recording industry to it’s _knees_. One MP3 at a time. BWA-HA-ha. Ahem. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2006, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254/160 "2006-04-07T19:15:20Z")
**vibrotronica** , your resume looks reat, but this _invisibility_ thing may be problematic. I mean, it’s pretty much a _given_ that I may eventually need to kill you due to an ironic plot twist, and if my other henchpeople can’t see you, why then, they can’t _kill_ you. Not that anyone _would_, you know. It’s really more of a formality than anything else. For the time being, the best I can say is _I’ll think about it_. I’m _not saying no_. Don’t get discouraged. **rayh** , you’re finally catching on, mate. I’d have Cecil himself on my payroll, if only he’d return my calls. **Bo** , dude. Pass that over here, man. Also, you’ll have to explain the following _MMORPGs, FPSs, and RTSGs_ (hey, I’m an old man. You don’t become an evil genius overnight, you know). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/henchpersons-wanted-inquire-within/351254.md?page=9)