# Here's your company of mercs. There's the time-travel portal. Now GET WARLORDING. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 21, 2009, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869 "2009-04-21T17:57:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869/21 "2009-04-22T16:26:11Z")
> [@Ranchoth](#): > > If I can make the transportation/trans temporal-universal teleportation angle worked out… > > I send half the battalion to arrive suddenly and storm the Kremlin…at the height of some certain political problems in October, 1962. (Maybe if I’m feeling daring, I’ll send some to attack the White House as well) > > I’ll take the remaining rough half of the battalion (minus a few for technical experts, if needed) to seize McMurdo Station (which even has it’s own easy bake reactor for power, at this point. I always wanted one of those), and sit things out for a year while the rest of the world dances itself to atomic hell. > > At the end of the year, with any luck, I’m now, technically, the dominant military and political power on Earth. (Not counting my nearest competitors, a number of which are likely armed with spears made out of broken femurs) > > Pillaging the world for prize shares should be easy at this point, opposition wise, though the pickings may be a little slim, depending on your tastes in loot. > > Fort Knox might be worth a try, especially if you like novelty gold/rebar alloys. You’re going to do allthat with ONE BATTALION? Fifteen hundred guys with rifles and RPGS and such, but no air support or tanks, much less any super-weapons? You’ll never even make it INTO the time-portal. Whatever merc you’ve appointed to be your number two is going to shoot you in the back of the head, then turn around and submit his own warlording business plan. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869/22 "2009-04-22T16:40:41Z")
> [@RandMcnally](#): > > I’d probably go back just enough to allow me to consolidate my hold over the Aztecs before Cortes arrives. The Aztecs were large enough so I have plenty of resources All you’d need for that is a stop around here circa 1763. Maybe Jeffrey Amherst would let you borrow some of those blankets. You should have even better luck than Cortes, if you get your people immunized against smallpox first. Offering smallpox immunizations might be an interesting way to recruit allies, as well… That might even work on the Romans. [It’s possible that smallpox didn’t get to Europe until the sixth century AD.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_smallpox#Eurasian_epidemics) ---
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869/23 "2009-04-22T16:41:59Z")
I Think maybe California around 500AD or so. The land was so plentiful there wasn’t much of a need for war, and I figure I could pretty well conquer it peacefully with a show of force, then infrstructure building. So I would need to trade a whole bunch of Riflemen in on an Engineering corp. My plan would be pretty long term, so I would need a frequent flyer pass on the time machine. Check in every twenty years or so, and build a nice little empire that includes the resources of Alaska to Alberta, and down the Rocky mountains through Mexico all the way to Columbia.(I have built this empire in many Computer games at it is always sucessful). ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869/24 "2009-04-22T16:46:35Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > All you’d need for that is a stop around here circa 1763. Maybe Jeffrey Amherst would let you borrow some of those blankets. You should have even better luck than Cortes, if you get your people immunized against smallpox first. Offering smallpox immunizations might be an interesting way to recruit allies, as well… > > That might even work on the Romans. [It’s possible that smallpox didn’t get to Europe until the sixth century AD.](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_smallpox#Eurasian_epidemics) I don’t think you need to bother with the 1763 stopover. Weaponized smallpox is not a super-weapon, so Evil Enterprises Enc should be willing to supply it, and placing it on your materiels requisition is a sign of quality evil thinking that will do you good come review time. (Which is a year away only from YOUR point of view; after you lead your mercs through the portal, I’ll just go to lunch, take a pee, and then reset the time portal for a year after whatever date you chose.) And I was working on the assumption that whatever mercs you hired were going to have to be immunized against smallpox & such anyway. ---
**Author:** ![thirdname](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d07c76/32.png) [@thirdname](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thirdname)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869/25 "2009-04-22T16:55:39Z")
One important thing to bring would be a steam-powered generator to recharge night-vision goggle batteries, power radios etc. ---
