# Here I sit all broken hearted, can't get the toilet paper started
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557
**Category:** The BBQ Pit
**Created:** [March 12, 2007, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557 "2007-03-12T03:49:49Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 2
### Author:  [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)
#### Post date: [March 12, 2007, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557/21 "2007-03-12T20:50:27Z")
[QUOTE=nashiitashii]
My mother purchases the communist grade of Scott Brand toilet paper, and I’ve never had a problem with freeing the attached sheet from the roll without toilet paper carnage. Maybe I’m just extra handy, but I don’t see what’s so difficult.
[/QUOTE]
Well bully for you.
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### Author:  [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)
#### Post date: [March 12, 2007, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557/22 "2007-03-12T21:01:39Z")
The toilet paper dispensers here at work are square “caves” set into a metal boxlike device (which also contains the hygiene trash) that is mounted on the wall of the stall. The square “caves” were designed and sized at a time before the “super gargantua” size of toilet paper rolls became commonplace. That means the janitor jams the oversized roll into the small “cave” and that it’s stuck tightly in place for the first user. There is no _possible_ way to start that roll without digging away at it and yanking off wads to downsize it a little.
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### Author:  [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)
#### Post date: [March 12, 2007, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557/23 "2007-03-12T21:21:20Z")
[QUOTE=Shoeless]
What are you supposed to do with the corn cob when you’re done with it?
[/QUOTE]
Hang it back on the hook for the next guy, of course.
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### Author:  [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)
#### Post date: [March 12, 2007, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557/24 "2007-03-12T21:29:15Z")
Dude. It’s really not that hard. Just put your finger at some point _past_ where the very end is stuck to the roll, rip it there, then unravel for 1 rotation to get the extra crap off (no pun intended). Voila. No need to fiddle with the end/starting point of the roll at all.
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### Author:  [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)
#### Post date: [March 12, 2007, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557/25 "2007-03-12T21:56:05Z")
[QUOTE=Shoeless]
What are you supposed to do with the corn cob when you’re done with it?
[/QUOTE]
Dishwasher.
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### Author:  [@Tully\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tully_Mars)
#### Post date: [March 13, 2007, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557/26 "2007-03-13T13:21:38Z")
[QUOTE=Shoeless]
What are you supposed to do with the corn cob when you’re done with it? I’m guessing you can’t flush it. And I wouldn’t want to drop a shit-covered cob in the trash can without wrapping it in something first. (Obviously toilet paper is out of the question…)
[/QUOTE]
Corncobs were in vogue in times and places where flush toilets (and running water) were still avante garde (sp?). Fortunately, the contemporary (agri)culture provided an abundent supply of corn cobs.
On re-read, I realize you’re talking present tense. Sorry. Maybe I should get to work on genetically engineering a strain of corn with a cob that is septic system compatible. If I can get the kernals to naturally contain Olestra, then I can use it to make low-fat corn chips. Then I’m creating a greater demand for the cobs. What synchronicity!
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### Author:  [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)
#### Post date: [March 13, 2007, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557/27 "2007-03-13T15:15:45Z")
This thread calls for a song – a duet even.
Call: _Oh were is the Happy Lendervedder?_
Reply: _He’s gone to the poophouse, m’lord._
Call: \* And has he any paper?\*
_Reply: Oh yes, forescore or more of Scott’s finest manila._
Call: _Ah, t’is well,
for had he used a corncob,
he would have rasped
the fairest ass
to ever grace a poophouse._
Reply: _Sir!_
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### Author:  [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)
#### Post date: [March 13, 2007, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557/28 "2007-03-13T15:21:59Z")
Does the fucking TP get penetrated by the fucking Swiss Army knife? Is it a 69? Does the TP need to masturbate due to the lack of that SAk?
Inquiring minds which wouldn’t have minded getting the description re. corncobs spoilered want to know.
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### Author:  [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)
#### Post date: [March 13, 2007, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557/29 "2007-03-13T15:31:36Z")
A-fucking-men. Preach it, brother!
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### Author:  [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)
#### Post date: [March 13, 2007, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557/30 "2007-03-13T16:32:22Z")
[QUOTE=Happy Lendervedder]
I’d propose a fucking boycott, but the only alternative I’ve ever heard of is a corncob.
[/QUOTE]
Why not just jump in the [jacuzzi](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=356483&)? 😃
The OP was hilarious but some of the subsequent comments are even better.
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### Author:  [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)
#### Post date: [March 13, 2007, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557/31 "2007-03-13T18:45:40Z")
[QUOTE=Cervaise]
Dishwasher.
[/QUOTE]
Now I’m having visions of running a load of cobs through the washing machine and hanging them up to dry on the line in the back yard.
My addition to these TP rants would be the TP dispensers in public washrooms that have the rolls on so tight that every time you pull it you get two squares, max. Fortunately, I’m working on my patience, so I can use these opportunities to calmly remove two squares at a time until I build up an acceptable wad.
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### Author:  [@UncleRojelio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleRojelio)
#### Post date: [March 13, 2007, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557/32 "2007-03-13T20:06:11Z")
I thought the line was, “Here I sit broken-hearted, paid my dime and only farted”.
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### Author:  [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)
#### Post date: [March 13, 2007, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557/33 "2007-03-13T20:34:06Z")
[QUOTE=UncleRojelio]
I thought the line was, “Here I sit broken-hearted, paid my dime and only farted”.
[/QUOTE]
How dare someone try to be clever around here!
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### Author:  [@Potato\_Pancakes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Potato_Pancakes)
#### Post date: [March 13, 2007, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557/34 "2007-03-13T20:43:29Z")
[QUOTE=bigbabysweets2000]
The three shells
[/QUOTE]
Ha, I figured this would get brought up in here. Just wondering, from that scene in the movie, were we to believe that John Spartan went unwiped? (You know, with dingleberries?)
And yes, Scott TP is much too thin and uncomfortable. It’s all about Charmin or the generic equivalent.
“Charmin: For the discerning browneye.”
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### Author:  [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)
#### Post date: [March 13, 2007, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557/35 "2007-03-13T21:05:35Z")
> [@Cervaise](#):
>
> Dishwasher.
[QUOTE=featherlou]
Now I’m having visions of running a load of cobs through the washing machine and hanging them up to dry on the line in the back yard.
[/QUOTE]
Oven.
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### Author:  [@DMC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMC)
#### Post date: [March 13, 2007, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557/36 "2007-03-13T22:10:56Z")
Charmin Ultra. A big soft roll of salad-tossing goodness.
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### Author:  [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)
#### Post date: [March 14, 2007, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557/37 "2007-03-14T00:16:15Z")
And no matter how you open the roll, it ALWAYS goes over the top when you hang it on the dispenser.
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### Author:  [@Chanteuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chanteuse)
#### Post date: [March 14, 2007, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557/38 "2007-03-14T00:35:00Z")
[QUOTE=Potato Pancakes]
Ha, I figured this would get brought up in here. Just wondering, from that scene in the movie, were we to believe that John Spartan went unwiped? (You know, with dingleberries?)
[/QUOTE]
Nah. He just didn’t “go” when he saw there was no paper. After the dialogue about the seashells, he went to the little wall monitors and cussed up a storm, collecting the fine-sheets as they were dispensed with each obscenity. Then he took the handful of paper and returned to the bathroom.
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### Author:  [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)
#### Post date: [March 14, 2007, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557/39 "2007-03-14T03:09:46Z")
Be glad for what you have, be it paper or cob.
I know a guy who runs wilderness canoe trips where everyone uses only sticks. No joke.
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### Author:  [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)
#### Post date: [March 14, 2007, 5:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/here-i-sit-all-broken-hearted-cant-get-the-toilet-paper-started/395557/40 "2007-03-14T05:14:32Z")
[QUOTE=Dead Cat]
Why not just jump in the [jacuzzi](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=356483&)? 😃
The OP was hilarious but some of the subsequent comments are even better.
[/QUOTE]
Aww, somebody remembered!
:pride:
:shame:
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