**Author:** ![appleciders](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85f322/32.png) [@appleciders](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/appleciders)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869/26 "2009-04-22T18:30:45Z")
Please, people- cowpox, not smallpox. We want to immunize these Aztecs so that we can rule them, not kill them off so we can rule over nothing. Right? Or is this a one-year pillage fest, with no long-term empire afterwards? ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869/27 "2009-04-22T18:58:13Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > You’re going to do allthat with ONE BATTALION? Fifteen hundred guys with rifles and RPGS and such, but no air support or tanks, much less any super-weapons? > > You’ll never even make it INTO the time-portal. Whatever merc you’ve appointed to be your number two is going to shoot you in the back of the head, then turn around and submit his own warlording business plan. I don’t _need_ more than one battalion. All I need to do is set a spark to an already volitile situation—and a good portion of the troops would still be used just to seize and garrison a remote scientific outpost (the default _Caput Mundi_). The only challanges are, as I see it, 1) Timing, 2) Transportation logistics (perhaps solvable with the time portal itself), and 3) Morale and discipline, which depends mostly on how well my praetorians like the guys I’m sending to their inevitable doom. This might be solved simply by comprising the battalion from a couple of unaffiliated companies. And, by the by, you mentioned that Smallpox itself would be available from Evil Enterprises as a materiel requisition, as it’s not a “superweapon”? If I may inquire, what else would be available along those lines? VX? A Scud and TEL? A [Davy Crockett](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Davy_Crockett_(nuclear_device)) or two, even? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869/28 "2009-04-22T19:08:12Z")
> [@Ranchoth](#): > > I don’t _need_ more than one battalion. All I need to do is set a spark to an already volitile situation—and a good portion of the troops would still be used just to seize and garrison a remote scientific outpost (the default _Caput Mundi_). > > The only challanges are, as I see it, 1) Timing, 2) Transportation logistics (perhaps solvable with the time portal itself), and 3) Morale and discipline, which depends mostly on how well my praetorians like the guys I’m sending to their inevitable doom. This might be solved simply by comprising the battalion from a couple of unaffiliated companies. > > And, by the by, you mentioned that Smallpox itself would be available from Evil Enterprises as a materiel requisition, as it’s not a “superweapon”? If I may inquire, what else would be available along those lines? VX? A Scud and TEL? A [Davy Crockett](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Davy_Crockett_(nuclear_device)) or two, even? Anything EEE could have obtained only by using a Burroughs-libby continua device to travel to and raid “fictional” universes is going to be classified as a super-weapon. That’s everything from hand-phasers to light-sabers to wave motion guns. Things we obtained by embezzling billions of dollars meant to be used for the reconstruction of Iraq and buying on the black market, or by stealing from legitimate organiziations by means of ninja skills, and so forth, are available for this op. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869/29 "2009-04-22T19:09:42Z")
> [@appleciders](#): > > Please, people- cowpox, not smallpox. We want to immunize these Aztecs so that we can rule them, not kill them off so we can rule over nothing. Right? Or is this a one-year pillage fest, with no long-term empire afterwards? I’m planning to immunize the ones who agree to join my side. It should be an effective tactic for recruiting native allies. It might even convince them that the gods don’t like people who don’t join my side. ---
**Author:** ![Quercus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/7ab992/32.png) [@Quercus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quercus)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869/30 "2009-04-22T19:58:30Z")
Final research isn’t complete, but I’m thinking of landing somewhere well-off near the expanding edge of the Roman or British Empires. Take over a small city-state, then arrange a dramatic show of force with the Romans/British, followed by immediate diplomatic overtures and trade proposals. Ideally I’m coming across as a leader of the whole area, who can stand up to the Empire, while privately making deals with the Empire on how to divvy up the loot from my sphere of influence. India in the 17th - 18th century seems like a good bet, with lots of potential loot, plus the beginnings of modern conveniences will be available. Or somewhere in the eastern Mediterranean about 50 BC. I’m especially looking forward to the larks-tongues feasts. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869/31 "2009-04-22T20:00:08Z")
I’ll go back to 1750 or so, and head for the interior of North America to beef up the native nations. When the King proclaims the Line setting the western boundary of the Atlantic colonies, there will be more than scattered tribes to enforce it. [Sequoyah](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sequoyah) will be born into one of a number of rising nation-states. ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869/32 "2009-04-22T20:41:07Z")
You people are thinking small. No empire building. Instead, twelve one-month smash-and-grabs using the battalion. This allows for a monthly schedule of: Week one: Recon Week two: Assault, pillage, atrocities Week three: Team Specialists brought in for ‘acquisition duties’ Week four: Back through the portal for a week of R&R Then repeat. Targets are… 1. Alexandria, circa 100 BC. Smash in, seize the library, ship contents to the present. Seize precious metals and gemstones as opportunity presents. 2. Tenochtitlan, circa 1400AD. Same deal, aimed at preciosu metals and lost knowledge. 3. Jerusalam, circa 30AD. Infiltration with video and audio recorders. Attempt to record Sermon on Mount and other such events. Plunder temple and other such places (gotta keep mercs happy) 4. Jericho, circa I’d have to look it up. Seize the Ark of the Covenant. Pillage later. 5. Others to be filled in later as I’m out of time. Egypt, Mali, etc. Other high profile treasures and missing data of import. The goal here isn’t to set up an empire back in the year of the damn dinosaurs but to command such value and respect in the present that buying Apple AND Microsoft would be pocket change. After all, which would you rather have? An empire of ignorant savages without running water or an empire with iPods? Choose carefully. 33% to EEE, of course. And a directorship for Skald. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869/33 "2009-04-22T20:58:15Z")
I’m also going to tell my native allies that the gods told me that you should always boil water before drinking it, especially on campaign. Even if I don’t get 100% compliance with that, it should give me an advantage over other armies. Up until the US Civil War, armies tended to lose more soldiers to disease, especially things like dysentery, than they did to the enemy. ---
**Author:** ![Mtgman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@Mtgman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mtgman)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869/34 "2009-04-22T21:52:33Z")
I taught my battalion advanced finance, including the creation of documents called Credit-Default Swaps. We went back about fifteen years, sold our weapons to “homeland militias” to finance our investments in Google and property in California. We joined Goldman-Sachs, AIG, and Merril Lynch. Just before the crash of 2008 we all took golden parachutes and bought islands. Enjoyed, Steven ---
**Author:** ![tr0psn4j](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@tr0psn4j](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tr0psn4j)\ **Post date:** [April 22, 2009, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869/35 "2009-04-22T22:13:29Z")
I don’t think I’d take any country over. Rather, I’d get my guys, send them to various countries in need of mercenaries and hire them out in exchange for diamonds, gold etc. Bring the money back and have some fun with it in the present. I could go to some other time and place but they most likely won’t have high speed internet there. ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869/36 "2009-04-23T00:03:22Z")
I’ll take those Vatican Swiss Guards. They’re highly trained in close range combat, have an esprit de corps you couldn’t crack with a nuclear warhead, will be utterly devoted to my protection as long as they believe I’m the Pope which only requires elaborate headwear, and (and this is possibly the most important part) they have absolutely ridiculous uniforms. The enemy, underestimating us, is decimated when we drop the stupid halberds and pull out Glocks from our frilly pants. As for the country, it doesn’t really matter as long as we follow the _Man Who Would Be King_ strategy : find a tribe, kill half, train & equip the rest (you wouldn’t be so cheap as to not send us additional weapons and ammo, would you boss ?), help them kill half of their most hated neighbour, train the survivors, then use our combined forces to enslave the enemy of the second tribe and so on. But I’m thinking feudal Japan : the “stupid inferior gaijin” thinking will synergize very well with the uniform thing. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869/37 "2009-04-23T00:13:50Z")
> [@Kobal2](#): > > As for the country, it doesn’t really matter as long as we follow the _Man Who Would Be King_ strategy : find a tribe, kill half, train & equip the rest (you wouldn’t be so cheap as to not send us additional weapons and ammo, would you boss ? Since you are, of course, auditioning for a permanent position with EEE, let’s say that, in your initial business plan/material requisition, you’re allowed–nay, required–to estimate how much ammo, provender, and such you’ll need for that first year. Best guess wisely, though, as you won’t be getting resupplied during the year, and if I decide you’re being inefficient (i.e., using a tactical nuke to take out a Mayan village), I may, during the one-year-review, fire your ass and leave you back in the past **without** any gear. Or, for that matter, shoes. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869/38 "2009-04-23T00:14:50Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > I’m also going to tell my native allies that the gods told me that you should always boil water before drinking it, especially on campaign. Even if I don’t get 100% compliance with that, it should give me an advantage over other armies. Up until the US Civil War, armies tended to lose more soldiers to disease, especially things like dysentery, than they did to the enemy. Wouldn’t it be better to make that part of a new religious ritual? I mean, if you pick your time, place,and supplies well, it should be easy to convince them that you’re the Goddess Anne. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869/39 "2009-04-23T01:40:15Z")
> [@Jonathan\_Chance](#): > > The goal here isn’t to set up an empire back in the year of the damn dinosaurs but to command such value and respect in the present that buying Apple AND Microsoft would be pocket change. I think you’re overlooking how awesome a dinosaur empire would be. ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2009, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869/40 "2009-04-23T02:47:24Z")
> [@Jophiel](#): > > I think you’re overlooking how awesome a dinosaur empire would be. You bring up a good point. Master the Rhymer, would you mind if I stopped off in the Triassic to pick up some, ah, war mounts? Dinosaur riding Rifle Viking Legions… oh, the possibilities… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/heres-your-company-of-mercs-theres-the-time-travel-portal-now-get-warlording/493869.md?page=3)